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The Long-Nosed Short-Legged Terrier

The Long-nosed Short-Legged Terrier

 

When Darrel Slugshaw’s dog was a puppy

It was fluffy and cuddly and cute

But he fed it up, on beef drippin’ and tripe

So now it’s a monstrous brute

 

It was an upper Don-Valley black puddin’ hound

A local Yorkshire breed

Bred for their guile and their cunning

Agility, size, and their speed

 

Ten stone of muscle and sinew

...

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The HARUSPEX (Granny Slugshaw)

The HARUSPEX (Granny Slugshaw)

 

 

Granny Slugshaw used to read tealeaves

But now...   it’s sad to say

Everybody has teabags

TASSEOMANCY has had its day

 

She’d lost income… to new-fangled teabags

Be they square, round or pyramid

A fortune teller shudda seen it coming

Granny Slugshaw never did

 

She wracked her brain for a new source of income

She was sk...

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Mi Mam's Take On Contraception

Mi Mam’s Take On Contraception

 

So

I was the second of seven kids

(All planned… or so I was told)

Mi Dad was an idle sod, and never worked

All his dole money went on himsen

Mi Mam did her best

But I must admit, we were a raggy-arsed crew

 

Wherever we went, we went en-masse

Usually with mi Mam leading from the front

And us kids following

 

Picture a moth...

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How To Choose A Good Plumber

How To Choose A Good Plumber

 

How can you choose a good plumber

And trust that he’s up to the task

When his ratings are five star.. and glowing

But he can’t screw the lid on his flask

 

So you’ve checked his reviews on his website

And you see that the guy’s “level headed”

But you notice the flask.. in the top of his bag

And you see that the cup’s on cross-threaded

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Fred's Little Problem

 

 

 

Fred’s Little Problem       by KJ Walker

 

 

Fred had a little problem

It started with an itch

He’d worn through all his trousers

Cos he’s scratching like a bitch

So he sloped off to the doctors

Crestfallen, wracked with shame

The cause of his embarrassment?

His bum……. it felt aflame.

The quack said “stick your tongue out”

“I’ll look into your mou...

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Farra Thin Thot

Farra thin thot

Feera thin thet

What is it I'm trying to say

Fairer than thit

Feerer thon thet

Mi tongue's in a twister today

 

Firra thin thot

Firra thin thet

I'm talking like a twat

Farra thin thit

Farra thin thot

I can't say .....fairer than that

 

 

 

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Coal Ash Maisey

 

 

 

 Coal Ash Maisey

 

 

Fingers gnarled like liquorice roots

Arthritic, bent and twisted.

Filthy blackened fingernails

Her crooked digits blistered

She stoops to rake the fire

An avalanche on the grate

Another burn on her pinafore

A sad, pathetic state

Consumed in ash from the hearth

A cloud both thick, and hazy

In her hair, and on her clothes

...

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Spelunking the Banana Caves

Spelunking The Banana Caves

 

So we were going to be spelunkers

Speleologists

That’s potholers, in case you were wondering

There were three of us

Me, Sando and Lawley

Would be cave dwellers

Troglodytes

A trio of trogs

We saw this adventure as our initiation test

A coming of age, for three ten year old lads

Spelunking the banana caves

 

We’d got all the equ...

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To Ride Jock's Bloody Bull

To Ride Jock’s Bloody Bull

 

When you’re ten years old, and you’ve got a best mate

You’re a very lucky lad

And my best mate was Sando

The best mate a lad coulda had

 

We stuck together through thick and thin

Through hail and stormy weather

Through trials and tribulations

We’d faced the world together

 

And always it was just me and him

And I liked it…. Just h...

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Silvie (a re-post)

 

 

Sylvie

 

Sylvie was a comely wench. Fifty, if a day

Oh yes, her charms were obvious, and always on display

Dressed to kill, in leather and lace

A shapely body, bonny face

Her hunting ground The Royal Oak

She’d always find a younger bloke

A teacher with a lack of scruples

Never short of willing pupils

Life was good, the sex was hot

She was happy with her ...

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The Old Rugged Cross (A sequel to Flo's Domain)

The Old Rugged Cross

 

The heart of the Aviation bar was its jukebox

A Rock-Ola

Brand new when it was first installed

In 1953

 

It dominated the tiny grotty little bar

With its great flashing neons

 

Over the years it had had two updates

The first in 1968

A conversion

So it could play the new-fangled 7inch discs

All a bit modern for Flo

But she got used...

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Flo's Domain

Flo’s Domain

 

The Aviation Bar

A shithole

Unloved by the management

The dirty secret

Of a plush hotel complex

On the outskirts of town

Stuck in the nineteen forties

Leather barstools and oak panels

Cream quarry tiles adorned the floor

How much ale had they seen

Spilt and mopped up over the decades

This was Flo’s domain

 

Flo was well into her eighties

...

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A Game Of Pool (part 4)

A Game Of Pool (part 4)

 

Anyone else would have taken it as a compliment

When Fat-boy said

“Signs of a misspent youth”

But my dad didn’t see it as such

 

CRACK

He brought the cue down on Fat-boy’s head

Smashing the cue in half

And splitting Fat-boy’s head clean open

 

His reaction shocked everyone in the room

Even me

And I was used to his violent mood swi...

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A Game Of Pool (part 3)

A Game Of Pool (part 3)

 

My dad rearranged the balls in the triangle

After Fat-boy had just plonked ‘em in any-old-how

They didn’t toss to see who’d won the break

That honour was conceded to my dad

 

He chalked his cue up

Smearing blue chalk all over his forefingers and thumb

Then he scratched his nose

Accidently-on-purpose getting chalk all over his nose

Why he a...

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A Game Of Pool (part 2)

A Game Of Pool (part 2)

 

Whatever game it was, that the yokels were playing

It wasn’t a conventional game of pool

The black ball had long since gone down

And they just seemed to be smacking the balls around the table

Any old how

 

When a ball went down

Be it a spot or a stripe

They gave out a large cheer

When one missed

Or they ballsed up the shot

It was acc...

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A Game Of Pool (part 1)

A Game Of Pool (part 1)

 

“Two pints of Double Diamond and an orangeade for the lad”

It was an exciting time for a ten year old lad

The first time my dad had actually taken me into a pub

Usually I was left outside, sat on a beer crate

 

“Who’s the other pint for?” asked the barman

“It’s not for the young-un, is it?”

“No” said my dad, as he picked up the first pint

In ...

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