The HARUSPEX (Granny Slugshaw)

 

 

Granny Slugshaw used to read tealeaves

But now...   it’s sad to say

Everybody has teabags

TASSEOMANCY has had its day

 

She’d lost income… to new-fangled teabags

Be they square, round or pyramid

A fortune teller shudda seen it coming

Granny Slugshaw never did

 

She wracked her brain for a new source of income

She was skint, but she still had her bills

So she needed to think of a new way

To use TASSEOMANCY’s transferable skills

 

So she got hersen down to the library

And dug out some old Roman texts

Of ancient Etruscan soothsayers

And the art of the HARUSPEX

 

HARUSPICY is divination

Which according to ancient folklore

Means sacrificing a chicken

Then checking its guts, and its gore

 

The liver and lungs are significant

In this ancient Etruscan art

Along with the spleen and the kidneys

And not forgetting the heart

 

Now… Granny’s not squeamish wi’ giblets

So this was her perfect career

She put an ad in the paper-shop window

To set hersen up…. as a SEER

 

              * * * * *

Gladys Thrupp… who you may remember

Used to be a stunner

But now they’ve closed the abattoir

And her hubby’s done a runner

 

She’d been with aliens, and even a Viking

But they were just one-night-stands

She wondered when God would give her a break

And when would she find her own man

 

She wondered… what of the future

Cos her love-life was sparse, yet complex

So she did what we all do in times like this

She called in the HARUSPEX

 

 

She gave Granny Slugshaw a bell

And asked for an half hour reading

To find out why…. her love-life went west

And when would she get what she’s needing

 

“Yur on”… said Granny “But bring yur own chicken”

“I’ll set up the altar and knife”

“I’ll do some divine divination”

“To see’f I can sort yur love-life”

 

              * * * * *

 

So Granny set t’ Kitchen table up

Wi’ a cover… to make it look right

And a chopping-board… sacrificial slab

And candles to give out some light

 

She played Gothic music… to set the mood

The atmosphere was intense

With a foggy fug from the fireplace

Of sandalwood’s bitter incense

 

“Right” said Granny “We’ll make a start”

“Yur half hour clock’s started tickin’”

“It’s about time we got the show on the road”

“Have you brought the bloody chicken?”

 

“Aye” said Gladys, “but not just a chicken”

“Just you wait and see”

“I’ve bought us a boneless banquet bucket”

“I’ve been to t’ KFC”

 

She’d brought chicken fillets,

And popcorn chicken, fries, and a paper hat

Granny Slugshaw was a good fortune teller

But she never predicted that