Poetry Blog by kJ Walker

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kJ Walker on The Nodding Donkeys (10 days ago)

Paul Sayer on The Nodding Donkeys (11 days ago)

kJ Walker on You just can't polish a turd (Sun, 19 Jul 2020 07:30 pm)

M.C. Newberry on You just can't polish a turd (Sun, 19 Jul 2020 04:16 pm)

keith jeffries on You just can't polish a turd (Sat, 18 Jul 2020 10:57 pm)

kJ Walker on The Walrus-man's Tooth (Sat, 11 Jul 2020 08:49 am)

Paul Sayer on The Walrus-man's Tooth (Sat, 11 Jul 2020 08:41 am)

kJ Walker on The Walrus-man's Tooth (Sat, 11 Jul 2020 08:03 am)

keith jeffries on The Walrus-man's Tooth (Mon, 6 Jul 2020 08:06 pm)

Nicola Beckett on The Walrus-man's Tooth (Thu, 25 Jun 2020 09:43 pm)

The Nodding Donkeys

 

 

 

The Nodding Donkeys

 

You surround yourself with yes-men

Nodding donkeys

Dipping ducks

Extreme sycophants

Toadies

Who take their pleasures from licking boots

 

It’s a wonder they don’t crick their necks

With all that nodding

 

You offer the crumbs from your table

But for the special ones

The nodding donkeys

A soupçon more  

 

And th...

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You just can't polish a turd

 

 

You Just Can’t Polish a Turd

 

You can get your tan

From the spray-tan man

Known as Creosote Rod

He’ll rack up in his van

With his aerosol can

And spray you, like a bronzed god   

In paper kecks

And plastic goggles

A process most absurd

It’s not complex

The mind just boggles

You just can’t polish a turd

 

A Rottweiler in make-up

Is still th...

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The Walrus-man's Tooth

 

The Walrus-man’s Tooth

 

“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”

I looked up to see a stranger

Someone I’d never met before

Looking more like a walrus than a man

A pear-shaped man-mountain

And with a long drooping ‘tache

His wet sorrowful eyes pleading

“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”

 

“Why, what’s up?” I asked

“Toothache”

“Toothache?”

“Aye.. Friggin’ toothache”

“Blee...

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Hit The Biggest First (a sesquel to The Ingrates)

 

 

 

Hit The Biggest First

 

Hit the biggest first

It’s become the family mantra

Passed down through the generations

My dad said it to me

And I said it to my kids

Whenever you’re confronted by more than one person

Hit the biggest first

 

I don’t even know how I got here

Out in the street

In front of my own house

Split lip

Buttons torn from my shi...

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The Ingrates

 

 

The Ingrates

 

Put yourself in my shoes

Try to imagine being me

Always right

Knowing that every decision I ever made

Was for the good of my family

But they were too stupid

Or ignorant to see it

 

Ok

So I’d been in the pub all day

But not drinking

Well… drinking, but not for pleasure

I was looking for work

If I didn’t go to the places where the...

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The Devil Came To Grimstone Low

 

 

The Devil Came To Grimstone Low

 

Granny Slugshaw was sat on her back doorstep

Plucking chickens… For next Sat’day’s tea

When who should turn up, but Old Nick himsen

He was after her soul… don’t you see

 

Ordinarily, when he’s on a mission like this

He’d appear in human form

And masquerade as an everyday man

To deceive and act as the norm

 

But Granny ...

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All His Geese Are Swans

 

 

All His Geese Are Swans

 

All his geese are swans

I said all his geese are swans

If I’ve been to Tenerife

He’s been to Eleven…erife

So don’t even mention La Mans

Cos all his geese are swans

 

 

If I give it large

He’ll give it one bigger

Said his wife was a film-star

She looks like one…. Trigger

She wears Tiffany Earrings

And yellow zircons

...

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All His Geese Are Swans

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The Saga Of Cnut Slugshaw

 

 

 

The Saga Of Cnut Slugshaw  

 

It was over a thousand years ago

In the year nine-seventy one

When a dragon-headed Viking ship

Came sailing up the Don

 

And at the helm was Ragnar Slugshaw

That infamous Viking brute

Who’d brought along his little brother

The lad they called Cnut

 

Cnut was quite an ‘andsome lad

But naïve, with an un-blooded sword

...

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Paddy Put Poor Peggy Back On The Game

 

Paddy Put Poor Peggy Back On The Game

 

Paddy put poor Peggy back on the game

Though she’d reached three score and ten

He brought her out of retirement

To serve men’s desirements

Paddy’s back on the bottle again

And Paddy’s need outweigh Peggy’s shame

So Paddy put poor Peggy back on the game

 

A septuagenarian prostitute

Empty purse, and destitute

With a be...

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The Mucky Myrtle One, And The Mucky Myrtle Two

 

 

 

 

The Mucky Myrtle One, and the Mucky Myrtle Two 

 

A nithering wind blew down the valley

A chuffin’ lazy one too

Too idle to go round you

It chilled, and cut straight through

Three codgers stood on Grimstone Quay

With crates of Puggies homebrew

Set to launch a brand new boat

The Mucky Myrtle Two

 

Puggie was the skipper

That’s Pugwash, to his...

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Three Men, Cast Adrift (And Starving)

 

 

 

Three Men, Cast Adrift (and starving)

 

When you’re cast adrift in a tiny boat

You lose all track of time

And hunger becomes starvation

But cannibalism’s a crime

 

There were three of them in that tiny boat

Lost, and cast adrift

Cos Obadiah had dropped their oars

No wonder the others were miffed

 

The fog, when it comes, is thicker than pea soup

...

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The Man Who Couldn't Turn Left

 

 

 

 

The Man Who Couldn’t Turn Left

 

He couldn’t turn left

He couldn’t turn left

He was nimble and deft

But he couldn’t turn left

He was just the man who couldn’t turn left

 

A coffin maker

Picket line breaker

To fly the world with Freddie Laker

With his greasy clock-card out of sight

Turned 270 degrees to the right

And scabbing is theft

Bu...

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Sylvie (A Repost)

 

 

Sylvie

 

Sylvie was a comely wench. Fifty, if a day

Oh yes, her charms were obvious, and always on display

Dressed to kill, in leather and lace

A shapely body, bonny face

Her hunting ground The Royal Oak

She’d always find a younger bloke

A teacher with a lack of scruples

Never short of willing pupils

Life was good, the sex was hot

She was happy with her ...

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A Bag Of Spuds And A Swede (part 2)

 

 

 

A Bag Of Spuds And A Swede (part 2)

 

It was a moonless night, as he fell out the Feathers

Frost peppered the air like glitter

He took tentative steps, on pissed-up legs

As he entered the night-time.. so bitter

 

So cold that a dog got froze to a lamppost

A dusting of frost smeared the path

Which crunched and crackled beneath his feet

As he trudged home...

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A Bag Of Spuds And A Swede (part 1)

 

 

 

A Bag of Spuds and a Swede (part 1)

 

It was as if his birthdays had all come at once

Double family allowance, and double dole

But now he’s down to just twelve and half pence

Sat alone in the watering hole

 

He’d been up since the crack o’ dawn that day

And snuck down as his family all slept

And he rifled through Annie’s old handbag

Where her most prize...

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SAMSEZ

 

 

 

Samsez

 

His name was Sam

But he was always known as Samsez

He spoke of himsen in the third person

If Sam was gunna do summet,

He wun’t say “I’m gunna do summet”

He’d say “Sam’s gunna do summet”

Annoying or what?

That’s just the half of it

He began each sentence with the word Samsez

So it’d go

“Samsez… Sam’s gunna do summet”

His sad tales took ...

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The Man Who Thinks Too Much

 

 

 

The Man Who Thinks Too Much

 

 

He’s the man who thinks too much

The man who thinks too much

He thinks alcohol is a sturdy crutch

The man who thinks too much

 

He views the universe through a microscope

Eternal optimist, devoid of hope

He’ll hang himsen, if you give him the rope

He thinks he can manage, but just can’t cope

He thinks too much… the ...

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The Ghost Of Our Old Granny

 

The Ghost Of Our Old Granny

 

Well… the funeral went off without cause for concern

And the vicar did well in his roll

He paid Our Old Granny a lot of respect

Before bunging her down in the hole

 

And then afterwards at the funeral wake

Nothing but kind words were said

So why then has she’s come back to haunt us

Why has she come back from the dead

 

It was ...

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Scared Of Spiders

 

 

Scared of Spiders

 

He cracks walnuts with his eyelids

Bends girders with his ears

He’s the man who can fight twenty men

After drinking twenty beers

He eats racehorses whole

Plus their saddles, and their riders

He ain’t afeared of any man

But still he’s scared of spiders

 

 

He’s got a tattoo of a dragon

To show how tough he is

He’s got muscles i...

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The Lad With A Magpie Perched On His Head

 

 

The Lad With The Magpie, Perched on his head

 

Among the great unwashed, and the great unfed

There’s a lad who’s strange, it must be said

He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed

He’s the lad with the magpie, perched on his head

 

He’d scragged an egg from a nest in the hedge

Hatched a chick in a box on a ledge

With parental pride he’d watched it fledge

Kept i...

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Fred Floppit Tries To Save His Reputation (and a pram)... A Repost

 

Fred Floppit tries to save his reputation (and a pram)

 

 

When the Shrapnel girls got Kalling

They put the world to rights

With philosophy and politics

And talking bloody shite

 

Around a pram, atop Cesspit hill

They whiled the hours away

With idle gossip, and chit-chat

To pass the time of day

 

Thora Shrapnel was holding court

With her sister, and h...

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A Body In The Don

 

 

 

A Body In The Don

 

The cop-shop in Grimstone was eerily quiet

There was only one stabbin’ that night

And no-one got mugged, for ten minutes or more

So the coppers had no-one to fight

 

It was a tedious job, when nowt much happened

They sat about kallin’, and gabbin’

Sergeant Pike said “Stick t’kettle on, we’ll have one more brew”

“Before we investigate...

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The Annual Talent Show (Down At The Feathers)

 

 

The Annual Talent Show (Down At The Feathers)

 

It was heaving that night in the Feathers

The landlord had played his old trick

He’d a ton of pork scratchings, that’d gone out-of-date

So needed to shift ‘em….. and quick

 

So he called it his annual talent show

Punters travelled from miles around

And he sold off his scratchings at threepence a bag

Or all you ...

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Fred and Bullfrog Floppit (a re-post)

 

 

Fred and Bullfrog Floppit

 

It was a bloody sad night in The Feathers

Bitter melancholy, make no mistake

It was meant be Fred Floppit’s stag night

But it felt more like - a funeral wake

 

The landlord cried tears in his wallet

When he thought of the custom he’d lose

If Fred became hen-pecked and homely

And not spend all his money on booze

 

You see, Fr...

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When The Aliens Landed In Grimstone Low

 

 

When The Aliens Landed In Grimstone Low

 

The aliens came looking for intelligent life

And, not being too sure where to go

Did a three-point-turn in Heckmondwike

And landed in Grimstone low

 

They’d been travelling for many a lightyear

Since their capsule had left the ark

And they pulled up on Maggot-farm Boulevard

It was ten bob an hour to park 

 

A d...

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When Hesketh Boggins Caused A K'fuffle

 

 

When Hesketh Boggins Caused a K’fuffle

 

Hesketh Boggins was a mild mannered man

But only when he was sober

I’ve marked it on mi calendar

It was one afternoon, last October

 

But, when he’d had a bit to drink

Old Hesketh was always in trouble

And that’s what happened, that fateful day

When he caused a ruddy k’fuffle

 

They sent a Black Maria for ‘im

...

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The Bessecarr Teabag Famine

 

 

The Bessecarr Teabag Famine

 

The sun beat so hard, it stripped bark from the trees

And it dried out the song thrush’s song

I’d a mouth like the base of a birdcage  

And a tongue like a yak dealer’s thong

 

It’s thirsty work, working in Bessacarr

With the midday sun beating through

But the village was struck by a teabag-famine

So there was no chance of getti...

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The Black Pudding Hunt

 

 

 

The Black Pudding Hunt        by K J Walker   (Repost. Poetry For Schools)

 

It was during the great pork pie famine

Of nineteen seventy-one

When kids were all crying with hunger

And everyone suffered, bar none

With no cod in the chippy

We ate old kipper ties

The villagers were all hungry

And missing those water crust pies

 

They sent relief aid from...

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poetry for schools

The Totter From Toulouse

 

 

The Totter From Toulouse  by KJ Walker

a re-post. (Poetry for Schools)

 

He had ten ton of turnips

In the turn-ups of his trews

His beard was bathed in Bakelite

And hung down to his shoes

A wicked watch fob weighed his weskit

His hanky blew the blues 

He trudged from Treen to Tottenham

………. The Totter from Toulouse

 

He went in… the outdoor… backwards

...

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poetry for schools

All His Geese Are Swans

 

 

 

All His Geese Are Swans

 

All his geese are swans

I said all his geese are swans

If I’ve been to Tenerife

He’s been to Eleven…erife

So don’t even mention La Mans

Cos all his geese are swans

 

If I give it large

He’ll give it one bigger

Said his wife was a film-star

She looks like one…. Trigger

She wears Tiffany Earrings

And yellow zircons

...

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I Found A Fiver In The Snow

 

I Found A Fiver In The Snow

 

I found a fiver in snow

Well, not in the snow but just below

Two inches deep, but even so

This was my lucky day y’know

I found a fiver in the snow

 

I found a fiver in the snow

 

It wasn’t snow. It was ice though

Which is harder, as you know

I couldn’t, pick it up and go

And so I kicked it, with my toe

It wouldn’t give, b...

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The Last Words My Granny Said To Me

 

 

 

 

The Last Words My Granny Said To Me

 

It’s with regret that I think about Granny

And the kind words that were left unsaid

And the ways that I wished, that I’d made my last peace

But I’ve missed my last chance now she’s dead

If I could re-run our last conversation

I’m sure that I wun’t have provoked

I wish I’d have seen her, just one more last time

Bef...

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The Day That Our Dad Came Home Sober

 

 

 

The Day That Our Dad Came Home Sober

 

 

The day that our Dad came home sober

The dog barked as he came through the door

Cos our Killer was no good with strangers

Or people he’d not met before

 

Our Dad, not drunk, - didn’t seem like our Dad

He’d lost that gormless grin

And his eyes didn’t have that glazed-over look

So it just didn’t look like him

...

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Albert Edward Burrows

entry picture

Albert Edward Burrows   by KJ Walker

 

With iron grey ‘tache

And eyes of steel

Attractive to women

Sex appeal

A massive frame

Chiselled and bold

A liking for young ‘uns

Although he was old

Police were in fear of

This man so strong

Though they saved him that day

From the baying throng

 

He’d married a local

A fair maid called Hannah

She was much yo...

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I Don't Wanna Play That Game

 

 

 

I Don’t Wanna Play That Game

 

 

Dutch ovens after mushy peas

Beneath the Sword of Damocles

Pox roulette with STD’s

I don’t wanna play that game

The way you try to tempt and tease

Then crush my bones between your knees

And cackle at my whimpering pleas

I don’t wanna play that game

Pocket billiards just seems tame

Rack ‘em up to start the frame

...

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I'm a celebrity Haiku

 

 

I’m a Celebrity Haiku

 

Noel to quit showbiz

If crowned king of the jungle

Now that gets my vote

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The Alcoholic Benefactor

 

 

The Alcoholic Benefactor

 

Philip liked a drink

Not many sessions were missed

He always paid into the charity box

He’s a philanthropisartist 

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Cutting The Line

entry picture

 

Cutting the Line 

 

I thought I was underprivileged

Till Dad took me to Billy and Peg’s

Where I came face to face with such desperate folk

Society’s unwanted dregs

Irish Billy and Peg ran a flophouse

Where poor souls paid a bob for the night

To kip, on a length of clothesline

From one wall to t’other pulled tight

The Last Chance Saloon, in the centre of Town

W...

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crueltyFlophouseunderprivileged

The Bricky Pond

 

 

 

The Bricky Pond

 

The Bricky Pond

An urban beauty spot

Chalkhill Blue butterflies

It’s the only place I’d ever seen them

 

Hay jumps

Risking life and limb for two seconds of mid-air excitement

Summersaults and soft landings

Ducks-and-drakes

Thirteen kisses on the glasslike surface

Sticklebacks and frogspawn

I saw a grass snake once

The water...

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A Flight of Fancy

 

 

A Flight of Fancy

 

Imagine to be an aviator

To leave terra-firma and fly

To unlock the shackles of gravity

Be weightless, and reach for the sky

John and Macko were only thirteen

So how could they dream such a thing?

Two working-class lads, from Grimstone Low

With ambitions to take to the wing

They were both academically average

And failing at school, it ...

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aspirationsdreams

The Girl With Murderous Intent

 

  

 

The Girl With Murderous Intent

 

The good folk of Grimstone never locked their doors

Nobody had owt worth nicking

And when the bailiff paid a visit

He left, with no spoils, from his picking

 

So doors were always left ajar

No one bothered to sneck their lock

Friends and neighbours walked straight in

Without being mithered to knock

 

Betty Hogg wa...

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