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Phillip Kelly

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 11:46

hi ALISON, love this poem, it uses similar style to my sort of poems that im writing.....only you utilise it more effectively and to greater purpose....IM IMPRESSED with this poem.....the comparisons of Spring and winter in first to paragraphs work well, and their connotations suggest to me that the speaker has lived cold sheltered, lonely life recently ( winter ), but is now starting to grow and sprout out and love again ....as temperatures rise and sun comes out ( SPRING, NEW LIFE AND SEEING ATTRACTIVE PERSON TO FLIRT WITH )........

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Gus Jonsson

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 11:46


Thank you so much Iso. Chris, and Yvonne for reading and particularly for your well thought through and encouraging comments.

Hope to see and hear from all soon.

Once again Many many thanks
Gus x

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Chris Co

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 10:52

Very well painted prose poem Gus.

accompaniment....lovely use of the word.

I love cameos like this, you put the reader in the picture without regard to explanations. Explanations are after all more the plot of films and plays than of life.

My Best

Chris

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Alison Smiles

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 10:51

I hear the writer's voice as a man with bitter experience. Right down to the feeling of anger at a woman's shallowness. I like it, the feeling that it's a wrangle and there's a winner at the end which the poem implies is always the woman. I'd love to write a woman's response to this!

Comment is about Fishing For Fella's (blog)

Original item by Phillip Kelly

Wendy Scott

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 10:34

Thanks, Greg, the session you went to sounds very inspiring. I have always felt that we humans are privileged to share the planet with its rich natural wonders.
This new festival definitely sounds as if it is worth supporting -- I'll look out for it next year. Wendy

Comment is about Call of the wild at Cheltenham poetry festival (article)

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Alison Smiles

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 09:44

Another one that really resonates with me. I loved the hands as foreign explorers and the double twist of eyes and departure.

I'm not stalking - I can't help myself!

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Isobel

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 09:39

Crumbs what a horrid picture you paint - I like the fun in it though.

And I'm glad to see there are some compensations for being small breasted :))

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Original item by Alison Smiles

Terry White

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 07:37

Cynthia, thank you for sharing your ideas about Day 7. I love hearing how other people view what I write. It gives me a fresh way of seeing things and I think that's so helpful when it comes to improving what we write.

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Terry White

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 07:28

Yvonne, so glad you like rainbows too lol.

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Terry White

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 07:28

Feel free to stalk me all you want. I appreciate the attention, it just lets me know I've not ran out of things to say and ways to say them.

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Rory Peace

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 02:41

i've just stumbled across your troth of poems, have enjoyed reading them!

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Yvonne Brunton

Sun 22nd Apr 2012 00:07

beware the allen key as it has now been rechrisened hexagonal wrench.

Comment is about Ikea (blog)

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Phillip Kelly

Sat 21st Apr 2012 23:06

hi this is a very interesting and effective sample poem, that makes good use phonological features to reinforce the flow of the conversational / monologue style of the poem which is acquired through enjambement and effective use of internal rhyme, assonance and consonance in mid lines.

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Rose Casserley

Sat 21st Apr 2012 21:41

'each' works brilliantly Nick, far better, I like it! See...there's proof right there that I'm NOT a misery! :)

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Sat 21st Apr 2012 19:54

The rest of it flew off
into the red/white/or blue yonder Mr.C.

Muchly of ta,s.xx

Comment is about Orange & White (blog)

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Sat 21st Apr 2012 19:49

A fantastic 'best' for you Harry.

"The sound of a west wind waking an Irish dawn"

Can you delete that and let us have it? lol.

Love and regards.xx

Comment is about promised poem for Kathy after the party (blog)

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Dominic Berry

Sat 21st Apr 2012 18:52

Thank you Cynthia! We're all very very excited! We've all worked so hard at the show, going on tour is a scary but thrilling step! Onward and upward! xxx

Comment is about Dominic Berry's Wizard goes on tour (article)

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Roy Chetham

Sat 21st Apr 2012 17:57

Thanks Nick for the feedback.
Yes, the parts you highlight as problematic I have struggled with and changed before.
I am still not happy with them and will consider your suggestions.

Comment is about Analysing Trust (blog)

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Graham Sherwood

Sat 21st Apr 2012 17:21

John I just wish you were playing up front for THFC. Your current strike rate is fantastic. This is priceless. A bit disappointed you didn't get an Allen Key in there somewhere though, ha ha!! Graham (Keep the faith).

Comment is about Ikea (blog)

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 21st Apr 2012 17:04

I like this. Only three days ago I heard the capital referred to as 'Planet London'. You write so clearly and honestly, of such insignificant things that add up to great impressions and much wisdom. OK-OK, I'm done.

Comment is about Don't look back. (blog)

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 21st Apr 2012 16:53

Absolutely spot on. We still speak with real affection of our special 'feline friends' who have shared our family lives through the years. A good topic, and warmly written.

Comment is about We're gonna miss that cat (blog)

Original item by Mark Mr T Thompson

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 21st Apr 2012 16:39

A wry, entertaining observation on human ego and aspiration. There is an original train of thought at work here, with the added bonus of a grasp of words.

Comment is about This is the poem (blog)

Original item by Marnanel Thurman

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 21st Apr 2012 16:39

I had to start twice because I actually chuckled at the alliteration and internal rhyming of the first three lines - the 'eeps' especially. But 'widow weedy' is really good, and I did get on with the fourth line etc. Rhyme and metre seemed most apt.IMO, the poem has a very Gothic plot. The 'harrumph' is well placed, pulling the poem further into low comedy which is suggested by its very title, 'sheets I will not change', the pomposity of 'I maunder by', 'imperilling this edifice' and the tongue-twisting 'who sought solace within the stove.' I think the poem is meant to be funny. I do apolgise if I've misread the intent.

BTW, I agree with Steve: 'love's detritus' is fairly well known. But it fits here, because it is a bit of a cliche.

Comment is about The Vapours (blog)

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 21st Apr 2012 16:31

What song isn't at risk from hilarious depredations at the hands of this inspired source? I think Ms Springfield would have loved this - tho' as a songwriter myself, I can't speak for the author(s) of this big hit. But they do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...so fair enough.

Comment is about Ikea (blog)

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 21st Apr 2012 16:19

'my sob nailed into the night'. Nobody expresses feelings with imaginative, evocative words quite as well as you do.

Comment is about Dose (blog)

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 21st Apr 2012 16:12

They must be rather harsh 'love bites'. But the sentiment of 'rainbows' is very engaging. Interesting how 'age' enters the picture here. What might seem like pride in prowess could be an expression of intense 'love' which the writer feels no other man could equal. Either way, I suppose, it is 'pride'. The final three lines open up a whole new view about the man's personal bitterness, and yet highlights his skill at sexual manipulation that 'she/he' should 'long' for him. (A 'breast' is part of a body, male or female. I have no idea why I find this poem so strongly 'masculine'.)

Comment is about Day 7 (blog)

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 21st Apr 2012 16:08

J.C. - I don't refute Alfred's rightful place as a hero. But Horatio Nelson had the advantage of living in more recent times when the threat was even greater -
with France seeking domination all over the place - and what is astonishing is that in an age when communication was so poor and news of war victories was carried by the coaching trade around the nation, this man became so famous among the ordinary people. It is this that undoubtedly created jealousy among his peers -some of whom may well have been very able and dedicated professionals... others less so in an era when commissions were bought rather than earned. Nelson was probably seen as a parvenu by them...more suitable for the tradesmen's door. As for naval punishments: I guess they were just the norm. for the times - accepted rather than questioned until more enlightened views took precedence. Slavery has a similar history in terms
of what was considered acceptable for its time.

Comment is about NELSON WAS A NORFOLK BOY (blog)

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 21st Apr 2012 15:56

Yvonne - I confess that this was written in answer for something to be used in a musical about historic characters aimed at kids. It is the intentional shanty-ish rhythm that you must have picked up. There was no follow-up so my chance at being a Tim Rice for brats was lost.

Comment is about NELSON WAS A NORFOLK BOY (blog)

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 21st Apr 2012 15:49

Keep the chuckles coming! But I have a horrible feeling that if I pop my clogs tomorrow (heaven forbid!), I shall be remembered - if at all - on this esteemed site for "mental flossing"!
Ouch!

Comment is about RE Cycle Thread (blog)

Original item by Nick Clifton

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M.C. Newberry

Sat 21st Apr 2012 15:34

A brave subject...honestly treated. I assume
that "sat" (in the line "In what they had to sat" is intended to be "say".

Comment is about Loneliness to solitude (blog)

Original item by Lucy

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 21st Apr 2012 15:33

Hilarious - delightfully skippy with real crafting, and a very humorous ending, poking wonderful fun at us all, neatly exposing our real dreams.

Comment is about This is the poem (blog)

Original item by Marnanel Thurman

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 21st Apr 2012 15:23

His wife was well taken care of with a hero's financial allotment for life; but his beloved mistress received nothing. Interesting that she kept the letters and he didn't. History really does a lot of air brushing, blotting out the putrid pimples.

Hey! Hey! That last line has some merit - a POEM stirs - bubbles - froths - explodes - Hmmmmmm. I'd better write it down in my book. Who knows?

Comment is about NELSON WAS A NORFOLK BOY (blog)

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 21st Apr 2012 14:56

This is a good topic to explore. I felt 'satisfied', 'finished' when you wrote 'I grant myself some grace'. It is an excellent line, concluding some fine imagery. I do realize that there is a transition intended here. But, in my opinion(IMO), the two 'parts' would better connect by continuing the same formatting throughout. I found the shift distracting rather than enhancing. Always with respect (AWR)

Is Welcome to WOL in order? You'll find us a stimulating and appreciative lot.

Comment is about Loneliness to solitude (blog)

Original item by Lucy

Yogesh Pawar

Sat 21st Apr 2012 14:52

I have Aspergers Syndrome, i feel the same.

Comment is about Asperger Poetry (blog)

Original item by Alain English

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 21st Apr 2012 14:27

It's a long way from sheltering with fear inside a toilet cubicle. Clear enunciation in a rapid-delivery line is vital. Keep all the cast alert; it is so easy to get careless, especially when excited. Congratulations from Manchester. Enjoy every minute!

Comment is about Dominic Berry's Wizard goes on tour (article)

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Ann Foxglove

Sat 21st Apr 2012 14:08

Hi Lucy - a nice honest poem! I often feel the way you have described - the good bits and the not so good. Nice to see you posting - though your profile poem seems to have gone AWOL.

Comment is about Loneliness to solitude (blog)

Original item by Lucy

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Ann Foxglove

Sat 21st Apr 2012 14:06

Where has your poem gone Lucy? Hope one appears here again soon :)

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winston plowes

Sat 21st Apr 2012 13:28

I think this is your best so far John. A difficult song to sing, let alone play as well. Can't do either. Win

Comment is about Ikea (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

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Lucy

Sat 21st Apr 2012 13:05

Hi Phillip, really enjoyed reading your profile and sample poems. I especially like the first poem, the way it flows and the truth about it. Look forward to reading more.

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Phillip Kelly

Sat 21st Apr 2012 12:45

hi lucy.....welcome to WOL...im new to this too...only joined last night........ i love your sample poem , the focalisation on enjambement, parallelism and repetition really works well and creates a good, flow to the poem that is reminiscent of a scattered mind racing over things. the interal and end rhyme in places is of good amount and works well.

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Neil Fawcett

Sat 21st Apr 2012 11:57

I laughed John, oh how I laughed. I agree Isobel.

Comment is about I Got Ewe Babe (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

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Nick Clifton

Sat 21st Apr 2012 11:45

Okay, Blue and Orange but where's the rest of it. Short measures - indeed!, ta muchly Nick.

Comment is about Orange & White (blog)

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Isobel

Sat 21st Apr 2012 10:37

There is some very adult content in this one but again it made me larrrf. I think you've got enough material to put on a one man show now - it would be great entertainment - have you ever thought of it?

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Mark Mr T Thompson

Sat 21st Apr 2012 10:37

:-)

Comment is about Ikea (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

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Mark Mr T Thompson

Sat 21st Apr 2012 10:33

Thanks Nick

Comment is about We're gonna miss that cat (blog)

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Isobel

Sat 21st Apr 2012 10:29

:) I just sang along with you and the kids liked it too.

On a serious note - the guitar work was pretty nifty - what a great skill to combine with poetry, I so wish I could play.

I once bought lamps from Ikea. Every time the bulbs went the house lights fused...

I hope you've sorted out your stool problem :) x

Comment is about Ikea (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

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Isobel

Sat 21st Apr 2012 10:19

I'd agree that serious poetry can be written in rhyme and metre. My all time favourite poem on here is 'Lifelines' by Anthony Emmerson and it rhymes. Perhaps it has something to do with what metre we choose - it's hard to put a finger on it for me. The aabb pattern works better for less serious poetry I feel - though I concede that it's a personal thing.

I think the poem would be stronger without the plonk/want and trunk/harrumph line though.

I say this because you give and welcome robust critique. It is better to be commented on than ignored, I think - and I find it hard to be less than genuine.

As I said earlier - the opening lines are lovely. I love the last two lines also - they have echoes of Shakespeare - and you can't get much better than that.

Comment is about The Vapours (blog)

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Val Cook

Sat 21st Apr 2012 09:21

Priceless, another brilliant adaptation. I love them John X

Comment is about Ikea (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Sat 21st Apr 2012 09:12

or orange&blue in this case.

Comment is about Orange & White (blog)

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Ann Foxglove

Sat 21st Apr 2012 06:54

I love this John! It's truly wonderful!!! I expect the shelf was called Dorf or Tibalt or something. I love that about Ikea - all their furniture having names. Homebase should call their cupboards things like Gladys and Ethell imo.

Comment is about Ikea (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

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