cheers gents appreciated no harm done ;-)
i think in my ignorance and in my experience what i have encountered has always been longer and in the past until recently as said on the whole i struggled to flesh out peices i was writing.

many thanks again all who have commented

Comment is about The Scream (blog)

Original item by alan barlow

Cool, taking your title from an archetype.

Still think you'd have more of a challenge writing something less stereotypical.

Jump out of your groove and write furiously greenly.

:-)

jx

Comment is about Colourless Green Ideas Sleep Furiously (blog)

Original item by Marianne Daniels

Obviously a deeply personal 'feelings' type poem. I really don't want to critique it too much, because I fear it may dispirit you and put you off working on it to improve it. Once again, there is a fabulous poem here just bursting to be released (as so many on WOL seem to be) and, for me, the key is in the editing. It is what's left out that will bring this to life...

Too many words!

the first two lines...

'As I stand in isolation

Twisted in my anguish'

What's wrong with

'I twist in anguished isolation'

Half the words...twice the punch!


This could be half as long...and twice as good.

Just my, humble opinion.

:-)

Jx

Comment is about The Scream (blog)

Original item by alan barlow

very good effort behind this poem Alan(the picture happens to resemble someone not too far away-and thats on a good day)-MOi!-lol!

Comment is about The Scream (blog)

Original item by alan barlow

good luck Charlene! look forward to your return very much-in the meantime we will be keeping our fingers x,d for you(a very nice friendly posting for which I thank you)Stef.xx

Comment is about Just a message (not a poem) (blog)

This is lovely, Rachel. 'with every savoured tick-tock of the clock' is superb.

Comment is about Child's perspective (blog)

haha! very good Dave-give you two guesses as to what is coming down now in-theres NOT lovely for you boyo land-an absolute deluge! ah well,better than the white stuff-thanks D.D...regardo,s..S.W.

Comment is about Dave Dunn (poet profile)

Original item by Dave Dunn

Im sorry Cynthia to be so obscure but I have put a brief intro beside the title albeit I know its not a lot of help.


Thank you Ann and Cynthia for your comments.

Love ya ta bits.

Gus xx

Comment is about Wave Over Wave (To the memory of a very good friend of mine that I never met) (blog)

Original item by Gus Jonsson

I can hear Ronnie Barker saying this.

Comment is about A Man Walked Into A Room (blog)

Original item by John Togher

firstly thankyou appreciated.

i did this early last year and im relatively happy with it but im also relatively new to the craft and have very recently taken to trying write less for it to provide more with a punchy style, being as yes i realise i can get lost in descriptives quite easily.

thankyou again for the advice i will be sure to attempt to incorporate your wisdom and look forward to hearing more from you

Comment is about The Scream (blog)

Original item by alan barlow

Very funny and well-written. Doing a 'take' on extended characters is always super fun. I did get that 'no place like home' is likely self-realization; I must be wide awake tonight.

Comment is about click click click (blog)

Original item by Shoeless Carole

Loved this Ann.
Did I ever tell you that I entered a Marathon once but the peanuts.....

Comment is about chocolate (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

a vampress cynthia but not a happy one ;-)

Comment is about Torn (blog)

Original item by alan barlow

This is very good. 'former glorious glamaor' really sparkles. I love the photo too. Is it De Haviland? I do recognize the famous profile, from the 1930's maybe, but not sure of the name. Eyebrows nearly to her earlobes.

Comment is about Vintage Heart (blog)

Oh, just love this, Ann, right up my street... um, no pun intended! xx

Comment is about chocolate (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

A foraging animal? The 'cat' complex? The much-maligned 'serpent'? Metamorphosis of Evil in general? Any chance of hearing the author's intent?

Comment is about Torn (blog)

Original item by alan barlow

I really enjoyed this poem, Ann. :)

Laura, I think you mean Charlie Dimmock?

Comment is about sarah beaney (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Alan, I do like this. You have enjoyed the picture. IMO, the 'anguish' would be better served with fewer words, a minimalist approach of imagery and feelings, metaphors rather than similes, perhaps more in keeping with the stark modernism of the painting. I'm presuming you know what I mean; if not, just ask. I comment always with respect for the original work.

Comment is about The Scream (blog)

Original item by alan barlow

thanks for your comments , i think this poem was inspired by rachaels time machine poem , although it took me a night to realise that . yes all those things i suppose isobel , and laura :) although i have always been fairly unintoxicated, i have pursued other pleasures with remarkable vigour . i might struggle to explain that i mean there is 'no place' like home , that home is now within me ? prapps mebee ?

Comment is about click click click (blog)

Original item by Shoeless Carole

I get a little lost in meaning here, but the mood and the sounds of the rolling words are lovely, which can be enough in themselves. I do like 'searching salt raw edges of the sea' and 'his eyes rare deepest oceans come the night'. They recite splendidly.

Comment is about Wave Over Wave (To the memory of a very good friend of mine that I never met) (blog)

Original item by Gus Jonsson

Hi Ann, lovely to hear from you! My tootsie is quite a bit better now, thank you, I finally returned to work this week. Fortunately, my new anti-virus thingy has sorted things out for me, so no more trojan horses! I've only written one poem since Christmas and that was about the trojan horse... Hope you are enjoying a good start to the new year, Ann xx

Comment is about Ann Foxglove (poet profile)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Re; Below the Belt - Les Dawson yes indeed saw him live at the Double Diamond in Cardiff once an absolute hoot - thanks for getting in touch Laura - appreciated

Comment is about Laura Taylor (poet profile)

Original item by Laura Taylor

I only learned recently that Michael Fish fought in The Cod War.

Comment is about Donkey Jacket (blog)

Hey! Great to see that you're back! How's the tootsies? (Or is it tootsie) Hope you haven't had any more of those trojan horse thingys! xx

Comment is about Lynn Dye (poet profile)

Original item by Lynn Dye

I like this a lot. And agree with Steve, a smashing title!

Comment is about Vintage Heart (blog)

Mmm, lovely! I can smell the sea! Or is it just me dinner cooking! "Laying his lonely angel sleeping" my fave line. I DO like your style.

Comment is about Wave Over Wave (To the memory of a very good friend of mine that I never met) (blog)

Original item by Gus Jonsson

Derrrr - you're right - I'm generalising again - those patterns just applied to an awful lot of people I've known. Perhaps that's because they are conformists without realising it. I won't get onto biological driving factors....

Comment is about click click click (blog)

Original item by Shoeless Carole

Laura - you don't mean Christine Walkden do you ?
now she's a tasty bird - plenty'o meat on that one :D

Comment is about sarah beaney (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

she can come round & sort out my little erection anytime :)

Comment is about sarah beaney (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

good un, enjoyed

Comment is about Donkey Jacket (blog)

Spanish Civil War, eh ?
- takes AllSorts :D (sorry for both)

Comment is about Donkey Jacket (blog)

ray - Love it! - excellent. B

yes, Steve - Michael Foot - a leg end in his own lifetime

Comment is about Donkey Jacket (blog)

thanks for the comment in what sense would you say out of interest please ? choice of diction per chance ? apocalyptic ?
cheers again al

Comment is about Torn (blog)

Original item by alan barlow

Speak for yourself Isobel! When I were a young lass, my driving needs amounted to finding/stealing enough money for drugs and booze ;D

One of my all time fave films that though shoeless, think we've talked about this. I was, and still am, entranced by those shoes...

Comment is about click click click (blog)

Original item by Shoeless Carole

I always quite liked that gardening bird...what was her name? Never wore a bra, all outdoorsy looking and football studs for nipples...

Comment is about sarah beaney (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

'festered' - one of my favourite words, that :D

I really like this - love the 'oh you' changes of meaning, and 'I'll love my hate until then tight' line

Comment is about Colourless Green Ideas Sleep Furiously (blog)

Original item by Marianne Daniels

Indeed I am (well 3 poems!), thanks for your kind regards, see you soonxxx

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

Hi Steve - sorry to hear you can't make it - tho I can well understand. Give my regards to your wife and wish her a speedy recovery. You must be stashing up loads of poetry to read at the next one!
Isobel x

Comment is about Stephen Pass (poet profile)

Original item by Stephen Pass

I agree with you about the quality of an old fiddle but we have strayed from the topic.

Comment is about Rzhepick (blog)

Original item by Larisa Rzhepishevska

Hi Isobel, Hope you are doing well and had a great Xmas and New Year. Sorry I can't get along tonight - my wife had an op on her elbow just after Xmas and she is getting better but is still not 100 per cent so I can't make it tonight. I was looking forward to getting along after missing December's so I really hope to make it next month. Hope it is a good night and hope to see you in Feb, take carexxx

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

thankyou Andy :)
Ray, your advice has helped me improve the poem, thank you kindly :) x

Comment is about Child's perspective (blog)

LARISA - you know what they say... "NEVER MIND THE QUALITY - FEEL THE WIDTH"
and "THERE'S MANY A FINE TUNE PLAYED ON AN OLD FIDDLE" ;)

Comment is about Rzhepick (blog)

Original item by Larisa Rzhepishevska

Has a lot of charm.
When tall people break promises

towers of disappointment rise up,

That's good, I think and I like The Literature Hour.
I think you could lose fluidly and unaware from first verse.

Unwished for lessons arrive in punctual lines.

Would "on punctual lines" be better? Like trains?

Comment is about Child's perspective (blog)

For Banksy: Big Bertha is too old and can't shoot.

Comment is about Rzhepick (blog)

Original item by Larisa Rzhepishevska

One I can appreciate on a number of levels. There are a lot of things driving a younger woman. Need to have a career (sometimes), need to have family (preceeded by need to find a partner), need to build a home etc etc.Once you've been there and done all that, it is kind of nice to sit back and think phew - there are benefits to being unpressured. I would agree also, that there is no place like home.

I love the metaphors used. Would disagree on just one point. Keep the sparkly shoes - for middle age doesn't have to equate to invisibility :)

Comment is about click click click (blog)

Original item by Shoeless Carole

Mind you, that Kevin McCloud's a bit of alright! ;-)

Comment is about sarah beaney (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

good morning Dave-don,t fall over in shock,but its actually stopped raining in the Rhondda!-best of em to you-Stef.

Comment is about Dave Dunn (poet profile)

Original item by Dave Dunn

Thankyou for the comments folks, I am happy with what rachel and steve have got from it - think both sentiments are true.

erm, john, don't think i write just about dissolute alienation...i think i tend to hang around ideas of loss and nostalgia and memory alot because its beautiful, some times these feelings are stifling and sometimes liberating and we all experience this, and yeah sure I am quite melancholic but I like to think I stretch myself quite alot...I find beauty in many a place and personality in the inanimate too...ha! look at me, getting on my high horse (probably due to all that stretching), I'm not taking offence, thankyou for your comment and I am happy that you enjoyed!! ;-)

Comment is about Generation T(shirt) (blog)

Original item by Marianne Daniels

didn't realise it was a Haiku this Dave until second reading which is typical me - lol but still like it..

Comment is about When is the ground? (blog)

Original item by Dave Bradley

i'm the same as Marianne here.. this defo has a Paul Auster feel to it, although i am not sure if i am honest it needs the last stanza as i think i prefer the ending without it..

Comment is about A Man Walked Into A Room (blog)

Original item by John Togher