The Devil Came To Grimstone Low

 

Granny Slugshaw was sat on her back doorstep

Plucking chickens… For next Sat’day’s tea

When who should turn up, but Old Nick himsen

He was after her soul… don’t you see

 

Ordinarily, when he’s on a mission like this

He’d appear in human form

And masquerade as an everyday man

To deceive and act as the norm

 

But Granny was such a wily old crone

That he knew she’d see through his disguise

So he appeared as himsen.. with horns and the lot

Pointed tail and big bulbous eyes

 

He had skin as red as an overripe berry

His chin was pointed… and

He’d a beard as black as a coalbunker raven

As he stood there… trident in hand

 

He said

“I was watchin’ thi then… pluckin’ yur chickens”

“And tha’s turned it into an art”

“If they ‘anded out prizes… for just pluckin’ chickens”

“You’d rip yur opponents apart”

 

She said

“Actually you’ll find that there is such a prize”

“And your talkin’ to t’reignin’ world champion”

“If t’Olympic committee were t’ call it a sport”

“I’m sure that I’d be an Olympian

 

The Devil knew how to suck Granny in

Cos he’d studied the whole of humanity

And he knew how to tickle her ego

As he teased her, and played to her vanity

 

And now that he’d got her on-side

He moved on..  to achieving his goal

The reason why he’d come to Grimstone

He set about stealing her soul

 

 He said

“You might be t’champion o’ world up ‘ere”

“But the underworld champion is me”

“So I’m chuckin’ thi down mi gauntlet”

“Cos I think that I’m better than thee”

 

“I’ve come ‘ere t’ mek thee a bargain” he said

“Cos I’ve seen how play life’s roulette”

 “Well.. tha’ll never get odds like these in the bookies”

 “And I know that tha’s keen on a bet”

 

He said

“How about a contest”

“To defend that title of thine”

“If tha wins….I’ll grant thee yur every desire”

“But if tha loses…. yur soul’ll be mine”

 

Now Granny should’a known better

Cos to play with the devil’s a sin

But she accepted his satanic challenge

So sure that she was gonna win

 

They decided to play.. ten seconds each way

And that the Devil was gunna go first

But he was the devil.. so he didn’t play fair

It was tricky played at its worst

 

He used sleight of hand and legerdemain*        *conjuring

Thaumaturgy*, magic and cheating                    *miracle working

He plucked it, spatchcocked it and trimmed it

And prepared it for t’oven and heating

 

The Devil gave Granny a victorious look

He felt so assured that he’d won

But Granny was havin’ none of it

She said “Gi’ mi some elbow-space son”

 

Granny’s hands were as fast as bee’s wings

They were nowt but a blur and a hum

She plucked it, stuffed it, turned its giblets to gravy

And shoved its feet up its own bum

 

The Devil knew that he had lost

So he bowed his horny head

It stuck in his throat..  accepting defeat

But he turned to old Granny and said

 

“I’d have t’ doff mi hat t’ thi”

“If I had an hat t’ doff”

“And I’ll grant thi any wish that tha wants”

She said “I wish that.. tha’d just bugger off”