I vaguely recollect a story, maybe from the Bible, about a son and his father. The nub of it was the two occasions the son had cried when his father had hit him. The first time was when he was a child and because it hurt. The second time was when he was a young man and it didn’t, signifying that his father was now weak and dying.
I have a personal recollection which mirrors this.
I can’t ...
Monday 23rd May 2022 1:07 pm
A thousand years will not expunge this stain
Nor sate the Devil’s craven appetite
All Glory to the People of Ukraine
He smiles as children speak their prayers in vain
And laughs as Death reaps Innocents in flight
A thousand years will not expunge this stain
Lamenting in excruciating pain
As only mothers, daughters or wives might
All Glory to the Women of Ukraine...
Thursday 12th May 2022 4:08 pm
I've often heard Facebook described as an echo chamber. But a better description by Stephen Fry is a "lavatory wall".
My intellect’s mapped out on Face Book
My wisdom, opinion and wit
In time to be thought of a Bible
The Great Works of Coopey as Writ.
I started my scholarship early
By scribbling on lavatory walls
Some say that I haven’t developed that much
Sunday 8th May 2022 10:33 pm
The kids bought me a year's subscription to Ancestry for my 70th birthday earlier this week. (I know what you're thinking; you're thinking "Surely not!"). I've spent a few happy hours researching my ancestry and I thought I'd post this poem about the night my grandma died. Sarah Ann Hallam (1886-1970).
My mother was with her the night she died.
She’d sat a vigil in turn with her ...
Thursday 5th May 2022 5:18 pm
I thought I could afford her by mail order – she’s my Living Doll
I got the mag to send me bendy Wendy – their best Blow-Up Doll
She’s a gummy granny with a fanny and a real bum-hole
She’s my fornicating and fellating Blow-Up Doll.
I thought I’d better line her sweet vagina back at our hotel
But I overdid the lube with three full tubes of KY gel
When I went to grope she shot...
Sunday 1st May 2022 3:38 pm
We’re hoping to see you returning again
To give us your hard-earned bunce
So make sure that you gamble responsibly though
Don’t lose all your outlay at once.
The last thing we want for our business
Is a punter that goes to the wall
Depleting our customer numbers
And not good for cash-flow at all.
Our public position is “Take Control”
And “Gamble Responsibly” to...
Tuesday 26th April 2022 4:33 pm
“Yes. Can I help you?”
“Certainly, sir. Would you mind stepping this way”
“I’m not with you. What for?”
“It would be in your best interests to come quietly, sir. We wouldn’t want to have to use the cuffs”
“Cuffs!? What am I supposed to have done?”
“I’m afraid there’s been a complaint”
“About me ? What complaint?”
“You are the John Coopey that posts on a ...
Sunday 24th April 2022 7:19 am
A re-vamp of a George Formby classic tailored for Goole Open Mic next month.
Now I know I’m not handsome nor ever used to be
But the girls I like at Open Mic would not look twice at me
Now I see other fellas that’s as ugly as a frog
Holding hands with ladies in the hope they’ll get a snog
But if women like them like men like those
Why don’t women like me?
What can the att...
Thursday 21st April 2022 11:15 pm
I was watching that film with Kevin Costner the other night, “Dances with Wolves” when it occurred to me that Indian monikers (Red Indian, that is, not Asian Indian) hang on youthful vitality – “Runs with the Wind”, “Slayer of Bears”, “Popper of Pills” etc.
(As an aberrant departure from this train of thought I am perplexed by the dumping of “Red Indian” into the trash can marked “Political Cor...
Wednesday 20th April 2022 3:45 pm
Well actually No. It was “Days of Beer and Fags”. My student days I’m talking about.
I was at Durham in the early 70’s where I “studied” Politics, among other things.
I’d applied to do History but asked as soon as I got there if I could swop to Philosophy and Politics.
“No problem” they said.
As it happens I failed the Philosophy 1st Year Exam. Friends will no doubt find that astoni...
Monday 18th April 2022 7:50 pm
(Written as I paid a visit there earlier this week. Fellow old gits may recall The Temperance Seven's "Winchester Cathedral").
In Chester Cathedral
I prayed for Ukraine,
I prayed for the end of
Their tears and their pain.
I lighted a candle
To end this insane
Blood letting and murder;
I prayed for Ukraine.
Friday 15th April 2022 10:49 pm
War! Yeah. Huh.
What is it Good For?
Except for Boris Johnson.
Wednesday 13th April 2022 5:47 pm
Whisper its name softly
And have some respect for the dying
Where once it was empty but boastful
It's now too weak to start trying
Saturday 9th April 2022 1:44 pm
We don’t need no Moderation
We don’t need no verse control
No literary prohibition
Exercised by Woke Patrol
Hey, Censor! Leave our verse alone
The ghost of Mary Whitehouse stands guard over all.
Self-appointed, they defend us
Assiduous in moral toil
For fear a naughty word offend us
Which makes us all break out in boils
Hey, Censor! Leave our verse alone
Monday 4th April 2022 9:26 pm
I was commissioned to write the theme tune for this franchise. I was unsuccessful; they went for John Williams's "Hedwig's Theme". No matter; I am comforted in the knowledge that mine was the far superior. A second re-post (but you can't get enough of quality).
There was a girl that he adored
He planned to brag that he had scored
But we all know the bounder never got her;
Friday 1st April 2022 10:49 am
It was my dad’s invention; leastways he never told me he’d heard of it some place else.
Picture a load of lousy rotten kids around a cake.
How to cut it up so no-one complained they’d got a small piece?
Answer? Fred’s Formula.
Kid No.1 is about to cut the first slice.
“Aha” you say, “the greedy little git will cut himself a big one”.
But enter Fred’s Formula.
Sunday 27th March 2022 9:16 pm
You’ve seen this happen times before
You’ve read the script, you know the score
You know it’s coming once again
From Heung-min Son to Harry Kane.
The ever-present threat is there
It’s peril to ignore this pair
A quick glance up – the pass is on
From Harry Kane to Heung-min Son.
From England and from South Korea
Respect for them then turns to fear
Wednesday 23rd March 2022 10:46 am
This was one of the formative experiences of my early years and compulsive viewing on the telly for kids of my age in the 1960’s.
It was a “sci-fi” featuring an American nuclear submarine (a super-sub before the days of Liverpool’s David Fairclough). It was called Seaview, which always struck us as a bit odd; why call an American nuclear submarine after a B&B in Filey?
Anyway, despite not r...
Monday 21st March 2022 10:00 pm
Two-bedroomed bungalow. Town centre location. Three downstairs rooms. Small garden with its own Grade II listed building.
I expect prospective buyers would not anticipate the Grade II Listed building would be a public pissoire in their front garden.
Wednesday 16th March 2022 10:36 am
Endless, endless skies
Seas of rippling golden wheat
The yellow and blue
Shadrach and Meshach
Kharkov the new Babylon
Spirit doesn’t burn
Thursday 10th March 2022 5:13 pm
From this distance that post-Edwardian world seems locked in a time of slow serenity.
Privileged scholars in whites punting down the Cam
Horse-drawn carriages in sepia brown trotting down the Mall
Flat-capped men smoking outside the factory gates
Nothing could change their world.
We thumb our Playstations
Saunter around garden centres
Share the gossip at the sc...
Monday 7th March 2022 9:48 pm
When war was fun. A re-post.
A chant I have not heard for almost 60 years.
Playtime was fun and frightening and formative at primary School. It was a Boys School and play reflected that.
Ad hoc games of football were being played up and down and across the yard. Picture Manchester United playing Manchester City at Old Trafford while Tottenham played Arsenal across the pitch and sev...
Saturday 5th March 2022 8:34 pm
It's never the wrong time for a delicately constructed villanelle.
I’m pretty sure it was them old Spam Fritters
From out the freezer – 6 months out of date
Which caused my present painful bout of squitters.
I hear your childish sniggers and your titters
While you make fun of something that I ate
I tell you though it must have been Spam Fritters
I’ve often eaten...
Wednesday 2nd March 2022 2:07 pm
For a long time now I’ve been more than comfortable with the targeted pop-up adverts thrown at me over the internet. But whereas I once used to have my pick of Ukrainian beauties desperately seeking good-looking dudes like me for husbands, I now attract more age-related ads. – “Release Your Pension” and such like.
However I am even more appreciative of TV ads more recently doing the same. Aft...
Friday 25th February 2022 5:49 pm
Spectating on in impotence we wring our hands in vain
While patriotic blood will spill on soil of steppe and plain;
It’s left unto the partisans and Cossacks of Ukraine
To resurrect the ghost of Taras Bulba.
Wednesday 23rd February 2022 8:06 am
I see you’ll all be taking more time off from work this June
For this you’re in Her Majesty’s debt
But now that I’m retired and don’t need to go to work
That’s another bloody day off I won’t get.
Monday 21st February 2022 5:55 pm
To clear misunderstanding and pretence of false grandstanding
Let me state quite candidly I’ve got no time for cats;
If this your hopes should shatter I still think
“Cats’ Lives Matter”
And find myself on Tiddles’ side and not that other twat.
I saw it on the telly where some chap gave one some welly
He thought it was hilarious and gortled at his joke;
But it’s him I’d li...
Thursday 17th February 2022 10:37 am
Critics of my many masterpieces have described them as "mere doggerel". I disagree. I aspire to "mere doggerel".
Come gather people wherever you roam
And admit that my parodies made you all groan
You’ve suffered them bravely and stifled your moans
But secretly felt they were mangy
But now I’m relenting; I’d like to atone
For my rhymes they are a-changin’.
Monday 14th February 2022 5:04 pm
Lay me in this sacred cavern
By the softly surfing sea
Let that dank and distant whisper
Ease in me this fatal fire.
Tell the Beast I bear no malice
She and I are of one flesh
Mine to gorge the gulls and shore crabs
Hers to feed my bretheren.
Can you hear the Old Folk calling
From the shadows of the cave?
In the surf that swells the sea-shore?
In the crying of the ...
Wednesday 9th February 2022 1:31 pm
I sat in a well-known coffee house today and conducted my own little survey while I supped mine of customers wearing masks as they entered. Three wore them, 23 didn’t.
You can catch anything you want
At Alice’s Restaurant;
Signs placed on the entrance ask
“Kindly please wear your mask”;
These polite requests simply all fell flat
Customers that entered seemed to think “Fuck ...
Sunday 6th February 2022 7:46 pm
It’s all the rage these days – the outcry against bullying. Everyone has stories of them being bullied; but no-one was a bully. Curious that, isn’t it?
Well I was.
Don’t get me wrong, I was bullied too, but that’s not the entire thrust of this post.
Grammar school was a rich vein to mine for this. “Quad-ing” some kid’s cap was an early example. Second and third year boys would prowl t...
Tuesday 1st February 2022 4:05 pm
I was 10 years old the last time.
I didn’t understand but my mam and dad were terrified.
It was Game Theory played out to perfection by the Kennedy brothers and, less commonly acknowledged, by Nikita Khrushchev.
At any rate, history records it as a “game”. If the outcome had been different perhaps it would not be viewed as such – if, indeed, there were any of us left to have “history”....
Wednesday 26th January 2022 7:47 pm
I used to try at Christmas Do’s
To sit beside some loser,
A woman who was desperate
With morals even looser;
With luck I’d get my end away
At worst that I might goose her.
These days I try to sit beside
A woman who’s much thinner
And if I manage this I’ll think
That I am on a winner;
Cos greedy sods like me all know
She’ll not eat all her dinner.
Monday 24th January 2022 7:53 pm
I read about the bombings of civilians in Iraq
In Yemen or in Syria or similar attack
The carnage and the horror that rained down from overhead
Because, though, they weren’t English they were only slightly dead.
I well recall those Chinese workers who picked shells that day
Toiling for their gangmasters by light on Morecambe Bay
Who’d underestimate too late how fast the tide...
Saturday 22nd January 2022 12:57 pm
This is dead boring.
I saw that film in ’59 that’s called “Some Like It Hot”
With Marilyn Monroe – pure movie gold;
But in the interests of diversity these days we’ve got
To recognise that there’s “Some Like It Cold”.
Wednesday 19th January 2022 11:06 pm
It’s occurred to me recently how enormously impressive is the range in design of corkscrews.
I managed for years with a conventional one; one-pieced with a T-bar, as I still have on my penknife.
But now I may choose between those with a collar and side-arms, those which lever on the bottle’s neck or even those which inject gas to pop the cork out. There’s the Raymond Blanc, the rechargeable...
Monday 17th January 2022 10:58 pm
Who’s Sorry Now? Who’s Sorry Now?
Who tries to lie his way out any how?
Who ridicules we plebs and fools
By breaking his own laws and rules?
Is this the end? Shafted by friends?
Is this your terminal bow?
Run out of laughs? Too many gaffes?
Too late that you’re sorry now.
You hope and pray the facts that Sue Gray
Finds out about last May keep your exit away
Friday 14th January 2022 4:55 pm
We trudged round Designer Outlet
A day full of dull misery
I’d sampled a few cups of coffee
Which meant that I needed a pee.
I nipped to the public convenience
And read all the ads on the wall
Avoiding the one on Viagra
(A bloke was in the next stall).
But then as I left the urinals
I heard from the Ladies next door
The sound of a Dyson Airblade
Making its motorise...
Wednesday 12th January 2022 11:30 pm
To the sensibilities of our cossetted ears this was grisly business. To those watching, though, this was a thing of glory – a glory greater than battle, glory which brought men close to the gods.
The Mace of Sol was older than the stories of the Old Folk – a thigh bone from a great beast, of which the Elders spoke but none could recall, for such beasts were no more.
The Mace was held high i...
Monday 10th January 2022 10:40 pm
Get outta my life
This royal scandal’s causing such strife;
I’m a toff, girl
Just bugger off, girl.
You say you met me when much younger,
When you were only 17
And when we danced together close I’d get
And dripped with sweat
You say that I should now come clean.
You say I’m friends with Jeffrey Epstein
The allegation make...
Saturday 8th January 2022 10:12 pm
If you don’t believe the quacks,
Go ahead – don’t have the vaxx
And choose against sound common sense;
But choice, of course, has consequence;
Reference that Djokovic
Who’s going home –
Yeah, life’s a bitch.
Thursday 6th January 2022 5:15 pm
And I’m not talking about spiritual fulfilment or happiness or inner peace or any of that tree-hugging stuff. I’m talking about money.
I say this because I cannot think of a single material thing I want, let alone need.
But let me put this into some context for you.
Yes, I have my own house, a car, caravan, take holidays when I want etc. But this is only a fraction of my “pr...
Tuesday 4th January 2022 6:00 pm
He worked the prison garden and always quite alone
For fear of those reprisals that prisoners deal their own;
He could not tell the police, the courts, for reasons had he none,
Not even to himself could he explain what he had done;
So vacantly he tends his plot and lives each day somehow
And nurtures his geraniums which are his babies now
Sunday 2nd January 2022 5:42 pm