FAIRY LIGHTS

 

Before you put them away neatly coiled last year you checked them and they worked.

You took them out this year and they have inextricably entangled themselves; and they don’t work.

You wonder why, but you needn’t.  The answer is in the name, Fairy Lights.  It is, of course, the fairies who make them work.

But where ever there are fairies there are hobgoblins and it is their work to s...

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THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

 

They’re blaming the Russians, they’re blaming the war

They blame the pandemic we suffered before

They’re blaming Liz Truss who’s been shown the door

But no-one dare blame for this gloom

The elephant in the room.

 

They say the supply of labour’s too few

They’re blaming the energy companies too

They’re blaming inflation – well that’s nothing new

But no-one dare blame...

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THE RELUCTANT MONARCHIST

 

I couldn’t get into all that sentimental schmaltz that pervaded our media a month or two ago.  I’m talking about the queen’s death.  Echoes of Princess Di and all that, which equally left me in disinterest.  But I did gauge that it wasn’t quite the right time to post anything on the matter which was less than self-flagellatory.

See, I’m not an avid monarchist.  But, equally, I’m not an avi...

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BIG JUD ET AL

I quickly learned that working for the National Coal Board built up loyalties.  I suppose it came from an environment where men (-no women worked underground by law-) might depend on one another for their lives.  I imagine the same will be true of the armed services or the police and other sectors which operated “on the edge” – where danger, injury or even death might always be around the corner.

...

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GREGGS VOUCHERS

 

I never part with money

To mendicants I meet

Who shelter in shop doorways

Along the city streets.

I fear they wouldn’t  spend it

In escaping from the rain

But rather on White Cider

Or a hit of crack cocaine.

 

But happily I’ll shell out for

A homeless man who begs

On a voucher for a meal and drink

That you can buy from Greggs.

You might not like what I w...

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INVISIBLE

I never used to think about mortality much, not mine at any rate.  I had the whole of my life in front of me.  I’ve still got the whole of my life in front of me but, perversely, there’s three quarters of it behind me.

It isn’t that I hide from the Grim Reaper’s scythe every day; it’s that bodily functions I used to take for granted start to mock me.  And I’m not talking about the expected ones...

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THE LINE AND SQUARE

Not exactly "remembrance" in the conventional sense, but worth a sortie into the murderous mathematics of military history.  A lethal game of rock, paper, scissors.

 

The foundations on which we built Empire

Are scarcely a secret to share

The offensive force of musketry fire

The defensive strength of the square.

 

The advantages of the musketry line

Are best learned mathema...

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MY FIRST...

(There's a bit of slipping on the audio)

 

…Record I bought sits out on a limb with other peoples’ – the common denominator to most of theirs being an “embarrassment” factor.

Take my mate Colin, for example.  He’s a retired fitter who spent donkey’s years working underground for the Coal Board.  As solid and upstanding a bloke as you could meet in a long day’s march.

But I suspect he m...

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MINOR SIN

Where was I last night on Halloween? (A hardy perennial re-post)

 

The mission’s not impossible; it is not even hard;

I just enact the script for Him - a player, nothing more;

It’s happened in the future once it’s become His Word,

Which is to purge creation of the Babylonian Whore.

 

She worms her way through history, corrupted to the core;

In Adam’s fated fall from grace h...

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YOU'RE PULLING MY LEG

Something a little disturbing for Halloween.

 

In those halcyon days of public executions hanging people was a bit of a hit-and-miss affair.  The “science” of determining the drop needed, based on the height and weight of the condemned man or woman, was at best rudimentary and at worse not used. The result was that rather than a quick death from a broken neck the condemned would slowly and p...

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FROM RAGS TO RISHI

Who’d’a believed it?  Just a few short weeks ago he was out in the wilderness –

A former Chancellor dropped from the first team by Captain Truss Beaten to that position on the say-so of 160,000  blue rinses The “socialist” who alluded to higher taxes And reviled as Boris’s backstabber-in-chief by many of his fellow MPs

Then lo! Behold the implosion of Disastrussonomics.

Predict...

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IT'S ONLY MAKE BELIEVE

Jesus! I can't write fast enough to keep up with events on the ground.  She's gone!

 

I gave my solemn oath

To you for Growth, Growth, Growth

I couldn’t then conceive

That it was only make believe.

 

The higher rate of income tax

I pledged that I’d relax

No VAT for tourists to GB

And income tax at 19p

I promised that I’d lose

The duty on your booze

And that I...

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SO….

So, it's starting to piss me off - the current fashion for starting off an answer with "So". Its taken over from random "Likes" in limited vocabularies. So, pack it in!

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5000 MILES

Now I’ve woke up

To this stark reality

That she needs a fall-guy and that stooge is me.

 

Now I’ve woke up

To that’s why she’s brought me back,

Not to share the blame but stab me in the back.

 

Now I’ve woke up

Realising what I am

I’m simply Truss’s sacrificial lamb

 

And I have flown 5000 miles

I had no time to even pack

I’ve raced back so this lousy bi...

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SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT - OLD SPIES

It’s one of those things that’s never occurred to me before, but the onset of dementia in my mother-in-law prompted the thought.  What happens to old spies?

I can’t see any reason why those previously engaged in the Security Services should be immune from its clutches.  And how great a risk is it to a nation to have thousands of spies, each privy to secrets of varying national importance, stumb...

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IT PLEASES ME

 

It pleases me to see black and brown players of African, Asian and Caribbean heritage playing at all levels of sport.  It pleases me.

It pleases me to see couples, one white one black, with kids of mixed race in tow.  It pleases me.

It pleases me to see black and brown politicians at the highest levels of government.  It pleases me.

It pleases me to see them at all levels of society.

...

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YOUR CHEATIN' CARP

Hot on the heels of the news story of the chess cheat who allegedly had vibrating anal beads "about his person" comes this news item of cheating in a big money fishing match in America.

 

Your cheatin’ carp’s

A scam that’s new

But Your Cheating Carp

Will tell on you.

 

Your Cheating Carp

At first prevails;

Your Cheating Carp

Has bust the scales.

 

Your Cheating ...

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U-TURN

I can’t dispel the image of shit flushing down the khazi

Or handbrake turns to spin around a double decker bus

Fear not, though, for embarrassment is not afflicting Kwasi

And neither is it suffered by Liz Truss.

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ANAL BEADS

If this news item has passed you by, I suggest you google “Chess Cheat”.

 

For cheating at the game of chess

There’s nothing better supersedes

Electronic codes my team

Sends my vibrating anal beads.

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FESTIVAL OF TAT

It's Glasgow or it's Liverpool

That's hosting where it's at;

But I shall not be watching

This Festival of Tat.

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WATERLOO TEETH

After the armies moved on, either routed or doing the routing, the field would be left to the looters.  Soldiers, no doubt, but also camp followers such as wives, prostitutes and baggage train minders, along with any locals.  They’d loot the dead, dying and wounded of anything of value – coins, clothing, weaponry, rings, boots.  Even teeth were pulled out with pliers, which for years were known as...

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DISABLED PARKING

I’ll tell you what pisses me off, seeing as you’re interested; that’s the scrotes who aren’t disabled that park in Blue Badge parking spots.

Now I know what you’re thinking.  “How do you know they’re not disabled? Not all disabilities are visible, you know”.

Ok.  I buy this. And I have to say that I’m not above the hypocrisy of parking there myself when other places aren’t available.  Take l...

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FROM KANE TO SON

Well worth the re-post today.

 

You’ve seen this happen times before

You’ve read the script, you know the score

You know it’s coming once again

From Heung-min Son to Harry Kane.

 

The ever-present threat is there

It’s peril to ignore this pair

A quick glance up – the pass is on

From Harry Kane to Heung-min Son.

 

From England and from South Korea

Respect for ...

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BUYING TIME

My father-in-law is an avid gardener.  He visits local garden  centres at least three times a week, and always for a scone and tea lunch.  You might think this is a bit obsessive or even sad but it lends structure to their week and gives my mother-in-law, who has dementia, some sort of physical and mental stimulation.

Quite frequently he’ll also buy a plant or two.  Some might be bargains but s...

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CORGIS

Charles has got the crown and throne

The "line" runs through his sprogs

William gets the Prince of Wales;

I get the bastard dogs!

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Serena Serena GOAT

 

Serena Serena, you deserve your rest

Serena Serena, you truly were the best

Those of us who saw you

Can count ourselves as blessed.

 

Serena Serena, you win my vote

Serena Serena, for you they made the quote

You let your play speak for you

You truly are the GOAT.

 

Serena Serena, the queen when in your prime

Serena Serena, for 20 years sublime

Unrivalled fo...

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DO THEY LET MAN U FANS INTO HEAVEN?

The beautiful games been my passion

I’m one of the game’s connoisseurs

And now as I approach my departure

One more fan will be lost to the Spurs.

 

I’ve followed them since I was a nipper

I’ve idolised Smith, Greaves and Kane

Klinsman, Mackay, Danny Blanchflower

At the Mecca that was White Hart Lane.

 

But now at the end of my lifespan

Before I let my last breath g...

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THE PONTEFRACT SHAGNASTY THREE

Inspired by the sight as I picked them up of my wife, daughter and her friend in Beverley on Race Day.

 

It’s Ladies Day at Ponte Racecourse

Fine sights for a young man to see

Girls nobbed up just like circus ponies

A spectacle gaudy but free

And clutching their glass of Prosecco

The Pontefract Shagnasty Three.

 

They cut quite a dash did our threesome

Short skirts ba...

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RURD T' 'ULL

We've just bought a holiday home near Beverley and it's been our misfortune to have to travel the Goole Bridge on the M62 while it is being (invisibly, it seems) repaired.

 

I’m looking down upon it

But the waters barely move

The tide has turned

The river’s barely moving

I’m waiting in a line of cars

I’m 60 feet above

The Ouse is moving quicker

Than I’m going.

There’s...

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EDWARD II (Part 2)

 

Recently I’ve been reading a number of the Terry Deary’s “Horrible History” series.  And I do think there are lessons we can learn and apply today.  In particular, in the way we deal with punishment.

I like the idea, for instance, of burning witches at the stake (Nadine Dorries springs to mind); hang, draw and quartering (those Loose Women); or abscisis genitalibus (Jeremy Clarkson). 

...

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IF IT WA'N'T FO' THEE

I wrote the original for that Barnsley nightingale Olivia Newton John but bloody Bob Dylan and George Harrison stole it from me.

 

If it wa’n’t fo’thee

There wuntav ever bin no Gre-ase

Nor “Tek Us Om” ‘ad bin rele-ased

I’s’ll tell thi that fo’ free

If it wa’n’t fo’thee

 

If it wa’n’t fo’thee

I’d ‘av none o’ this songs to lampoon-in

Wi wunta sin them pantaloo-ins

Th...

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CV (WORK IS JUST A FOUR LETTER WORD)

Seems like only yesterday I left all that behind

No more lousy rat-race, commute or daily grind

I started work from university

At Grimethorpe I was almost 23

A 20-year stint with the NCB

A green nerd

But now work is just a four letter word.

 

But like thousands that I worked with I survived redundancy

So wearing my best suit and tie I sold consultancy

The money and th...

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THE PLUMBING

Currently, me and Our Gert are speccing out buying a static caravan; you know, the big buggers which infest the likes of Ingoldmells and Cleethorpes.  We’ve lugged a touring caravan behind us for nigh on forty years but have decided it’s time to change.

Now, most people who tread this path do it because they are happy to keep going back to a particular destination or because they’re too old and...

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‘EYUP! IT’S YORKSHIRE DAY

May thi brass

Stay firmly fixed

In thi wallet

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WHEN WE WERE A KINDER NATION

“Send them back home” or “Turn their boats round”

Or “Pack them all off to Rwanda”

“We don’t need them here to dilute England’s stock

This way we will make Britain grander”,

 

How have we become so uncharitable

To those who would flee from abroad

When once we would open our arms to such folk

And welcome them into our ward?

 

The Flemings, the Huguenots or Europe’s Jew...

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MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.

Worldwide fans will know that I have no issue with others enjoying whatever gender identification they like.  But to pretend that former males should be eligible to compete in elite women's sports is nonsense.  How many former females do you find wanting to compete in men's elite sports?  I wonder why.

 

(Let’s go girls!)

 

I’m in the heats tonight; my swimsuit’s fitting tight;

Ther...

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ANTI-SOCIAL

Given the life I’ve led, I’ve been fortunate indeed to have picked up a criminal record for only one offence.

It was the day Ipswich beat Arsenal in the FA Cup Final of 1978 – an otherwise excellent day.  We’d gone out for a curry that night and the idea emerged between the four of us to do a runner without paying.  My mate’s wife and me left first, casually strolling to the door and shouting v...

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BROWNIAN MOTION

Danny McAndless was our Physics teacher when I was at the grammar school in the 1960’s.  He’d been someone’s Physics teacher at the grammar school since the 1860’s.

In one of the lessons he tried to explain to a bunch of bored 15 year-olds how the whereabouts of apparently random particles could be determined on the basis of probability by Brownian Motion.

Now I’m in my 70’s I wish I’d paid ...

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IT'S COMING HOME

So you thought that wildfires and flooding were an issue for the likes of Australia and California, or Bangladesh and the Maldives.

Is that why you ridiculed a little Swedish girl?

 

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OLD AGE KICKS

I'd always been envious of those people who could boast a fashionable "syndrome" or "disorder" to explain behaviour the rest of us would get a clip round the ear from our dads for.  But not any longer.  I too now have my own syndrome - Restless Leg Syndrome or RLS for short.  It's worst for me at night and I can only mitigate against it by sitting up in bed.

 

This old age dream isn’t hard t...

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LEARNING THE LESSONS OF HISTORY

I’m a big fan of Terry Deary’s “Horrible Histories” books.  They’re a brilliant gateway for kids (like me) to get into history.

In “The Measly Middle Ages” he finishes in his epilogue by recounting how Richard III was killed at Bosworth Field in 1485 and his body stripped and paraded in public for two days.  (Probably not in the car park).

This set me pondering how we manage democratic succe...

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THE TORY DANCE

No sooner had I written this than others joined the dance!.

 

I thought I saw a line of self-serving chaps

There was Tugendaht, Zahawi, Javid and Grant Shapps,

Mordaunt, Sunak and Badenoch plus

Jeremy Hunt, Braverman, Liz Truss;

Each one making the most of their stance

Pushing and shoving in the Tory Dance.

 

They distanced themselves from Johno’s legacy,

Emphasing ea...

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KICKING AND SCREAMING

Apologies to The Ivy League

 

“I’m being dragged from here

Kicking and screaming

I can hear the jeers

Of those who’ve been scheming;

It took a crowbar to get me out”

How the greasy piglet would shout!

Huffing and squealing

He’s kicking and screaming.

 

“I just blame the herd

(Oh, how I fought ‘em)

Sod those lousy turds

I’ll hang on till Autumn

They’ll ...

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COS HE'S A LIAR

In case you are new to this revelation, here is a re-post of mine from 2019.

 

Bumbling Boris Johnson is surrounded by his lies

That he can’t lie straight in bed should come as no surprise

 

Cos he’s a liar

He’s surrounded by his lies.

 

The Times sacked him for making up a quote with bogus words

And Brexit has been stuffed by those “French turds”.

 “We shouldn’t spa...

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THE BALLAD AND SALUTARY TALE OF WAYNE, WAYNETTA AND CHARLENE

I know. I know. It's not actually a ballad.

 

I’ve laughed till my sides split at some of the shows

No longer on the TV

The Beverley Hillbillies, Morecambe and Wise,

And Open All Hours are just three.

 

Then Gavin and Stacey, One Foot in the Grave,

The Young Ones and Benidorm too,

And then there’s Blackadder, of course, Benny Hill

And Porridge to name but a few.

 

...

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BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

To start the day like a champion

You should start the day with a shag,

A hand-lowered shite of 6lb weight,

A can of Long Life and a fag.

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THE LONGEST DAY

The Longest Day it is today

For all from Denver to Bangkok;

"Maybe for them" I say. "But me?

I didn't get up till 9 o'clock".

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HEPPY’S FISH AND STRIP

In less politically correct times it was an icon of Wakey, to be mentioned in the same sentence as often as not as Batley Variety Club. You got exactly what it said on the tin - fish, chips and accompanying strippers. Not a classic combination I grant you, but it made Heppy a rich man.

 

It's not uncommon these days to find bouncers on the doors

Of Wakey pubs where bovver might erupt

W...

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YOU BETTER MOVE ON

You ask me to give up the reins of the job I love

You ask me to jump before push comes to shove

But I tell the Party and the 148

Let’s clear the slate

And end debate

You better move on.

 

You ask me to draw a line under those who’ve died

Forget that we couldn’t be at their bedside

When you have partied and then baldly lied

We couldn’t hide

The tears we cried

“Y...

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I'LL HANG ON

I’ll hang on to what I’ve got

I’ll ride out these bastards’ plot

Something’s bound to turn up for me

I’ll hang on, hang on, hang on to what I’ve got.

 

Fuck them all – the 148

I shall never abdicate

They underestimate my ego

I’ll hang on, hang on, hang on to what I’ve got.

 

I don’t care what people say

The precedent of Theresa May

Just like shit sticks to a bla...

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