Poetry Blog by John Coopey
John Coopey on SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE (SHE CAUGHT ME SNIFFING HER PANTS) (16 hours ago)
An unrequited love poem
I’ve had some bad luck with the ladies
In truth, the fault’s down to me
You see, I’ve a niche peccadillo
That’s harmless, I’m sure you’ll agree.
I’d taken her out on a bike ride
We’d stopped at a café to eat
But when she came back from the Ladies
She caught me sniffing her seat.
A second invited me inside
An offer I couldn’t refu...
Saturday 8th August 2020 9:09 am
Let me say from the off that Alfie is a mongrel. Oh, sure, my daughter describes him as a bijon fries something-or-other cross. But the offspring of a pure Arabian and a pure-bred Asinara donkey is still an ass (or is it a mule, I forget). So Alfie is still a mongrel.
An adorable little mongrel, I’ll grant you – to look at, at any rate. But a little shit when you get to know him.
Saturday 1st August 2020 9:44 pm
I laminate and post a few of these poems around the in-laws garden at appropriate points for this event.
I have a hobby bordering mania
Taking cuttings of gerania;
“Not so!” your criticism comes
It’s plural is geraniums”.
These little rhymes made up of words
Just pale beside the songs of birds;
We keep these feeders fully stocked
Thursday 30th July 2020 10:13 pm
You'd need to be of a certain age to remember Lord Beginner's original; or, indeed, Ramadhin and Valentine.
Cricket, lovely cricket
Old Trafford was where I saw it
Cricket, lovely cricket
So lovely you can’t ignore it.
Bowled out for just 129
England won by 269
369 was what we scored
A rattling knock from Stuart Broad.
Once upon a better time
You’d have Ramadhin ...
Tuesday 28th July 2020 6:28 pm
Our grandchildren and great grandchildren will ask
"Who broke the world?"
And the tears of our ghosts will weep
And they will ask us
"Did you not care?"
And we will answer
"Only for ourselves".
Monday 27th July 2020 4:15 pm
Worldwide fans may prefer to enjoy the poem without listening to the audio! The opening E7 chord is perfect. "Tits up" starts immediately after.
We’re seeking IT specialists to join our team
To supplement the Putin crew
Trade your western decadence for our regime
Come and join the chosen few.
And hack in the USSR
And work for the Tsar
Hack in the USSR.
Friday 24th July 2020 10:00 pm
I was amused to see an article on this on today’s BBC News website. It seems an American woman from Richmond, Virginia, stands accused of “cultural appropriation” for posting a video of herself doing that Irish Riverdancing. Now don’t get me wrong, I fully support taking down posts of idiots dancing on the spot to the tune of an Irish whistle; not for reasons of cultural appropriation, but becau...
Saturday 18th July 2020 2:22 pm
Nowadays I am one rung down from the fucking angels. But I was not always so. A re-post.
I moan these days about youngsters -
The chavs and the scuzzies and thugs;
Their swearing and gobbing and ASBOs -
Their smoking and drinking and drugs.
But I recollect I was no angel
And partial to that Special Brew
And me and my mate have knocked teeth out
And pissed in a doorwa...
Wednesday 15th July 2020 10:48 pm
Readers should be aware that the play may contain outdated attitudes, language and cultural depictions which may cause offence today. And nuts. And in no way does its publication, replication or production intend to justify, endorse or celebrate the morality contained therein.
In particular, we do not condone the stereotyping of the three witches as women with their associated body shaming whi...
Monday 13th July 2020 5:47 pm
A re-post from a few years ago and included in my epic tome "Proper Poems by John Coopey: t'Finest Bloody Poet from Chapel Haddlesey Ever To Draw Breath". Always happy to improve on the works of inferior poets like Lewis Carroll.
“The Walrus and the Carpenter
Licked their lips so sweet
And pondered their good fortune
At that tasty mollusc treat;
Then idly stretched to doze awhi...
Saturday 11th July 2020 9:48 pm
An attempt at mid-line assonance and end-line consonance. A re-post from 2012. (I no longer require a penile cage to restrain me!).
In the mind and on the flesh sense the crop’s keen edge
Hear the swish and feel the thresh; Mistress will oblige.
One’s for you; the second’s mine; the third is born in rage
Three red welts in perfect line; Mistress will oblige.
Pain and pleasure ...
Thursday 9th July 2020 9:45 am
Fellow Baby Boomers will no doubt recall that rite of passage that was the Eleven Plus. For non-Boomers that was an exam every kid took at the age of eleven (as it happens) to determine your next educational path. Those who passed went on to the grammar school, those that didn’t didn’t. They went on to the secondary modern, and for the vast majority of the population that “cut” set the seal on th...
Tuesday 7th July 2020 4:59 pm
(You will see where I got the inspiration for this. More than the inspiration, really. I have just taken his piece and wrapped the song around it. See first comment)
Baby, look at me
And tell me what you see
You try to be woke and polite
But BAME just means that I’m not white.
You don’t know what you say or do
With just two boxes – me and you;
How, morally, can this be...
Saturday 4th July 2020 8:31 am
(History Made Simple. A masterpiece of mine included in the anthology "Still Life with Wine and Cheese", celebrating all that's best about France. A slim volume!)
There stood mud ‘n’ puddles where once there’d stood flowers
It bucketed stair rods for ‘ours ‘n’ ‘ours
It tested us patience; it tested us powers
To trudge to the port-a-loo
At the Battle o’ Waterloo.
Wednesday 1st July 2020 8:05 pm
(This might come across as a bit dewy-eyed. In fact, although I made a good living out of it for more than 20 years, for the sake of the planet and my grandchildren, I don't mourn the loss of the coal industry)
Around the town of Barnsley there were 30,000 men
In hey-days of their glory; that was when
They worked the local mines for coal,
Descending down a half mile hole
Sunday 28th June 2020 3:28 pm
Following Brexit I had held the view for quite a time that we must be the most stupid nation on the planet; why else would 17m people vote for something when they didn’t know what they’d get (and still don’t for that matter).
Now I don’t want to downgrade Britain’s achievements in this department but events in the USA have caused me to re-evaluate my position. Now, you might think I’m a bit sl...
Thursday 25th June 2020 9:17 pm
(One of them there haikupis)
Prayers before bedtime
An homage to The Great One
Religion in flight
Wednesday 24th June 2020 5:36 pm
I write this piece for the many thousands of my worldwide fans with less inquisitive minds than my goodself.
It’s said that one of the differences between prose and poetry is that the latter tends to address many of the more weighty aspects of the human condition – death, nature, loss, love etc., and certainly I have witnessed several of you attempting a well-meaning put at these matters. So i...
Monday 22nd June 2020 3:17 pm
I could have baked a wholemeal loaf
Or set tomato seeds
I could have made a tenon joint
Or learned to iron a shirt.
I could have planted taters
Or learned to make a fire
Or mixed up concrete with my dad
Or learned the call of birds.
I could have watched the stars at night
Or edged and mowed the lawn
I could have gone on nature walks
Friday 19th June 2020 11:24 pm
(What's all this bollocks about it being good for the mental health of the nation?)
Those days of heartache seem so long ago
But very soon I know
They’ll return on the TV and the radio;
This three month lock-down’s been so good for me
I’ve found it so stress-free
But now returns the misery
So let the heartache begin
It makes no difference – lose or win
And though we...
Wednesday 17th June 2020 8:35 am
I had an argument today (I’m quite a bolshie sod)
And one I knew I couldn’t win – an argument with God.
I know he is the Father of All Creatures Great and Small
And has no favourites in between; He loves them one and all.
And I had cruelly murdered one. No question, it was dead.
I’d panicked when I’d seen it there – a spider in my bed.
I pleaded mitigation, “It's just an ar...
Sunday 14th June 2020 8:26 pm
What a bloody nonsense all this is. This taking down of statues business.
Let me say from the outset that I deplore the killing of George Floyd and all the others who have died at the hands of police brutality. I support the demonstrations in protest at this (peaceful and socially distanced, I add) although I do wonder what their aims are. It seems to me that there are ample protections agai...
Friday 12th June 2020 2:35 pm
We used to play a game with the kids when they were little to keep them occupied on long journeys. It was called, “Draw the Music”.
The idea was simple. I played a cassette of music and they drew or wrote what picture it made them think of. The music had to have no words, of course, otherwise it suggested itself. Classical music was good for this, as they had no pre-conceived ideas about it...
Thursday 11th June 2020 10:22 pm
(I thought this site needed a poem in foreign. An homage to our trusted friends across the Channel)
Quand il me prend dans ses bras
Il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose
Edith Piaf, petit pain
And Zinedine Zidane
Depardieu with grand nose
No-one likes Charles Aznavour
Don’t mention Agincourt
It makes them tres morose
Ballets and Calais, aussi Charles de Ga...
Tuesday 9th June 2020 11:00 pm
I found myself watching that pretentious piece of Old Shag called “Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown” some time ago, when a snippet of trivia got wedged in my napper.
You probably know the format; it’s a panel game hosted by some self-important prig with a laugh like a donkey and a couple of women “experts” - a looker who deals with some numbers and a dowdy looking piece that doesn’t. Well, the d...
Sunday 7th June 2020 6:46 pm
(A man afraid of his own people)
Hideaway (Come on)
A man with two feet of clay
A man who will talk True Grit
The truth of it
He’s full of shit
And needs to hideaway.
Hideaway (Come on)
Far from the light of day
Leaving behind this mess
Of black unrest
And their protest
Where he can hideaway.
Hideaway (Come on)
Far from the crowds that bay...
Thursday 4th June 2020 6:27 pm
You might remember him as Billy Elliot’s best friend, the one who liked dressing up in his sisters’ clothes and wearing make-up. We last saw him in the audience for a performance of Swan Lake, with a grown-up Billy taking the lead role. On one side of him were Billy’s dad and brother; on the other, we assumed his black friend. Michael himself wore woman’s clothing with little skill.
We were ...
Wednesday 3rd June 2020 12:07 pm
(A shocking disgrace that I should feel the need to repost this, as George Floyd adds to the catalogue of black Americans who died at the hands of the police).
There you go and, Trayvon, here am I
One black, one white, so one’s OK to die
No need to puzzle or to wonder why
Cos a black life doesn’t matter anymore.
Akai Gurney, Ford and Michael Brown
Eric Garner ...
Monday 1st June 2020 11:16 am
When I set out my bedding plants
I garden in my underpants;
Cos now we’re all in isolation
I’m free from risk of visitation;
The only time my theory fails
Is when the postie fetches mail
Or Tesco’s Gill brings us our food;
She asked me “Why not garden nude?”
I told her she’s a silly twit -
There’s always chance I’d kneel on it.
Friday 29th May 2020 5:09 pm
(On the altar of poetic licence I have sacrificed the grammatically correct "Cummings's" for the grammatically incorrect "Cummings')
It’s Cummings’ Home
It’s Cummings’ Home
That farm was Old Man Cummings’ Home
Talk about staying in your home
Don’t go out and don’t roam
Isolate on your own
You’re instructed to keep in confines
Or else risk a fine
Tuesday 26th May 2020 4:14 pm
(A true story; in as much as any dream is true!)
Our Sam dropped by to wish us well
But also had a tale to tell;
Now, I could tell it but I’ll let Sam
Cos no-one tells one like she can.
That’s No.2 daughter…….Not quite right in the head.
“Last night I had a horrid dream
The worstest nightmare’s ever been;
As I was walking down the street
I got swept up and off ...
Sunday 24th May 2020 4:12 pm
(A re-post from 2015)
I well recall some years ago
Before I had a car and so
I’d caught the bus to go to town
I paid my fare and then sat down;
A woman was sat next to me
(I paid no mind and nor did she);
And so in silence on our way
We journeyed, till I heard her say
“If you don’t eat up” she began,
“I’ll give it to this nice young man”;
I glanced and saw the...
Thursday 21st May 2020 10:27 pm
(My worldwide Facebook fans will have been perturbed by my absence)
Don’t do Facebook anymore
Di’n’t do Twitter too before
Yes, I’ve kicked them out the door
So you all now know the score
Don’t do Facebook anymore.
There’s no reason why I should
Read the posts of stupid cruds
I’d ignore them if I could
But I can’t; in likelihood
My responses cause bad blood....
Wednesday 20th May 2020 10:51 pm
I got to thinking about Temptation as a theological concept within the construct of The Seven Deadly Sins the other day. Worldwide fans will be aware of my ruminations on these from previous treatises I have posted in scholastic publications like Facebook.
Essentially I was trying to weigh myself on the balance of scales and decided that on Gluttony, Sloth and Greed I am banged to rights, where...
Sunday 17th May 2020 7:55 pm
Let’s hear it for the doctors and the nurses on our wards
The thousands upon thousands who will never win awards
“They’re heroes” Boris now insists
He’ll soon forget - their worth dismissed
One tokened in the Honours List
So beat the drum for nurses.
Let’s hear it for the carers who look after Britain’s aged
Their contribution to the cause deemed unskilled and low waged...
Thursday 14th May 2020 9:02 pm
“I can’t remember if I cried
When I’d committed budgicide
But something touched me deep inside
The day the budgies died.” (They were canaries, actually).
It was something that gained me a notoriety it took a long time to shake off.
During the year-long Miners’ Strike of 1984/85 management staff not in the National Union of Mineworkers were seconded to pits on safety cover. Th...
Tuesday 12th May 2020 6:00 pm
(Tonight's BBC1 screening of "Darkest Hour" and the VE anniversary prompted me to re-post this blog of mine from 2015)
It will not have escaped the notice of newswatchers that we have just marked the 50th anniversary of Churchill’s death. Like him or loathe him, he was one of the great shapers of modern Britain. So too was Arthur Greenwood.
In May 1940 Britain stood on the brink of de...
Saturday 9th May 2020 9:44 pm
I’m really enjoying this lockdown,
Though some of you might be appalled;
My life carries on unabated -
The difference is slight, if at all.
The pension rolls in as per schedule,
Curfew or none, come what may;
It’s just like a permanent furlough
Without a reduction of pay.
There’s little I miss about lock-down
There’s nowhere that I’d want to go
I’d rather be...
Thursday 7th May 2020 12:46 pm
I’m not a great socialiser - a bit of a Jonah as such
So what have I missed during lock-down?
In truth, not very much.
Tuesday 5th May 2020 6:24 pm
(Everyone remembered him as the 1960's Pinball Wizard of Brighton seafront. Shortly after, he married his childhood sweetheart, Elsie. They would have been in their 60's now but he died a few years ago. Elsie now has a new love).
Ever since I’ve been an old man I’ve played those wooden balls
Both indoors and on crown green , I must have played them all
But I ain’t seen nothing lik...
Sunday 3rd May 2020 8:37 pm
(Always happy to swim against the flow)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m first to say “I love the NHS”
A beacon of our Welfare State and free; but nonetheless
If I should see a nurse again you’re quite right to assume
In 40, 50 years or more – well, this would be too soon.
And seeing as you’re interested I’ll tell the reason why;
It’s all to do with what blokes do to pass the morning...
Friday 1st May 2020 8:40 am
Your Roman pilum ranks alongside the English longbow as one of the great weapons of warfare. At school, in Latin, we translated it as “spear”, which does it about as much justice as calling Beethoven a “pub turn”.
It was around 6’ long, the heavier shaft accounting for 4’, with a narrower spike of around 2’ at the business end. The tip of the blade had a pyramidical point. As a killing machine...
Tuesday 28th April 2020 10:41 pm
Up in the morning to start your day
“What shall we do?” You hear yourself say
You realise then and you feel a berk
The Government’s said that you can’t work
Should you go out? The answer is “No!”
There’s no particular place to go.
It’s 9am and the time is near
For cracking a can of lager beer
At 10 o’clock and you’re on your third
You’re starting to sweat and your ...
Sunday 26th April 2020 6:14 pm
Like me, you probably always thought a toe rag was some kind of cheesy-smelling rag you put on or between your toes, perhaps to help with your blisters. Colloquially it was an insult denoting a worthless person. But a visit to the HMS Trincomalee a couple of years ago put me right.
The Trincomalee is one of the last preserved fighting ships still afloat and is moored at Hartlepool Marina. (H...
Friday 24th April 2020 8:46 pm
(It's laddo's birthday today (deathday, for that matter). I thought I'd give one of his more tiresome dirges a chuck-on with this facelift from my shed stable)
Shall I compare thee to a summerhouse?
Thou art more sturdy and more waterproof;
A summerhouse is for a great girl’s blouse;
Conservatories? Thou thinkest me a poof!
Sometime too hot doth blaze Apollo’s eye
Thursday 23rd April 2020 3:03 pm
(A true history. Mostly)
You’ve all ‘eard o’ t’Spanish Armada,
‘ow King Phillip the Schofield of Spain
Singed ‘is beard an’ then ‘ow ‘is navy
Got stuffed in Elizabeth’s reign.
An’ at Trafalgar Lord Nelson
Gen them Froggies some stick,
But died ‘olding Oliver ‘ardy
‘is bicorn spelled out “Kiss Me Quick”.
I’ll bet, though, yer less well acquainted
Wi one ove...
Monday 20th April 2020 10:46 pm
(I had to do several takes of the audio. I kept choking up)
She’s 5’ 2” and he’s 6’ 4”
She’s black, he’s white, it really doesn’t care
He’s all of 81 and she’s only 17
Its gift is death to each in equal share;
She’s a Muslim from Iran, he’s a Catholic from France
A rich man or a pauper on the dole
It’s a doctor or a nurse inside that funeral hearse
Who’s Bangladeshi o...
Thursday 16th April 2020 7:44 pm
Was his nick-name because his surname include “itch” in it. He was quite young, in his twenties I’d guess, fresh from training college, and an unkempt, fat bloke with irregular teeth. His shirt always gaped above his trousers revealing his belly button.
He taught English at my grammar school and was a sadistic bastard. This was in the days of teachers hitting kids with impunity or picking th...
Tuesday 14th April 2020 4:01 pm
(A pic of my garden rockery looking swell)
We suffer at the World Cup from the Germans’ discipline
In rugby and in cricket it’s the same;
You’d think New Zealand and the Aussies too might let us win
Inventing as we did the bloody game!
But all good things, the saying goes, will come to he who waits
In time those foreign countries will admire us
As Britain plays the a...
Saturday 11th April 2020 11:03 am
(I fear I will be taken out by the Illuminuminatti for posting this)
It’s all here on Facebook – something new
One more barmpot theory made for you;
Read all about the conspiracy
The virus Corona’s been caused by 5G
The story world leaders are plying are just packs of lies
I’ve read it on Facebook it starts when you eat Wigan pies
Then growing inside you, unsportsmanlike...
Wednesday 8th April 2020 5:59 pm