Saint Rigobert’s Graveyard (Grimstone Low)

 

It’s hard to imagine Saint rigobert’s graveyard

If you don’t come from Grimstone Low

It’s a glorious site overlooking the village

With views of the cesspits below

 

As you meander up Dead Donkey meadow

On the footpath from Lynch Mob’s Birch

You arrive at a quaint little lychgate

The back entrance into the church

 

Then… avoiding the dog shit and condoms

And ducking your head as you enter

Saint Rigobert’s Graveyard’s the heart of the village

You could say it’s the dead centre

 

It’s a haven of peaceful tranquillity

Where Jasmine’s sweet scent fills the air

Uncle Tosh had a word with the vicar

To have Aunt Clarabelle buried there

 

Aunt Clarabelle always loved Saint Rigobert’s

It’s where she went for a knit and a natter

Tosh wanted her buried in sight of the church

So he asked t’vicar to settle the matter

 

Now this new vicar was a neurotic type

Who broke out in a fit of hysteria

Saying… “we can’t bury Clarabelle here at Saint Rigobert’s”

“She hasn’t met certain criteria”

 

“Certain criteria” thought our Uncle Tosh

Not grasping quite what he meant

Cos although Clarabelle never went to church often

When she did… that’s the one…. Where she went

 

“Certain criteria” thought our Uncle Tosh

Thinking… is it because they weren’t wed

Or cos Clarabelle last dealt with the vicar

When he caught her on t’roof nickin’ t’lead

 

But despite her faults, Clarabelle was a Christian

So it upset Uncle Tosh somewhat

To think that this upstart of a vicar

Won’t bury her… in his chosen plot

 

So he lowered himsen to try bribing the vicar

He took out his chequebook and pen

Then he also bunged him a fiver… saying

“Eeer…. keep this for tissen”

 

But the vicar was quite unrepentant

He looked at Tosh and he said

“We can’t bury Clarabelle here at Saint Rigobert’s”

“At least not yet….. She’s not dead”