IF THEY COME
A re-post about a time when we had proper invasions.
Will they come through the darkness? Will they come?
Or screaming with the dawning of the sun?
Is it time to fire the beacon
Lest men’s resolve should weaken?
Should we tell the boy to beat the battle drum?
Does that eastern glow mean Jarrow’s over-run
And presages the stinking Viking scum?
To visit us with thun...
Monday 27th March 2023 5:28 pm
IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL LIE IF I WANT TO
It’s my party
And I’ll lie if I want to
Lie if I want to
Lie if I want to
I’ll swear it’s true that I never knew.
Yes, there I was with a glass in my hand
The party hat hid round my back
We’d spun the bottle and then
I photocopied my crack.
It’s my party
And I’ll lie if I want to
Lie if I want to
Lie if I want to
I’ll swear it’s true that I never kn...
Thursday 23rd March 2023 9:47 pm
"SPEND! SPEND! SPEND!"
You may need to be of a certain age to recollect first hand this story.
For many huge wealth will define how they live
For some it’s a blessing, for some punitive;
This is the story of Castleford’s Viv
Who announced to the world she’d intend
To spend it; she’d “Spend! Spend! Spend!”
One word from the Gods is all that it takes
To rescue a waif from those Pontefract c...
Monday 20th March 2023 9:16 am
I’ve been reading Michael Simpkins’s “Fatty Batter”, charting his love affair with cricket from an early age. In it he makes the point that sport seems to bring out primeval instincts in otherwise placid men. The shyest and most mildly mannered of men (and I do here mean “men”) can transmogrify into Mr Hyde by playing and spectating sport.
Take Gunny for example (not his real name but close e...
Wednesday 15th March 2023 11:33 pm
MATCH OF THE DAY - CANCELLED
I turned my TV on last evening to watch Match of the Day
There were no commentators tating, much to my dismay;
I couldn’t recognise the players, they all looked much the same
So without the likes of Mottie it was only half a game.
And of course no Alan Shearer and neither Ian Wright
But the biggest miss was Lineker – the target of the Right;
He had spoken out of turn with hi...
Sunday 12th March 2023 2:17 pm
THE FANNY PIT
Go on! Admit it – I’ve caught you, haven’t I?
You were thinking this was another one of Coops’s from his lascivious stable.
In fact, the Fanny pit was a coalmine near Garforth, Leeds, which was closed many years ago. It was one of two, the other being, I believe, called Primrose pit, which, when they were sunk, the coalowner named after his two daughters.
Shame on you!
Be more carefu...
Friday 10th March 2023 3:36 pm
INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY
It's today. My piece in support of the sisterhood. I never feel as though I've quite "grounded" it. Let me know what you think.
Raise your voices; have your say!
International Women’s Day.
Banish weakness. Let’s be strong.
Time to right what has been wrong.
Linking arms in sisterhood,
Pledged to Justice, pledged to Good.
Standing proud and standing tall,
The worth o...
Wednesday 8th March 2023 2:04 pm
INTERNATIONAL BUGGER-ALL DAY
It won’t have escaped the notice of those of you predisposed to commemorate such things that on March 8th it will be International Women’s Day. What you may not be aware of is that according to the website “National Day Calendar” IWD is one of 47 (yes, 47!) other World/International Days in March.
If you are so inclined you can participate in and celebrate (among others) :-International...
Sunday 5th March 2023 9:43 pm
"NOT A FUCKING CLUE"
This occurred to me some years ago and hasn’t got any better since.
We were on holiday somewhere mooching around some pretty coastal town on the south coast. For Our Gert this means looking in exactly the same shops she looks in at home – the likes of M&S and Primark, ie the same lookalikes that infest every town.
I, on the other hand having more cerebral tastes and will to steal away on my...
Friday 3rd March 2023 11:53 pm
Some Wetherspoons have started handing the tea bags to you over the counter.
Although I might lampoon
That icon Wetherspoon’s
Your second tea was always free
It’s something of a boon.
They’d charge you for the cup
Just once so you could sup
A second free or even three
You just kept filling up.
That went for coffee too
So what I tend to do
Was fill up...
Wednesday 1st March 2023 12:40 pm
ALWAYS MORE BREAD AND CHEESE
Of course it's shocking. These weren't holiday camps.
In the beginning it was so simple, all so easy. Then it amazed him that she would fuck for a small piece of bread and cheese.
For her, she did what she had to do. What guilt she had was not for prostituting herself but because she did not share with the other women, whom she saw becoming walking skeletons over a matter of weeks....
Monday 27th February 2023 9:07 pm
SLAVA UKRAINI : HEROYAM SLAVA
A re-posted villanelle from last year commemorating the one year anniversary of resistance. It means "All Glory to Ukraine: All Glory to the Heroes.
A thousand years will not expunge this stain
Nor sate the Devil’s craven appetite
All Glory to the People of Ukraine
He smiles as children speak their prayers in vain
And laughs as Death reaps Innocents in flight
Friday 24th February 2023 9:48 pm
WHAT A BLOODY NONSENSE!
This Roald Dahl thing I’m talking about.
It seems the Fascist Society of Woke Revisionists is concerned at the effect some of his language might have on the delicate sensibilities of our children.
And whilst I am delighted that through its good endeavours I shall no longer be considered “fat” but rather that I have achieved “positive secondary weight gain” and that no longer shall I have to ...
Wednesday 22nd February 2023 11:01 pm
I JUST LOVE MONDAYS
A re-post but Mondays are still as good.
The replacement hip Gives me some jip
And my Tens just overflowed
I need Deep Heat For arthritic feet
In winter when it’s snowed
And drivers reprimand me
For shuffling across the road
But I still have reason To enjoy each season
For the rest of the time I’m owed.
I’ll tell you why I Just love Mondays
I’ll tell you why I J...
Monday 20th February 2023 10:30 am
Three of us worked under Syd at the Coal Board – Blountie, Gilly and me. Blountie would have been in his early 30’s while Gilly and me were in our late 20’s. So Blountie was known as t’Owd Lad, while Gilly and me were t’Thin Lad and t’Fat Lad. And t’Owd Lad had rotten luck.
Shortly after the three of us split up to go our separate ways, I heard that his wife had died of cancer. She’d have...
Friday 10th February 2023 8:57 pm
SHAKESPEARE ON GENDER FLUIDITY
When shall we three meet again
The Isley Brothers, Bill and Jane?
From my birth I’ve been called Bill
Occasionally I feel male still,
Being born with cock and balls
I use the Gents when paying calls.
Sometimes though I don’t feel like him
That’s when I’m Jane with home-made quim
And when I’m in my lady mode
That’s when my nudger’s in the road.
At other ...
Wednesday 8th February 2023 8:36 pm
HARRY AND ME
I number among my proud achievements
That between us Harry Kane and I
Have scored 267 goals for Tottenham Hotspur
And together share the record number of goals
Scored for England of 53 with Wayne Rooney.
Monday 6th February 2023 4:40 pm
As I walked through West Haddlesey
I clocked a bloke an’ ‘e clocked me
I nodded and bid ‘im “Good Day”
But all the old git had to say
Wa’ “Naar Then!”
Then nowt more said as ‘e trudged by
I puzzled this confused reply;
Whilst not the greatest o’ life’s shocks
It seemed a perfect paradox.
A paradox is when two bits
O’ thought are polar opposites...
Friday 3rd February 2023 11:12 am
THE GENGHIS KHAN OF CAS
The first time that I saw him I heard his scooter beep
He made a big impression then which memory I shall keep.
I copped him outside Flavour’s (sic) (Apostrophe Abuse!
Grammatical precision here is played with fast and loose).
For this is downtown Castleford where orange Tigers prowl
And few here know the difference twixt consonant and vowel.
But thats another story (sic) so, hel...
Wednesday 1st February 2023 11:08 am
REGRETS? I'VE HAD A FEW
Mostly to do with upsetting people that matter to me – Our Gert and the kids. But they all predicate on two principles – things I’ve said or done which I shouldn’t have and things I haven’t said or done with I should have. But it might be a measure of my superficiality that my mind keeps returning to a school rugby match over 50 years ago.
I was playing as an open side flanker. They had a li...
Sunday 29th January 2023 12:34 pm
Something for Holocaust Memorial Day - but a different angle.
They took us near Vinnytsia in 1941
Supply lines long since severed, ammunition all but gone.
We numbered 97 boys, all from Podillia’s lands
They shot a half of us right then as we raised our hands.
They ordered us to strip our dead beneath that wintery sun
I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “What would you ...
Friday 27th January 2023 12:45 pm
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it on the box but the premise is a simple one – ostensibly. It is to turn the dating game on its head. Whereas conventionally a relationship starts with a first date, a coffee or a drink in a pub, perhaps followed by a trip to local Essoldo, a goodnight kiss etc and, if things go well, end up in bed, sometimes with a loved and lifelong partner.
In Naked Attrac...
Wednesday 25th January 2023 7:35 pm
Zahawi, oh, oh!
He’s Sorry; Oh, oh, oh, oh!
So please, you must understand
It’s not something that I planned;
And now I’ve paid back
All my outstanding tax,
A careless and small oversight;
I tried to keep hid
The five million quid I was light;
And as per the laws
There were penalty clauses. Oh, shite!
I ran the country’s Exchequer
We caught ...
Monday 23rd January 2023 7:05 pm
SO FAR AND YET SO NEAR
Believe me if you want to or ignore me if you don’t
It will not fuss me either way; I tell you, chums, it won’t.
It’s a story of a spectacle I witnessed once in France
About a shagging couple whom we happened on by chance.
We’d gone out “birding” in the woods, the wife’s old man and me
And both had binoculars, enhancing what we’d see.
We’d spotted Milan Noirs et Busards circ...
Sunday 22nd January 2023 8:10 pm
OH, THE PAIN
I was given three choices by the dentist
1 have it extracted
2 live with it and run the risk of its infection spreading
3 root canal treatment costing hundreds of pounds
You won’t be surprised to learn I discounted No. 3 quicksticks.
So today I went back for the extraction.
It’s been over 50 years since I last had an extraction and I can tell you in those days dentists were bu...
Friday 20th January 2023 2:12 pm
FREE TOMMY LEE ROYCE
There never was such injustice
To torture an innocent soul
As that dealt out by the Halifax bitch
Whose heart is as black as kohl.
For she struts abroad in her manor
Bathing in Virtue and Good
While he seethes alone with his daemons
Child-like and misunderstood.
But Hope is never abandoned
If we all rise with one voice
And shout from our streets and the hill...
Tuesday 17th January 2023 6:14 pm
My 91 year old mother-in-law lies in a Stroke Rehab Unit at the moment. Three years ago she was ballroom dancing and doing countryside walks. Five years ago she was playing tennis. Yesterday was her birthday. She is a shell of who she used to be.
A student nurse feeds Rosie a meal she didn’t choose
But Rosie’s thoughts are far away; she’s at The Moulin Rouge.
A chorus girl and da...
Sunday 15th January 2023 7:33 pm
THE GENIUS OF THE KIT KAT
Let me say from the off that the Kit Kat Chunky is without peer as my favourite bar of chocolate. And I’m not alone in this view. Kit Kat is the 2nd best selling chocolate bar in the world. But let me add that I am hugely impressed by the skill of Nestle in achieving this with not very much.
I’ll explain, shall I? Everyone will realise the cleverness of putting a hole in a Polo mint and, wh...
Friday 13th January 2023 4:03 pm
Aficianados may have noticed a passing resemblance to Elvis Presley's "Teddy Bear"
I don’t wanna be your oven ready Spare
The place I fill
Is after Will
To be the country’s heir
Don’t wanna be your ready Spare.
Don’t wanna be a royal
In Camilla’s crew
I say that I want out
But also have my cake
And eat it too.
The book sales they will make me a mu...
Tuesday 10th January 2023 9:40 pm
THE WATERSPLASH FINAL
The Challenge Cup Final of May ‘68
Is etched in my memory from that fateful date
Affording the chance for the Good to be Great
For some though the memory mocks
None more so than Wakey’s Don Fox.
For those unfamiliar this was the scene
The climax of which was the best ever seen
An epic Cup Final contested between
West Yorkshire’s top pedigree breeds
The pride of Wake...
Sunday 8th January 2023 10:41 pm
THREE LITTLE LETTERS
Three little letters
Each on its own benign
November, Delta, Romeo
Short and anodyne.
But once in combination
In your heart strike fear
And three that you will never
Ever want to hear.
Three letters that will haunt you
You’ll bear for life the scar
In memory of the time they asked
Your views on DNR.
Saturday 7th January 2023 11:42 am
"Front or Back, Sir?"
I’m a long time out of it now, so whether modern-day woke-ism has overtaken it or not, I really don’t know.
But 50 years ago when I was an exceptionally mediocre rugby player post-match entertainment would be described at its kindest as “laddist”.
In those days even top tier rugby union at the international level wasn’t professional. In the sport’s bargain basement where I wore my boots not...
Wednesday 4th January 2023 11:17 pm
ROLLING IN THE DEEP (HORNSEA NEW YEAR SWIM)
(I'm sure Adele would like to team up with a singing talent like me!)
There’s a fire burning in my hearth
It’s warm there and it’s cosy – no need for gloves or scarf
But I must be demented and not right in the head
Or easily persuaded – I’m on the beach instead.
The wind it is howling and the waves are pounding in
My toe dips in the North Sea – it’s time I must begin...
Monday 2nd January 2023 7:19 pm
Graham Sherwood on People Like Us
1 hour ago
Jack Roberts on Grammar Police
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john short on Barter Books, Alnwick
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Clare on People Like Us
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John Coopey on IF THEY COME
4 hours ago
Uilleam Ó Ceallaigh on Barter Books, Alnwick
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Graham Sherwood on Barter Books, Alnwick
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keith jeffries on Doing
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keith jeffries on Hunger Pangs
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keith jeffries on Barter Books, Alnwick
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