Nicola Beckett on d.knape
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Nicola Beckett on LONE CLOUD
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They made the news some little while ago. Les Gilets Jaunes or Yellow Jackets as it translates.
They emerged in 2018, protesting about something or other. But you can’t take French street protests too seriously when they happen every other day. It might have been over pension reform or air traffic control or lorry drivers or the price of frogs’ legs – it’s all pretty incomprehensible to anyo...
Tuesday 27th July 2021 8:35 pm
I thought that Auden made a creditable putt at this but nevertheless it needed improving!
Where is the Night Mail which once crossed the border
Which brought us our cheques and our postal orders
With bundles of letters for disembarcation
For sorting at depots next door to the station
An essential amenity served by the train
But post’s now transported by truck or by plane
Saturday 24th July 2021 11:02 pm
An oldie but a goldie.
They say we’re young but I’m a man
And ewe, I know is mutton dressed as lamb.
The other sheep say it’s wrong when
You shag me as well as other men.
Babe, I got ewe Babe.
I got ewe Babe.
Those happy nights we spent alone
While next door your sheepdog gnawed his bone.
I’d take a shower, you’d swim the dip,
I’d paint your hooves, I’d...
Tuesday 20th July 2021 10:21 am
Some little while ago I read Bill Bryson’s “One Summer – America 1927”, in which he writes about various events of that year – the Lindbergh Crossing, Babe Ruth’s season and the release of The Jazz Singer among other things. The genius of the man is to make “unputdownable” something about which I had no prior interest. It inspired me to have a go myself and, with reason, I chose 1952.
It was ...
Saturday 17th July 2021 10:05 pm
A poem I wrote while I was Verger at Selby Abbey
And prior to this each wedding guest
Arrives bedecked in Sunday best
The groom and ushers like cock birds
Winking, whispering knowing words
At length appears this Wednesday’s queen
Alighting from her limousine
Then with her dress the bridesmaids fussed
Last minute details to adjust
Her father proudly standing by
Wednesday 14th July 2021 5:01 pm
The current gourmand’s feast of football at the European Championships reminds me of an incident 55 years ago, almost to the day.
They say there are some events in world history by which you can remember exactly where you were and what you were doing at the time. This was one of those and in that respect is probably shared by every man of my age.
As a 14-year old boy I was suffering a two w...
Monday 12th July 2021 11:45 am
Worldwide fans will have noted the venture in my last post, “World of Sport”, into the comforting realm of nostalgia. As I am a bit loathe to hand back the blanket I submit this offering on “tuffees”.
When I was a nipper the weekend’s evenings were an orgy of sugar and telly. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights me and our Linda would accompany my dad to the beer-off to help relieve his pock...
Wednesday 7th July 2021 5:06 pm
Some interference on the audio.
While I was surfing that cinematic piece of mindless enthralment that is YouTube, I came across some clips of the wonderfully nostalgic World of Sport – Dickie Davis, Eamonn Andrews, Fred Dinenage an’ all.
Several “sports” featured such as darts and ten pin bowling but it was the wrestling which was the jewel in the crown, and whole prison cell doors in m...
Monday 5th July 2021 4:44 pm
If he'd have tried a bit harder this is the masterpiece Cat Stevens could have come up with rather than that piece of pap about not being time to make a change.
As you approach twenty-one
Get out there and start to have fun
But before you start kissing
It’s time you should listen
To a father’s advice to his son.
When choosing a woman, of course,
Be wary of some of th...
Thursday 1st July 2021 11:30 pm
Yes, it’s gonna be a backbench Matt Hancock
His ending has come down to this
A catalogue of criticism and failure
Sealed with a kiss.
Boris Johnson said he’s just “fucking hopeless”
And looked for a way to dismiss
Then Doormat Hancock said “I’ll do it for you,
And seal it with a kiss”.
He lied about all the care homes
He lied about PPE
He stuffed his pocket...
Monday 28th June 2021 10:09 pm
Vitval Orfjall Vebjorn Ejler
Some years ago when I was a pin-striped highwayman, I stayed in a hotel just outside Birmingham; Oldbury, it might have been.
If you can picture 4 or 5 terraced houses knocked through to make one big dwelling you have an idea of the external structure of the hotel. To capitalise on this internally the management had used the several sets of stairs and a myriad ...
Wednesday 23rd June 2021 4:34 pm
It's that time again.
A professor of medicine from Chile
Is conducting research you'd think silly
His study comprises
Comparing the sizes
(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.
It seems the good Doctor's detected
Amongst the sample selected
That phalluses fall
Into “normal” or “small”
(That's under 2 inch when erected).
But a problem has h...
Thursday 17th June 2021 9:23 pm
As reluctant as I am to give credence to any story which appears in the Daily Mail, I could not ignore one which popped up on my iPad.
it seems that august and revered body, Stonewall, not content with having got itself in a bit of a dog-knot with LGBTQ.... transgender issues (don’t get me started!) has excelled itself in advice it has given to organisations to enable them to improve their rat...
Saturday 5th June 2021 9:55 am
We’ve lived in it for 35 years. We bought it new so “Ol’ House” is a bit of a stretch. But we’re moving soon. “Downsizing” they call it, although the concept seems to have eluded Our Gert who has gone for another 4-bedroomed detached which will end up costing us more than we’re getting for ours. I, on the other hand, was looking for something that would do me till they carried me out in a box....
Tuesday 1st June 2021 8:28 am
I’ve played in most positions so that being quick and lean
I started off at fullback where I wore the shirt “15”.
I joined the line in their attacks, my kick was like a mule’s,
I tackled like a rhino (sometimes within the rules!)
A surfeit of jam puddings, though, at dinner time would mean
The coaches said that I’d become the fattest back they’d seen;
And fellow team mates o...
Friday 28th May 2021 9:58 pm
An imminent house move means I shall have to leave my sheds behind. Our Gert has threatened me that the new abode is to be shed-less. Little does she realise that a shed is the secret to a happy marriage.
There’s summat that a husband like me dreads
That they ought to warn a bloke of when he weds;
That’s the sound of Our Gert’s call
And her ominous footfall;
That’s why the Gre...
Wednesday 26th May 2021 11:10 pm
Unlike ourselves they’ll not grow old
Now empty shells where once they sold
Their stuff in every High Street town
Their names respected and of renown;
For these victims of this viral year
Some raise a glass, some shed a tear;
Department stores know how this feels
Ask Debenhams, John Lewis, Beales
Oasis, Warehouse, Thorntons closed
And Evans for your fatties’ clothes
Tuesday 25th May 2021 8:20 am
The "eagle"-eyed among you may spot that this is a re-post from when I was a young man in my prime with functioning body parts.
On a cool Torquay evening three kids in the car
One sick just preceding, most of it on Ma;
We’d travelled down from Barnsley, argued all the way
My head was pounding from the constant shouting;
Just glad to end that day.
A sign by the highway was a ...
Sunday 23rd May 2021 12:46 am
Some years ago, while I was working on a contract away from home, my shoes gave up on me. I was desperate to get another pair to go to work in the next day so choice was a bit limited. I found a pair in a charity shop which seemed to do the job. Some of the clothes in these shops are from house clearances after a bereavement. And I could tell that these shoes were from a dead man. What's more...
Thursday 20th May 2021 10:50 pm
In the early 1990’s I was tasked by British Coal with organising the recruitment for the imminently opening North Selby Mine.
We preferred experienced transferees from closing mines, either locally or from further afield, like South Wales; but we also took on “Green Labour”.
I recall one occasion when I received a bunch of application forms which included two from Russia. Bear in mind that ...
Monday 17th May 2021 8:35 pm
I've just given my 50th donation today. I was disappointed not to be trumpeted in.
I’ve seen many movies that starred Vincent Price
Or Karloff or Christopher Lee
I’ve watched at the cinema or on the box
Where I’ve peeped from behind the settee.
I saw Captain Quint get clean bit in half
By a fish we just knew as Jaws
The Exorcist too made me sweat at what next
Thursday 13th May 2021 7:22 pm
Isn’t that the Freerider Kensington she’s riding?
With Captain’s seat and pneumatic tyres?
By the way, where’d ya buy it?
I saw it stood in EdenCare
It had pizzaz, it had the flair
I thought “That’s mine. I’m Leader of the Pack”.
My knees were always letting me down (down down down)
I struggled hard to walk around town;
I couldn’t tackle modest h...
Tuesday 11th May 2021 10:11 pm
I’ve planted spuds; I’ve planted peas;
I’ve scrabbled round on hands and knees;
I’ve sprayed against a plague of bugs
But seen them eaten up by slugs;
The seeds had cost me seven quid
Which from the wife I kept well hid;
I’ve had to chuck them in the bin
(At Tesco’s they’re ten pence a tin!)
In light of this my bets I’ve hedged
And gave up cultivating veg;
Sunday 9th May 2021 10:46 pm
I'd never heard the saying until we visited some years ago.
The chanting in the cloister
The pealing of the bell,
As sure as God’s in Gloucester
So all with Gloucester’s well.
It’s said that God in Heaven
Benignly chose this place
This city by the Severn
To domicile his grace.
So many towers skywards tilt
As to the clouds they’ve clawed
So many seats...
Thursday 6th May 2021 8:06 pm
Several of the formative experiences of my earlier years took place on Friday afternoons in the Admiral Duncan, Hyson Green, Nottingham. The place would be crowded with blokes awaiting the arrival and subsequent deshabille of the day’s stripper.
A particular favourite of mine and many of the others was a woman in her late 20’s I’d guess, whose name has faded into the mists of my youth but whos...
Wednesday 28th April 2021 11:21 pm
I'm reading Hunter Davies's "The Co-op's Got Bananas" at the moment - recollections of his childhood. It prompted this memory of mine.
When I was a kid I collected cards. They weren’t cigarette cards by then, with artists impressions of clean-living, square-jawed footballers, all looking like Roy-of-the Rovers.
No, by my childhood you found them mainly in packet tea. I collected ful...
Monday 26th April 2021 8:09 pm
The title is pure plagiarism from Bill Bryson's "The Road to Little Dribbling" which everyone should read rather than my dribblings.
Love me tandoor, sag aloo
Take me to your heart;
Chingri chaat, prawn vindaloo
Popadums to start;
Love me tandoor faithfully
Two peshwari naan
Seekh kebab and prawn puri
Sizzler from the pan.
Love me tandoor, love me nice
Thursday 22nd April 2021 10:38 pm
Bill Brown’s body lies a-turning in his grave
For him, Mackay and Blanchflower it’s not Mammon that they’d crave
And other icons of the past all knew how to behave
But the Spurs have sold their soul.
We have a proud tradition when the season ends in “1”
We’ve won the Cup, we’ve won the League but now this is all gone
He’s branded with his infamy our Harry Kane and Son
Tuesday 20th April 2021 8:54 pm
Last Monday when lockdown eased we were first out of the blocks to whisk our caravan off to Bridlington. Being there was nice but driving there was even more fun.
You folks are always putting me down (down, down)
You say you think I drive like a clown;
It’s fair to say you’re no fan
When you’re stuck behind my caravan.
Tough shit! For now, I’m Leader of the Pack.
Monday 19th April 2021 4:14 pm
Matt Hancock own shares with his sister
In Topwood; he says “It’s no sin”;
Some 15% he was gifted
My God how the money rolls in.
Now Topwood supplies the Health Service
And where does procurement begin?
The Minister is Door Matt Hancock
My God how the money rolls in.
Rolls in, rolls in
My God how the money rolls in.
Now Cameron lobbies for Greensill
Saturday 17th April 2021 2:24 pm
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a zealous republican; but nor am I an ardent monarchist either, for that matter. I sit firmly in the camp of “Don’t give a shit”. It doesn’t bother me whom we have as Head of State to press the flesh of dictators of former colonies.
So it was with deep apathy that I learned of the death of Prince Philip. He struck me as an offensive, upper class twit; but that was...
Thursday 15th April 2021 8:33 pm
Written on the occasion of our Ruby Wedding Anniversary. Cowperthwaite was the vicar. That we ran out of food at the reception was largely down to him, the greedy git.
We have a photo stowed away
That’s taken on our wedding day;
In truth it does not flatter us –
My double chin, your mountainous
Bosoms occupying all
The shot in their supported sprawl.
But when I ma...
Saturday 10th April 2021 7:23 am
A re-post; but who's counting?
There’s a lady out there
And she can’t climb the stairs
At her bedtime which is
Half past seven;
She was lured was Aunt Hannah
By the junkmail from Stannah
Into buying their Stairlift
But she found it so slow
When she needed to go -
Half an hour on the Stairlift
So from ground to first floor
Wednesday 7th April 2021 10:34 pm
The tune is a mish-mash of "Star Trekking" and "While We were Marching through Georgia". But the real debt is to Pam Ayres's "Littering" and to the dirty bastards who've dumped crap down our local country roads.
Fly tipping – we’re out for a nice ride
Fly tipping – the van is full inside
We’d have to pay at dumpit sites so blight the countryside
We’re your friendly fly tippers....
Monday 5th April 2021 7:17 pm
I confess to being a bit envious of those who self-identify on the issue of gender; that despite their meat and two veg they say they are a woman. Or vice versa. And I say “envious” because although I’m not such a person myself (contentedly masculine, you understand, although I have been known to help the boys out when they were busy) it nevertheless strikes me that if it’s biologically permiss...
Saturday 3rd April 2021 11:26 pm
For Doreen, the Mother of Fleetwood,
The dynasty's come to an end
Of strong eucalyptus and menthol;
She's sucked her last Fisherman's Friend.
Thursday 1st April 2021 12:16 am
I’ve often heard cynics deride the efforts of environmental campaigners like Greenpeace or XR for their personal hypocrisy; or for ridiculing a little teenage girl by, predominantly, white middle aged men, for drawing their attention to the issue. “How did they travel to their protest, then?”. “Who made their clothes?”. “Didn’t she fly to the States?”. Criticisms which miss the point completel...
Monday 29th March 2021 9:55 pm
(The first verse, of course, is not mine. It will be well known to rugby players returning home from away matches on the coach. Simple pleasures!)
When I was just a wee wee tot
I sat on my wee wee pot
But wee wee there I could not
Till I lay in my wee wee cot.
Wee wee wee wee wee wee.
And now that I’m an OAP
My bladder’s once more haunting me...
Saturday 27th March 2021 9:50 pm
I’ve sung their praise and I’ll sing it again
How Rob and myself would spend hours there then
In days we could gather and argue the toss
But now they’re all closing and this is our loss.
So long, s’been good to know yuh
Now, though, we say “Cheerio” to
Thorntons, it’s time to forego yuh
These haunts of indulgence are all shutting down
And I’ll lounge in your cafes no m...
Thursday 25th March 2021 7:36 pm
A recollection of a halcyon day in 2017 and referencing the iconic and talismanic Frank Worthington who died today. A cowboy both on and off the pitch.
We praised the God of Yorkshire that October afternoon
It’s not a day we’ll be forgetting sometime very soon;
The scoreboard told the story – it had ended 2 to 1
We sang songs to their glory – the Terriers had won!
They blamed ...
Tuesday 23rd March 2021 6:41 pm
Spare me these doldrums of malaise;
Though loss and shame I’ve known before
Last Thursday was the worst of days.
I simply ask each man that plays
To wear his badge as if to war;
Spare me these doldrums of malaise.
And if we lose, lose in a blaze
With passion not a spineless bore;
Last Thursday was the worst of days.
It’s hard to find some kind of praise
When this stic...
Saturday 20th March 2021 10:30 pm
I think I've heard Billy Connolly say that you have to respect Mother Nature knowing what she's doing. But it's beyond the wit of even David Attenborough to comprehend what threats to your ageing body she is anticipating which makes her cause an explosion of body hair in unlikely places.
I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey
With thick foliage on each eye brow
A growth that ...
Thursday 18th March 2021 8:57 am
Summertime and the lockdown is easing
Hope’s emerging, expectations are high;
Through vaccinations the upper hand we’re seizing
But Covid restrictions will all still apply.
Summertime and the outlook is pleasing,
Folks are thinking “We’ve got this Covid thing beat”;
But use your kokum, and act with sense and with reason
We’ve got an advantage but it’s not yet in full retr...
Monday 15th March 2021 10:31 pm
The world and its uncle knows the number of days there are in March. “Thirty one” some wag says.
But I’m talking celebratory and memorial days like International Women’s Day, St David’s Day, St Patrick’s Day, World Book Day, World Wildlife Day, Red Nose Day, World Poetry Day, Tolkien Day and Piano Day; not to mention the focus there’s been on LGBTQIANTYSILIOGOGOGOCH issues. Any more and they’d...
Saturday 13th March 2021 7:15 pm
N’didi says she’d like to meet me
“Hasty very soon”
She says she’ll come to Ingland
From her home in Cameroon.
She says she has such lovely eyes
And lovely, smile time teeth
She says that she’s a princest
As the dotta of the chief.
It seems that men of my age
Are something of a catch
To 18 year old virgins –
I think we’d make a match.
Thursday 11th March 2021 7:02 pm
From out the closet I now voice
The truth about my drug of choice -
The heroin contained within
The kitchen cupboard’s biscuit tin.
For found there is the stuff of dreams
Jammy Dodgers, Custard Creams;
And pinching one will never do
I need to see the packet through,
Then hiding crumbs is common sense
For fear Our Gert finds evidence.
From breakfast-time I’ll...
Wednesday 10th March 2021 8:17 am
My hardy perennial in support of the sisterhood. I'm not convinced I "ground" the poem properly. Suggestions welcome.
Raise your voices; sisters speak!
International Women’s Week.
Banish weakness. Let’s be strong.
Time to right what has been wrong.
Linking arms in sisterhood,
Pledged to Justice, pledged to Good.
Standing proud and standing tall,
The worth of one the...
Monday 8th March 2021 12:52 pm
I’ve never been the sort of bloke that needs to end up as the hero in one of my own stories. Rather, I quite enjoy being “done up like a kipper” as they say.
Take these two examples.
Some years ago I had the pretentious urge to buy a fob watch for myself. I saw one on Bawtry Market and after examining it thoughtfully and with an entirely unwarranted professional mien, told the stallholder ...
Saturday 6th March 2021 12:16 pm
I walked this battle trail a year or two ago and it's a bloody inhospitable place even without a blizzard and someone trying to stove your head in. Said to be the bloodiest battle ever on British soil.
In 1400 and 61
I believe that was the year
There happened a bit of a fallout
With Yorkshire and Lancashire.
For brothers like this to come to such blows
It needed the ca...
Wednesday 3rd March 2021 9:25 am