Poetry Blogs (Saturday Rhymers Club)
I'm having a fling with a fantastic forty-year-old fat female from Farnborough. She's friendly, fun-loving and feisty. I'm fascinated by her full figure and the way she fills out her frock. We indulge in frenzied foreplay, we fornicate frantically and play find the fingammibob.
Unfortunately I am forced to finish the affair as it's costing me a flipping fortune. She's frequently ...
Saturday 5th January 2019 8:17 am
Over-Eating. Brian Wins the Challenge
This weeks theme 'over-eating' was set by Brian. What chance did I have?
I'm afraid I've a confession to make
I've done no preparation for this theme
I should have been gorging myself all the week
I've gone let down my Rhymers Team
It's OK for Brian to set theme
He had plenty of left-over pud
And there's phea...
Saturday 5th January 2019 5:37 am
Sisters are a Funny Mix
This week's theme is sisters. Here is my contribution.
I'm struggling hard with this one
Whatever I write down
Seems so bland, so lifeless
Hardly a poet's crown
So thought at least I'd go put
Some sparkle to my pome
And add a little youtube clip
'Siblings while at home'
Don Matthews December 2018
Saturday 15th December 2018 5:20 am
Remember Emergency Ward 10 from the early 60s? Nurse Young, Dr Dawson, Sister Doughty. They never used the definite article did they? (Still don't.) They would say 'nurse will give you a bedbath' or 'doctor will be doing his rounds shortly'.
Sister Doughty was my favourite, immaculately turned out in a dark blue uniform with white trimmings. And she was very slim...not like today's lot who wadd...
Saturday 15th December 2018 12:01 am
Preamble: for this week's Saturday Rhymers theme of "moving", just for FUN repeat FUN, here is my first attempt at a... well, you'll see.
Gotta keep on moving ‘cos it hurts to stand still.
Gotta weep in proving that my work’s not landfill,
Gotta seek to be outrageous ‘cos this weakness is contagious,
Gotta be a freak to speak out and break out of all these cages.
Saturday 8th December 2018 10:31 am
We're Clever Down Here In Australia
This weeks Rhymers Club theme is moving. Here is my contribution. Pic shows current work in progress on Great Australian Chairlift Project
Down here in Australia we're clever
We've thought of a good way to beat
A problem which gets most people fuming
The unavoidable peak traffic heat
It's simple when you go think ab...
Saturday 8th December 2018 6:47 am
My wife doesn't move very much
when she's watching the TV at night
I supply the occasional coffee
to provide much needed respite
Set in a self-induced coma
she's not really lazy as such,
just fixated on life in The Jungle
where they also don't move very much
I can't extricate the remote
held tight in her vice-like clutch
so I'm forced to watch what she ...
Saturday 8th December 2018 12:26 am
Preamble: for this week's Rhymers theme "first", here is my first attempt at a villanelle.
My son, it fell to you to be born first
You turned a couple into Mum and Dad
You sometimes had the best, sometimes the worst
You changed our lives when into them you burst,
And for that day I ever shall be glad,
My son, it fell to you to be born first.
Our parenting was w...
Saturday 1st December 2018 9:14 am
12.01 All Done, All Said
This weeks Rhymer's Club theme is 'first'. Here is my contribution inspired by my intrepid fellow rhymer.
Brian's first to post on Sat
Poor wifeys left in bed
At 12.01am on dot
(I gotta go, 'nuf said)
I could be done for something though
Accusing Brian leave wifey
While he sits up till Big Ben strikes
I could get in big str...
Saturday 1st December 2018 6:06 am
We were up on the hills
She had gone very quiet
I instinctively knew that the time was right
I kissed her with passion as a lover might
I took off my shirt
Her nostrils flared
I ran my fingers through her golden hair
We gently made love in the open air
The encounter was brief
with minimal foreplay
I spoke to her softly; she had little to say
Saturday 1st December 2018 12:10 am
Preamble: my contribution to this week's Rhymers' theme "fire".
Wouldn’t it be easier to recognise a liar
If caught telling porkies, their pants really caught fire?
As a warped form of justice, it would be rather fun
To see a guilty con man get singed around the bum.
The value of honesty would rapidly be learned
If every untruth told led to buttocks getting burned.
Saturday 24th November 2018 9:42 am
This week's Rhymer Club theme is fire. Here is my contribution.
I'm losing my spark and my fire
Cos comments are few and quite far
Do you think I am coming 'cross serious ?
Or coming 'cross with some hoo-ha ?
Don Matthews November 2018
Saturday 24th November 2018 7:46 am
I hope you are very well.
What a spiffing time we had last evening, myself and the other fellows. After prep we lit a roaring fire on which we toasted muffins and marshmallows.
Chadders said that Parkinson minor hadn't put a decent enough shine on his boots so he gave him a damn good thrashing, which was an absolute hoot.
Then we roasted him in front of the fire till he squ...
Saturday 24th November 2018 12:15 am
Preamble: my contribution to this week's Saturday Rhymers theme - with apologies to anyone called Jack.
Men called Jack must always complain
About their name being taken in vain.
In language, literature, songs and nursery rhymes
The name “Jack” crops up time after time.
Whenever a male figure is expected
Chances are a character called “Jack” will be selected.
What have th...
Saturday 17th November 2018 8:31 am
Mary and Jack
This is a little-known story about Little Jack Horner and Contrary Mary. It has not been published in any kiddies book as far as I'm aware. I was fortunate in already having written about Little Jack when this was assigned as our Rhymer Club theme for this week. It was written last year when I was still learning the art of rhyme and only felt comfortable with t...
Saturday 17th November 2018 5:00 am
Jack, being a responsible lad, before going up the hill
took Jill to the clinic and put her on the pill.
But Jill, being a devious girl with her body clock ticking
didn't take the pill before she let him put his dick in.
Four months down the line she felt the baby kicking.
Jack went mad and said you've ruined my bloody life.
Jill said you can fuck right off I'm not your...
Saturday 17th November 2018 12:04 am
For this week's Saturday Rhymers theme: Leaving Home.
When I go back and stay at my Dad’s place,
It’s great, but it’s no longer home.
I struggle to get my own kids off to sleep
In the room that I once called my own.
They watch cartoons, just as I did
Two sofas, three tellys ago.
So much is the same, yet so much has changed,
Though I try hard to not let i...
Saturday 10th November 2018 7:51 am
As they waited
his eyes surveyed the room
at all the things she'd amassed,
so recently risk assessed.
She'd become a virtual prisoner
in the house she'd strived to own.
The house she'd made a home
was now a source of danger for her.
As he wheeled her out the door
she asked how soon she'd be back.
Couple of weeks he lied.
He felt his stomach churn.
Saturday 10th November 2018 7:47 am
This weeks Saturday Rymers Club theme is leaving home. Here is my contribution
The giant oak grew alongside us
A green majestic dome
When autumn came it did it's thing
And went and leaved our home
Don Matthews November 2018
Saturday 10th November 2018 5:44 am
For a poem about motivation
I find myself lacking real inspiration.
After a period of procrastination
It’s become a source of great frustration.
Is this real artistic creation
Or just intellectual masturbation?
But following quiet contemplation
I had a sudden revelation:
What I am lacking is
Saturday 3rd November 2018 8:15 am
As always he was relaxed and confident,
smiling, and with good reason - he always beats me
My normal strategy is damage limitation
Today was different, I had motivation
I hadn't played for a month
I was feeling good, no aches and pains
I had a new racquet with tight strings
I had new tennis shoes
I had nothing to lose
It started well - I took the first game to love...
Saturday 3rd November 2018 8:12 am
The Trouble Is the Clubbers
Our Clubber's theme for this week is
I'm having lots of trouble here
I'm getting so frustrated
You see my problem's different
From what you might expect
I want to motivate myself
To lazy and neglect
The trouble is the Clubbers
Won't let me motivate
Myself to where I want to be
Lazy and prostrate
Saturday 3rd November 2018 8:08 am
I like my music ANGRY. My favourite types of song
Are those that call for change, to try to right some wrongs.
I’ll take lyrics about war or peace or duty socially bound,
Over any heartfelt soulful dirge about love lost or found.
But it seems my favourite protest songs have limited success,
Judging by the fact the world is still in such a mess.
The answers blowing in the win...
Saturday 27th October 2018 8:14 am
We Hear Your Protest Poet
What's the use of protest
In my poetry
It won't make any difference
I'm not naïve, you see
People have their minds set
On what they want to do
My verse it will not change them
Neither will yours too
They might consider what we
Think before they act
But change their minds we hope to?
We're wasting time. A fact.
Saturday 27th October 2018 5:39 am
I'd love to go on a demo, a mass protest or political rally
Perhaps a sit-in...anything where one can oppose
But my hair's too neat, I don't have a beard
and I don't wear sandals or hippy clothes
I don't know the words to 'Ooo Jeremy Corbyn'
I can't relate activist stories
and I know I wouldn't feel comfortable
saying fuck Trump and fuck the Tories
So I don't thin...
Saturday 27th October 2018 12:10 am
The Angel of Death was dancing
in a veil of gossamer grey,
close by her side the Grim Reaper pressed
as night faded into day.
He grinned through his hood like a gentleman should
while her wings caught the light of the moon;
like shattered glass in a ravaged dawn
they sparkled then faded away.
Saturday 20th October 2018 10:03 pm
Preamble: for this Saturday's theme of DANCE.
I hear music. The beat begins.
It taps gently at my consciousness and slowly enters in.
It slides through my skull like the lift of warm caffeine
Raising pulse, slowing thoughts, it’s as if I’m in a dream…
Step by step I’m vanquished, it takes over my brain
It numbs my higher functions, until nothing remains
But the essence of...
Saturday 20th October 2018 7:56 am
Learning to Jive with Gina
This week's theme is dancing so thought I'd take some lessons from Gina, my cloned sis for Tina, whom Brian created. He started this whole thing off. There is no excuse. I lay all the blame fully at his feet.
I wanna get up on the dance floor
I wanna get up, groove and jive
So thought I'd go take me some lessons
In order me not to d...
Saturday 20th October 2018 7:45 am
We did the same more or less
as we did every Saturday night
We went to a few pubs,
we had a few pints, had a fight,
(well nearly...more of a scuffle really)
met up with a few mates,
played pool, told a few gags
looked at dirty mags
Meanwhile, upstairs in Burtons,
our girlfriends continued to dance
around their handbags
Saturday 20th October 2018 12:13 am
Preamble: I wrote this shortly after my wedding 2 years ago, but never found the chance to perform it. I've revived it for today's Rhymers' theme of "weddings". It is a slam so it looks strange on paper, so I also made this video.
I have so many thanks to give for this special day!
First, the weather: my eternal gratitude to whichever Supreme Being or natural...
Saturday 13th October 2018 7:00 am
This Saturday's Rhymers Club theme is about weddings. Brian is otherwise engaged so I have agreed to rent him some space.
My Very Disjointed Theme Contribution (by Don Matthews)
This week's theme is weddings
Cos weddings in the air
Which sorta gives me problems
Forgotten I was there
Now do not get me wrong
I'm married, still attached
It's just ...
Saturday 13th October 2018 6:28 am
They say it’s class warfare, they say the rich have won
They don’t understand the hurly burly’s not done
Their smug sense of victory will be somewhat misplaced
It’s hard to be elite when the planet’s laid to waste
They plunder and they pillage and they take more than they need
They’re selling all our futures just to feed their selfish greed
They think they’re sitting pretty,...
Saturday 6th October 2018 12:18 pm
Lower the Pass Mark - Sorted
Rhymers Club theme this week is on winning and losing. Here is my attempt
Education standards are falling, due I feel, to a gradual lowering of pass marks. Correct me if I'm wrong but school funding depends on the number of successful students passing through. No students, no funding. Lowering pass marks ensures successful student flow retained h...
Saturday 6th October 2018 6:33 am
What does success look like?
It's clear cut isn't it...
there's a winner and there are losers
What's not to understand?
Well, it's not quite as simple as that
so let's break it down using a practical example
Take the marathon - twenty six miles
and more runners than you can shake a stick at
Only one person can win surely?
Yes, but what about all those
Saturday 6th October 2018 12:03 am
I have been asked to write a poem on children. Here is my contribution.
How can I write a poem
About a naughty boy ?
When I was good, so helpful
My mother's pride and joy
It seems I have inherited
My mother's be-nice genes
Transferred them to my daughters
No naughtiness have I seen
I coasted along quite nonchalantly
Saturday 29th September 2018 6:39 am
Preamble: In honour of this week's Rhymers' theme "children", here is a poem written in collaboration with my 7-year-old son.
Some people say they don’t like children
But they are wrong.
We aren’t the ones dropping the bombs.
We aren’t the ones firing the guns.
Children don’t kill other children.
The guy on the ground, he’s just doing as he’s told
The job that he’s paid f...
Saturday 29th September 2018 6:23 am
A mix-up at Redditch Hospital
by a Maternity Unit flunkey
led to her taking home
a bouncing spider monkey
She was pleased with her offspring
though she thought that just maybe
it could be a bit better looking
but at least she had her own baby
She loved it as any mother would
this life that had grown inside her
She named him Jack, but ironically
Saturday 29th September 2018 1:28 am
I walk up from the bus stop at the end of each weekday,
I know I’ll cause a ruckus, every step along the way.
One hundred yards, four houses, four front gardens, four closed gates,
Behind each one a canine sentinel does lie in wait.
To take this path I have to steel my nerves, or ears at least,
And take care not to get a scare from these four furry beasts.
Am I always to be hound...
Saturday 22nd September 2018 7:44 am
We lost our dog the other day
I don't mean it passed away
We just couldn't find it
Notices were posted on lamposts
A reward was offered
No dog was proffered
But at home he's still around
His bed and bowls are still down
We can smell him in the air
It's just that he's not there
We felt miserable
so to cheer ourselves up
we went out for a meal
at a ne...
Saturday 22nd September 2018 7:27 am
Is That The Problem ?
I have been asked to write a canine piece. Here is my contribution
Are you not happy with my dog?
Is that the problem, is it?
I'm happy to lock you in another room
When you come round and visit
Don Matthews September 2018
Saturday 22nd September 2018 6:52 am
Where's the most dangerous place in the UK to live?
Is it an inner city ghetto
such as Mosside, Handsworth or Camberwell
where gun and knife crimes are rife
and violence is part of everyday life?
No, it's Coronation Street with an unbelievable level
of accidents, incidents and murders
all within spitting distance of the Rovers
The residents should be living in fea...
Saturday 15th September 2018 8:41 am
Just for fun...
From the moment they first met, they got on rather well,
They soon became an item, and deep in love they fell,
Were made for each other, as far as they could tell,
Pretty soon they were hearing the sound of wedding bells.
They set up home together, and things were going well
Until they took a shower, then broken was the spell
As it turned out he used soap,...
Saturday 15th September 2018 7:16 am
I have been asked to write a piece relating to soap. Here is my contribution:
Consider if you will
Times spent in your life
Ones which you regret
Ones which brought you strife
Now consider times
Ones you may yet get
Ones spent blowing bubbles
You never will regret
Don Matthews September 2018
Saturday 15th September 2018 6:22 am
She puts on clean combats and pulls on her boots
from which she'd cleaned off yesterday's dirt
She didn't find anyone yesterday
She's never found anyone, not alive anyway
It used to upset her, now it no longer hurts
She won't find anyone today
She doesn't wear a mask anymore
The stench of death no longer fills the air
As she leaves the shelter she looks in the mirror...
Friday 7th September 2018 11:25 pm
Let's assume for the sake of argument
that there was no big bang
and that God created man.
And using invisible thread
he sensibly attached the eyes and ears
to the outside of the head
so that when wading across a river
nothing could sneak up on him.
There was a lot of sneaking up back then. Still is.
The top of the head itself was actually empty.
God had to ...
Saturday 1st September 2018 9:38 am
She said she'd like me to cook her a chicken bhuna
but I thought I'd much sooner
do something else instead of spending half the day in the kitchen
making the whole house smelly
and whilst doing so missing the footie on the telly.
Anyway, it never tastes quite as good as you thought it would
so I had a lazy day and in the evening we had a takeaway.
I stuffed myself a...
Saturday 25th August 2018 7:46 am
She needs to lose a few pounds
my wife, mother of the bride
Pounds that clothes won't hide
So it's Slimming World
and counting points
and not eating what you please
such as crisps and chocolate
and full-fat cheese
To help her I've devised a solution...
she can have cheese but only emmental
which I'll cut thinly with my Swiss Army Knife
I'll eat the cheese, she can ...
Saturday 18th August 2018 12:03 am
When wearing his built up shoes
he's barely five feet tall
His hairstyle adds another inch
It's not much fun being small
Bullies call him tosser and fucker
and the word that rhymes with hunt
Who cares, as long as they don't put
shortarse on the front
Competitive at sc...
Saturday 11th August 2018 8:08 am
I was safe, boxed in against the world
with no wish to change the status quo
but you did something that hit me hard
and then the cracks began to show
You turned up the heat on me
and I'm really in trouble
I'm going crinkly around the edges
and now my yolk is starting to bubble
Saturday 4th August 2018 6:29 am