Hey There, Vagina

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Hey there, Vagina! In my teens I spent my wages

Buying dirty mags with photos of you on those sticky pages,

Some air-brushed

While others were magnificently bushed

On the tush.

Hey there, Vagina! To my mates I lied with laughter

Well enough to win a BAFTA about all the girls I’d shafted;

There was Jean

And Jill and Jacqueline and Josephine

(I was 14).


Oh, what you do to me! The lure of your anatomy!

Oh, what you do to me you’ve done since my puberty

What you do to me.


Hey there, Vagina, you’re so perfumed, pink and pretty

But you need to point out to me that there thing they call a clitty.

God forbid!

I couldn’t point it out for twenty quid

And where it’s hid.

Hey there, Vagina, please forgive my lame excusing

But your geography’s confusing I get lost when I’ve been boozing;

All these bits!

I know their name; the problem for me it’s

Where stuff fits.


Oh it’s what you do to me. Oh it’s what you do to me

Oh it’s what you do to me. (These are just tautologies

From Plain White T’s.)



I’d really like to think I am a liberated, modern man

(I often pick my socks up off the floor)

When Tottenham lost I swear I wept, I know where our Bex Bissell’s kept

I’ve thrown my dirty books out of the drawer;

This provenance and history though pales before the mystery

Of those confusing flaps and folds of skin;

Where to begin?


Hey there, Vagina; she knows I love and adore her

With her labia majora and her labia minora

And G-spot

And clitoris which one girlfriend had not

No longer got.

Hey there, Vagina, all these terms I’ve learned to say ‘em,

Like the vulva, perineum, to the girls before I lay ‘em;

But it’s true

I cannot tell the difference on their flue;

I’ve not a clue.


Oh, what you do to me is all gynaecology

Oh, it’s all just Greek to me, this gynaecology

This gynecology. 

◄ I Miss The Man That I Used To Be

In The Grotto ►


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John Coopey

Fri 20th Dec 2013 21:02

I do like the way there's a little "X" over the anus rather like a No Entry sign.

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John Coopey

Mon 16th Dec 2013 19:25

Tim Sherwood or George Graham?
They'd be better off playing you, me and a couple of toby jugs at the back at the minute. What happened to the most miserly defence in the country?
(I carry the map above around with me just in case)

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Graham Sherwood

Mon 16th Dec 2013 19:02

Sorry I was a little confused at first john. I thought the picture was the THFC line-up but then corrected myself. The above is actually useful!!

Well I suppose my namesake left i/c at Spurs can't really do much worse.

Have a brilliant Christmas JC, whichever manger you're in!!


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John Coopey

Mon 16th Dec 2013 18:58

Look what I've found.

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John Coopey

Mon 16th Dec 2013 15:39

Each - many thanks for your kind thoughts on my Christmas No 1.
I would agree with you Izzy about the simplicity of the male organ. When you get to my age it's remembering what it's for that,s more complicated.
Anthony - I have one waiting in the oven for Selby Abbey, "Like a Verger".

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Anthony Emmerson

Mon 16th Dec 2013 14:12

Clitoris - it's one of those words that's difficult to remember for me - always on the tip of my tongue. I look forward to the Selby Abbey performance of this work - now that really would be a cunning stunt. All the best for Crimbo John - and looking forward to more earthy guffaws in 2014!



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Mon 16th Dec 2013 13:34

'I’d really like to think I am a liberated, modern man
(I often pick my socks up off the floor)'

If that's the definition, then I think I must be a modern liberated man as well ;)

Very amusing John - dare I say that it would go down well in the right venues :)

You gents are so lucky - there's no confusion with the ladies over your erogenous bits!

Merry Christmas to you... xx

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John Coopey

Mon 16th Dec 2013 13:04

Many thanks, MC. You're right about this having its linkage with a previous poem, but not the last one - I think; more like "The Naming of the Parts". Certainly - I re-used the pic.

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M.C. Newberry

Mon 16th Dec 2013 12:38

Really enjoyed the musical setting and the
inventive lyrics and wonder if there is any
connection between this post and its predecessor?!
Poor young mankind - it's such a strain
When the dick controls the brain
A cool eye - like a medico
Would help that ready,steady, go.
Heading heedless for that funnel
Like an express train in Box Tunnel.
All that coming and all that going
All that tiring to-and-fro-ing.

Nature's got one way of knowing
If the grass was worth the mowing...
In nine months will a kid be showing?!!

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