Despite his many, many faults

(A list that grows and grows)

There's one you can't accuse him of -

He doesn't pick his nose.

Read and leave comments (4)

The chanting in the cloister

The pealing of the bell,

As sure as God’s in Gloucester

So all with Gloucester’s well.

It’s said that God in Heaven

Benignly chose this place

This city by the Severn

To domicile his grace.

So many towers skywards tilt

As to the clouds they’ve clawed

So many seats of worship built

As Houses of The Lord.

The old mon...

Read and leave comments (6)

Now you might have a bucket list of things you want to do

Before you shake your final six and find your span is through

You'll knock some off but in return add others to the queue

A safe bet is you'll never do them all.

You might decide to have a pint of every English beer

Or maybe walk to John O'Groats or else swim Windermere

Or starting from Southend fish from every Britis...

Read and leave comments (6)

(I couldn't resist elaborating on the Guinness poster)

Hello darkness my old friend

I'll have a pint of you again

Arthur Guinness is my new hero

Now they've introduced Guinness Zero

It's a ringer in looks and taste for the Real McCoy

Like Danny Boy

It's the pride of Dublin.

It's the perfect Irish blend

I'm more than happy to commend

For taste and texture the...

Read and leave comments (5)

'Twas on a Monday morning that I tried to phone BT

I listened to the options and then pressed the one for me

A prerecorded message said that I'd been put on hold

So I listened to some Mozart for an hour like I was told.

Then a lady answered telling me she couldn't help at all

So after 40 minutes she ended our phone call

I'm afraid I'd got frustrated and I'd begun to screech

Read and leave comments (2)

Unlucky for me I find there's a dearth

Of pronouns that's truly reflecting my worth

I'm dissatisfied called by the sex of my birth

Cos “he” is not where I'm at;

And “she”, “they” or “them” I'd not like to be cast

So I laboured in thought but then at long last

I realised that there was help from my past

Cos I've always been known as “that twat!”

Read and leave comments (9)

This recent spell of hot weather has prompted advice from all quarters on how to look after yourself and, especially, on looking after vulnerable old people.

Well! The neighbours on our street think it's hilarious to keep ribbing an old goat like me about this.

But Coops didn't get to 73 without learning a trick or two and I've now got the blokes bringing me cups of tea and biscuits every ho...

Read and leave comments (3)

We sat in our garden – that’s Our Gert and me

And took home-made tiffin with cups of black tea;

The sun barely showed – a bright haze at the most

But its heat was pervading and cloying and close;

The breeze did its best to bring cooling chill

But the leaves on the cherries stayed stubbornly still.

A day to enjoy though the prospect might irk

Those who are younger and all out a...

Read and leave comments (5)

(If you don't know who this is your life is indeed impverished)

Grimy windows, door jammed shut

Fat man snoring, scratching gut

Empty bottle – he's half cut

Beware though, it's a sham.

His suit is from Exchange and Mart

Fat man wakes up with a start

Snoring broke by his own fart

The Legend – Jackson Lamb.

Trainer of Slow Horses

The legend- Jackson Lamb

Read and leave comments (10)

When I worked at Grimethorpe during the 1970's and '80's we had on site an experimental fluidised bed facility. Not a bit of furniture from Ikea, but an international project into burning coal more efficiently to produce electricity. The Company overseeing this had three headquarters worldwide and the banner beneath its coat of arms proudly displayed :-

“DALLAS ; MUNICH ; GRIMETHORPE”

Read and leave comments (3)

I had a dream

About my team

I dreamt we'd won

It was such fun

We'd beaten Man United

In the Final game

In sleep I was delighted

“Champions” our name

But then when I awoken

I thought this sweet and pleasant reverie

And magic spell was broken

And it was just seductive fantasy

Then I woke up

We'd won the Cup.

We've suffered years

Of pain and tears

Read and leave comments (4)

At a recent Open Mic I attended a bloke was telling us that his neighbour had just had his chimney swept.  It cost £70!!!  Well, I couldn't resist writing this.

Chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cherie

Who'd be a chimney sweep black as can be?

Chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cheroo

When you know the benefits then you would too.

Their trade is in grime and their trade...

Read and leave comments (7)

Haime does not seek escape

His time, he knows, is through

Haime seeks to cheat his guards

Like every other Jew.

He mutters soft his own Kaddish

To cleanse his sins and faults

Then limps towards the outer fence

And 40,000 volts.

Read and leave comments (2)

There's not many of these around

So very few to the pound

This one was well hid

Located in Brid

That's that's where this one I found.

He reigned, my history book says

325 days

He chucked everything

For George to be king

Who agreed the pillar box stays.

So here it is as you see

A symbol of red history

Preserved in good faith

For Edward VIII

And ne...

Read and leave comments (7)

To save them serving prison time 

For cutting down that tree,

Let them pay a fitting price -

    Chopped off at the knee.

Read and leave comments (2)

Well, this one's a black one, as it happens. But you'll get the idea.

I was delighted to find this one on a pub in Beverley, East Yorkshire. It paid "tribute" to a former MP who, it said, "was active in corrupt elections".

Marvellous stuff.

And then the thought occurred to me how refreshing it would be to see more of these "blue plaques" dedicated to some of our leaders. Examples I might ...

Read and leave comments (5)

I had Back Entry Beatrice in Barnsley

She said I had to pay her bus fare home

I gave the driver 30 pence in coppers

He kicked her off at Barnsley Metrodome.

I had the Granny Gobbler too in Grimethorpe

She's proud to offer pensioners relief

She told me that “I'll charge thee just a fiver

Or a tenner if tha wants me baart mi teeth”.

She's a Barnsley Honky Tonk Woman

Read and leave comments (1)

Our Gert was looking forward to seeing a reproduction of this with her pal at Leeds Playhouse.

She happened to mention this to another friend who told her “Good Luck with that!”.

“How do you mean?” asked Our Gert.

“We went to see a production of “Kes” a few weeks ago. It was performed by two actors. And there was no bird”.

Any road up, Our Gert went to see Shirley Valentine last week. ...

Read and leave comments (3)

While this debate is at its height

I offer you a scoop tonight;

I shine a fresh revealing light

(Think me not knave nor jester!)

So let me end scholastic wait

For certes do I boldly state

The author was my great great great

Great great Uncle Fester.

His works they earned him some renown

But Fester’s titles let him down

Promoters would all groan and frown -

The...

Read and leave comments (2)

(A piece on the nonsense of self-identification, or pretending as we used to call it when we were kids)

I wish I was a lady, the prettiest on Earth

And didn't have this handicap, this cock I've had from birth;

It used to be a problem but now that's ceased to be

Cos now I self-identify, (identify) identify (identify)

And simply I now use the pronoun “She”.

I'd never been...

Read and leave comments (14)

There's pads that you find on a puppy dog's feet

There's pads that are cushions on your three-piece suite

There's pads that you write on sheet after sheet

To these though I now have to add

My fucking incontinence pad.

When younger my dotage I thought through and planned

I knew that my hour glass would one day lose sand

And that, for example, my waist would expand

But w...

Read and leave comments (4)

(A true story about Our Gert's naivety)

She keeps selling where she shouldn't be selling

I tell her but it's something she's not learnt

She'll advertise in public on that ebay

And now she's gone and got her fingers burnt.

Those boots weren't meant for selling

On such a public space

Now Our Gert has ended up with “egg” upon her face.

“I've seen those boots you...

Read and leave comments (3)

Listen. Do you want to know a secret?

Do you promise not to tell?

Whoa who-o-o-o-a.

Yemen. Where the fuck is that?

Never mind. Just bomb it flat.

Keep this a secret between we few.

Oh, shit a brick! Here's a jounalist too.

Blimey! Who's the silly twat

Invited Goldberg to this chat?

(Blame it on Mike waltz)

Closer. Time to close up ranks.

Ca...

Read and leave comments (2)

John (The Hat) Keenan was a local miscreant of some renown.  He was recently found dead in his cell in Armley Prison.  He was a drugs dealer, but more Arthur Daley than Pablo Escobar.  The drugs he smuggled and dealt in were hookey Indian Viagra.  I wrote this homage to him a few years ago.

There’s a bloke goes down our pub – he’ll be prob’ly scoffing grub

With the chips he eats he’ll n...

Read and leave comments (4)

This is the name of a pub in Leeds.  The words is not in my Concise Shorter Oxford but I think it is best not to know. (I know what one is).

One for vengeance, one for blood

Watching, waiting, ever still;

By a pulsing body stood,

Hooded, The Three Hulats.

Two for Death and two for Life

Dancing in between those scales;

Arbiters of Pain and Strife,

Grinning, Th...

Read and leave comments (7)

To all you brave young shavers contemplating marriage vows

I offer this advice to ward off arguments and rows.

The Vicar he will tell you, ‘‘Marriage is a partnership’’

But very soon you’ll find out when the pretence starts to slip

That your experience mirrors mine which (only half in jest)

Is on every single matter –

I’ve found Our Gert knows best.

You may think the tim...

Read and leave comments (7)

(I might have missed this opportunity were it not for Leonidas's reminder.  I am still a little unsure of the ending.  Do I ground it properly?  Let me have your thoughts.)

Raise your voices; have your say!

International Women’s Day.

Banish weakness.  Let’s be strong.

Time to right what has been wrong.

Linking arms in sisterhood,

Pledged to Justice, pledged to Good.

Stand...

Read and leave comments (8)

The world is on a knife edge as old certainties now cease

What once was prized and valued is now but considered junk

The Devil sometimes comes, it's said, as a Man of Peace

So I wouldn't trust that orange twat as far as I could spunk.

Read and leave comments (4)

Come round our house and take a look

At what my wife has tried to cook;

Then start your effin' and your jeffin'

(I'm prepared to do the reffin'

Between a gobshite and Our Gert);

Let's see which one of you gets hurt!

Read and leave comments (1)

Dear Mr Musk,

You recently invited me to bullet-point my accomplishments for the past week.

Herewith my most noteworthy achievements.

On Monday I was late – I'd left my clock upon the shelf; but on the plus side like a grown-up washed and dressed myself

Tuesday was a better day – I cannot tell a lie; egg and chips for dinner, though I spilled it down my tie

On Wednes...

Read and leave comments (7)

(A re-post from 10 years ago when I was young and foolish and wrote nonsense such as this)

I met her in a bar

When I worked in Stranraer

Where she cried in the corner

So I went so far

As to console her.

She looked up at me

So then I could see

The blood and the snot;

She’d broke her tooth –

It was a molar

(Or perhaps a praemolar;

No, no, it was a mol...

Read and leave comments (6)

(The tune and accompaniment is hung loosely on Reverend Gary Davis's "Cocaine Blues")
 

Yonder comes my baby dressed in green

I've got the simplest plan you ever have seen

Ukraine – I'll flush you down the drain.

Yonder comes my baby dressed in white

It's all so easy just to end this fight

Ukraine – I'll flush you down the drain.

Hey hey, Putin won't you join me quick

Read and leave comments (6)

I tell myself I've had enough

I'm feeling down I'm feeling rough;

I'll give up fags; I'll give up beer

I'll maybe start a new career.

But then I see he's on the news

That's when I start to lift these blues

He'll look so sharp, so clean, so neat

There's no way that I can compete.

Let it please be him

Oh Dear God, it must be Kim

It must be Kim Oh please appear.

...

Read and leave comments (2)

(Says Mr Fynn, Mine Manager

"What the fuck is this?"

Says Andy Goose, his deputy

"It stinks like Devil's Piss!")

During the Miner's Strike of 1984/85 I worked at North Gawber Mine near Barnsley providing safety cover to the engineers and managers doing underground inspections.

Besides offering access to the mine for men and materials, shafts also provided ventilation, the downc...

Read and leave comments (2)

My man he is a strange one

Though most men seem the same

It's something I've got used to, though

At first I just felt shame.

He seems to have this fetish

Which other men do too

A morbid fascination

To watch me have a poo.

For me it's something normal

That answers Nature's call

And not a weird obsession

For fetishists at all.

But no sooner have I done my poo

H...

Read and leave comments (3)

When I was a young man and in my prime (a teenager) I took lessons in Aikido – a martial art form more deadly even than full contact origami.

I happened to mention to the tutor, a middle aged man who floated about most of the time in flowing robes, that I played rugby.

“Let me show you how to evade tackles using Aikido skills” he said. “Come at me with a tackle”.

I took a step or two back...

Read and leave comments (4)

Two farthings make an 'ape'ny

(That's halfpenny for short)

Two 'ape'nies make a penny

Like two pints make a quart;

Three pennies make a thrup'ny bit

And six of them a tanner

Two tanners make a bob

King George never never never shaves his nob

But I digress

Two bobs and a half a bob

Made up a half a crown

You've nearly bought a dog licence

A third of it paid down.

Read and leave comments (3)

Not enough pressure

These days I cannot see it

It's not long enough

Read and leave comments (28)

(We visited Auschwitz in October last year.  Our tour guide had a personal connection with the camp as her uncles who had been in the resistance were tortured and killed there. As she pointed out the killing grounds - the gas chambers, the gallows, the firing squad yard the starvation cells, the torture yards, she would repeat the phrase "All roads lead to death".

A triolet. My poem for Interna...

Read and leave comments (8)

And you've never heard of him.

You, have, no doubt, heard of and probably lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962, when, it's said, the world came the closest it's been to a global nuclear war. What you almost certainly aren't aware of is just how close that was – and it had nothing to do directly with those missiles.

What has subsequently been disclosed in 2002 is that during that cr...

Read and leave comments (5)

Read and leave comments (5)

(I thought it worthwhile to refresh your memories on why you voted for Brexit.  A re-post from 2016)

The nation has got in a hell of a state

Let’s get out of Europe and make Britain great

Let’s pull up the drawbridge and then start anew.

And blame it on Hollande and Merkel’s EU.

This European Union is quite a rum do

We English are much better off without you.

We...

Read and leave comments (16)

Am I the only person who doesn't buy into the St Martin Lewis brand?

"I was talking to the Chancellor the other day ...."

"I have advised The Bank of England ...."

Self-important prick, if you ask me.

Read and leave comments (5)

Before I begin I ought to insert

A warning by way of a spoiler alert;

Your ears best plug up and your eyes best avert

For a tale you might find a bit racy -

The Ballad of Gavin and Stacey.

The story's finale was screened Christmas Day;

I missed it myself much to my dismay,

We'd not been at home but spent Christmas away

But couldn't wait to learn, I confess

If Smithy...

Read and leave comments (4)

There was a lot of stockings and wrinkled old tights

Snoozing time – not a pretty sight

Just down past the ankles some knickers were hung

The smell of piss was coming on strong.

The Saturday night beetle drive had already started

As Madge and her girls sprang into action

Deaf Millie slowly woke and opened one eye

Said, “Tonight of all nights there’s gonna be a fight”.

Milli...

Read and leave comments (2)

As if any more proof were needed of the threat I pose to the existing world order, I received, by e-mail on Christmas Eve, a death threat. Honestly. No joke.

It came from The Black Shadow, a hired assassin who had been paid an “enormous sum of money” to expedite my demise. This surprised me as anyone could nudge me off my pushbike for nothing. They said that they had been following my every mov...

Read and leave comments (3)

(Am I the only person ever to think that the WASPI claim for pension compensation for women to reflect the
change in age entitlement was spurious? Was it wrong to be equalised with men's?  It was introduced in 1995 with subsequent amendments..  How much more notification would have been needed?  A re-post of mine from some years ago.)

She will get her pension same as me

She says she wa...

Read and leave comments (1)

It's one of the mantras of feminism that history was written by men. (Thinking about it, shouldn't that be “womantras”?).

Anyway, the thing is, they're right.

Prior to events being recorded in written form (one of the things that defines “history”) which would have been around 5000 years ago, events, stories and traditions were passed on orally – a concept we might differentiate from “histor...

Read and leave comments (2)

The torture and the tyranny at last are overthrown

The hopes and flags of freedom from Aleppo now are flown

But tearing down is easy whilst rebuilding - who can tell?

So scepticism gnaws at me - I fear it won't end well.

Read and leave comments (2)

(An inferior homage to the original of that master wordsmith, Benny Hill)

The crocus and the hostas raise your mother’s memory

I recall the vile old crow cos she looked like a hoss to me

The cowslips bring back memories where they’re planted in the grass

The daft bat fell there; I said “That fat cow’s slipped on her arse”

We’d hide behind the cedar when I’d see’d her look for m...

Read and leave comments (2)