The Scream

entry picture

 

As I stand in isolation

Twisted in my anguish

My body contorts with the horrors

Taking over my mind

My hands cup my pulsating head

As if to stop it bursting

Face painted in blatant agitation

Eyes stained with terror

 

Lost am I

In my sea of blackened abandon

Clawing tendrils of water

Sting my furrowed brow

 

The ravenous seas seem to feed on my anxiety

Scything into the creaking wood beneath

Bettering the trust in my wooden perch

Skies like fire scorch down in vengeance

Swirling heavens like vultures above

 

Throughout my psychosis the reaper creeps

Doubling in number with every step

The rank smell of death sailing on rapier winds

Burning skies, black watery dominion

Cataclysm 

◄ Torn

She ►

Comments

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Andy N

Fri 14th Jan 2011 08:04

i'm in the same boat as john here, alan as there is a lot of good stuff in here, but it does feel a bit heavy for me with all of the ideas you are trying to get out, but i enjoyed it and wish you good luck if you want to re-edit it..

Janet Ramsden

Fri 14th Jan 2011 01:22

I enjoyed reading this. The last two verses are brill in my opinion. Some really good lines in there :-)

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alan barlow

Thu 13th Jan 2011 20:47

cheers gents appreciated no harm done ;-)
i think in my ignorance and in my experience what i have encountered has always been longer and in the past until recently as said on the whole i struggled to flesh out peices i was writing.

many thanks again all who have commented

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John Aikman

Thu 13th Jan 2011 20:28

Obviously a deeply personal 'feelings' type poem. I really don't want to critique it too much, because I fear it may dispirit you and put you off working on it to improve it. Once again, there is a fabulous poem here just bursting to be released (as so many on WOL seem to be) and, for me, the key is in the editing. It is what's left out that will bring this to life...

Too many words!

the first two lines...

'As I stand in isolation

Twisted in my anguish'

What's wrong with

'I twist in anguished isolation'

Half the words...twice the punch!


This could be half as long...and twice as good.

Just my, humble opinion.

:-)

Jx

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Thu 13th Jan 2011 20:11

very good effort behind this poem Alan(the picture happens to resemble someone not too far away-and thats on a good day)-MOi!-lol!

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alan barlow

Thu 13th Jan 2011 19:49

firstly thankyou appreciated.

i did this early last year and im relatively happy with it but im also relatively new to the craft and have very recently taken to trying write less for it to provide more with a punchy style, being as yes i realise i can get lost in descriptives quite easily.

thankyou again for the advice i will be sure to attempt to incorporate your wisdom and look forward to hearing more from you

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Thu 13th Jan 2011 19:20

Alan, I do like this. You have enjoyed the picture. IMO, the 'anguish' would be better served with fewer words, a minimalist approach of imagery and feelings, metaphors rather than similes, perhaps more in keeping with the stark modernism of the painting. I'm presuming you know what I mean; if not, just ask. I comment always with respect for the original work.

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