Poetry Blog by kJ Walker

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kJ Walker on The Ghost Of Our Old Granny (Fri, 5 Jul 2019 10:25 pm)

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Vautaw on Scared Of Spiders (Sun, 16 Jun 2019 04:17 am)

The Ghost Of Our Old Granny

 

The Ghost Of Our Old Granny

 

Well… the funeral went off without cause for concern

And the vicar did well in his roll

He paid Our Old Granny a lot of respect

Before bunging her down in the hole

 

And then afterwards at the funeral wake

Nothing but kind words were said

So why then has she’s come back to haunt us

Why has she come back from the dead

 

It was ...

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Scared Of Spiders

 

 

Scared of Spiders

 

He cracks walnuts with his eyelids

Bends girders with his ears

He’s the man who can fight twenty men

After drinking twenty beers

He eats racehorses whole

Plus their saddles, and their riders

He ain’t afeared of any man

But still he’s scared of spiders

 

 

He’s got a tattoo of a dragon

To show how tough he is

He’s got muscles i...

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The Lad With A Magpie Perched On His Head

 

 

The Lad With The Magpie, Perched on his head

 

Among the great unwashed, and the great unfed

There’s a lad who’s strange, it must be said

He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed

He’s the lad with the magpie, perched on his head

 

He’d scragged an egg from a nest in the hedge

Hatched a chick in a box on a ledge

With parental pride he’d watched it fledge

Kept i...

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Fred Floppit Tries To Save His Reputation (and a pram)... A Repost

 

Fred Floppit tries to save his reputation (and a pram)

 

 

When the Shrapnel girls got Kalling

They put the world to rights

With philosophy and politics

And talking bloody shite

 

Around a pram, atop Cesspit hill

They whiled the hours away

With idle gossip, and chit-chat

To pass the time of day

 

Thora Shrapnel was holding court

With her sister, and h...

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A Body In The Don

 

 

 

A Body In The Don

 

The cop-shop in Grimstone was eerily quiet

There was only one stabbin’ that night

And no-one got mugged, for ten minutes or more

So the coppers had no-one to fight

 

It was a tedious job, when nowt much happened

They sat about kallin’, and gabbin’

Sergeant Pike said “Stick t’kettle on, we’ll have one more brew”

“Before we investigate...

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The Annual Talent Show (Down At The Feathers)

 

 

The Annual Talent Show (Down At The Feathers)

 

It was heaving that night in the Feathers

The landlord had played his old trick

He’d a ton of pork scratchings, that’d gone out-of-date

So needed to shift ‘em….. and quick

 

So he called it his annual talent show

Punters travelled from miles around

And he sold off his scratchings at threepence a bag

Or all you ...

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Fred and Bullfrog Floppit (a re-post)

 

 

Fred and Bullfrog Floppit

 

It was a bloody sad night in The Feathers

Bitter melancholy, make no mistake

It was meant be Fred Floppit’s stag night

But it felt more like - a funeral wake

 

The landlord cried tears in his wallet

When he thought of the custom he’d lose

If Fred became hen-pecked and homely

And not spend all his money on booze

 

You see, Fr...

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When The Aliens Landed In Grimstone Low

 

 

When The Aliens Landed In Grimstone Low

 

The aliens came looking for intelligent life

And, not being too sure where to go

Did a three-point-turn in Heckmondwike

And landed in Grimstone low

 

They’d been travelling for many a lightyear

Since their capsule had left the ark

And they pulled up on Maggot-farm Boulevard

It was ten bob an hour to park 

 

A d...

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When Hesketh Boggins Caused A K'fuffle

 

 

When Hesketh Boggins Caused a K’fuffle

 

Hesketh Boggins was a mild mannered man

But only when he was sober

I’ve marked it on mi calendar

It was one afternoon, last October

 

But, when he’d had a bit to drink

Old Hesketh was always in trouble

And that’s what happened, that fateful day

When he caused a ruddy k’fuffle

 

They sent a Black Maria for ‘im

...

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The Bessecarr Teabag Famine

 

 

The Bessecarr Teabag Famine

 

The sun beat so hard, it stripped bark from the trees

And it dried out the song thrush’s song

I’d a mouth like the base of a birdcage  

And a tongue like a yak dealer’s thong

 

It’s thirsty work, working in Bessacarr

With the midday sun beating through

But the village was struck by a teabag-famine

So there was no chance of getti...

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The Black Pudding Hunt

 

 

 

The Black Pudding Hunt        by K J Walker   (Repost. Poetry For Schools)

 

It was during the great pork pie famine

Of nineteen seventy-one

When kids were all crying with hunger

And everyone suffered, bar none

With no cod in the chippy

We ate old kipper ties

The villagers were all hungry

And missing those water crust pies

 

They sent relief aid from...

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poetry for schools

The Totter From Toulouse

 

 

The Totter From Toulouse  by KJ Walker

a re-post. (Poetry for Schools)

 

He had ten ton of turnips

In the turn-ups of his trews

His beard was bathed in Bakelite

And hung down to his shoes

A wicked watch fob weighed his weskit

His hanky blew the blues 

He trudged from Treen to Tottenham

………. The Totter from Toulouse

 

He went in… the outdoor… backwards

...

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poetry for schools

All His Geese Are Swans

 

 

 

All His Geese Are Swans

 

All his geese are swans

I said all his geese are swans

If I’ve been to Tenerife

He’s been to Eleven…erife

So don’t even mention La Mans

Cos all his geese are swans

 

If I give it large

He’ll give it one bigger

Said his wife was a film-star

She looks like one…. Trigger

She wears Tiffany Earrings

And yellow zircons

...

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I Found A Fiver In The Snow

 

I Found A Fiver In The Snow

 

I found a fiver in snow

Well, not in the snow but just below

Two inches deep, but even so

This was my lucky day y’know

I found a fiver in the snow

 

I found a fiver in the snow

 

It wasn’t snow. It was ice though

Which is harder, as you know

I couldn’t, pick it up and go

And so I kicked it, with my toe

It wouldn’t give, b...

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The Last Words My Granny Said To Me

 

 

 

 

The Last Words My Granny Said To Me

 

It’s with regret that I think about Granny

And the kind words that were left unsaid

And the ways that I wished, that I’d made my last peace

But I’ve missed my last chance now she’s dead

If I could re-run our last conversation

I’m sure that I wun’t have provoked

I wish I’d have seen her, just one more last time

Bef...

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The Day That Our Dad Came Home Sober

 

 

 

The Day That Our Dad Came Home Sober

 

 

The day that our Dad came home sober

The dog barked as he came through the door

Cos our Killer was no good with strangers

Or people he’d not met before

 

Our Dad, not drunk, - didn’t seem like our Dad

He’d lost that gormless grin

And his eyes didn’t have that glazed-over look

So it just didn’t look like him

...

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Albert Edward Burrows

entry picture

Albert Edward Burrows   by KJ Walker

 

With iron grey ‘tache

And eyes of steel

Attractive to women

Sex appeal

A massive frame

Chiselled and bold

A liking for young ‘uns

Although he was old

Police were in fear of

This man so strong

Though they saved him that day

From the baying throng

 

He’d married a local

A fair maid called Hannah

She was much yo...

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I Don't Wanna Play That Game

 

 

 

I Don’t Wanna Play That Game

 

 

Dutch ovens after mushy peas

Beneath the Sword of Damocles

Pox roulette with STD’s

I don’t wanna play that game

The way you try to tempt and tease

Then crush my bones between your knees

And cackle at my whimpering pleas

I don’t wanna play that game

Pocket billiards just seems tame

Rack ‘em up to start the frame

...

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I'm a celebrity Haiku

 

 

I’m a Celebrity Haiku

 

Noel to quit showbiz

If crowned king of the jungle

Now that gets my vote

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The Alcoholic Benefactor

 

 

The Alcoholic Benefactor

 

Philip liked a drink

Not many sessions were missed

He always paid into the charity box

He’s a philanthropisartist 

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Cutting The Line

entry picture

 

Cutting the Line 

 

I thought I was underprivileged

Till Dad took me to Billy and Peg’s

Where I came face to face with such desperate folk

Society’s unwanted dregs

Irish Billy and Peg ran a flophouse

Where poor souls paid a bob for the night

To kip, on a length of clothesline

From one wall to t’other pulled tight

The Last Chance Saloon, in the centre of Town

W...

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crueltyFlophouseunderprivileged

The Bricky Pond

 

 

 

The Bricky Pond

 

The Bricky Pond

An urban beauty spot

Chalkhill Blue butterflies

It’s the only place I’d ever seen them

 

Hay jumps

Risking life and limb for two seconds of mid-air excitement

Summersaults and soft landings

Ducks-and-drakes

Thirteen kisses on the glasslike surface

Sticklebacks and frogspawn

I saw a grass snake once

The water...

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A Flight of Fancy

 

 

A Flight of Fancy

 

Imagine to be an aviator

To leave terra-firma and fly

To unlock the shackles of gravity

Be weightless, and reach for the sky

John and Macko were only thirteen

So how could they dream such a thing?

Two working-class lads, from Grimstone Low

With ambitions to take to the wing

They were both academically average

And failing at school, it ...

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aspirationsdreams

The Girl With Murderous Intent

 

  

 

The Girl With Murderous Intent

 

The good folk of Grimstone never locked their doors

Nobody had owt worth nicking

And when the bailiff paid a visit

He left, with no spoils, from his picking

 

So doors were always left ajar

No one bothered to sneck their lock

Friends and neighbours walked straight in

Without being mithered to knock

 

Betty Hogg wa...

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