I’m the Urbane Statesman; I’m elegant and clean

The dapperest you’ve seen.

I’m the Urbane Statesman with my white shirt and blue tie

The blue-rinse ladies sigh.

I learned from Maggie to project an image that’s clean-cut

And not to wear a donkey jacket like that Michael Foot.

I’ve machoed up my photo-shoots with jogging, drinking beer

But I’m just no Vladimir.

I’m the Urbane Statesman I’ve a friend who’s called Barak

But I can’t join his attack.

I envied Tony Blair cos he got to bomb Baghdad

It seems I’ve lost my chance to do the same with al-Assad.

I’d like to be involved in this European dance

But just sit like a wallflower while Germany and France

Lead the Euro two-step as they cuddled and they kissed

As though I don’t exist.

I’m the Urbane Statesman, for your votes I need to beg

To free me up from Clegg.

I’m the Urbane Statesman, superficial, dull and bland

But not quite Milliband.