The Walrus-man's Tooth


The Walrus-man’s Tooth


“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”

I looked up to see a stranger

Someone I’d never met before

Looking more like a walrus than a man

A pear-shaped man-mountain

And with a long drooping ‘tache

His wet sorrowful eyes pleading

“Can thy ‘elp us Cocker?”


“Why, what’s up?” I asked



“Aye.. Friggin’ toothache”

“Bleedin’ thing’s giyin’ mi gyp”


“Oh” I said

“Aye” he said

“So, will thy ‘elp us then Cocker”


“Knock the bleedin’ thing out for us”



He produced a piece of wood

Which he’d whittled to resemble an oversized tent-peg

“Wi’ this” he said

Showing me the peg

“I’ll hold it on mi dodgy tooth”

“And you ‘it it wi’ this”

He handed me a rusty old ball-pein hammer


“I’ll hold it on mi dodgy tooth, and you ‘it it wi this”

“No…. sorry but I can’t do that”

“I’m pleadin’ wi’ thi Cocker”

“Are you sure?”



He held the peg on the offending tooth

And through gritted teeth


“Hit it”


I hesitated

I was only a scrawny little lad

A David to his Goliath

It didn’t seem right

Hitting someone in the mouth

With a ball-pein hammer

“Hit it” he hissed

Reluctantly I drew back my arm

And gave the peg a good solid clout


He never flinched

His head never moved on his thick solid neck

His sad watery eyes never blinked


He moved his tongue round

Inside his mouth

Inspecting the inside of each tooth

Expecting to find a gap


I shrivelled beneath the look of disappointment

When he realised I’d failed


“Y’ bloody fairy” he said

“An’t thy ‘ad y’ porridge t’day?”

“Tha’s got t’ proper bray it”

“Nar… try again”

“Only this time”

“Imagine it’s Thatcher that tha’s brayin’”


I drew my arm back a second time

Less reluctantly this time

And struck the peg for all I was worth

Seven stone of nothingness

But with grit and determination

Sending the walrus-man skittling across the floor


He landed in a heap

Blood cascading over his slack jaw

And I feared for what he’d do to me

For giving him such a clout


There was no need to fear

He smiled

Before spitting a manky tooth across the room


Again he moved his tongue round

Inside his mouth

This time he found a gap


“Bloody hell Cocker”

“Wrong tooth”






◄ Hit The Biggest First (a sesquel to The Ingrates)

You just can't polish a turd ►


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kJ Walker

Sat 11th Jul 2020 08:49

I did knock out the wrong tooth, but he held the peg. I just hit the peg. He asked me to try again, but I had no stomach for it.

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Paul Sayer

Sat 11th Jul 2020 08:41

Poetry of the very best kind.

I loved Brians comment. He sounded like an apeman as much as the Walrus man Kev.

Did you really knock out the wrong tooth?

That is even funnier than the poem. LOL

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kJ Walker

Sat 11th Jul 2020 08:03

Thanks Nicola and Keith. I can still picture this man-mountain layed out on the floor after I'd clouted him

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keith jeffries

Mon 6th Jul 2020 20:06

Kevin, the beginning of this poem had me gripping the edges of my chair but finally roared with laughter. Another best. I salute you.

Nicola Beckett

Thu 25th Jun 2020 21:43

I was once knew a man who cried all the time behind closed doors

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kJ Walker

Wed 24th Jun 2020 21:01

Thanks everyone. This is a true story from when I was a young apprentice lad in the seventies.

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Brian Maryon

Wed 24th Jun 2020 20:46

Goo googa joob

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Shifa Maqba

Wed 24th Jun 2020 11:10


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Kevin T.S. Tan

Wed 24th Jun 2020 08:44


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John Coopey

Wed 24th Jun 2020 08:23

Fabulous characterisation of the Walrus Man.

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