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This Fling I'm Having

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I'm having a fling with a fantastic forty-year-old fat female from Farnborough. She's friendly, fun-loving and feisty. I'm fascinated by her full figure and the way she fills out her frock. We indulge in frenzied foreplay, we fornicate frantically and play find the fingammibob.

Unfortunately I am forced to finish the affair as it's costing me a flipping fortune. She's frequently ...

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OvereatingSaturday Rhymers Club

Over-Eating. Brian Wins the Challenge

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Over-Eating. Brian Wins the Challenge

 

Preamble

This weeks theme 'over-eating' was set by Brian.  What chance did I have?

 

I'm afraid I've a confession to make

I've done no preparation for this theme

I should have been gorging myself all the week

I've gone let down my Rhymers Team

 

It's OK for Brian to set theme

He had plenty of left-over pud

And there's phea...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Sisters are a Funny Mix

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Sisters are a Funny Mix

 

Preamble

This week's theme is sisters.  Here is my contribution.

 

I'm struggling hard with this one

Whatever I write down

Seems so bland, so lifeless

Hardly a poet's crown

 

So thought at least I'd go put

Some sparkle to my pome

And add a little youtube clip

'Siblings while at home'

 

Don Matthews December 2018

 

https:/...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Sister Doughty

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Remember Emergency Ward 10 from the early 60s? Nurse Young, Dr Dawson, Sister Doughty. They never used the definite article did they? (Still don't.) They would say 'nurse will give you a bedbath' or 'doctor will be doing his rounds shortly'.

Sister Doughty was my favourite, immaculately turned out in a dark blue uniform with white trimmings. And she was very slim...not like today's lot who wadd...

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Saturday Rhymers ClubSister

Keep moving

Preamble: for this week's Saturday Rhymers theme of "moving", just for FUN repeat FUN, here is my first attempt at a... well, you'll see.

 

Gotta keep on moving ‘cos it hurts to stand still.

Gotta weep in proving that my work’s not landfill,

Gotta seek to be outrageous ‘cos this weakness is contagious,

Gotta be a freak to speak out and break out of all these cages.

 

Gotta kee...

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We're Clever Down Here In Australia

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We're Clever Down Here In Australia

 

Preamble

This weeks Rhymers Club theme is moving.  Here is my contribution.  Pic shows current work in progress on Great Australian Chairlift Project

 

Down here in Australia we're clever

We've thought of a good way to beat

A problem which gets most people fuming

The unavoidable peak traffic heat

 

It's simple when you go think ab...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

We Don't Move Very Much

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My wife doesn't move very much

when she's watching the TV at night

I supply the occasional coffee

to provide much needed respite

 

Set in a self-induced coma

she's not really lazy as such,

just fixated on life in The Jungle

where they also don't move very much

 

I can't extricate the remote

held tight in her vice-like clutch

so I'm forced to watch what she ...

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I'm a CelebMoveSaturday Rhymers Club

My first-born

Preamble: for this week's Rhymers theme "first", here is my first attempt at a villanelle.

 

My son, it fell to you to be born first

You turned a couple into Mum and Dad

You sometimes had the best, sometimes the worst

 

You changed our lives when into them you burst,

And for that day I ever shall be glad,

My son, it fell to you to be born first.

 

Our parenting was w...

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12.01 All Done, All Said

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12.01 All Done, All Said

Preamble

This weeks Rhymer's Club theme is 'first'.  Here is my contribution inspired by my intrepid fellow rhymer.

 

Brian's first to post on Sat

Poor wifeys left in bed

At 12.01am on dot

(I gotta go, 'nuf said)

 

I could be done for something though

Accusing Brian leave wifey

While he sits up till Big Ben strikes

I could get in big str...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Our First Time

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We were up on the hills

She had gone very quiet

I instinctively knew that the time was right

I kissed her with passion as a lover might

 

I took off my shirt

Her nostrils flared

I ran my fingers through her golden hair

We gently made love in the open air

 

The encounter was brief

with minimal foreplay

I spoke to her softly; she had little to say

She blea...

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FirstSaturday Rhymers Club

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Preamble: my contribution to this week's Rhymers' theme "fire".

 

Wouldn’t it be easier to recognise a liar

If caught telling porkies, their pants really caught fire?

As a warped form of justice, it would be rather fun

To see a guilty con man get singed around the bum.

The value of honesty would rapidly be learned

If every untruth told led to buttocks getting burned.

 

P...

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comic rhymesfireliarsSaturday funSaturday Rhymers ClubSRC

Losing It

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Losing It

 

Preamble

This week's Rhymer Club theme is fire.  Here is my contribution.

 

I'm losing my spark and my fire

Cos comments are few and quite far

Do you think I am coming 'cross serious ?

Or coming 'cross with some hoo-ha ?

 

Don Matthews  November 2018

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Saturday Rhymers Club

A Minor Roasting

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Dear Father

I hope you are very well.

What a spiffing time we had last evening, myself and the other fellows. After prep we lit a roaring fire on which we toasted muffins and marshmallows.

Chadders said that Parkinson minor hadn't put a decent enough shine on his boots so he gave him a damn good thrashing, which was an absolute hoot.

Then we roasted him in front of the fire till he squ...

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fireSaturday Rhymers Club

Jack

Preamble: my contribution to this week's Saturday Rhymers theme - with apologies to anyone called Jack.

Men called Jack must always complain

About their name being taken in vain.

In language, literature, songs and nursery rhymes

The name “Jack” crops up time after time.

Whenever a male figure is expected

Chances are a character called “Jack” will be selected.

 

What have th...

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JackSaturday funSaturday Rhymers ClubSRC

Mary and Jack

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Mary and Jack

 

Preamble

This is a little-known story about Little Jack Horner and Contrary Mary. It has not been published in any kiddies book as far as I'm aware.  I was fortunate in  already having written about Little Jack when this was assigned as our Rhymer Club theme for this week.  It was written last year when I was still learning the art of rhyme and only felt comfortable with t...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Banjaxed

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Jack, being a responsible lad, before going up the hill

took Jill to the clinic and put her on the pill.

But Jill, being a devious girl with her body clock ticking

didn't take the pill before she let him put his dick in.

Four months down the line she felt the baby kicking.

 

Jack went mad and said you've ruined my bloody life.

Jill said you can fuck right off I'm not your...

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JackSaturday Rhymers Club

Leaving Home

For this week's Saturday Rhymers theme: Leaving Home.

 

When I go back and stay at my Dad’s place,

It’s great, but it’s no longer home.

 

I struggle to get my own kids off to sleep

In the room that I once called my own.

 

They watch cartoons, just as I did

Two sofas, three tellys ago.

 

So much is the same, yet so much has changed,

Though I try hard to not let i...

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Leaving homeSaturday funSaturday Rhymers ClubSRC

Waiting to Leave Home

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As they waited

his eyes surveyed the room

at all the things she'd amassed,

so recently risk assessed.

 

She'd become a virtual prisoner

in the house she'd strived to own.

The house she'd made a home

was now a source of danger for her.

 

As he wheeled her out the door

she asked how soon she'd be back.

Couple of weeks he lied.

He felt his stomach churn.

He k...

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Leaving HomeSaturday Rhymers Club

Leaving Home

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Preamble

This weeks Saturday Rymers Club theme is leaving home.  Here is my contribution

 

Leaving Home

 

The giant oak grew alongside us

A green majestic dome

When autumn came it did it's thing

And went and leaved our home

 

Don Matthews November 2018

 

https://youtu.be/OKrzcwZjuYY

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Motivation

For a poem about motivation

I find myself lacking real inspiration.

 

After a period of procrastination

It’s become a source of great frustration.

 

Is this real artistic creation

Or just intellectual masturbation?

 

But following quiet contemplation

I had a sudden revelation:

 

What I am lacking is

The title.

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6-2 6-1

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As always he was relaxed and confident,

smiling, and with good reason - he always beats me

My normal strategy is damage limitation

Today was different, I had motivation

I hadn't played for a month

I was feeling good, no aches and pains

I had a new racquet with tight strings

I had new tennis shoes

I had nothing to lose

 

It started well - I took the first game to love

...

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MotivationSaturday Rhymers Club

The Trouble is the Clubbers

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The Trouble Is the Clubbers

 

Our Clubber's theme for this week is

Getting motivated

I'm having lots of trouble here

I'm getting so frustrated

 

You see my problem's different

From what you might expect

I want to motivate myself

To lazy and neglect

 

The trouble is the Clubbers

Won't let me motivate

Myself to where I want to be

Lazy and prostrate

 

...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Intertextual protest

I like my music ANGRY. My favourite types of song

Are those that call for change, to try to right some wrongs.

I’ll take lyrics about war or peace or duty socially bound,

Over any heartfelt soulful dirge about love lost or found.

 

But it seems my favourite protest songs have limited success,

Judging by the fact the world is still in such a mess.

The answers blowing in the win...

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We Hear Your Protest Poet

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We Hear Your Protest Poet

 

What's the use of protest

In my poetry

It won't make any difference

I'm not naïve, you see

 

People have their minds set

On what they want to do

My verse it will not change them

Neither will yours too

 

They might consider what we

Think before they act

But change their minds we hope to?

We're wasting time. A fact.

 

Tak...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Going On A Demo

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I'd love to go on a demo, a mass protest or political rally

Perhaps a sit-in...anything where one can oppose

But my hair's too neat, I don't have a beard

and I don't wear sandals or hippy clothes

 

I don't know the words to 'Ooo Jeremy Corbyn'

I can't relate activist stories

and I know I wouldn't feel comfortable

saying fuck Trump and fuck the Tories

 

So I don't thin...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

DANSE MACABRE

The Angel of Death was dancing 

in a veil of gossamer grey,

close by her side the Grim Reaper pressed

as night faded into day.

 

He grinned through his hood like a gentleman should

while her wings caught the light of the moon;

like shattered glass in a ravaged dawn

they sparkled then faded away.

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Saturday Rhymers Club

The music is calling

Preamble: for this Saturday's theme of DANCE.

 

I hear music. The beat begins.

It taps gently at my consciousness and slowly enters in.

It slides through my skull like the lift of warm caffeine

Raising pulse, slowing thoughts, it’s as if I’m in a dream…

Step by step I’m vanquished, it takes over my brain

It numbs my higher functions, until nothing remains

But the essence of...

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Learning to Jive with Gina

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Learning to Jive with Gina

 

Preamble

This week's theme is dancing so thought I'd take some lessons from Gina, my cloned sis for Tina, whom Brian created.  He started this whole thing off. There is no excuse.  I lay all the blame fully at his feet.

 

I wanna get up on the dance floor

I wanna get up, groove and jive

So thought I'd go take me some lessons

In order me not to d...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Saturday 3 July 1971, Uxbridge

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We did the same more or less

as we did every Saturday night

We went to a few pubs,

we had a few pints, had a fight,

(well nearly...more of a scuffle really)

met up with a few mates,

played pool, told a few gags

looked at dirty mags

 

Meanwhile, upstairs in Burtons,

our girlfriends continued to dance

around their handbags

 

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Saturday Rhymers Club

My Wedding Day

Preamble: I wrote this shortly after my wedding 2 years ago, but never found the chance to perform it. I've revived it for today's Rhymers' theme of "weddings". It is a slam so it looks strange on paper, so I also made this video.

https://youtu.be/3jjfTqm7PyM

I have so many thanks to give for this special day!

First, the weather: my eternal gratitude to whichever Supreme Being or natural...

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My Very Disjointed Theme Contribution

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Preamble 

This Saturday's Rhymers Club theme  is about weddings.  Brian is otherwise engaged so I have agreed to rent him some space.

 

My Very Disjointed Theme Contribution (by Don Matthews)

 

This week's theme is weddings

Cos weddings in the air

Which sorta gives me problems

Forgotten I was there

 

Now do not get me wrong

I'm married, still attached

It's just ...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Class warfare

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They say it’s class warfare, they say the rich have won

They don’t understand the hurly burly’s not done

Their smug sense of victory will be somewhat misplaced

It’s hard to be elite when the planet’s laid to waste

 

They plunder and they pillage and they take more than they need

They’re selling all our futures just to feed their selfish greed

They think they’re sitting pretty,...

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Saturday funSaturday Rhymers ClubSRC

Lower the Pass Mark -Sorted

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Lower the Pass Mark - Sorted

 

Preamble

Rhymers Club theme this week is on winning and losing. Here is my attempt

Education standards are falling, due I feel, to a gradual lowering of pass marks. Correct me if I'm wrong but school funding depends on the number of successful students passing through. No students, no funding. Lowering pass marks ensures successful student flow retained h...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Successful Failures

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What does success look like?

It's clear cut isn't it...

there's a winner and there are losers

What's not to understand?

 

Well, it's not quite as simple as that

so let's break it down using a practical example

Take the marathon - twenty six miles

and more runners than you can shake a stick at

Only one person can win surely?    

 

Yes, but what about all those 

w...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Naughtiness Unnoticed

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Naughtiness Unnoticed

Preamble

I have been asked to write a poem on children.  Here is my contribution.

 

How can I write a poem

About a naughty boy ?

When I was good, so helpful

My mother's pride and joy

 

It seems I have inherited

My mother's be-nice genes

Transferred them to my daughters

No naughtiness have I seen
 

I coasted along quite nonchalantly

N...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Message from a 7-year-old

Preamble: In honour of this week's Rhymers' theme "children", here is a poem written in collaboration with my 7-year-old son.

Some people say they don’t like children

But they are wrong.

We aren’t the ones dropping the bombs.

We aren’t the ones firing the guns.

Children don’t kill other children.

 

The guy on the ground, he’s just doing as he’s told

The job that he’s paid f...

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Goo goo goo gaa gaa gaa...he's a bit hairy isn't he?

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A mix-up at Redditch Hospital  

by a Maternity Unit flunkey    

led to her taking home

a bouncing spider monkey

 

She was pleased with her offspring

though she thought that just maybe

it could be a bit better looking

but at least she had her own baby

 

She loved it as any mother would

this life that had grown inside her

She named him Jack, but ironically

gave...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Dog Lane

I walk up from the bus stop at the end of each weekday,

I know I’ll cause a ruckus, every step along the way.

One hundred yards, four houses, four front gardens, four closed gates,

Behind each one a canine sentinel does lie in wait.

To take this path I have to steel my nerves, or ears at least,

And take care not to get a scare from these four furry beasts.

Am I always to be hound...

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Where Is Our Dog?

We lost our dog the other day

I don't mean it passed away

We just couldn't find it

Notices were posted on lamposts

A reward was offered

No dog was proffered

 

But at home he's still around

His bed and bowls are still down

We can smell him in the air

It's just that he's not there

 

We felt miserable

so to cheer ourselves up

we went out for a meal

at a ne...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Is That The Problem?

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Is That The Problem ?

 

Preamble

 

I have been asked to write a canine piece.  Here is my contribution

 

Are you not happy with my dog?

Is that the problem, is it?

I'm happy to lock you in another room

When you come round and visit

 

Don Matthews September 2018

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Saturday Rhymers Club

SOAP : Corrie

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Where's the most dangerous place in the UK to live?

Is it an inner city ghetto

such as Mosside, Handsworth or Camberwell

where gun and knife crimes are rife

and violence is part of everyday life?

No, it's Coronation Street with an unbelievable level

of accidents, incidents and murders

all within spitting distance of the Rovers

 

The residents should be living in fea...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Love that was washed away

Just for fun...

 

From the moment they first met, they got on rather well,

They soon became an item, and deep in love they fell,

Were made for each other, as far as they could tell,

Pretty soon they were hearing the sound of wedding bells.

They set up home together, and things were going well

Until they took a shower, then broken was the spell

As it turned out he used soap,...

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Saturday funSaturday Rhymers Club

Regret

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Regret

 

Preamble

I have been asked to write a piece relating to soap.  Here is my contribution:

 

Consider if you will

Times spent in your life

Ones which you regret

Ones which brought you strife

 

Now consider times

Ones you may yet get

Ones spent blowing bubbles

You never will regret

 

Don Matthews September 2018

 

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Vain Search

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She puts on clean combats and pulls on her boots

from which she'd cleaned off yesterday's dirt

She didn't find anyone yesterday

She's never found anyone, not alive anyway

It used to upset her, now it no longer hurts

She won't find anyone today

 

She doesn't wear a mask anymore

The stench of death no longer fills the air

As she leaves the shelter she looks in the mirror

...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Onboard Computer

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Let's assume for the sake of argument

that there was no big bang

and that God created man.

And using invisible thread

he sensibly attached the eyes and ears

to the outside of the head

so that when wading across a river

nothing could sneak up on him.

There was a lot of sneaking up back then. Still is.

 

The top of the head itself was actually empty.

God had to ...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Chicken Bhuna

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She said she'd like me to cook her a chicken bhuna

but I thought I'd much sooner

do something else instead of spending half the day in the kitchen

making the whole house smelly 

and whilst doing so missing the footie on the telly.

 

Anyway, it never tastes quite as good as you thought it would

so I had a lazy day and in the evening we had a takeaway.

I stuffed myself a...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Emmental

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She needs to lose a few pounds

my wife, mother of the bride

Pounds that clothes won't hide

So it's Slimming World

and counting points

and not eating what you please

such as crisps and chocolate

and full-fat cheese

To help her I've devised a solution...

she can have cheese but only emmental

which I'll cut thinly with my Swiss Army Knife

I'll eat the cheese, she can ...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Small Man Syndrome

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When wearing his built up shoes         

he's barely five feet tall

His hairstyle adds another inch

It's not much fun being small

 

Bullies call him tosser and fucker

and the word that rhymes with hunt

Who cares, as long as they don't put

shortarse on the front

 

Competitive at sc...

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Saturday Rhymers Club

Turning Up The Heat

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I was safe, boxed in against the world

with no wish to change the status quo

but you did something that hit me hard

and then the cracks began to show

 

You turned up the heat on me

and I'm really in trouble

I'm going crinkly around the edges

and now my yolk is starting to bubble

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Saturday Rhymers Club

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