I FEAR IT WON’T END WELL
The torture and the tyranny at last are overthrown
The hopes and flags of freedom from Aleppo now are flown
But tearing down is easy whilst rebuilding - who can tell?
So scepticism gnaws at me - I fear it won't end well.
Wednesday 11th December 2024 12:56 pm
GARDEN OF LOVE
(An inferior homage to the original of that master wordsmith, Benny Hill)
The crocus and the hostas raise your mother’s memory
I recall the vile old crow cos she looked like a hoss to me
The cowslips bring back memories where they’re planted in the grass
The daft bat fell there; I said “That fat cow’s slipped on her arse”
We’d hide behind the cedar when I’d see’d her look for m...
Monday 9th December 2024 9:12 pm
HANA REINER, WHO WERE YOU?
(Everyone should visit Auschwitz)
Hana Reiner, who were you?
German, Czech or Polish Jew?
Did promises of better lives
Become no more than cattle drives?
Pointed left or pointed right,
Did you cry both day and night?
Did your mother bring you there?
Did they shave your head of hair?
Did they pull your teeth for gold?
Were you young or were you old?
Had your sh...
Saturday 7th December 2024 9:11 am
I CAN'T CARE FUCKING LESS
There's death in Gaza and Beirut
There's death across Ukraine
There's hunger and there's homelessness
The world is full of pain
A madman in the White House
A button at his thumb
Another in the Kremlin
To bring us Kingdom Come
The Polar ice is melting
And so I must confess
About what some bald bloke has said
I can't care fucking less.
Wednesday 4th December 2024 11:28 am
THE WORLD'S MOST TRAVELLED RAFFLE PRIZE
'Twas in the village scout hut that she first made her debut
Proudly showing off her ticket – Yellow 482;
She chatted quite excitedly beside a Gordon's Gin
But they soon left then followed by a Crawford's Shortbread tin;
Then Head and Shoulders, Action Man and toddler's xylophone
So sadly Yellow 482 was left there on her own;
“You'd better take that crap one” a mum yelled to her ...
Monday 2nd December 2024 8:36 am
SCHRODINGERS' IMMIGRANTS
These are all those foreigners
For whom their dual goal
Is both to take our jobs from us
While living on the dole.
And at the forefront of all this
The Daily Mail notes
Are those who risk their lives for this
Their war cry “Stop the Boats!”
But what they never publish
Which gets far less acclaim
Official figures for this year
Show 30,000 came.
Yet...
Friday 29th November 2024 4:27 pm
ASPIRING TO MEDIOCRITY
Increasingly these days I find myself thinking back to cinematic images of vainglory from my younger years. It brings it home to me just how distant and lost these are when I try to cross a busy road. When once I would lope across like a panther these days I more resemble a Bobby Shafto with cerebral palsy - the object of fellow pedestrians calling out to me, “You stupid old twat”. So memories ten...
Wednesday 27th November 2024 10:20 pm
IT AIN'T ME, BABE
We voted in our millions – our democratic say;
The Tories were defeated; we blew Rees Mogg away;
But once we'd taken office we very quickly found
They'd hidden a black hole from us of £20b.
It needed rectifying come what may
But it ain't me, babe
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe
It ain't me what's gonna pay.
The deficit wants funding – on that we all agreed
We cannot g...
Wednesday 20th November 2024 7:46 pm
METHANE
(It might have been Cocaine for Eric Clapton and JJ Cale but it's an altogether different story for me)
If you're living on beans the consequence means
Methane
And likewise no doubt are boiled brussel sprouts
For Methane
You'll soon lose your chums with what comes from your bum
Methane
So, quick! Blame the dog; then it's off to the bog
Methane
Know well, t...
Sunday 17th November 2024 10:36 pm
THE SALUTARY TAIL OF FAISAL THE TURKISH NOSE BARBER
Faisal was a barber
He worked at Turkish Joe's
He'd snip off your unwanted hair
From places where it growed
He was the Yorkshire Champion
He specialised in “Nose”.
He beat the best in Barnsley
And Gary Grant from Goole
And Scissors Spike from Heckmondwike
Whose towels were judged too cool
Then Razor Ron from Rotherham
Reputed to be cruel.
His prize was...
Tuesday 12th November 2024 10:17 pm
WOJTEK
Wojtek was a private
But Wojtek was much more
And at Monte Cassino
Wojtek went to war;
He carried ammunition
The Germans were in awe
Of Wojtek who was legend in
The Polish 2nd Corps;
Wojtek liked his cigarettes
And Wojtek liked a beer
He wrestled and he danced with
Colleagues Wojtek loved so dear;
And when the war was over
To Edinburgh he came
He died in 1...
Sunday 10th November 2024 8:32 pm
MR TANGERINE MAN
(I cannot take any credit/blame for the brilliant title which I have heard elsewhere before. Also apologies for the problems i seem to be having getting the guitar accompaniment to record properly.)
Hey, Mr Tangerine Man
Back once more I see
Master of the land from Florida right up to Maine
And hey, Mr Tangerine Man
Scourge of refugees
With your second chance to Make the US...
Wednesday 6th November 2024 6:17 pm
TOMMY ROBINSON
(Apologies for the poor sound quality of the guitar accompaniment leaving my singing even more exposed)
So here's to you, Tommy Robinson
Prison holds a place for you today
Hey hey hey.
Enjoy yourself Tommy Robinson
Locked up 18 months; enjoy your stay.
Hey hey hey.
Now it's come home Tommy Robinson
Hounding refugees was just good sport
It's good to know Tommy R...
Friday 1st November 2024 6:37 pm
£22bn
We need to find more money
On that we all agree;
But as to how to raise it
We all agree “Not Me!”.
Tuesday 29th October 2024 5:10 pm
TOILET ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN
To prevent you causing trouble these guidelines I will set
Which you should follow faithfully – your toilet etiquette.
It's always a conundrum that you'll have seen first hand
At which of the urinals you should opt to stand;
Take this formation if you will – there's four urinal loos,
A bloke is stood at Number 1, so which one should you choose?
The obvious one is Number 4 to give...
Friday 25th October 2024 4:58 pm
ALL ROADS LEAD TO DEATH
In Auschwitz and in Birkenau
All roads lead to death
Treblinka, Sobibor, Dachau
In Auschwitz and in Birkenau
Jehovah will not help you now
We took our last sweet breath
In Auschwitz and in Birkenau
All roads lead to death.
In Auschwitz and in Birkenau
By bullet and by gas
Or by starvation this was how
In Auschwitz and in Birkenau
The whole wide world would ...
Sunday 20th October 2024 9:18 pm
THE TWO FAT SLAGS
(Prompted by yesterday's flight home from Malaga)
Flying home from Sicily
I found myself booked in Seat B
You've guessed – the middle one of three
Between The Two Fat Slags;
Once seated I could quickly tell
Their scent was not Coco Chanel
But rather a more acrid smell
Of armpits, beer and fags.
It seemed from how these girls would speak
They'd been away...
Saturday 12th October 2024 10:12 pm
THREADS
As Milton rages death and destruction
half a world away
a butterfly with a broken wing
falls to earth
never to fly again
Thursday 10th October 2024 2:06 am
COSTA COFFEE
There’s no more boring chore in life
Than to wait behind your wife
While she’s looking for a handbag or a dress
Our Gert had thought I’d lost her
But I’d slipped away to Costa
For a coffee while she shopped at M & S.
Since they use a stronger bean
Their Flat White always seems
A tasty and invigorating brew
To be sure to get a seat
To enjoy this leisured treat
...
Wednesday 2nd October 2024 5:43 pm
POETRY IN MOTION
Let me put this out there straight away. Freddie Tyas was called “Spaz”. I can’t help that. He was.
I’m talking here about my schooldays in the 60’s. If you’ve seen any of those TV programmes like “It Was Alright in the 80’s” you’ll understand that it was alright in the 80’s. Twenty years earlier in the 60’s it was even more “alright”. We were closer to World War 1 than the 60’s are to us...
Monday 23rd September 2024 12:29 pm
DOING IT TWICE
We made our way to bed one night
I pulled down all the blinds
We kissed by filtered moonlight
Passion in our minds.
My wife broke from our close embrace
“I won’t be long. Don’t go”
And headed for the bathroom door
Then cruelly stubbed her toe.
She cried in pain and anguish
Which turned to plaintive sob
Her toe turned black in anger
Continuing to throb.
...Wednesday 18th September 2024 10:48 pm
WINTER FUEL PAYMENT
(A re-post of an earlier one from 2020 - 4 years ahead of its time)
What a nonsense this is; that someone as rich as Croesus like me should be eligible. The reason is because it’s a universal payment, the only qualifications being that you are over state pension age and lived in the UK for at least one day in the last week of September.
You don’t even need to be alive. My dad qualified...
Sunday 15th September 2024 11:25 am
SIEGE OF LENINGRAD 1941-44
I watched my MaTb and OTeU starve
Wishing they were dead
I loved them both with all my heart
But needed more their bread.
Wednesday 11th September 2024 10:50 pm
PRISON OVERCROWDING
I’ve got it! The solution to the above.
The situation has become exacerbated by the glut of brainless protesters and anti-protest protesters who are being pushed through the courts to administer swift deterrence (as opposed to punishment). The government’s remedy is to let out of prison other “bad lads” in order to make room.
The obvious solution, however, albeit a nettle feared to be gras...
Friday 6th September 2024 9:42 pm
"TWO WORLD WARS AND ONE WORLD CU-U-UP"
The chant of Eng-er-land football fans whenever we play Germany. In stark contrast in intellect when Germany won the final of the European Championship in 1996, their fans were singing,
“It’s coming home
It’s coming home
It’s coming
Football’s coming home”
In English.
But it is telling that a brand of Englishman takes credit for winning the Second World War, despite the fact th...
Monday 2nd September 2024 5:17 pm
WHEN GRANDAD COMES ROUND FOR TEA
(A poem I wrote for the kids and their grandad)
If Grandad should come round to our house sometime
For lunch or for dinner or tea
He’ll tell us he’s not a big eater these days
“Don’t serve up too much for me”.
He likes a red wine before his repas
It serves as aperitif
And anyway these days he can’t chew so well
Not with his NHS teeth.
In time we’ll sit dow...
Tuesday 27th August 2024 10:52 pm
YER DYSON AIRBLADE
We'd been to Designer Outlet
A day full of dull misery
I’d sampled a few cups of coffee
Which meant that I needed a pee.
I nipped to the public convenience
And read all the ads on the wall
Avoiding the one on Viagra
(A bloke was in the next stall).
But then as I left the urinals
I heard from the Ladies next door
The sound of a Dyson Airblade
Making its motorised ro...
Sunday 25th August 2024 10:25 pm
PACEMAKER
My heart was stronger than a Sulzer pump
It beat a steady 60bpm – thump thump thump
It’s seen me through rugby and marathons too
Those days when my ticker was nearly brand new.
These days I’m fitted with a Pacemaker
I had a problem that I never knew
Now the Old Ticker just needs a quick kick up the backside,
It’s gone askew;
That’s why I have to have a Pacemaker
I’m...
Thursday 22nd August 2024 10:42 pm
DOLLY PIECRUST
I’m sure that those of you who’ve been paying attention to my magnum opuseses will recollect a piece I posted some little while ago from my time in the mining industry and, specifically, about some of the characters it threw up. The malapropping Osbert Hartley and Alec Simmons, of whom it was said that “he’d fuck an old bayonet wound”. This piece, though, is about another of these real-life cart...
Tuesday 20th August 2024 9:53 pm
REDIFFUSION
While walking down the High Street
I wondered “Where’d they go?”
I looked for Rediffusion
But find it, could I? No!.
Before the time of mobile phones
If you’d want to know
The football scores at 5 o’clock
That was where you’d go.
Now where I once watched hoping
And praying Spurs won’t lose
It’s now a beauty parlour
Where you can get tattoos.
It d...
Sunday 18th August 2024 10:39 pm
I FOUGHT THE LAW
We thought we’d show they’re not welcome
So me and my mates and some Nazi scum
“Send them back to where they come from”
I fought the law but the law won.
I fought the law but the law won.
We set some wheelie bins alight
“Yorkshire! Yorkshire!”; find a fight
Falling for what Twitter spun
Ignorant or just plain dumb.
I fought the law but the law won.
I fought the l...
Tuesday 13th August 2024 8:47 pm
THE VERGER AND THE MAGISTRATE
Many of my worldwide fans will be aware that I ended my gainful employment some few years ago as verger at Selby Abbey. I thought it would be a good idea to try to atone for a lifetime's indiscretions. Indeed I did this so successfully that I now sit one rung down from the fucking angels.
This is a poem about me and a friend of mine (actually he was the best man at our wedding) who has become ...
Saturday 10th August 2024 10:26 pm
CORDUROY
These days I find it hard to catch
A lady’s eye (more so her snatch)
Until I found this secret ploy
I’ve started wearing corduroy;
Cos when they’ve reached a certain age
They can’t resist it brown or beige;
And, better still, their heartbeat races
If they’re held up by some braces.
This rarely fails but if it does
Fret ye not nor make a fuss
Cos deadly for a silv...
Wednesday 7th August 2024 10:40 pm
THE BLUE PLAQUE
In this house was Coopey born
This plaque says now he’s dead and gorn
For England 50 goals he claimed
Combined with those of Harry Kane
As Alan Turing in disguise
He also won the Nobel Prize
He made him look a sluggish dolt
When he raced that Usain Bolt
Amongst the literati too
Comparators were precious few
As general it’s Britain’s loss
He wore till death his pro...
Sunday 4th August 2024 10:35 pm
YER MORRIS 1800
(I was prompted to post this from my Greatest Hits back catalogue because I saw on Bangers and Cash that one of these "land crabs" as they were known fetched £7000 at auction)
Yer Morris 1800 motor car
Was not designed to travel very far;
It was the first one that I bought
And, sensibly, you might have thought
For ninety quid that I’d been caught
With “MUG” across my head.
...Tuesday 30th July 2024 9:14 pm
TEETHING TROUBLES
I remember my grandad telling me when I was little (about 3’ 6”, I’d guess) that, for a 21st birthday present for my grandma, he paid for her to have all her teeth out and dentures fitted. Apparently, that wasn’t uncommon in those days.
For one thing, it avoided a lifetime contending with rotting teeth and toothache. (I suspect lead toothpaste tubes might have played a part). But also, this ...
Sunday 21st July 2024 3:18 pm
DEAD FLOWERS
Once you stood up there And you didn’t have a care
Knowing that the outcome’s in the bag;
This time though to your cost You discovered that you lost
Sticking in your craw to make you gag.
Taken down, Lizzie Truss, You’ve been taken down
Where’s your hubris now and where’s your crown?
So we will send you dead flowers now you’re leaving
Lamenting once your star so briefly s...
Tuesday 16th July 2024 10:32 pm
SIXTEEN STONES (OF BLUBBER AND LARD)
(Some of you older gits might remember Tennessee Ernie Ford's copy of my original he entitled "Sixteen Tons")
Some people say a man is made out of mud
A poor man’s made out of muscle and blood
Muscle and blood and skin and bone
A mind that’s weak and a back that’s strong.
But this man’s not made out of muscle and bones
Too many chips and beers and cream scones
Too ...
Tuesday 9th July 2024 9:12 pm
BUDAPEST SHOES
It’s one of the least edifying episodes in Hungarian history. The country likes to look back on the heroism of the ’56 Uprising against Russian vassalage, but I discovered on a recent Danube cruise a reminder of a more shameful image of its past.
I was unaware of the “Budapest Shoes” until our visit there. These are iron sculptures of 60-odd pairs of shoes near the Parliament building by the ...
Monday 1st July 2024 12:11 pm
OUR GERT
(A rare love poem from Yours Truly)
I got Sunblest for my snap today
But if I protest I get it anyway
I hear you say
“Who is it treats me this way?”
Our Gert
I’m talking about Our Gert.
I like to see the sights when I’m on holiday
But she drags me round M&S and C&A.
I like to watch on TV Tottenham Hotspur play
But it’s “Friends” instead and not “Match ...
Friday 28th June 2024 8:40 pm
SIR RODNEY
I read recently on the BBC News website a story about a former Oxford student who was surprised to find that he was roomed next door to the Crown Prince of Japan, now Emperor Naruhito. It took my eye because I too was at University with royalty – namely Rodney Sempa (Anglicised name) the nephew of the previously deposed King of Uganda, who, although he was known as King Freddie, his full Sunday n...
Wednesday 26th June 2024 9:40 pm
THE LION RAMPANT
The odd defeat of England or a victory abroad
Constitute the rare times when the Lion Rampant roared.
They suffer renewed expectation as the game unfolds
Ignoring the same narrative that many time’s been told
A glass of Scotch half empty though is always full of Hope
But falling in the same trap twice is known as rope-a-dope
Then fervour breeds hysteria if Scotland first sho...
Monday 24th June 2024 6:28 pm
RESEARCH
(Prepare to be disappointed again)
A professor of medicine from Chile
Is conducting research you'd think silly
His study comprises
Comparing the sizes
(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.
It seems the good Doctor's detected
Amongst the sample selected
That phalluses fall
Into “normal” or “small”
(That's under 2 inch when erected).
But a ...
Monday 17th June 2024 10:56 pm
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN
Seven, Magnificent Seven
Mordaunt, Angela Rayner
And some others who have slipped my mind
Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?
Mordaunt, Penny Mordaunt
Rayner, Angela Rayner
And some talking heads that’s Also-Rans
Like What’s-Her-Name? and Who’s-His-Face?
Friday 7th June 2024 8:12 pm
THE DANUBE RIVER CRUISE
(Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink)
Those of you who have been paying attention will know that we’ve just been on a Danube cruise – our first river cruise although we’ve been on a few around the Med before Covid. There are a number of differences which I shan’t bore you with now (if I haven’t already) but there is one interesting similarity – toilet protocol.
On both types...
Friday 7th June 2024 1:26 am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUDE
(It was Our Gert's birthday yesterday as we came home from a Danube Cruise. I wrote this in her card)
I’m sitting now upon this bog
Completing here the Captain’s log
With all my might I push and shove
With all my heart I write with love
“I hope you’ve liked this Danube cruise
I hope you’ve drunk enough free booze
I know you ate enough free food
So Happy Birthday ...
Tuesday 4th June 2024 12:02 pm
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING, MR STARMER?
Who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer
If you think old Rishi’s done?
We are the boys who smashed down your North Red Wall
We are the boys who will bring about your fall;
So who do you think you are kidding Mr Starmer
If you think the voting’s won?
We don’t care about Lib Dems cos they will not perform
The Nationalists are shafted; we don’t care about Reform.
Who ...
Saturday 25th May 2024 10:52 pm
LIMP AND ANODYNE
I read recently that the children’s classic “Huckleberry Finn” had been removed from many school libraries on the basis that it is considered racist. It’s been years since I read it (Tom Sawyer too) so my memory is not sharp on this; but I am prepared to concede that it is racist if I am told so.
And a good thing too – not the racism but the banning. I see it as one more footstep towards our ...
Thursday 23rd May 2024 9:34 pm
WE'LL WIN THE LEAGUE NEXT YEAR
(A poem I could have written every year since 1961)
No question we will win the League next year
And he who doubts can only be a fool
For Tottenham Hotspur l’heure de gloire is near.
You other teams might scoff and gloat and jeer
That Spurs have dined so long on football gruel
But there’s no doubt we’ll win the League next year
Just mark my words – it’s time to ...
Monday 20th May 2024 5:03 pm
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