this is nice and the reptition at the bottom of a couple of stanza's there really works, good stuff.
Comment is about I Thought White Was Beautiful (blog)
Original item by Lisa Milligan
Ann, couscous and petticoats is a wonderful opening line and hands tied gently, of course, is even better.
Comment is about le weekend (blog)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
Yes, I like this. Sweet, actually, rather than improper. It feels like the last line is rhyming with summat, but it isn't, unless you go right back to the second line.
Comment is about Old Flame (blog)
Original item by Tom
Hiya Tommy, I am admitting defeat over "obscenity of frogspawn" I will put in another word when I can think of one, it's been mentioned a few times and as such, in the spirit of accepting feedback it's gotta go....any ideas? (The winner will win an Easter Egg which I will eat for them.)
Thanks for commentingx
Comment is about Tommy Carroll (poet profile)
Original item by Tommy Carroll
I agree that the shift in viewpoint character jarrs slightly, and I found myself getting a bit caught on the thought: Can something crawl if it's limbless? But nevertheless - I always enjoy your writing, even if I don't always comment.
Cx
Comment is about Fireworks (blog)
Original item by Kealan Coady
Like the poem, but what really drew me in was your delivery of it. Great voice!
Cx
Comment is about For Dicks (blog)
Original item by Max Wallis
I like this one cos it touches on something so totally human and taboo. We all have that 'you' that we like to think about now and again LOL
Comment is about Old Flame (blog)
Original item by Tom
Cher FRANCINE. My school French served but I had to look up 'de pire en pire'. The answer to your query is almost certainly "dans le jardin, avec la plume da ma tante" - but it is very big garden. There is some background info (to Grand Mal) in my answer to Chris - hope you don't mind sharing. (:o)
Comment is about GRAND MAL (blog)
Original item by Barrie Singleton
Oh I think we are more or less on the same lines Chris. Your careful analyses always wecome. I think the second stanza is my favourite too. I like to play a trick or two. To do you (and Francine) justice, I should explain: the idea came from a conversation with a friend, following a Radio4 program about the 5-year-old brain and school. They spoke of MALLEABLE children and I suddenly realised the 'mal' is that of MALLET!!!!! All was then clear.
Regards.
Comment is about GRAND MAL (blog)
Original item by Barrie Singleton
Hello Andy, thanks for your kind words on First to Depart. It's not as personal as it might appear. There's much of me in there- particularly the obsessional behaviour!- but it's mostly about how my father mourned the loss of my mother, with a bit of Alan Bennett's Talking Heads thrown in.
Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)
Original item by Andy N
Hello Cynthia. Thanks for your kind words on First to Depart. It's empathic in as much as, though there's much of me in the poem, it's mostly about how my father may have mourned the death of my mother.
Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Dave, glad you liked First to Depart.Thanks for the kind words.
Comment is about Dave Carr (poet profile)
Original item by Dave Carr
Greg, thanks for your kind words on First to Depart. It's my favourite poem and I do like that last verse a lot. Let's not mention the football.
Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)
Original item by Greg Freeman
John, thanks for your comments on First to Depart.Glad you liked it.
Comment is about John Darwin (poet profile)
Original item by John Darwin
Ann, thanks for your kind words on First to Depart. Appreciated,.
Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
bit of a change in tone for you there, kathryn... was nice to see something totally different (from what i have read off yours).. perhaps the last line is a bit tellie but it's the way i would have gone with it..
keep em flowing! would like to see more following on from this..
Comment is about Bluebell Wood (blog)
Hi Dave - glad you liked my war poem, it's not easy writing about domestic violence without making it clichéd - so I decided to ...erm... make it clichéd! I don't often rhyme these days - it often feels forced to me. I love Papa Oscar Echo Mike - nothing forced about that...very clever!
Cx
Comment is about Dave Carr (poet profile)
Original item by Dave Carr
i think cynthia raises a interesting point here, kealan.. i too would be interested to see how this would play out done in second person if not in this poem perhaps a sequal..
either way, i did enjoy this with a great ending.. keep em coming!
Comment is about Fireworks (blog)
Original item by Kealan Coady
touching poem, ray... surprised in some ways you posted it as poems that appear as personal as that i would have never dreamed of posting on it..
first rate stuff, m8..
Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)
Beautiful stuff Kealan. You must get to read your stuff soon. Please.
John
Comment is about The Linguist. (blog)
Original item by Kealan Coady
Very thought provoking and unfortunately true...
Je vois ce que ça fait le 'Grand Mal' tous les jours à l'école et à l'université...
C'est un désastre, et ça devient de pire en pire, mais quelle est la solution ?
Comment is about GRAND MAL (blog)
Original item by Barrie Singleton
Dear Dermot,
Well, it was written in the stars...
And I do appreciate your well thought-out advice.
I am not a violent person, however I do have a way
of getting my point across...
Hmmm...
Perhaps I could act this scene out... in a most playful way ; )
Comment is about Dear Dermot (article)
<Deleted User> (5591)
Mon 29th Mar 2010 23:55
Dear Francine, What a beautiful sentiment - such as could almost rekindle similar in even the most cynical and unyielding of souls. But, luckily I got over it and put aside such nonsense for good old-fashioned hard-nosed pragmatism. I'd go out and hunt down the cheeky devil and frog march this individual back to the scene of this alleged withdrawal and demand recompense; possibly at gunpoint.Yes, it's not often that people come to me for advice on their love lives, but always happy to lend practical advice and handcuffs and a police issue taser.
Comment is about Dear Dermot (article)
Good on you poetry needs your verve !
Comment is about Luke Wright (poet profile)
Original item by Luke Wright
Are you the omniscient writer in this? Maybe it should be second person voice entirely.
In my opinion, it is a strong idea, perhaps needing a strong hand to make it tighter, with culling and more precise diction. Great word play on the title Fireworks.
Comment is about Fireworks (blog)
Original item by Kealan Coady
The beautiful slow thoughts of many quiet moments brought into words as though talking to the dearest friend of your life, and written with grace and elegance.
I presume this is a marvellous talent for empathy, a true poet's gift.
Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)
<Deleted User> (7212)
Mon 29th Mar 2010 20:57
hi - "the beauty queen" - many thanks. B
Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)
Original item by Ann Foxglove
This is such a sad and moving poem. It almost feels like an intrusion to read it.
Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)
Beautiful poem Ray, very moving.
Cx
Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)
This is a fine, fine poem, Ray. The last stanza in particular takes the breath away. I wanted to quote individual lines from it, but realised that was impossible. Each line of that last verse could form the substance of a poem in its own right. Greg
Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)
Painfully poignant. A gorgeous flow between great warmth and regret at the passing of the time.thanks John
Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)
I just had to log in to say what a wonderful sensitive and moving poem this is. So touching.
Comment is about The First to Depart (blog)
<Deleted User> (7073)
Mon 29th Mar 2010 14:32
OK Rachel you are on, but as you are an obvious trouble maker and are probably dead hard, I will only fight you if you agree to have both hands tied behind your back and your feet tied together ha ha.......
TC
Comment is about Beautiful Minds (blog)
Original item by Isobel
Hi Phil
Keep writing haiku! It's an often repeated mistake down the years that haiku are a fixed number of syllables.
Alan
================
Tips about writing a Haiku
================
It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.
If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.
Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)
Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.
Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.
cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud
Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999
'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.
Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.
allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books
Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007
So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.
Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.
I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happened. e.g.
a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly
Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997
'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.
Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.
Good luck!
Alan
With Words:
www.withwords.org.uk/what.html
Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com
.
Comment is about High Haiku (blog)
Original item by Phil Golding
Hi!
Have you written any more haiku?
all my best,
Alan
www.withwords.org.uk
http://area17.blogspot.com
.
Comment is about Haiku (blog)
Original item by Belinda
I'm really chuffed about your comments on Semana Santa, Isobel. We were there for a week in a small town halfway between Granada and Seville, where my daughter was teaching at a little English language school. The way the atmosphere builds during the week; we saw it in Seville as well as Osuna. And as for the hoods ... you're right about the Klu Klux Klan .. slightly alarming, to say the least! Greg
Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)
Original item by Isobel
I wouldn't call this a senryu, it's quite clearly a haiku.
I would reduce the amount of capital letters, and consider reducing the amount of adjectives and adverbs e.g.
paper-wrapped chips,
I sit on a beacon bench
while the sun sets
I love paper-wrapped chips, it's so evocative, good subject choice! ;-)
Alan
==========================
Tips about writing a Haiku
==========================
It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.
If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.
Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)
Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.
Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.
cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud
Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999
'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. 'Cool' is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.
Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.
allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books
Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007
So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.
Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.
I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.
a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly
Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997
'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.
Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.
Good luck!
Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html
Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com
.
Comment is about (blog)
<Deleted User> (7164)
Mon 29th Mar 2010 12:41
Hi Andy, thanks for your comment on 'In fidelity.' I posted a comment of my own below the poem. It is a cultural poem.
x
Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)
Original item by Andy N
<Deleted User> (7164)
Mon 29th Mar 2010 12:39
Hi Isobel,
thanks for your comment on In fidelity.
I added a comment of my own below the poem if you're interested to have a gander. :-)
xx
Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)
Original item by Isobel
Hi Kathryn,
You were quite right to try something away from the "perceived" form of haiku (see below on tips).
Haiku don't tend to have titles, or even head notes, and punctuation is kept to a minimum.
Hope you write some more! ;-)
Alan
Tips about writing a Haiku
It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.
If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.
Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)
Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.
Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.
cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud
Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999
'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.
Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.
allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books
Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007
So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.
Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.
I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.
a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly
Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997
'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.
Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.
Good luck!
Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html
Alan's Events Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com
.
Comment is about Waiting. (blog)
Tips about writing a Haiku
It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.
If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.
Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)
Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.
Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.
cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud
Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN
1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999
'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or
season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.
Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day
e.g.
allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books
Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007
So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's
your one line finished.
Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.
I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's
also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.
a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly
Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South
Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997
'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city
farm.
Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.
Good luck!
Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html
Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com
Comment is about voicemail and limes (blog)
Original item by Alan Summers
Tips about writing a Haiku
It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.
If you do write them that way always make sure your writing is natural.
Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)
Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter which order.
Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.
cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud
Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999
'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.
Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.
allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books
Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007
So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.
Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.
I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.
a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly
Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997
'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.
Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.
Good luck!
Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html
Comment is about 2nd Day (blog)
Original item by Steven Kenny
Hi Andy, thanks very much for reading and commenting on my poem,glad you liked it.
x
Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)
Original item by Andy N
Liked this a lot, Rachel. "a scrape, a scuff of ill planned heel on rock" and "But for the ticking of a pipit" two of several good lines. Why an obscenity of frogspawn?If I were to be critical, I'd say the punctuation and line breaks are a bit erratic. Lovely poem, nonetheless.
Comment is about Up The Tops (blog)
Original item by Rachel McGladdery
Hi Greg As ever thanks for the comments. I'm a lapsed Catholic myself and I think YouTube is about as close to the 'afterlife' we're ever likely to get! It is pretty amazing and if I wasn't always so busy I'm sure I could spend hours on it. I've wanted to do one on the Wolf Man for ages, but it only recently came together. I also quite fancy doing one on Muddy Waters and another on John Lee Hooker - a kind of holy trinity of the Chicago Blues. At the moment, though, I don't really have any angles to proceed on.
Comment is about Greg Freeman (poet profile)
Original item by Greg Freeman
some good lines in this, steven..my favourite in this is the first line of the 1st stanza and the 3rd stanza..
Comment is about Cracks (blog)
Original item by Steven Kenny
good stuff, rachel. really enjoyed this... nicely judged
Comment is about Up The Tops (blog)
Original item by Rachel McGladdery
kealan coady
Tue 30th Mar 2010 14:50
you have put the spotlight on all our deep seated envy, be it subconsous or not, there is a place in every human being that wants another to fail, maybe its a throwback to the caveman days wen competition was the only way to survive. the need to prevail with pride is an ancient genetic defect that we should all try overcome.
Comment is about Greavsie and Me (blog)
Original item by John Coopey