I bought me a half set of golf clubs

A putter, five irons and a driver

You can get some good stuff at the Boot Sale

They cost me nigh on a fiver!

 

I fancied a round at the Golf Club

Then luckily I remembered

My two golfing buddies, Colin and Glen,

Are both Committee Members.

 

It’d rained on and off that morning

You needed the clothing that suits

So I thought as I’d make the effort

And put on my Wellington boots.

 

We met on the tee bright and early

Each wheeled their clubs on a cart

Mine were all slung in a kit-bag

Not an auspicious start.

 

I wellied like a gorilla

It rocketed – but here’s the rub

It went 30 yards but it didn’t go

As far as the clod or the club.

 

When I’d finished doing the gardening

Replacing a divot or two

I glanced back towards the first tee

To see the gathering queue.

 

Colin and Glen had walked miles away

Each getting on with their game

Or so I thought – but actually

They were hiding their faces in shame.

 

And thus the round continued

Through bunker, through woods and in gorse

They marched direct from tee to green

I zig-zagged my way up the course.

 

My disregard for etiquette

Resulted in one or two brawls

The round cost me £12.50

My sand wedge and 13 lost balls.

 

Besides these balls I’d also lost

By 87 strokes

I’d also lost the friendship

Of two good golfing blokes.

 

It’s Sunday soon this week-end

(You often find that it is!)

Which means it’s Sunday Market

More dross commodities.

 

My interest will be golfing goods

For sporting clientele

One putter, five irons and a driver

But not to buy – to sell!