A Race to The Bottom

The land of only blind men

Is a one-eyed man’s regime

But this is the land of the stupid

Where fuckwits reign supreme

It’s survival of the thickest

Evolution in reverse

Where scum floats to the surface

And deviants diverse

A hackneyed race to the bottom

Where you don’t get to choose

I’ll race you to the bottom

And may the best...

Read and leave comments (5)

The Grimstone Vampire

Granny’s Slugshaw was sat watchin’ t’telly

When something rattled her windowpane

She thought.. What the chuff is all that noise

It wasn’t forecasted to rain

So she got up and pulled her curtains back

And saw Vlad… just hanging there

Upside-down.. by his feet… like a bat

With his cloak, and his raven-black hair

“You soft...

Read and leave comments (3)

The Man Who Can See Behind Himsen

He was the man who can see behind himsen

The man who can see behind himsen

A skill he’d had since way back when

It comes in handy now and then

To be able to see behind thisen

He didn’t have to bend his neck

When looking back… in retrospect

Nor turn his head to gaze behind

As would the rest of all mankind

Cos…....

Read and leave comments (5)

The People I Never Have Met

It’s with regret

That as of yet

There’s people that

I’ve never met

I’ve never met an honest Tory

Who isn’t in it for the glory

If you’ve met one, then share his story

On second thoughts, you’d only bore me

My retrospect is circumspect

For people that I’ve never met

An aunt with cash up in the attic

A caravan t...

Read and leave comments (8)

The Red ‘Edded Spuggy

Come tek a look, it’s in my back yard

Maggie Slugshaw said

It looks just like a normal spuggy

Except for its ‘ed… which is red

It’s a red ‘edded spuggy, a red edded spuggy

They’ve never been spotted before

It’s the world’s first ever… red ‘edded spuggy

It’s unique…. There ain’t any more

So the twitchers flocked in from ...

Read and leave comments (0)

The Nodding Donkeys

You surround yourself with yes-men

Nodding donkeys

Dipping ducks

Extreme sycophants

Toadies

Who take their pleasures from licking boots

It’s a wonder they don’t crick their necks

With all that nodding

You offer the crumbs from your table

But for the special ones

The nodding donkeys

A soupçon more  

And th...

Read and leave comments (1)

You Just Can’t Polish a Turd

You can get your tan

From the spray-tan man

Known as Creosote Rod

He’ll rack up in his van

With his aerosol can

And spray you, like a bronzed god   

In paper kecks

And plastic goggles

A process most absurd

It’s not complex

The mind just boggles

You just can’t polish a turd

A Rottweiler in make-up

Is still th...

Read and leave comments (3)

The Walrus-man’s Tooth

“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”

I looked up to see a stranger

Someone I’d never met before

Looking more like a walrus than a man

A pear-shaped man-mountain

And with a long drooping ‘tache

His wet sorrowful eyes pleading

“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”

“Why, what’s up?” I asked

“Toothache”

“Toothache?”

“Aye.. Friggin’ toothache”

“Blee...

Read and leave comments (9)

Hit The Biggest First

Hit the biggest first

It’s become the family mantra

Passed down through the generations

My dad said it to me

And I said it to my kids

Whenever you’re confronted by more than one person

Hit the biggest first

I don’t even know how I got here

Out in the street

In front of my own house

Split lip

Buttons torn from my shi...

Read and leave comments (2)

The Ingrates

Put yourself in my shoes

Try to imagine being me

Always right

Knowing that every decision I ever made

Was for the good of my family

But they were too stupid

Or ignorant to see it

Ok

So I’d been in the pub all day

But not drinking

Well… drinking, but not for pleasure

I was looking for work

If I didn’t go to the places where the...

Read and leave comments (4)

The Devil Came To Grimstone Low

Granny Slugshaw was sat on her back doorstep

Plucking chickens… For next Sat’day’s tea

When who should turn up, but Old Nick himsen

He was after her soul… don’t you see

Ordinarily, when he’s on a mission like this

He’d appear in human form

And masquerade as an everyday man

To deceive and act as the norm

But Granny ...

Read and leave comments (2)

All His Geese Are Swans

All his geese are swans

I said all his geese are swans

If I’ve been to Tenerife

He’s been to Eleven…erife

So don’t even mention La Mans

Cos all his geese are swans

If I give it large

He’ll give it one bigger

Said his wife was a film-star

She looks like one…. Trigger

She wears Tiffany Earrings

And yellow zircons

Read and leave comments (4)

Read and leave comments (0)

The Saga Of Cnut Slugshaw  

It was over a thousand years ago

In the year nine-seventy one

When a dragon-headed Viking ship

Came sailing up the Don

And at the helm was Ragnar Slugshaw

That infamous Viking brute

Who’d brought along his little brother

The lad they called Cnut

Cnut was quite an ‘andsome lad

But naïve, with an un-blooded sword

Read and leave comments (7)

Paddy Put Poor Peggy Back On The Game

Paddy put poor Peggy back on the game

Though she’d reached three score and ten

He brought her out of retirement

To serve men’s desirements

Paddy’s back on the bottle again

And Paddy’s need outweigh Peggy’s shame

So Paddy put poor Peggy back on the game

A septuagenarian prostitute

Empty purse, and destitute

With a be...

Read and leave comments (0)

The Mucky Myrtle One, and the Mucky Myrtle Two 

A nithering wind blew down the valley

A chuffin’ lazy one too

Too idle to go round you

It chilled, and cut straight through

Three codgers stood on Grimstone Quay

With crates of Puggies homebrew

Set to launch a brand new boat

The Mucky Myrtle Two

Puggie was the skipper

That’s Pugwash, to his...

Read and leave comments (4)

Three Men, Cast Adrift (and starving)

When you’re cast adrift in a tiny boat

You lose all track of time

And hunger becomes starvation

But cannibalism’s a crime

There were three of them in that tiny boat

Lost, and cast adrift

Cos Obadiah had dropped their oars

No wonder the others were miffed

The fog, when it comes, is thicker than pea soup

Read and leave comments (5)

The Man Who Couldn’t Turn Left

He couldn’t turn left

He couldn’t turn left

He was nimble and deft

But he couldn’t turn left

He was just the man who couldn’t turn left

A coffin maker

Picket line breaker

To fly the world with Freddie Laker

With his greasy clock-card out of sight

Turned 270 degrees to the right

And scabbing is theft

Bu...

Read and leave comments (4)