Sylvie

Sylvie was a comely wench. Fifty, if a day

Oh yes, her charms were obvious, and always on display

Dressed to kill, in leather and lace

A shapely body, bonny face

Her hunting ground The Royal Oak

She’d always find a younger bloke

A teacher with a lack of scruples

Never short of willing pupils

Life was good, the sex was hot

She was happy with her ...

Read and leave comments (4)

A Bag Of Spuds And A Swede (part 2)

It was a moonless night, as he fell out the Feathers

Frost peppered the air like glitter

He took tentative steps, on pissed-up legs

As he entered the night-time.. so bitter

So cold that a dog got froze to a lamppost

A dusting of frost smeared the path

Which crunched and crackled beneath his feet

As he trudged home...

Read and leave comments (3)

A Bag of Spuds and a Swede (part 1)

It was as if his birthdays had all come at once

Double family allowance, and double dole

But now he’s down to just twelve and half pence

Sat alone in the watering hole

He’d been up since the crack o’ dawn that day

And snuck down as his family all slept

And he rifled through Annie’s old handbag

Where her most prize...

Read and leave comments (7)

Samsez

His name was Sam

But he was always known as Samsez

He spoke of himsen in the third person

If Sam was gunna do summet,

He wun’t say “I’m gunna do summet”

He’d say “Sam’s gunna do summet”

Annoying or what?

That’s just the half of it

He began each sentence with the word Samsez

So it’d go

“Samsez… Sam’s gunna do summet”

His sad tales took ...

Read and leave comments (4)

The Man Who Thinks Too Much

He’s the man who thinks too much

The man who thinks too much

He thinks alcohol is a sturdy crutch

The man who thinks too much

He views the universe through a microscope

Eternal optimist, devoid of hope

He’ll hang himsen, if you give him the rope

He thinks he can manage, but just can’t cope

He thinks too much… the ...

Read and leave comments (6)

The Ghost Of Our Old Granny

Well… the funeral went off without cause for concern

And the vicar did well in his roll

He paid Our Old Granny a lot of respect

Before bunging her down in the hole

And then afterwards at the funeral wake

Nothing but kind words were said

So why then has she’s come back to haunt us

Why has she come back from the dead

It was ...

Read and leave comments (10)

Scared of Spiders

He cracks walnuts with his eyelids

Bends girders with his ears

He’s the man who can fight twenty men

After drinking twenty beers

He eats racehorses whole

Plus their saddles, and their riders

He ain’t afeared of any man

But still he’s scared of spiders

He’s got a tattoo of a dragon

To show how tough he is

He’s got muscles i...

Read and leave comments (8)

The Lad With The Magpie, Perched on his head

Among the great unwashed, and the great unfed

There’s a lad who’s strange, it must be said

He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed

He’s the lad with the magpie, perched on his head

He’d scragged an egg from a nest in the hedge

Hatched a chick in a box on a ledge

With parental pride he’d watched it fledge

Kept i...

Read and leave comments (8)

Fred Floppit tries to save his reputation (and a pram)

When the Shrapnel girls got Kalling

They put the world to rights

With philosophy and politics

And talking bloody shite

Around a pram, atop Cesspit hill

They whiled the hours away

With idle gossip, and chit-chat

To pass the time of day

Thora Shrapnel was holding court

With her sister, and h...

Read and leave comments (6)

A Body In The Don

The cop-shop in Grimstone was eerily quiet

There was only one stabbin’ that night

And no-one got mugged, for ten minutes or more

So the coppers had no-one to fight

It was a tedious job, when nowt much happened

They sat about kallin’, and gabbin’

Sergeant Pike said “Stick t’kettle on, we’ll have one more brew”

“Before we investigate...

Read and leave comments (4)

The Annual Talent Show (Down At The Feathers)

It was heaving that night in the Feathers

The landlord had played his old trick

He’d a ton of pork scratchings, that’d gone out-of-date

So needed to shift ‘em….. and quick

So he called it his annual talent show

Punters travelled from miles around

And he sold off his scratchings at threepence a bag

Or all you ...

Read and leave comments (5)

Fred and Bullfrog Floppit

It was a bloody sad night in The Feathers

Bitter melancholy, make no mistake

It was meant be Fred Floppit’s stag night

But it felt more like - a funeral wake

The landlord cried tears in his wallet

When he thought of the custom he’d lose

If Fred became hen-pecked and homely

And not spend all his money on booze

You see, Fr...

Read and leave comments (2)

When The Aliens Landed In Grimstone Low

The aliens came looking for intelligent life

And, not being too sure where to go

Did a three-point-turn in Heckmondwike

And landed in Grimstone low

They’d been travelling for many a lightyear

Since their capsule had left the ark

And they pulled up on Maggot-farm Boulevard

It was ten bob an hour to park 

A d...

Read and leave comments (5)

When Hesketh Boggins Caused a K’fuffle

Hesketh Boggins was a mild mannered man

But only when he was sober

I’ve marked it on mi calendar

It was one afternoon, last October

But, when he’d had a bit to drink

Old Hesketh was always in trouble

And that’s what happened, that fateful day

When he caused a ruddy k’fuffle

They sent a Black Maria for ‘im

Read and leave comments (9)

The Bessecarr Teabag Famine

The sun beat so hard, it stripped bark from the trees

And it dried out the song thrush’s song

I’d a mouth like the base of a birdcage  

And a tongue like a yak dealer’s thong

It’s thirsty work, working in Bessacarr

With the midday sun beating through

But the village was struck by a teabag-famine

So there was no chance of getti...

Read and leave comments (7)

The Black Pudding Hunt        by K J Walker   (Repost. Poetry For Schools)

It was during the great pork pie famine

Of nineteen seventy-one

When kids were all crying with hunger

And everyone suffered, bar none

With no cod in the chippy

We ate old kipper ties

The villagers were all hungry

And missing those water crust pies

They sent relief aid from...

Read and leave comments (4)

The Totter From Toulouse  by KJ Walker

a re-post. (Poetry for Schools)

He had ten ton of turnips

In the turn-ups of his trews

His beard was bathed in Bakelite

And hung down to his shoes

A wicked watch fob weighed his weskit

His hanky blew the blues 

He trudged from Treen to Tottenham

………. The Totter from Toulouse

He went in… the outdoor… backwards

Read and leave comments (6)

All His Geese Are Swans

All his geese are swans

I said all his geese are swans

If I’ve been to Tenerife

He’s been to Eleven…erife

So don’t even mention La Mans

Cos all his geese are swans

If I give it large

He’ll give it one bigger

Said his wife was a film-star

She looks like one…. Trigger

She wears Tiffany Earrings

And yellow zircons

Read and leave comments (8)

I Found A Fiver In The Snow

I found a fiver in snow

Well, not in the snow but just below

Two inches deep, but even so

This was my lucky day y’know

I found a fiver in the snow

I found a fiver in the snow

It wasn’t snow. It was ice though

Which is harder, as you know

I couldn’t, pick it up and go

And so I kicked it, with my toe

It wouldn’t give, b...

Read and leave comments (6)