The Saga Of Cnut Slugshaw

 

 

 

The Saga Of Cnut Slugshaw  

 

It was over a thousand years ago

In the year nine-seventy one

When a dragon-headed Viking ship

Came sailing up the Don

 

And at the helm was Ragnar Slugshaw

That infamous Viking brute

Who’d brought along his little brother

The lad they called Cnut

 

Cnut was quite an ‘andsome lad

But naïve, with an un-blooded sword

For this was his maiden outing

The first time that he’d left their fjord

 

The last words their mother said to Ragnar

As they left that far-away land

Were “look after your little brother”

“Take care, and hold on to his hand”

 

But Cnut was tenacious and headstrong

Seeking glory above all other

He wouldn’t listen to Òðin, nor Thor

And certainly not to his brother

 

Grymsteinn was an easy site to raid

An undefended village

An ideal place to first-blood his sword

A dead easy hamlet to pillage

 

Cnut was chomping at the bit      

He’d a reputation to make

He couldn’t wait to plunder and pillage

For himsen, and for Òðin’s sake

 

“Hang tight a moment” said Ragnar

While he looked for somewhere to park

But it was market day, and the best spots were taken

By every man and his ark

 

The only spots left were disabled bays

And whether you believe it or not

It’s an unwritten rule among Vikings

They’ll not park in a disabled spot

 

So he moored his ship upstream a bit

Where the banks were claggy with sludge

And they had to wade the last ten yards

Then suffer an uphill trudge

 

But the bank was too boggy for poor Cnut

He sank in the mud, and he died

His un-blooded sword fixed firm in his hand

And his battle-axe strapped to his side

 

So would he get to see Valhalla?

Had he suffered a warrior’s death?

His fate was now in the hands of the gods

As the mud took his very last breath

 

Perhaps it was Loki, up to his tricks

Or had Thor took control of his fate

For instead of letting him see Valhalla

They just played a trick with the date

 

They’d brought him back to the self-same spot

But a thousand years further on

Cnut just assumed that he’d reached Valhalla

But it was nineteen-seventy-one 

 

A lot had changed in Grymsteinn since then

Or Grimstone, as it was now called

Cnut took up his sword, and his battle-axe

And went looking for Òðin’s Great Hall

 

And he came to a pub called the Feathers

Which he assumed was Valhalla itsen

So he stripped himsen down to his fighting thong

And he entered that treacherous den

 

“Tha can’t come in ‘ere dressed like that” said the bouncer

“Or…. should I say undressed more like”

“We’ve a dress-code, and thy ‘asn’t met it”

“So ‘op it….. On yer bike”

 

He din’t even know what a bike was

So he argued “But I’m Cnut!”

“Aye, I can see that” said the bouncer

“And that’s why I told thi t’ scoot”

 

The bouncer kicked him out, and dumped him

Unceremoniously out on the grass

It surprised a woman, walking by

To see a Viking lad… sat on his ass

 

It was Gladys Thrupp… the former stunner

And in case you need a reminder

She no longer worked in the abattoir

Her stunning days were behind her

 

She eyed the mighty Viking lad

Semi-naked, and covered in tattoos

And thought, in for a penny, in for a pound

What have I got to lose?

 

He had a tattoo of a dragon on each arm

On his chest he had one more

But what really impressed Gladys was

He had one draggin’ on the floor

 

She looked him up and down a bit

And said “Are you comin, back t’ mine”

You may not see Valhalla

But I’ll show thi a bloody good time

◄ Paddy Put Poor Peggy Back On The Game

Comments

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kJ Walker

Fri 27th Mar 2020 07:51

Thanks M.C &Jennifer.
Your comments & support mean more to me than you can imagine

Cheers Kevin

jennifer Malden

Thu 26th Mar 2020 19:12

Love your stories Kj- put one in a good mood for the rest of the day!

Jennifer

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M.C. Newberry

Thu 26th Mar 2020 14:35

Talent in abundance for the pleasure of those who love a good laugh
via the sort of style that Stanley Holloway made famous and which
finds a worthy successor here.

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kJ Walker

Wed 25th Mar 2020 18:28

Thanks everyone for your kind comments.

Po... I'm seriously considering making some audios. I'll let you know if I ever get round to it.

Brian.. glad it set you up

Keith.. you are too kind. I'm pleased to have brightened up your day.

Thanks again Jason.. I do have ambitions to bring out a book, I'm just looking for the right deal. I'll keep you updated if it ever happens

Cheers Kevin

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Jason Bayliss

Wed 25th Mar 2020 17:17

Bout time you released a book of these, they're bloody marvelous!😁😁😂

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keith jeffries

Wed 25th Mar 2020 08:45

Kevin,


You never cease to amaze me with your imaginative skills, poetic rhyming and fabulous humour. Another poem for your portfolio. I await the book. Your talent has no equal on this site when it comes to this particular genre.

Thank you indeed for this as it has brightened up my day.

Keith

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Brian Maryon

Wed 25th Mar 2020 08:09

That has set me up for the day Kage

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poemagraphic

Wed 25th Mar 2020 07:11

OMG!

kj This is just screaming out to be a sound bite.

I love this and did not want it to end.
Po

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