Wearily
I feather into sleep
wooing my mind’s machinery
to cease its incessant whir.
I winnow down
to that senseless plunge
over the abyss
into oblivion.
With my dying breath
I consider
the sea of sleep
submarine depth
of other consciousness
the endless brain
free to navigate hidden channels
lacunas of slippery Truth.
I dream
and simultaneously
my dreams
both bind and set me free.
Such is Mystery.
Cynthia Buell Thomas
greatly altered and finally finished, October, 2013
My own previous comment aside - I agree with K.E-D
about dropping the "is" in the last line as posted
- leaving the lingering sense of - er, yes.... mystery.
darren thomas
Sun 3rd Nov 2013 19:16
Hi Cynthia
I enjoyed this. I agree with MCN about the last line. I think there is already a sense of enigma before you get to that final line. Reinforced by -
"free to navigate hidden channels
lacunas of slippery Truth".
I re-read it too without the personal pronouns and the piece appears to be able to accommodate it - and now I'm not so sure about that last line!
Such is Mystery, indeed!!
Kenneth Eaton-Dykes
Sun 3rd Nov 2013 15:57
Hi Cynthia
How about dropping "is" in the last line and for mystery, mysteries. A happy compromise. last line reduced to 50% of the original.
I also like slumbering brain without the "the" as opposed to "endless"
Thanks for the encouraging comments. I am indebted. 'mad' was certainly OTT, even tripping up the rhythm. 'winnowing' can be used poetically meaning 'to stir the hair' as in a breeze, or the 'slow beating of wings' (which I sang as a child about 'angel wings winnowing the air', an imaginative idea I enjoyed back then.)
Also, the last line was much too intrusive in signposting interpretation. I had considered 'Mystery' and I do like it. Next week I may still scrap the final line completely.
I think I've been reading too many Romantics lately - they can become addictive - a bit like 'angels' maybe. I mock nothing. Substance can be embodied in any kind of 'figure' to approach enlightenment.
The last line seems superfluous with such a
strong image in the preceding words. If any
other ending is sought then a couple of lines
came to my own mind:
"A prisoner yet at liberty
When sleep holds the key"
Regards...
MC
Sorry I forgot to critique the whole thing.
I don't like the alliteration in L3 Mind's machinery is fine on its own.
Winnow seems the wrong word for what you are suggesting here too.
regards, as always
Graham
Cynthia, the answer is in the title. What's wrong with the "wonder of sleep"?
<Deleted User> (9882)
Fri 1st Nov 2013 23:23
Cynthia,regarding the last line.
I agree with your 'not to use at all.'
As usual,another sample of real poetry.x
Kenneth Eaton-Dykes
Fri 1st Nov 2013 15:43
Hi Cynthia
I think the end is fine,
It's the "me" after bind that could be done without. (or maybe "mystery" replacing wonder)
Either way very nice.
KED
Any strong opinions about the final line? I am very ambivalent about it: whether to use or not to use at all. Comments on any part are welcome, but I'm really keen about feedback on that last line.
If you wish to post a comment you must login.
This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.
Cynthia Buell Thomas
Tue 5th Nov 2013 12:07
Darren, I had never considered that - dropping the pronoun - divorcing the personal. I quite like it. Let me think.