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Lee Dixon’s Cliche Cabinet

When Lee Dixon opens his cliche cabinet,

We’re havin' it.


It was a game of two halves

The lad’s put in a shift

You couldn’t write this script, that’s a gift

Get in there my son, go on my boy

The phrases flow, sucked of joy


He pulls rabbits from hats

With consummate ease

He’s a mangled mouthed magician

Can’t you see?


His left foot’s just for standing on

the wand is in his right

This master of allusion,

King of all things trite

With prerehearsed stock lines that reek of glib inanity

Any longer in here and I’ll succumb to insanity

Get on the end of that you beauty

He's put it away with style

Is it Lee’s patriotic duty

To frustrate, incense and rile?


This system’s just not working

Without wing backs to overlap

It’s carnage in Gelsenkirchen

They’ve sprung the offside trap


The jury’s out for Lee on VAR

And he still carries the scar

Of previous atrocities of the lexical kind

Don’t drop back too far or you’ll fall behind

Because dropping too deep’s an affliction

Which infects a winning side

And feeds Lee’s addiction

There’s nowhere left to hide

From the torrent of tepid torpor

The mindless, Matterface and mundane

That’s what top pundits are for

Mouthing the same old stuff again

And again, and again

Get me out of this confined space

Where the cliches roam in packs

Take me to a better place with the originality this place lacks

I don’t care if he’s Scots, he’s got wit and flair

And he’s a co-commentator now who’s going spare

So raise me up on a verbal hoist

And rejoice, for the voice, of Ally McCoist



Hopefully timely with Lee ready & waiting to do his unique thing again this evening in Dortmund.



◄ Celebrant


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R A Porter

Thu 11th Jul 2024 13:16

Thank you Graham, Greg and Stephen. Punditry remains an arcane world where language is ritually abused by the High Priests of the Beautiful Game. It is almost as big a mystery as England insisting on playing with a right back on the left wing, effectively rendering them a team of ten men. But they're in the final, so what do I know?

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Graham Sherwood

Thu 11th Jul 2024 09:39

I couldn't understand a word that the Scottish pundit was saying!!

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Greg Freeman

Thu 11th Jul 2024 09:25

Nice poetic punditry, RA. I thought that ITV's commentary last night was refreshingly better than the Beeb's. It's not just the politics, it seems. As for the game itself, the outcome really was the stuff of poetry.

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Stephen Gospage

Thu 11th Jul 2024 08:36

Brilliant, RA. I suppose that part of the problem is that football is a game of two halves (whoops, he's off again) of 45 minutes each but the coverage lasts three or four hours, so there's so much time to fill with pundits.

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