Janet Ramsden

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:36

Why apoplogize? It's your poem and it is fun. I think that's where rhyme works best. :-)
Kept me smiling.
Janet.x

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:30

Brainy poetry. What a treat to be so challenged.

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Janet Ramsden

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:26

I enjoyed this very much too.
I love the philosophy between the lines. I also love to compare the nature of people to trees and often see them in the form of a tree. The many branches being aspects of their life and the twists and turns they've taken along the way. The new ones coming through in the form of new opportunities and new ventures etc.... etc....

I could go on forever. Thanks for sparking this train of thought processes.

Janet.x

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steve mellor

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:25

Hello again Cynthia
I suppose most of my poems are 'worked on' to some extent.
I write almost everything sat at my computer, generally arriving at a draft fairly quickly. I then let it sit, and generally keep returning to the computer over the next 24 hours and perhaps change the odd word or two, but the bulk of it remains. Fine tuning may be the best phrase, if that doesn't sound too up-myself.
Thanks for the message
x Steve x

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:23

You are so good, Frances. This is fabulous. I'm so glad you are posting here.
Like yourself, I love to personify everything. I regularly thank my refrigerator for keeping my food 'fresh', and pat my oven for transforming raw stuff into an appetizing pizza. My favourite car colour was yolk yellow. My husband nearly croaked - but we got it. At the time it was the only one on the roads; however, I'm quite law-abiding, so it didn't need anonymity.

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Rachel McGladdery

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:20

This is just lovely. You have made me sad for a rubber glove...do they mate for life like swans? Brilliant.
Rach
x

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:16

This is really interesting, extremely clever as the metaphor is carried handily to the conclusion. (Forgive me, my humour is awful). All kidding aside, there is even an element of sadness, which must indicate a very effective work.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:10

Cute.

Comment is about Pollyanna (blog)

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Rachel McGladdery

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:00

Cheers Cynthia,ace! I posted my last comment before I spotted yours by the way. I'm going to have a mess with it this aftie and see what happens. Thanks for the input everyone. Much 'preciated.
rach
x

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Rachel McGladdery

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:58

Sight rhyme, Yeah! You are clever indeed. See now I've learnt something too. The patio thing came from a friend who used to mispronounce it on purpose to affect a pretend Mrs. Bouquet accent. I'll be honest, I've used it for so long in speech myself I sort of forgot that everybody isn't in on the joke but it ties in with the (stolen from the tasteless poor)which is a very Mrs. Bouquet statement too, and is the attitude that pees me off with house porn in general...I do love watching it, but in a slightly sitting on my chair rocking backwards and forwards in abject jealousy way...there, that's healthy isn't it.
Rach
x

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:56

OK, I'm in. This is marvellous, Rachel. What a superb analogy.

#1: perhaps:

Stroke the wood
Lip sweet fellatio
Blonde as honey
Oh, you would though, wouldn't you?

This connects the idea of 'wood and honey' rather neatly.

#2: I would take out the bracketted comment completely. I don't think it adds a thing but distraction to the 'sexual push' you're panting to accomplish. PS Put in your commas.

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John Turner

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:50

Anyway, technially, 'fellatio' and 'patio' qualifies as a half-rhyme. The difference between the soft vowel sound and the hard vowel sound actually works, like hard on soft during coitus.. key to the erotic nature of the poem.

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Isobel

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:48

Would love to hear this performed - would love to perform it. It is a stark, powerful, bleak message that so many seem to be ignoring. 2 degrees probably means disappearing islands and human habitat, catastrophic weather conditions, untenable extremes - yet the changes we have to make are just too difficult...

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John Turner

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:46

You could always use a sight rhyme? Visually it works and the reader can sort of make his/her own mind up whether to manipulate the sound in their head or at least understand what you've done. Shakespeare used sight rhymes a lot so it's been done by the big men... (which I suppose is perhaps relevant to the context)

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Rachel McGladdery

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:38

Hi Ann, I know it would fit alongside the ratio/patio line but wondered if it'd be better echoed at the end '...stroke the wood....give the banister fellatio' or is that WAY too clumsy... I'll have a play. I'm probably going to try to get a spot on the open mic at the next wordsoup in preston (feb). I love performing but somehow whenever I see/hear footage of it, I have terrible problems with my s sounds, they come out as shh which can be comical but problematic too! That's why I really appreciate hearing a lovely speaking voice,(such as yours) cos mine isn't, truly. Cheers for the comment honey,Brixton? Wow, I think you sound very posh. I also thought you'd be very west country too, I lived in Devon for four years but no traces of the accent now. Racheroox

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Janet Ramsden

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:30

Hi Ann,
thanks for commenting with your thoughts on Snow People poems.
It's the kind of comment i was hoping for.
The first is my first draft and as it came out on paper. The second is when i started messing around with it. I'm hopeless at editing and often do too little or too much.

Janet.x

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:30

Rachel - felatio is staring you in the face! ;-) It rhymes with patio as much as ratio does, so write another line for either one."I'll give you a felatioif I can have a patio" or "with your Palladian ratioyou deserve a felatio". Or don't know if you need the "a" before felatio? I've led a very sheltered life! I have half written a poem along similar lines - called "The Wow Factor". You may see it soon on a website near you! By the way, are you performing again soon? Good luck if so! Maybe you could try an audio with one of your poems? I am not from the north, but born in Brixton by the way! (In answer to a previous comment)

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John Turner

Mon 11th Jan 2010 11:57

In the preview section on this site, the poem shows in a different format than what is actually published. I shortened 'your' to 'ur' so that the sentence fitted on the correct line. That said, I bet e.e. cummings (no caps needed) would probably be well into text spk, not to mention ur instead of your. So I'm allowed too! As regards whether this poem would work more as a blog, I disagree - my style of verse is often conversational and short on the usual poetic gestures. It's just how I tend to write. I suppose the more laboured ones will come across more immediately as 'poetic.' Many thanks for your comments. I will check out your work soon.

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John Turner

Mon 11th Jan 2010 11:51

You're speaking of 'Left Over' in the samples section? Many thanks. I will be sure to check out your work soon.

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 11th Jan 2010 09:50

Sorry to rhyme hill and thrill about a million times but I wanted to post this before the snow melted. And it's just a bit of fun! ;-)

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 11th Jan 2010 09:47

Hi John. I didn't notice any cliches in Left Over. Maybe this poemwould make a good blogg? Somehow it seemed hard to comment on the one you chose as it seemed more of a statement. Is "ur vicious" etc right or should it be "your"? Anyway, good poem I thought. And welcome too.

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Paul Conneally

Mon 11th Jan 2010 09:02

Thanks Janet!

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Paul Conneally

Mon 11th Jan 2010 08:50

Hi Cynthia - the link is to the whole series - i've put 3 here with the illustrations - the link is safe - all that's best - paul

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steve mellor

Mon 11th Jan 2010 08:48

Hi Ann
Thanks for ever welcome comment. I've added an explanation comment, so those who read know exactly where I was coming from
xx Steve xx

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steve mellor

Mon 11th Jan 2010 08:30

The poem came about after listening to news from Copenhagen conference on global warming, during which a scientist advised that we are only 2 degrees away from irreversible climate change.

Comment is about 2 Degrees (blog)

cdl

Mon 11th Jan 2010 05:26

I don't normally enjoy reading poems which meander across the page because it is usually a contrivance to make a boring poem look interesting!

I also generally find poems with an 'agenda' based in politics, morality or religion degenerate into an incoherant rant where the poem is lost to the argument.

So I approached this with some trepidation and a slight cynicism after reading your intro.

Yet, by the end I was extremely impressed on many levels. By the end of the third reading I realised how skilfully crafted the poem is, how measured and considered and that the message is about the struggle of the essence of humanity to escape the shackles of indoctrination passed down through each generation, whose separate moralities and beliefs divide rather than unite. Everything about organised religion, politics and social structure claims to portray righteousness and concilation, but contrives in practice, to do the very opposite.

I don't personally believe that John Lennon, or his song, or the existence of any form of God are any more rational, meaningful or desirable than the falsehoods upon which humanity in general bases its debased opressive agendas. In truth it is not easy to imagine a world without countries, possessions. Nor is it easy to 'unthink' the concepts of heaven and hell, even if like me, you don't believe in either. It is not the structures that are flawed, but the way in which they are deployed by those who wield the greatest power. And yet the greatest of all is supposed to be God, but the complete abscence of any direct influence on the twisted logic of his alleged creation (mankind) who dress him in guises of conflict rather than love, is evidence that 'He' is merely a construct of the imagination of people who strive for there to be something more than 'this'. Something beyond the physical existence of subsistence. Yet ultimately, Lennon's imagination is set on dismantling the ethereal and spiritual and creating a world based on a simple moral ethic of sharing. Sadly, this misguided notion disregards the fact that human beings are merely animals. Highly evolved animals, but nontheless, fundamentally and instictively creatures whose personal survival and procreation IS the meaning of life. Everything else is of the imagination, but imagine how much simpler life would be without the capacity to imagine! Imagination is the fuel of greed, power, corruption and all of the catalysts which created the multitude of different and conflicting systems and doctrines which enslave the masses!

Lions, foxes, insects, fish, birds....do they 'imagine there's no heaven?. Do they imagine that there is a life after death, a heaven or hell? NO. And they are better off for it! Furthermore their morality is not flawed, for their motivation never strays beyond the base instinct of subsistence and survival, into the psychological abyss of greed, excess, physical or spiritual domination. There are hunters and prey, but the prey are themselves hunters and so, it could be argued that the absence of imagination in the devolved animal kingdom is by far the most egalitarian, free and unhindered structure in which nature is allowed to progress in a totally ethical unemotional manner. Free of cruelty for cruelty's sake, free of the cumbersome burdens of legislation, litigation, law and welfare, which, in the hands and minds of human beings, will always be tools for self promotion and ego rather than sharing, common need, or even individual need. Lesser animals need. Human beings WANT. And to want anything, even to want world peace and the ideology which Lennon professes, is ultimately futile, for it creates its own conflicts of interests, because it can only possibly work if human beings returned to the unevolved, the unsophisticated 'needs' and strive for nothing beyond that. Take away our imagination and the world would be a much more peaceful place, because the only prey would be lower life forms and the communual aspect and instinctive 'herd mentality'for the common good of successful
animal species, would then be a NEED instead of a WANT!!

You can assume from all this, that I found your very well written poem extremely thought provoking! So take that as a compliment even if you disagree with my view that Lennon ought to be shot for having such daft ideas and that if God wants to make sure that never happens, he should ensure that no potential assassin is allowed to be created from the seed of HIS creation!!! Otherwise, God is as crazy as the rest of us!

;-)

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Francine

Mon 11th Jan 2010 03:18

I love this Mike!
Very inspirational and positive : )

So many great lines in this...

'There is another universe;
A universe of stars.'

'Many Giants come and
Go this way, yet never stray from
Paths so worn, never venture glades
So full of multitudes,
Never have courage to explore.'

Francine x


Comment is about The Woods (blog)

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winston plowes

Mon 11th Jan 2010 00:23

Hey, fiona... just a tip. If you are going to reply to someones comment .. put it in their profile section as they wont usually catch it in your blog (you can put it in both of course if relevant) Win x

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winston plowes

Mon 11th Jan 2010 00:05

Recycle it as paper clips Dave
Win

Comment is about More than a puzzle (blog)

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Tommy Carroll

Sun 10th Jan 2010 23:37

really?...nah no way, your boiling my sprouts as we say in Liverpool!

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DG

Sun 10th Jan 2010 23:30

no need for tankas or cinquains. It's fine as a non-rhyming limerick.

Comment is about Advice to bi-peds (blog)

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jean lucy thompson

Sun 10th Jan 2010 23:23

Aww well was taken over two years ago eeek (prob is dont know how to change it )

Comment is about Advice to bi-peds (blog)

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Ann Foxglove

Sun 10th Jan 2010 23:05

Astute and cynical. Your last one was a bit cynical too, are you going through an astute and cynical phase? ;-)

Comment is about in Moniker Alley (blog)

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Rachel McGladdery

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:50

Hi Augusta, I walked by the canal the other day and saw a barge called Hunter's Moon....and it was from Cheshire, I thought about Write Out Loud for the whole rest of the walk...
Rachel
x

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Banksy

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:41

Hi Cynthia - it's something I heard once & an oblique reference to the theatre/movie term "fade to black" -at the end of a scene they might fade the light to black.
fade to jack is abbr "fade to jack shit" ie fade to nothing - sorry to be coarse,but that's it.

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Jon

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:37

Hi Ann,
Just to say I enjoyed this poem,and found it very moving,
Jonboy

Comment is about my love is like the train waiting (blog)

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Banksy

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:34

Hi Ann - that's very kind. thanks

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Ann Foxglove

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:34

Hya Rache - my grandma used to call me Fanny Fanackapan when I was little and being awkward! I want to be a hedge witch, got books about it and everything! When I wrote this poem it had a cheerful ending, "my love still has its fingers crossed" or some such rubbish, but then I woke up one morning with the miserable ending, which is better.

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Rachel McGladdery

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:34

Wow, you made a woman with PMT laugh! Now that's a powerful poem.
Cheers for the smile
rachel
x

Comment is about scary thoughts... (blog)

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Rachel McGladdery

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:30

You must perform this sometime, you have a wonderful voice....did I detect a hint of northern in there too?
A beautiful poem, beautifully read.
Rachel
x

Comment is about If you can read this . . . (blog)

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Rachel McGladdery

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:28

Oh Fanny Oxglove, I loved this. I wanted to have written the last lines.
Rachel
xxx
ps, hope you don't mind your new name? It made me think of a hedge witch! :)

Comment is about my love is like the train waiting (blog)

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Ann Foxglove

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:25

Well, I've heard of the Three Degrees! I thought this was going to be about how we are ignoring the horrors of the world and only talking about the minus degrees (weather) but you surprised me Steve.

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Graham Sherwood

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:22

The last three lines say more than the rest of the piece put together for me.

Comment is about No way out (blog)

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Ann Foxglove

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:19

Do sharks pounce? Maybe they lunge! Sounds like you lead a life surrounded by dangerous things - keep safe!

Comment is about scary thoughts... (blog)

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Graham Sherwood

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:16

Strong verbal anger and carefully hidden envy (of a sort) tied up in this work.

Comment is about Working class winter (blog)

Original item by S.J.

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Rachel McGladdery

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:13

I really like this, I love that it's done with a light touch, just like the beautiful picture. Thanks for your comment on mine by the way,
Rachel
x

Comment is about Comparing Mythologies (blog)

Original item by Tom Harding

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Graham Sherwood

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:05

Welcome to WOL S.J
I can't agree with your religious views but would certainly like to see some of your recent stuff on here.

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John Turner

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:02

Hey. I'm not quite sure of the cliches you're speaking of but I will take another look. I composed the poem in about ten minutes and so perfection wasn't expected. I'll give it a re-edit at some point. Thanks for your comments.

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Graham Sherwood

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:02

Hello Andreas. Welcome to WOL. Be good to see some of your work on here.

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Graham Sherwood

Sun 10th Jan 2010 22:00

Welcome to WOL Ant. You sound very accomplished. Enjoyed the pace of Far Too Many.

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