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John Aikman

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 22:22

And I would add 'listen to Isobel'. She's the only voice of reason on here and offers wise counsel...

Good to have you on board.

:)

Jx

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Neil Fawcett

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 21:53

Cheers Laura. My dog died on Saturday, gutted.

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Isobel

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 21:35

Thanks for taking a peek at my poetry. You like the funny stuff. I do too - wish I could write more of it :)

I enjoyed reading yours. It's definitely the kind of poetry you have to think about deeply.

The only advice I would give you is to keep writing and also reading the work of others. The more you read the more you absorb and the more your own style develops. People tend to comment more on your work if you blog it - also if you comment on their work - though that isn't always guaranteed.

I'm glad you seem to be enjoying WOL.

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tony sheridan

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 20:26

Hi Katy. Thanks for your comments on The Last Bus Home. Two people who see each other. Same time, same bus. Both insecure? Take care, Tony.

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Julian (Admin)

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 19:52

it has the makings of a good 'un. I'd drop the conjunctions, to tighten it, especially all those <as>.

I agree about finishing on penultimate verse, and you could try ending on the word <supper>.

Brows do seem doomed to be forever furrowed.

Comment is about FISHING FOR THOUGHTS (blog)

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tony sheridan

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 19:45

Keep on laying the truth down! Love it! Take care, Tony.

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tony sheridan

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 19:42

WOW! Take care, Tony.

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tony sheridan

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 19:40

Love this. Take care, Tony.

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Julian (Admin)

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 19:31

Wow, I like this, Ann. Great voice you have. Shades of Cleo Laine. It just needs a bit of arranging for clarinet and this could be the star of our Poetry Jam at next year's Marsden Jazz Festival. Love it.
Verse two, I suggest you remove the apostrophe from <its>. Can't help it, sorry.
Oh, and, it's always autobiographical. :-)

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John Coopey

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 19:29

I'm afraid so much poetry seems to descend to the "worthy" and the rant.
Keep the faith, MC.

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Shirley Smothers

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 18:46

Hi M.C.
Your poem "NIGHTMARE DEPARTURE"
is creepy. It's poems like this
that inspired me to write my,
"The Creepy Old House" poem.

See you in nightmares!

Shirley

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Jade

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 17:32

I like your stuff, Ann. And you have a nice voice - I liked 'the season's over'. Evocative stuff.

Jade x

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Jade

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 17:19

I agree with the other comments - should be angrier - might be more powerful (it's already quite powerful!)

Also the Chorus would sound better - more scared and alone if it was contrasted with angrier verses.

Comment is about I've Cried Enough For You (blog)

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Isobel

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 17:18

I think I've enjoyed the comments on this as much as the poem. And is it a poem? By your own definitions John, it would probably be a piece of prose - a piece of thought. I liked it whatever it is :)

I don't think Anthony is suggesting that we are like animals when he talks about the hive mind - merely that we are interdependent, and socially aware of that. The conscience used to be instilled by religion 'thou shalt not' and all that... now we rely heavily on parenting, which comes of course from what was instilled in our parents. Perhaps that accounts for why law and order is breaking down at times - there is a dilution of rules.

I've always associated karma with the actions of the individual having a knock on effect - rather than actions of others - that your misdeeds will come back to haunt you in some way. It would be great to think people might their comeuppance somewhere along the line - Jimmy Saville for one.

I was surprised to hear that you gob your chewing gum out of the car window John? For me good karma would be, if whilst doing that, someone gobbed theirs right through yours:) Please tell me you aren't one of those men who creep round at night letting their dogs shit all over the pavements and leaving it behind...

Great topic for a poem - now get it up in discussion, we could thrash this one around for ages :)

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Jade

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 17:15

Hello Tom,

I've just looked on your To Marianne website - you have some lovely work there - particularly like your drawings. You can look at my poetry if you want, but it's a bit embarrassing compared to yours. Also could you send me the rest of your '30 Das of November', I was enjoying it.

Jade x

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Shirley Smothers

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 17:15

Wow M.C.
That is eery. The perfect poem for Halloween.
It's poems like this that inspire me to write poems like my, "The Creepy Old House".
See you in the nightmares.

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Hazel

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 15:46

Thanks for commenting on War of Words Laura.
Enjoying them at the moment.

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Mikhail Smith

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 15:24

wish I'd thought of this title, like the repetition of the line, can almost hear the voice.

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M.C. Newberry

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 15:16

Hi Texas...
have you ever fought yourself awake from a bad
dream? if so, you might identify with my poem
which was posted some while ago. Here it is for you.
NIGHTMARE DEPARTURE
As we come at last to death,
Short of time and short of breath,
Is going quietly what it seems?
Do we depart to nightmare dreams

From which in life we would awaken,
Shivering, sweating, badly shaken?
Could it be as we meet death
We dream of dying from want of breath?

And what is worse - that in the taking
How hard we try there's no awaking!
..........................................
Hope this doesn't give your sleepless nights!!
:-)

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Ann Foxglove

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 14:57

I haven't read it tho I did try - it was my dad's fave book but he had a copy where the paper is practically transparent and the print is really tiny so I gave up! As far as I remember it was an autobiography that started practically in the womb - written as if he remembered everything. I really like your poems btw - hope you get more feedback. One way (if you want feedback of course!) to get to know people on here is to comment on other people's stuff. But it's up to you of course.

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Mikhail Smith

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 14:52

thank you, don't know Tristram Shandy, will have to 'google' or visit the, what did they call them ? LIBRARY !


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Laura Taylor

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 14:41

Mmmm...another great poem Hazel. I think experimenting with this form has been really good for you. Have you tried any other forms? I use haiku sometimes to break me out of the endless patterns of rhythms I fall into.

Keep at it - you're producing some really good work lately :)

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Laura Taylor

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 14:38

Yeh, I like the contemplative nature of it too.

Few comments:

Is there a reason why you start all of your lines with a capital letter? I was asked this by a certain Ray Miller once upon a time, and I replied that I liked how it looked, but then after a while, I realised that it messed with the reader's understanding, that a capital letter indicates the start of a line. Worth having a think on that.

Also - is that a typo, with the double 'you' in the 3rd line, 1st verse?

I'm not entirely sure you need that last verse - I think the poem would suffice without that.

Cheers Mike - enjoyable read

Comment is about FISHING FOR THOUGHTS (blog)

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M.C. Newberry

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 14:18

Do infants have a conscience? There's scant evidence of that in their behaviour. So, it seems to be something we develop as we grow -inwardly and outwardly...a recognition that we must interact for common benefit against the otherwise destructive forces - again from within and without - that threaten. The "couldn't care less" attitude is part of that threat to our collective well-being, despite it being admired guiltily in individual instances - perhaps a throwback to that time when man was a lonely hunter and relied upon himself more than now. "Conscience doth make cowards of us all" wrote the Bard. Discuss!

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Mikhail Smith

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 13:50

howdo .. enjoyed your videos and pics on website .. very good ..

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Dave Bradley

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 13:46

Thanks for commenting on Days, John. Yes, the change in rhythm was deliberate. It seems to work when spoken - perhaps not on the page. And another yes - the song is a favourite.

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Jade

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 13:38

Hi John,

Very interesting - I'm currently doing a bit of Buddhism, reading about it, meditating etc.

The point of Buddhism,to me, is that we should try to accept all the shit that happens to us - the point being that an accepting conscience is a happy conscience. Instead of whinging all the time (which reminds me of your excellent 'Whinge, Whinge, Fucking Whinge', John) rising above things might be more appealing.

I don't think Karma is about 'divine retribution' - Buddhism hasn't got a vengeful word in its lexicon. From my understanding its more about how bad things affect us/ accumulate on us - e.g. that bus driver who splashed you was probably having an awful day - just been sacked, his wife is cheating on him etc. all the negative karma was building up in him so he released a bit of it on you John in the form of splashing. So probably we should be feeling sorry for him.

But, I liked the reading - very Alan Bennett!

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Tom

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 13:23

Wow, Ally. That's great! So glad to see you posting again too. It reminded me of the Kath Bloom song The Breeze/My Baby Cries, don't know if you've heard it?

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Jade

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 13:02

God, yeah I should re-phrase, maybe to 'I'm an agnostic poet: not sure what a poet is but I don't think I am one!'

Yeah, it smelt a bit fusty in there (no offence to anyone)!

Your poetry is very readable Isobel, wish I could write like that - I liked 'Beautiful Minds' and loved your reading of 'Chlamydia' - made me laugh.

Jade x

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<Deleted User> (6895)

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 11:32

Begging two pardons
for being late in thanking you Lynn
for the Colin appreciated poem-
'Clickety clack'

Thank you..(S.W)x
Thank you..(P.W.)x

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<Deleted User> (6895)

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 11:20

Although we partly agree with S.V.
(no rhyme intended)
this poem still works nicely on the whole
according to our 'umblest of opinions.

Best regards to you Mikey.xx

Comment is about FISHING FOR THOUGHTS (blog)

Original item by Mike Hilton

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chris stevenson

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 09:12

Hi Ann, thanks..(don't really want to encourage winter/snow) .. enjoyed your song, will bring my guitar!


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Isobel

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 07:57

'Not really a poet'? Ha, try defining that word and you are back to the Red Wheelbarrow thread :)

Welcome to WOL, Jade! I'm glad that you plucked up the courage to join and that you have already taken part in discussion - we need fresh blood in there!

Isobel x

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Chris Co

Tue 23rd Oct 2012 01:31

Have a lovely time up there - see you on your return.

Best

Chris

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John Coopey

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 23:24

I can feel the wind, Dave.
I assume you broke up the rhythm deliberately in the second verse (or perhaps I'm not reading it right). In any event it's a cracking picture you paint.
("Thankyou for the days....")

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Ray Miller

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 20:42

Nice and contemplative. I like the mill pond glaze. I think I'd prefer it without the little rhymes bobbing up every now and again.
This one seems to be there for the rhyme only

But you don't respond

Comment is about FISHING FOR THOUGHTS (blog)

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tony sheridan

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 20:07

Love this! Nice one Katy. Take care, Tony.

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tony sheridan

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 20:04

WOW!! Take care, Tony.

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Julian (Admin)

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 19:58

Thank you all for the comments. photos here: http://www.writeoutloud.net/public/galleries.php?&message=#_gallerydate2012-10_gallerytag_gallerypage1

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Tommy Carroll

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 19:55

Katy -''Bloody Valentine''-I wrote a forward and an afterword and both hide between the leaves of my thinking.

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Graham Sherwood

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 18:35

Poetic license I'm afraid Ann. They were actually for sale from an honesty box near a shop

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Katy Megan Hughes

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 18:14

I think I do need to re-write this one! Its not coming across as it should...

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Lynn Dye

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 17:14

Hahaha, Love it!!

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Poets Corner

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 16:18

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Nigel Astell

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 16:18

Greg has updated the news story to say we oppose the cut backs and are asking all members to back this protest with us!

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Nigel Astell

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 15:59

Upon pale virgin skin
Cold ghost passes through.

The phantom of a
Strenuous marriage gone wrong.

New love enters you
He whispers please forget.

Poisonous pleasure bond together
Fuck all night long.

Comment is about The Cottage (blog)

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 15:10

Nice :)

Comment is about I've Cried Enough For You (blog)

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 15:04

Nice rythmn and story telling. Enjoyed - thank you.

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 14:55

Enjoyed! Thanks!

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Ann Foxglove

Mon 22nd Oct 2012 14:55

Very Tristram Shandy-ish. :)

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