To Ride Jock's Bloody Bull

To Ride Jock’s Bloody Bull


When you’re ten years old, and you’ve got a best mate

You’re a very lucky lad

And my best mate was Sando

The best mate a lad coulda had


We stuck together through thick and thin

Through hail and stormy weather

Through trials and tribulations

We’d faced the world together


And always it was just me and him

And I liked it…. Just him and me

Till Lawley started… just taggin’ along

And somehow…the two became three


But, it still it was me and my besty

With Lawley just taggin’ along

Me and my besty

A two plus one

With Lawley just taggin’ along


And I got used to Lawley…just taggin’ along

I got used to him always being present

Like a stench, your nose becomes blind to

Then somehow it seems less unpleasant


I got used to Lawley… just taggin’ along

Whatever we did, he did anorl

Till the day he announced, he’d ride Jock’s bloody bull

And that’s where I sensed my downfall


If Lawley rides Jock’s bloody bull

Will Sando still be my best-mate?

Or will he favour him over me

Had he sealed my fate


If Lawley rides Jock’s bloody bull

I feared that I’d then be rejected

I’ll be the one left out in the cold

Sad and alone and dejected



I loved Sando, like I loved no other

And I loved being a two-man-band

And I loved him more than I loved my own brother

Platonically, you’ll understand


We were the perfect pair, the gruesome twosome

Best mates since the age of six

And I loved being part of the dynamic duo

Till this lad muscled in inbetwixt


I’ll ride Jocks bloody bull, he said

With bravado and self-belief

I’ll jump on its back

Tek the bull by the horns

Two ton of pure bully beef


I’ll ride Jock’s bloody bull, he said

Then he threw this ‘un into the mix

I’ll canter it up and down a bit

Then I’ll show you some rodeo tricks


I loathed the lad

With contempt and distain

Every hair on his head

I loathed the lad

And it’s hard to explain

To my shame, I wished the lad dead


Go on

Ride Jock’s bloody bull I thought

And I hope tha gets trampled to death

Usurper, intruder, you’re not wanted here

You cuckoo in the nest


Go on

Ride Jock’s bloody bull I thought

And I hope that tha get gored

A ship’s in stormy waters

With a stowaway on board


I wish every possible ill on you

And I hope you succumb to your fate

I hope you get your just deserts

For coming twixt me and my mate


So there we were, at Jocks field

With the bulls on the other side

When Lawley picked out this magnificent beast

The one he was going to ride


Jock’s bloody bulls were all gigantic

But this ‘un particularly so

Two tons of bully beef and horns

A long-horned beefalo


It steamed as it thundered towards us

And I swear it was breathing out smoke

A seismic event, as it bellowed and snorted

As the footpath quivered and quoke



I tried maskin’ my fear

But I just couldn’t hide it

I’d a new-found respect

For the lad who would ride it


And I looked to the beast

This magnificent creature

And that’s when I noticed

It missing one feature


Cos… I knew a bull shudda had bollocks

And I looked at the place where it shudda

And there hangin’ down by its back legs

Was a baggy saggy udder


It’s not a bull, it’s a cow I said

As we regarded one another

It’s not a bull it’s a cow I said

It’s got a bloody udder


They said

Who are you.. to say that it isn’t a bull

And to say that.. it’s just a cow

They said, would thy ride the bloody thing

I think the answer is no.. somehow


And I’d never felt so ashamed of missen

For making such a bloody fuss

He wasn’t trying to nick my best mate

He just wanted to be one of us



So we held the beast still, with firm steady hands

As Lawley ascended the gate

On a self-designed initiation test

In order to.. just be our mate



He literally took the bull by its horns

And kinda hovered there over its back

Then gently, so gently lowered himsen down

And it tossed him off with a crack


He weren’t even on for a second

When he hit the ground hard… with a thud

And he landed splat..  between the beasts hooves

Rolling about in the mud


And the big massive beast tried to trample and gore him

As he wriggled about underneath

Till he made his escape through a gap in the gate

And I let out a sigh of relief


And I blamed missen, cos I’d wished ill upon him

And I’d wished he’d get trampled and gored

And I blamed missen, for Lawley’s sad fate

And I blamed missen for our discord



So now.. if anyone asks me

I say he rode Jock’s bull that bloody day

I say he took the bull by the horns

And gave us bronco display


I say, he rode Jock’s bloody bull that day

And I throw this ‘un into the mix

I say he cantered it up and down a bit

Then he showed us some rodeo tricks


And if anyone says it wasn’t a bull

And that it was only a cow

I say, would thy have ridden the bloody thing

I think the answer is no.. somehow


◄ Silvie (a re-post)

Spelunking the Banana Caves ►


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kJ Walker

Wed 4th Aug 2021 07:07

Thanks John
It's a bit different from Grindstone low because it's in the first person and from a child's perspective.
I don't think that there is a well spoken this month, and that we will resume in September. But check, I'd hate to misinform you.

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John Coopey

Wed 4th Aug 2021 00:16

I saw this earlier today on FB, Kev. Another pearler. But a little different from your Grimstone Low stable. What I liked about it especially was that it was written as a child would write it.
Are we on for Thursday next week to perform in the flesh?

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kJ Walker

Mon 2nd Aug 2021 17:16

Thank you for the likes, and kind comments.
A few people have compared my stuff to Stanley Holloway monologues, praise indeed.
This one is actually a true story, and I am still good friends with Sando, all these years later.

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Stephen Gospage

Mon 2nd Aug 2021 16:51

Wonderful stuff! What a great read.

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julie callaghan

Mon 2nd Aug 2021 15:56

Thank you enjoyed, would love to hear it read out.

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M.C. Newberry

Mon 2nd Aug 2021 14:42

Takes me back to the monologues of Stanley Holloway - and I
can't say fairer than that!

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Stephen Atkinson

Mon 2nd Aug 2021 09:29

Wonderful stuff KJ

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keith jeffries

Mon 2nd Aug 2021 08:10


I take my hat off to you. Another poem rich in humour and so well crafted even down to the use of a north country accent to embellish the poem itself.

Thanks for this

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