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Ste J Bee

Updated: Thu, 2 Nov 2017 10:23 am

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Been in bands from school days up until around 2005, playing rhythm guitar or bass and vocals. Still interested in music and song writing. Wrote all songs on the last band I was in for both of our albums. Most of the poetry I write is quite simple and I do like some humour in there somewhere.


This dog This dog was beaten till he couldn’t feel This dog was scared to come to heel This dog had forgotten how to wag his tail This dog was rescued, starved and frail This dog now lives in a loving home This dog is spoiled with butchers bones This dog sits and begs and he says please This dog is happy to fetch his lead This dog has now got cats to chase This dog licks his owners face This dog is a grateful, pampered pet This dog still hates the bastard vet! Ste J Bee LITTLE BEN Little Bens alarm rang six o'clock Time, so he thought, for the man to get up He put on his clothes and cleaned his teeth Washed his face and brewed his tea Sat down for a minute and rubbed his eyes The clock downstairs was reading five Cursing and grumbling, was overheard As he creaked his way, back upstairs He grabbed little Ben, the air was blue Now the clock was saying two He shaked and swore, little Ben went numb His little hands, were finger and thumb His cogs and gears were all confused It wasn't nice to be abused His hands dropped down to half past six In silence there's no tocks or ticks The man couldn't trust this clock again And time ran out for little Ben And grumpy man, still half asleep threw little Ben out on the street Left in the gutter, unwound, berated His little face illuminated Then...within an hour, a passing pup Barked to his owner, to pick Ben up The ticks and tocks began to run And the puppy's owner took Ben home He thought the sound would be fantastic When placed inside the young pups basket And when the pup slept in the dark The pup dreamt of his mothers heart Little Ben just ticked and tocked Until the puppy nodded off No time was needed on the clock All he did was tick and tock And the rhythm of his clockwork power Was little Bens finest hour Ste J Bee Two Seagulls Flying Two seagulls flying, flew down to the beach They ate fish and chips from the chippy Then after that, they tried some ice cream A choc-ice and some Mr Whippy They flew down again the very next day This time they ate Pizza and Pastie They were too stuffed to fly so they both hitched a ride On the roof of a slow passing taxi All this went on for three weeks or more Stealing food from the holiday makers The more that they ate the slower they flew And they were caught at the door of the bakers Soon Seagull pie was the talk of St Ives And the Baker was on to a winner Folks on day trips, would have cheesy chips Seagull pie and some peas for their dinner. Seagulls Be Warned! Ste J Bee TwoTrees Two trees standing in the woods Reading last night’s paper, An advertisement said auditions welcome, For a part at the local theatre The play was a chilling drama Set in a cottage in the woods, There must be parts for us they thought, Young actors just in bud But there were many others there For the role of talking trees Two soap stars who once had a hit Reaching number thirty three Action, then came the command And all on stage were trees, Swaying gently in the wind With creaking knotty knees The soap stars stood & moaned & groaned, Rooted to the spot, The trees just rustled their autumn leaves While others lost the plot A voice then said, “we’ll let you know”, “But could the soap stars stay behind please” Then they were cast, above all others, For being more wooden than the trees. Ste J Bee THE SEAGULLS ARE WATCHING The Seagulls are watching They know what you eat They’ll mug you for something To shove down their beak They like a nice pastie They’ll steal from your lips They’ll dive bomb and swoop And nick all your chips Relaxing in sunshine A holiday dream Then they’ll feather and flap you And splat your ice cream Watch out as you walk Down the streets of St Ives For those Peregrine Falcons In Seagull disguise Ste J Bee I'M A RIGHT SOFTY ME I'm a right softy me, I long to write something cutting Something head butting But it comes out like puppies, teddy bears or bubbles If only I had some attitude I could say something really rude Like..erm..Bollocks, Oops sorry, Just slipped out I don't swear much, me Well, I do in my head, In my head, I've got clout..... I don't eff and blind Well, not all the time But I'll speak from the gut When it all goes tits up Oops Sorry............... I love to read the edgy stuff Where the grit and shit's intended I want to fit in twat and fuck Sorry... don't read that line, if easily offended Ste J Bee Great Expectations Great expectations To Will and Kate a son Camera lenses pointing A taste of what's to come It's hard to hide this baby Away from prying eyes They said he's big, they said he's large But George he Is King size Ste J Bee What do you eat? I eat carrots, I Eat turnips, cauliflower, lettuce leaves I eat sweetcorn, I eat parsnips, I eat sprouts and I eat peas I eat mange tout, three, four, five, six and seven Throw in four tomatoes and that makes eleven I eat apples and bananas, grapes and pears Seeds in seedless tangerines make me bloody swear I eat gooseberries and raspberries, lemons and limes I eat rhubarb and peaches, kiwis, clementines I eat Aduki beans, baked beans, kidney beans tinned Butter beans and soya beans, gotta kite, got wind I eat gloopy, bloopybelly beans, straight from a tin Broad beans and narrow beans, I race runner beans and win I eat V shepherds pie, V bacon, V thinly sliced ham V turkey, V sausages, I wish they made V spam I eat V hotdogs, V burgers, V spaghetti bolognese V curry and V chile, V fish fingers on Fridays I eat the heart of a cabbage, potato eyes from spuds I eat ears of corn and the skin on rice puds Cabbage heads, pineapple heads, I kiss and I embrace But I don't eat anything that once had a face. Ste J Bee OUR SCHOOL WAS HAUNTED Our school was haunted on this Halloween All you could hear was moaning and screams The chairs started groaning, The floor was all sticky The slime on the windows was squashy and squishy The bats and the cats were cooking with witches And casting a spell of chickenpox itches The eyelash of spider and toenails of newt Frogspawn and toadstools made Halloween soup Brussel sprout pizza with squeezed spots for dinner Human snot custard and a slug that’s a swimmer Our school was haunted on this Halloween All those around you were not what they seemed Possessed by witches, the teachers were flying They’d boil you for breakfast, unless you want frying Our school was haunted on this Halloween I ate my school dinner and then I turned green Ste J Bee Murder, Death, Bones and Blood ””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””” Murder, death, bones and blood Rotting corpses walking Vampires, witches, ghouls and ghosts tormented Spirits talking Operations and autopsies Severed heads and limbs darker twisted horror stories To rival Stephen King Cuts and stitches, pain and screams Dead bodies and mortuaries so cooool! This is what we talk about on the bus to school. Ste J Bee Sleeplessness Blues Another day over, I've done all my doin' No problems or worries for my brain to be chewin' Then bed starts to beckon, I'm sleepy, I'm yawning I'll give it big Zzzzeds, but then without warning I just can't shut down, the gears start to grind Theres bings and googles, bingoogling my mind Thoughts start to muster and add to the clutter Hear every heartbeat, was that a flutter Did I set the alarm...maybe...I think so Ohhh! Cramp's creepin' into my left leg and big toe. Try counting backwards ninety seven, ninety six Can't reach my back where it's started to itch I should take a course in the art of relaxing. Did I set the alarm, mmm.....the car needs waxing Yoga, Pilates, there's fluff in my navel I've always fancied an inversion table Strapped upside down, a quick rush of blood reaches parts of my head, that's not made of wood The alphabet backwards, that's what I'll do Z.........y..........x............w............v..............u...?.. Im sure someone borrowed my circular saw I need it this weekend, can't remember what for That auction on ebay, for the red fender strat I'll check it tomorrow, don't want to miss that Hmm....ear worm ...feel it in my fingers, feel it in my toes. Enter violins and the stab scene in Psycho.... Breaking news, the onions are warning They say that they'll keep me awake until morning Can't get to sleep, it's gone half past three I'll go to the bathroom for just one more pee I've flicked off the switch, took out the fuse But I just can't turn off, these sleeplessness blues. Ste J Bee See Sea A donkey ride and ice cream kicks A stick of rock and lick your lips Now I'll scoff a bag of chips As high time tide begins to rip Life's moans and troubles may undo From a clifftop lighthouse view It rains quite often when I'm there But I see sea so I don't care I bedeck myself in a chair And swallow gulps of salty air And candy floss is tempting fare For a lonely seagulls hungry stare Once you've been you need some more To see the shore just to make sure Your eyes and ears are soaked and steeped With memories all stored to keep In your shorts and plastic mac You wave farewell, the sea waves back. Ste J Bee

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.

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John Coopey

Thu 31st Oct 2013 22:06

Hello Ste,
Glad you liked Ikea. No need to try to sing along - the audio sample is yours truly crucifying it.

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Simon Marks

Fri 5th Jul 2013 01:36

Many thanks for the kind comments, Steve but I think you do your work a mild disservice. If it's simple words, then they are effective words. Far better than flannel, of which I can be very guilty. Keep up the great work.

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Simon Marks

Mon 27th May 2013 16:41

Great finishing line, Steve. Love twists and turns. Little Ben is great too.

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Ann Foxglove

Thu 7th Jun 2012 08:58

Hi Steve - I like your poem - I'm thinking of getting a rescue dog. Welcome to WOL. Look forward to reading more of your stuff. RE performing, it can be great fun. Maybe if you look in WOL's gig guide you might find an open mic event near you and go along.

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