Poetry Blog by John Coopey

I HAVE AN OLD MAN'S PROBLEM

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I have an old man’s problem, which is disrupting me

That frequently throughout the night I need to take a pee.

I’ve had the usual prostate check – the doctor’s broddling thumb

Covered with such lubricant it slipped right up my bum.

Then MRI and biopsy each underwent with fear

The findings were most welcome, though; no cancer – I was clear.

But inconveniently the problem stubbornl...

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THE SUN SHINES BRIGHT BUT THIN TODAY

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(A poem for Autumn. I hate bloody Autumn!)

 

The sun shines bright but thin today

But still casts shadows, if to say,

“Remember I’ll be strong once more

When winter’s chill has passed away”.

 

For as in summers gone before

The garden’s growth it will restore

To chit the seed and warm the beast

And once again be held in awe.

 

Then to the West and from the East

...

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HARRY POTTER

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(A tragic tale of unrequited love. A song stolen from me by Laughin' Lenny Cohen)

 

There was a girl that he adored

He planned to brag that he had scored

But we all know the bounder never got her;

He never got to climb upon

Cos Grainger went for Weasley Ron

She found his ginger features were much hotter;

Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter.

 

He’d h...

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X2 = ((x – y) * (x + y)) + y2

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I first realised this mathematical fact

When I planned to purchase some tiles

Of course, I could have got various types

Of colours and sizes and styles.

 

I measured my floor up for area

And settled on 8 inches square

But this would require me to cut some tiles

Not an effective affair.

 

I then contemplated a different approach

After I’d studied a while

Would I ...

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ARTHUR AP UTHER - THE BATTLE OF LUGG VALE

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(In the first book of his Warlord trilogy Bernard Cornwell posits a fictitious battle at Lugg Vale at which the warlord Arthur ap Uther, leader of the Dumnonians, defeats an alliance of other British tribes in order to unite the Britons against the invading Saxons. His success results, ultimately, in the defeat of the Saxons at Badon Hill, setting back their further invasion of Britain by some 50 ...

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CROSSROADS MOTEL

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(For those with long memories of this dire soap and with apologies to Laughing Lenny Cohen)

 

I remember it well, “The Crossroads Motel”

Your acting consistently shite

Giving my head through the script being read

A migraine that lasted all night;

But those were the days; I rode BSAs;

We watched on our screens black and white;

Your actors were poor, the walls and the door

...

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THE GHOST OF THE GHOST OF REES McGINN

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The dark was all-pervading with barely breath or sound

No place to be for vermin, less colliers underground.

They haunched beside the ripping lip, their cap lamps set to ‘dim’

And waited till the Chargie spoke, so soft and low and grim.

‘It’s here they say they’ve seen him glowing in the dark,

Floating outbye 7’s, his tortured face so stark.

He curses at his comrades as through t...

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UPSKIRTING 2

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In order to avoid all doubt I thought I better had

Re-post this piece which last time round made many people mad

Who bullocked through its irony and saw me as a cad;

So let me plainly state, “Don’t go Upskirting”.

 

It is not nice; it’s horrible; enough make you swear

And never mind Box Brownies – you shouldn’t even stare

And anyway you couldn’t in the case of girls who wear

...

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BORIS THE BIDER

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(We've all changed our minds about Boris from what we thought 5 years ago, haven't we? No longer the bumbling fool but now the self-serving politico that he is. Well, I haven't - I wrote this in 2013 as many of the references illustrate. I always had him down as biding his time.)

 

Who’s that biding in the wings?

Waiting for what fortune brings.

Rubbing hands for Cameron’s fall;

May...

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CHEESE

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(Inspired by a question my neice asked at a recent family barbecue, "What would be the hardest thing for you to give up if the doctor told you you had to?")

 

My dietary appointment’s making me a nervous wreck,

It follows consequentially a previous health check.

The nurse will give me diet sheets with foods she will proscribe,

The list will be exhaustive and with drinks I can’t imbi...

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MAKING A CRUST

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After 20 years in the coal industry I spent the next 20 years as a self-employed management consultant. It’s a fabulous way to make a crust.  Companies were paying me £500 a day to hear what I thought. The joke is that after 8 o’clock at night, anyone could hear what I thought for free, down the pub.
 

Happy days.

And I found it all rather easy.

The modus operandi was quite formulaic and...

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POWER OF ATTORNEY

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I’m getting to that point in my dotage where folks have started to notice a bit of deterioration.

I’ve always been not quite right in the head, so I have quite an advantage in reaching ga-ga before contemporaries of greater sobriety.

So much so that I don’t think it will be too long before my kids persuade me to grant them Power of Attorney – certainly over financial matters.  Indeed, I’ve s...

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"BREXIT MEANS BREXIT"

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“Brexit Means Brexit”

As if that’s enough;

“We don’t need a plan

We don’t give a stuff”.

 

“Brexit Means Brexit

Beware of expert men

They’re simply spreading fear

We’ll be Great again”.

 

“Brexit Means Brexit

Sod off to the Poles

And to the Romanians

We’re taking back controls”.

 

“Brexit Means Brexit”

We hear nothing new

“Brexit Means Brexit...

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THE WORST BAND IN THE WORLD

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(A true story)

 

I can announce to you today a scoop; you’ll hear first hand

And not subjective but with evidence – The World’s Worst Band.

And as the basis of this claim I cite a friend of mine

Who’d gone away on holiday in search of some sunshine.

But while he lay upon the beach the scallywags dropped by;

They broke into his garage and then stripped the bugger dry.

They m...

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SHE

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Will Get Her Pension Same As Me

(A celebration of sex equality)

 

She will get her pension same as me

She says she wants equality

It is the justice for which her sex will strive

She has pressed for changes in the law

For all the wrongs she’s fighting for

So it’s not 60 anymore

She’s got to wait to 65.

 

She now thinks this can’t be right

One more mysoginistic sl...

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GORGONZOLA

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(A re-post but you can't get enough of a good thing. Like gorgonzola)

 

I met her in a bar

When I worked in Stranraer

Where she cried in the corner

So I went so far

As to console her.

 

She looked up at me

So then I could see

The blood and the snot;

She’d broke her tooth –

It was a molar

(Or perhaps a praemolar;

No, no, it was a molar).

 

Her mouth o...

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EVERYBODY KNOWS

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Everybody knows they’ve said “Goodbye”

Everybody knows it’s true;

He cannot keep his todger in his flies

But pops up the ladies’ flues.

 

Everybody knows he cheats and lies

He’s Boris – it’s what he will do;

Now though she’s cut off the marriage ties

(Shame it’s not his yarbles too!)

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“VOTES” WINS EVERY TIME

Who could have seen it coming - his sorry turn-a-bout?

Humiliating climb-downs after months of holding out,

Despite face-saving caveats designed to mask the rout.

A train crash coming further down the line.

 

He rode the tide of Principles; “New Politics” he’d gloat

But saw that power hinges on the fickle few that float

So when the choice was “Principles” or loss of Jewish vot...

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MAN BOOBS

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I’ve always considered my body

A shrine or a temple of sorts,

Honed to perfection by exercise

Like snooker and other pub sports.

 

But lately I’ve noticed a blemish

To mar my immaculate bod,

So I’m starting to look like John Prescott

And less like a Classical God.

 

Besides being most unsightly

They’re open to much ridicule,

A feature that’s rather less welcome

...

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YOU'D BETTER GO HOME, JOSE MOURINHO

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(Pat Boone would turn in his grave if he were dead)

 

You’d better go home Jose Mourinho

Your days in Manchester’s done

While you’re watching from the sidelines

With City scoring goals for fun.

 

You blame a lack of transfer money

For why you’ve hit a brick wall

But take a lead from Pochettino

Who’s bought nobody at all.

 

Jose Mourinho – What’s the excuse?

J...

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THEY MADE ME WEAR A NAPPY

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(I've always thought there was a gap in the market for a fusion of top-rate poetry and a medical procedure.  A travelogue of my biopsy to test for prostate cancer.)

 

They made me wear a nappy

(I wasn’t very happy).

They said I might be needing

A pad to catch the bleeding

Of later crimson stainers

Which seeped out from my anus

Which had become right sloppy

From my prosta...

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THE DOCTOR FISH

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I’ve lost my pond fish twice now.  The last time was when an otter got in and cleaned me out of £1000-worth of koi carp.  I have unsightly wire netting frames over the pond these days to keep it out.

Previously, I’d lost all my fish to parasites.

I’d been fishing to a nearby pond and caught a few tench.  Now for non-anglers the tench is a handsome, green fish noted for the muscular fight it ...

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TUGGING MY ROD

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I’d spent the day at Birkin Pond and bagged a carp or two

On luncheon meat and sweetcorn and bread and maggots too.

But in a lull of action when quietude had struck,

The fish no longer biting, I start to read my book.

The day was warm and peaceful, so I began to nod

And unbeknownst to me a fish was tugging at my rod.

The saucy thing had spent some time nibbling at my meat;

It ...

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BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

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Be careful what you wish for

And take some time to think

It’s always wise; it gives you time

To step back from the brink.

 

Be careful what you wish for

Think through it while you can

You’ll find the consequences

Rarely go to plan.

 

Be careful what you wish for

My grandma used to say

The devil finds a thousand different

Ways to make you pay.

 

Be ...

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FROM CHRISTCHURCH TO POOLE

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When folks are at work and the kids all in school

Two or three times we will bike, as a rule

From Christchurch to Bournemouth, then Sandbanks and Poole.

 

For most of the way it’s a ride by the sea

And easy and flattish for Our Gert and me;

We stop at the Chineside for cups of black tea.

 

Sometimes we have started from Hengistbury Head

Watching as tides between Mudeford...

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WHERE DO YOU GO TO, MY LOVELY?

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(Is he busy?)

 

 You look a 50’s-style beatnik

Appealing to modern day youth;

You set out your stall as a leader

Not frightened of speaking the truth.

 

They voted for you in their thousands

They thought that they’d got it sussed

A man who would speak for The Many

The man in whom they could trust.

 

But where do you go to, my lovely

When awkwardness raises it...

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I NEVER MEANT TO.....

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(A re-post. With its provenance)

 

This was inspired by a colleague I worked with at the Coal Board who was a Colliery Personnel Manager.  One of his less enviable tasks was to make a home visit to break the news to the wives of miners who had had fatal accidents.  He made the most of a rotten job by shagging a number of them - “in sympathy” we would say.  He wasn’t without scruples, though;...

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HALF A MILE AWAY

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The coastal walk from Keyhaven to Lymington-on-Sea

Is something like an eight mile hike - you’ll earn your cup of tea!

We’ve noticed every time we’ve walked its length, Our Gert and me

The harbour’s always half a mile away.

 

This is a strange phenomenon you’d think cannot be true

But when you’ve done ten minutes then the harbour comes in view

You’d think this can’t be possibl...

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BREAST FEEDING IN PUBLIC

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I’m fully with the sisterhood on this, I have to say –

Breast feeding in a public place at any time of day;

So I was most surprised the lady made a big to-do

When I pulled up a comfy chair to get a better view.

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BENN

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(Margaret Thatcher's lovely eulogy and tribute to the man who kept her in power so effectively)

 

Benn, the two of us need look no more

We both found what we were looking for

When I faced my darkest hour you helped me stay in power

So you my friend will see, you’ve got a friend in me.

 

All those times at Labour’s Conference

Causing rifts instead of congruence

With your ...

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NUTS

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(A re-post about disability)

 

She shuffles as she passes shops along the busy street

Her gait staccato, lurching, as she drags alternate feet

A group of young lads giggle and enjoy the sickening treat

And her dad beside her calls her “Little Elf”.

 

Her hands are clasped together, fingers crooked, white and thin

A face distorted apeing both a grimace and a grin

A tongue...

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FATHER AND SON

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(I am trying to recapture the form that saw my magnum opus "Upskirting" removed from WOL.  This seems to me to be equally offensive but was approved for posting once already in 2013.  Perhaps WOL was a little more sympathetic to irony then).

 

As you approach twenty-one

Get out there and start to have fun

But before you start kissing

It’s time you should listen

To a father’s advi...

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FATHER AND SON

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(I am trying to recapture the form that saw my magnum opus "Upskirting" removed from WOL.  This seems to me to be equally offensive but was approved for posting once already in 2013.  Perhaps WOL was a little more sympathetic to irony then).

 

As you approach twenty-one

Get out there and start to have fun

But before you start kissing

It’s time you should listen

To a father’s advi...

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GILLY

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I saw this news the other day

Blatedly, I’m sad to say;

An icon of these days the Lilly

Whites of Tottenham called “Gilly”.

 

An enigma among the crowd

Who’d never chant his name out loud;

But when retired Gilly’s name

Would echo in their halls of fame;

 

I’ve heard the crowd jeer more than once.

“You poof, Gilzean”. “Gilzean’s a ponce”

The Tottenham fans did ne...

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LITTLE RABBIT FOU FOU

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(My adopted solution to the rabbits I am getting in my garden. For anyone who thinks their meat is made at Tesco's, sanitised and plastic-wrapped. I’ve made one pie already and have two more dead ‘uns in the freezer waiting preparation. I do hope one or two snowflakes are offended by this)

 

Little Rabbit Fou Fou

I don’t want to see you

Dig up new laid lawn

Then hide beneath my shed...

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EAST FIFE 4 FORFAR 5

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He’d never see his classic joke come true while he’s alive,

But mortal flesh may rot away while genius survives.

It nearly happened years ago in 1964

Perhaps this was his mojo,

                   “Forfar 5 – East Fife 4”.

 

But in the game the other day their cup tie was a draw

And watching from God’s stadium the ghost of Eric saw

The match go on to penalties; the score he ...

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A SONG OF PATRIOTIC PREJUDICE (Pt 2)

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(So we seem to have established that a very graphic poem about slicing up a woman, my last post "Minor Sin", was accepted by the Board of Censors but that my previous poem about taking photos up their skirts was not.  I wonder about this one, also previously posted with no objections, with its obvious superficial racism)

 

The nation has got in a hell of a state

Let’s get out of Europe an...

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MINOR SIN

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(This one might be a bit of a poser for WOL. I have posted it three times aleady with no objection on each occasion. Presumably it is therefore more acceptable than "Upskirting".  Be warned; it is shocking.  But then that's the skill of language, isn't it?)

 

The mission’s not impossible; it is not even hard;

I just enact the script for Him - a player, nothing more;

It’s happened in th...

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UPSKIRTING

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My little poem “Upskirting” 

Has been censored on here now;

It breached your Code of Conduct,

Though no-one’s told me how.

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UPSKIRTING

This item has been removed by our moderator team because it didn't abide by our Code Of Conduct. Comments may also be deleted.

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OUR GERT KNOWS BEST

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To all you brave young shavers contemplating marriage vows

I offer this advice to ward off arguments and rows.

The Vicar he will tell you, ‘‘Marriage is a partnership’’

But very soon you’ll find out when the pretence starts to slip

That your experience mirrors mine which (only half in jest)

Is on every single matter –

I’ve found Our Gert knows best.

 

You may think the time...

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HEY, RAFA! LEAVE YOUR CRACK ALONE

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(prompted by my good friend Anne Staton who provided the idea and the best lines.)

 

You don’t need this affectation

To help you with your thought control;

Avoid it with more lubrication

Around your nuts and round your hole.

          Hey, Rafa!  Leave your crack alone.

All in all you look a proper prick with that ball.

 

Is this ritual just fixation

Like tapping dust...

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I HAD A DREAM

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(This is, in fact, what Abba meant to say)

 

I had a dream

Of Harry Kane,

He leads the team

At White Hart Lane;

But now it is England that Harry leads

He’s led us to the semis by beating the Swedes;

Under Gareth Southgate we’re starting to believe

That we can win;

At last there’s really nothing England can’t achieve

With Harry in;

I had a dream

Our times come...

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THANK ‘EAVENS FOR TOTTENHAM’S BOYS

Thank ‘eavens for Tottenham’s boys

For Tottenham’s boys showed England how to play

Thank ‘eavens for Tottenham’s boys

For Harry Kane and Dier and Trippier

They set new records (I’m not talking vinyls)

The goals of each 

Saw England reach

The quarter finals

Thank ‘eavens for Tottenham’s boys

Thank ‘eavens for them all no matter where no matter who

Without them what wou...

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NEVER TELL THE GODS YOUR PLANS

Things went so well on our first date

We dined by candlelight

We’d met across the internet

An Older Singles site.

 

The wine flowed freely through the night

And conversation too

We hit it off so well the we

Might start our lives anew.

 

But there’s a saying, though, that’s been

The joke and curse of Man

That if you want to make them laugh

Just tell the Gods y...

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GOATSUCKERS

I caught a glimpse of goatsuckers

At dusk the other night,

Appearing as twin phantoms in the

Murky forest light.

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SON! SON! SON!

(A song stolen from me by The Beach Boys, when they made “Fun! Fun! Fun!”)

 

He’s a great little guy and he plays for the Almighty Spurs, now

His speed on the ball is so fast, just a series of blurs, now

He’s the foil for young Harry that coach Pochettino prefers, now

And he’s called Son! Son! Son! - he’s the one who put the Germans away.

 

The fans throughout Russia are queue...

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HATS OFF TO HARRY (Part 2)

(This original was stolen from me by Del Shannon)

 

When England need a talisman

The nation’s hopes to carry

We turn to one we know who can

That’s Tottenham’s captain, Harry.

 

Hats off to Harry

He’ll break their heart

He’ll take the best defence and shred it apart;

The Golden Boot

Is Harry’s when he shoot, shoot, shoot, shoots

Hat-trick Harry’s gone and hit the...

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THE BROCKENHURST TRAIL

We cycled today on the Brockenhurst Trail

That once carried passengers travelling by rail;

We left from near Holmsley around half past ten

(We’d biked it before and we’ll bike it again)

By tarmac the road was an easier travel

Than fighting the slip of the grit and the gravel;

But after a couple of challenging hills

That tested our stamina and biking skills

It’s on to the Tr...

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IMAGINE MY SURPRISE

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(Afficianados of the soft porn mags of the 70's will recall the Letters to the Editor pages. Letters were quite formulaic You pretended they hadn't been cobbled together by a roomful of middle aged hacks as you spanked your monkey but always had the phrase halfway through the story, "Imagine my surprise..."   Fiona Richmond was Men Only's shagnasty but I wrote this away from any research material ...

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