Am I Enough?

Today I didn’t go anywhere

I wallowed in the heat that strangled my home

Took a seat in the spot that I frequent and listened for the changing winds of time

They never arrived.

In fact it was more of the same

‘You Okay?’, ‘Im glad’

Empty words of intricate meaning

Convey both care and solace 

Who cares?

The rain didn’t arrive all the same.

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How long is too long before concern spreads like the cancerous disease that precursors worry and anxiety?

                A week? A day? TBD may be the answer -

                A close-up of her face will do. 4 inches by 4 inches, with a description that would inspire all to help me find her. Strawberry, 2%, Whole and Chocolate. As long as I get the message out.

           ...

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He has come again

Never welcome, never kind

The unwanted guest 

How I wish we weren’t intertwined 

Sometimes he gives notice

Sometimes, none at all 

The unwanted guest 

His shadow looms and curtains fall 

When he departs 

The darkness stays

The unwanted guest 

When will he free us from these chains

A friend to none

Yet known by all

The unwan...

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"To fly high" -  my dream, my creed,
To touch the skies with endless speed.
Since childhood I promised to rise,
To trace the clouds, to claim the skies.

The birds I cherished, graceful, free,
Now hold a different truth for me.
They fly with no true place to be,
Just motion framed by destiny.

But I, with maps and dreams so grand,
Now confused, unsure where I stand.
What if the path I’...

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The lights you seek are not these ones, these are mine

I shall explain more in time

As I have searched far and wide

Yet these are the most beaufitul I find

Unique, like tears in the snow

I share these lights with the Emporer, Leopard and Crabeater

With an hour of sunlight, there's nothing more sweeter

Than to sit and watch the carnival of light above

On my own, as the ...

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The word and I cannot coexist
I try to say it
I try to say it when it's late and i'm alone
When the only person who can hear me
Is me
But
It sticks in my throat
Turns my mouth to ash
Chokes me until tears stream
And the word is lost in my brain

So
I try to think it
I try to think it when the words fail
When I think that maybe if I can recignize it
Then it can't hurt me
Therapy...
...

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It's morning. 

The peace I had is suddenly gone.

Creeping into my head is the anxiety and sorrow I always have.

Why couldn't I have slept longer?

Why do I have to wake up?

The day is too long,

The minutes feel like hours

The hours feel like days 

The days feel like weeks.

I can't stop this feeling. 

Feeling of grief- w...

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I once had an older sister 

I once had an older cousin sister;

Used to come over for summer vacations

and other auspicious occasions,

many times I cried to make you stay

for little longer,

Now you're gone for ever;

To return never.

The fun we had at beaches and seashores,

Could I ever forget?

The laughter you had in arcades and photos;

Was it all a facade...

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Times takes about titans,

But short lived curtains

Curtails happiness;

Clothes that wouldn't dry,

Clouds and eyes that cry,

Wet lands that sigh,

Visible shivers that reply,

Trees and aspirations that lie,

fritters I fry,

With the tea I try,

Are you a random passerby?

Give me a heartfelt highfy(5),

No matter what I try

Your piece of mind; I couldn't buy

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I saw you my friend

Looking toward the sky

I thought you knew you, my friend

Things aren't supposed to die

Loner Bird

Why did you have to die?

Londer Bird

Why did you have to lie?

I saw you again

Sitting upon the edge

Of the same window cill

As the past thousand times

Loner Bird

Why did you have to die?

Londer Bird

Why did you have to lie...

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From the lover you'll never know

A note scribbled down in tears

sits atop a mound of colour

Trying to work out these forgotten fears

From a family torn and lost

Flowers that soon will rot

Your teddy sits upon the mound, arms wide open

Melting, muddy and forgotten

For the journey now cut short

With an ending some had thought

If only you could see things

How b...

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i want to be forgotten.

i want the last time

someone utters my name

to be on the first day

of spring.

i want the world to

get acquainted with

a life without my love

and then

i want it to cry

because

it really was

better with me in it

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I can't help but wonder, was it worth it?

Was your transient moment of pleasure worth making me feel like shit?

It seems to be a never-ending cycle of me losing my mind over you,

Your words display such innocence while your actions prove they're not true.

Defending, deflecting, giving every reason instead of the selfish thoughts in your head,

Unintentionally cementing my newfou...

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at times I find myself
with insight
into my third eye
the inward perception
of crystalline tears
holding onto emotions
looking for one thing

The truth

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My first time. 

It wasn’t special.

It was okay. 

That’s what I’m saying

everytime 

someone asks me.

I don’t want to say it 

it took me too long 

too long 

to realize.

You are the evil

your are the the beginning 

of me 

not feeling.

You raped me. 

I was young 

too young.

You were older 

but this 

this wasn’t very mature of you.

Not very de...

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I am covered in
bruises.
i love them because
they are proof
of all the times i fell...
in love.
i am covered in
scars.
i love them because
they are proof
of all the times i thought i fell...
in love
but something else was there to catch me.
i have scraped knees
from being dragged
thru life by my heart
because it moves
quicker
than my feet.

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I was ready made for grief.

to live an ode to a common thing,
     this elegy to peace.

and on the days that I feel nothing,
     I torment the stillness behind my eyes
because feeling is proof of living.
and I so badly want to be alive.
     to dig deep in the scar garden,
     to excavate my hollow pit,
     to sow a lifetime of memories
     of being just out of reach.

it is my...

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I've been in my feelings
and in my head for years.
I've built walls and
called them boundaries only
to wake up one day and realize
that I've boxed myself in

and that's the tragedy in it all;

in keeping myself safe
I've locked everything out.
and what a sad way to live,
peaceful and
picking my own muse 
to pieces until the only thing
left is
a bloody pile of 
everything I used to...

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i'm always the girl youre not sure about.
people have tried to make me
the girl you come back for.
but i want to be the girl
you never left.

and there are gaps in my happiness.
gaps in my teeth.
gaps in between breaths.
air, just...
slipping away.
fading away 
like colors on clothes
that have spent too much time
in the sun.

and what a funny way to say
theres always light in my l...

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i find myself texting you late at night

until you block me i’ll keep on coming back

wish i was only here out of spite

but in reality i need to talk to someone during my panic attack

i know it’s selfish to use you for reassurance 

however it’s the only thing that can soothe my racing mind

and i haven’t gotten enough money for insurance 

so i hope it doesn’t make you feel c...

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used to take things before going on walks

it’d be dark and cold

and i’d be underdressed

i couldn’t seem to withhold

i’d stumble around the neighborhood 

trees and leaves would move

even though there was no breeze

i couldn’t seem to mentally improve 

i grew more and more detached

would walk by a half way house everynight

i thought that perhaps that would one ...

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i know you’re disappointed in me

we always scream for hours and fight

until i decide to go out on a walk by the big oak tree

even though i can barely see the sidewalk at night

im starting to think that i can’t see in general anymore

i look in the mirror and see someone new

it’s like i’ve never seen her before

i wonder if you feel that way about me too

my therapist...

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Smells of wild garlic, bells of dark blue
Grasses in seed, blossoms of cherry
The garden alive, in the song of spring
We'll take it slow and let you limp round
It's hot today and sun warms your old bones
Sit on this carpet of green to enjoy
Flop on your side, old man, if you please
Not even seen, Robin, picking your fur
Postman arrival is not even heard
So you can take, that well warrante...

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Scuffing leaves on the ground

With no other soul anywhere around

Hands in my pocket, keeping warm

My feelings swell to an indignant storm

Life at home isn't quite right

The yelling and shouting gives me a fright

"Best apart" says my instinct

But it's not like me to kick up a stink

Night times leave me cold, fearful and small

Ear to the glass, glass to the floor

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Maybe not the healthiest thing 

But the healthiest I ever had

Such a prince charming you seemed, with

 your white van for a steed. Full of recovery 

stories and what seemed like integrity.  

Not perfect for sure, an anger problem and unnaturally, unwarranted high self esteem. Yet still better, more together and healthier 

than I had ever been.

So many nuggets of...

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you look at me like i'm insane

i can't tell if i am

if I turned out to be psychotic

would I even be this self-aware?

i put on obnoxious amounts of chapstick

cotton candy or strawberry-flavored

it severely drys out my lips

but I know you'll think of me when you see it at the store

I always attempt to blow up my life

just because you left me again

you run ever...

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To feel the love you never received;

To feel the affection that was given through grating words that come behind a “Im doing this because i care”,

To feel the sorry’s that were ‘paid’ to me, the gifts I had received to understand how ‘sorry’ you were after harming me, physically or verbally and if not, mentally.

‘I love you’; an affirmation of affection or deep caring, especially to ...

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we were close when i was little

you called me your sugar plum fairy

sat by my bed when my dreams were too scary

I didn't know then that our relationship was so brittle

you have mixed feelings about your own mother

maybe that's why you act the way you do

you rip me apart and then try to patch me up with glue

we both know you wouldn't ever do that to my brother

you ...

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didn't wake up with the intention of being bad

I don't know why there's a pit in my stomach when no one is dead

run around my house and verbally beat up my dad

the screams sound bloodshed

he says, "there's so much you wanna do" 

and i obvert my eyes

wait around for a mental break-through

and make unachievable plans doing the highs

i wanna be a savior

and get th...

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you told me i’d only fail

laugh at my hopes and dreams

you act as if i’m frail

there’s often reoccurring themes 

you know i’m not dumb 

it’s just that you don’t care

so don’t ask me for gum

and don’t you give me that stare

i don’t know how we ever got along 

we’re opposites like the moon and the sun

you probably think you’re the moon, but i think that you’re...

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I get a little tired of it - folks who seem to think

they must be happy all the time or else they’re on the brink

of some traumatic end, oh yes, like everything is bad

if once in a blue moon they have to deal with being sad.

It makes no sense to me at all. Just what do they expect?

They should be happy day and night and never get set back.

Well, I can’t grasp it, not at all....

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Location unknown

No flesh or meat on the bone

Bereft of all comforting thought

This isn't what I was taught

I once knew a place

Where I knew every face

Now cold and dark

No warmth and no spark

I travel around in the void

Wondering round like a lost boy

And although I am able

Fully trained yet maimed and unstable

A ghostly belonging

Of betrayal ...

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Man of my dreams

I wish it could be as it seems

Perfect in every way

each day

better than the last

But I know from the past

who you are 

and who I am

I am country

and you are city

I am 

campfires, picnics

and drivin-in movies

You are 

opera's, symphonies 

and trips to Europe

Each time you are near

I am engul...

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you are drowning

swim, I know you can

you don't realize

the water

it will kill you

it already has

for, why don't you scream?

fight

but your voice is lost

not even 

the bubbles

reach the surface

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I listen to these words
as I fall through the water
accumulating down below
I listen as you sing
your sad sad song
like falling up a waterfall
of emotion
falling in reverse
but always looping
 

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"i know how to walk from here to there" 

okay, i muse back, 

"so walk through fires with me, walk through" 

i cant. i never have been able to. 

the places that i walk from are the mouths of cavernous houses. 

and from them ive only just realised i can leave.

"i will give you wings and a heart and a lust for the finer things"

good, i need an incentive.

"but you must act upon...

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Hello again Mr. Ink,

It's been a long time and I'm kinda glad.

Everytime you come around is because things are bad.

I havn't felt the need to have you in my life.

But lately...

That desire has been back.

The need to write my feelings down. 

The need to cry as I type..

Funny how back then I worte with pen and paper with my tears runing down. 

Look at me now..

All grown...

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i've seen the smallest, tall creatures be eaten alive from the inside.

a quick glance to the left and under the bed will tell you all you need to know. 

the festering, rotten bed frame.

assembled by the very thing that chained me onto it for years.

but when i finally broke my own chords, vocal and the ones restraining,

another creature crawled from under the bed and took my place. 

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The worst decision of my life

How can I choose

So many options

Options which have only been limits

Only failures

What comes after

Where is the end

A light in the tunnel

A joke in the background

Surrender to nothingness

Dive into empty consciousness  

Swim among my dreams

Paddle with all my plans  

Everything which has been wasted

Among all my regrets

Al...

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Chains of Capture

Deepest darkest nightmares
But only if you knew
The lengths that I have taken
To hide away the truth
The scars are slowly fading
But the pain runs deep inside
Some say that I'm outspoken
But they don’t see the things I hide
The questions left unanswered
Constantly running through my head
The ‘what if’s’ again resurfaced
That I’d thought I’d put to bed
My demons is ...

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the lonely man at the window

the old man sits by the window

she left him here yesterday

said she would be back soon

he went to bed but could not sleep

has she stayed away on purpose?

next morning he arises again

to sit and wait even if it takes an eternity

he said he would wait

and that he did until his dying day

this morning at daybreak

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It’s hard to say goodbye to someone that you once loved with all your heart!

It’s hard to realize that the time has come to let go and move on.

To move forward and heal your broken heart,

To say goodbye….

Goodbye to all the love that once kept you alive,

Goodbye to the future and dreams you build together; to the life you had.

The pain is so sharp, your heart wants to hold on jus...

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Life is as tear drops of the morning.
When the sun throws its warm kiss
Away to the drop,
It becomes an invisible entity.
 

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My reflection through the glass just makes me walk pass,

No matter what I see it will never be worthy to me.

I can't stand the sight that makes my stomach tight,

I bite my lips and my eyes are teared up bright.

I fear that I no longer want to be here.

Why should I? When all I ever do is give up and sigh.

So please light, take me up high,

Up above the sky to a place w...

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We know it will kill us,

But we do it anyway.

Huddled together,

Like this.

In this place of ill repute.

The townsfolk think poorly of us.

But I am sure

Someone in here,

Has read Rimbaud.

Written poetry,

Dreamt of Dante.

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We murdered our dog today.

Or at least that’s how it feels.
We say it’s for the best.
We say he’s suffering.
But, it feels like a pointless death.

He ran into the vets office.
A Good Boy with cancer.
He tripped twice, bumping a wall,
and peed for the last time.

What did he think as he went inside?

Did he trust us to heal him?

Every day is a new day to a dog,
even when they su...

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28.09.21

It gets better, 

a friend once said

You’re not a bad person 

Shouldn’t wish you were dead 

Everyone is their own worst critic, 

He said to me 

And when he needs an ear, 

I listen intently 

We swap stories, 

One back and one forth 

Lighten the load, 

Keep each other on course

When friends are down 

I feel it too

When people are sa...

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 You messaged me 'Good Morning'.

My reply made me seem busy.

You are right, I was distorting.

Did I act silly?

I don't know,

what I did was right or wrong.

I had to show

since it had been long.

Time has changed,

so have the situations.

And I am perplexed

with my expectations.

I do love you

but don't know what to do.

It's been a whil...

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