The Walrus-man’s Tooth

 

“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”

I looked up to see a stranger

Someone I’d never met before

Looking more like a walrus than a man

A pear-shaped man-mountain

And with a long drooping ‘tache

His wet sorrowful eyes pleading

“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”

 

“Why, what’s up?” I asked

“Toothache”

“Toothache?”

“Aye.. Friggin’ toothache”

“Bleedin’ thing’s giyin’ mi gyp”

 

“Oh” I said

“Aye” he said

“So, will thy ‘elp us then Cocker”

“How?”

“Knock the bleedin’ thing out for us”

“How?”

 

He produced a piece of wood

Which he’d whittled to resemble an oversized tent-peg

“Wi’ this” he said

Showing me the peg

“I’ll hold it on mi dodgy tooth”

“And you ‘it it wi’ this”

He handed me a rusty old ball-pein hammer

“What?”

“I’ll hold it on mi dodgy tooth, and you ‘it it wi this”

“No…. sorry but I can’t do that”

“I’m pleadin’ wi’ thi Cocker”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes”

 

He held the peg on the offending tooth

And through gritted teeth

Hissed

“Hit it”

 

I hesitated

I was only a scrawny little lad

A David to his Goliath

It didn’t seem right

Hitting someone in the mouth

With a ball-pein hammer

“Hit it” he hissed

Reluctantly I drew back my arm

And gave the peg a good solid clout

 

He never flinched

His head never moved on his thick solid neck

His sad watery eyes never blinked

 

He moved his tongue round

Inside his mouth

Inspecting the inside of each tooth

Expecting to find a gap

 

I shrivelled beneath the look of disappointment

When he realised I’d failed

 

“Y’ bloody fairy” he said

“An’t thy ‘ad y’ porridge t’day?”

“Tha’s got t’ proper bray it”

“Nar… try again”

“Only this time”

“Imagine it’s Thatcher that tha’s brayin’”

 

I drew my arm back a second time

Less reluctantly this time

And struck the peg for all I was worth

Seven stone of nothingness

But with grit and determination

Sending the walrus-man skittling across the floor

 

He landed in a heap

Blood cascading over his slack jaw

And I feared for what he’d do to me

For giving him such a clout

 

There was no need to fear

He smiled

Before spitting a manky tooth across the room

 

Again he moved his tongue round

Inside his mouth

This time he found a gap

 

“Bloody hell Cocker”

“Wrong tooth”