(Afficionados may recollect Fireball XL5 and the incomparable Steve Zodiac)

I wish I was a statesman, famous and renowned

And not a numb nonentity, the dullest dude around;

It’s all imagination, I’ll never reach the stars

They say I’m just a sillyman

Ed Milliband

A lightweight never destined to go far.

I’ve ended up as leader – a surprisingly close shave

But with the union’s backing pipped my elder brother, Dave;

I never meant to win it – this joke has gone too far;

Cos I am just a silly man

Called Milliband

Cos brother Dave’s the one who was the star.

But Dave, you’re out of politics, so say “Bye-bye” and wave;

I’ve got another rival now and strangely he’s called “Dave”

Like schoolboys on the playground our words we spin and spar

He says that I’m a silly man

Called Milliband

And I say, “Dave, you’re poo; that’s what you are”.

But neither’s Dave a statesman, famous and renowned

When with Hollande and Merkel you will note his nose is brown

And though we all agree that Cameron’s just a nob

You think that I’m a sillyman

Called Milliband

Who’ll never make PM and get his job.