SELF-IDENTIFY

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(A piece on the nonsense of self-identification, or pretending as we used to call it when we were kids)

 

I wish I was a lady, the prettiest on Earth

And didn't have this handicap, this cock I've had from birth;

It used to be a problem but now that's ceased to be

Cos now I self-identify, (identify) identify (identify)

And simply I now use the pronoun “She”.

 

I'd never been an athlete, famous and renowned

At best I used to finish last but mostly I'd fall down

But now I've solved this problem, I always take first place

I simply self-identify (identify) identify (identify)

As 5 years old and enter the kids' race.

 

And at the swimming gala I could not swim at all

I'd sink like grandma's suet sponge while doing the front crawl

But now my breast stroke's wicked, spectators stand agog

I simply self-identify (identify) identify (identify)

That I'm no longer human I'm a frog.

 

I want my driving licence but I found it such a bind

My doctor told the DVLA I'm completely blind;

But this now is no problem, I speed through traffic lights

I simply self-identify (identify) identify (identify)

That I have 20-20 perfect sight.

 

But trouble in the law courts could put and end to this

My right to be a female has cruelly been dismissed

But I have found a loop-hole – I'll hang on to my bras

I simply self-identify (identify) identify (identify)

This don't apply to me cos I'm from Mars.

◄ PADS

The True Authorship of the Plays of William Shakespeare ►

Comments

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John Coopey

Wed 23rd Apr 2025 10:17

Thankyou for your further thoughts, Helene and Uilleam.
I can help with this, Flyntland. It’s not a bloke; it’s a bird.

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Flyntland

Wed 23rd Apr 2025 09:14

It is not just humans that are confused over gender identity - a pheasant has been coming to my door for the last 2/3 years -
it's colouration is mostly male but not completely male.

'It' does not call or strut and keeps a low profile. The hens ignore it, and the males push it away from food but never attack.

At present it is shedding some of it's male feathers and brown female feathers are replacing them.

It has never wandered off as other pheasants do but stays close to the safety of my garden all the year round.

In the past I have also owned a fully identifiable hen that crowed, strutted and looked after the flock.

We are all part of nature.

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Uilleam Ó Ceallaigh

Wed 23rd Apr 2025 09:00

Until science (the systematic discipline that builds and organises knowledge in the form of testable hypotheses and predictions about the universe) tells me anything different, I’ll stick to that, or, to the “facts”, as they’re commonly known.

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Hélène

Tue 22nd Apr 2025 19:56

It's interesting, she calls herself a "transwoman" rather than a woman, & one time made a brief comment that she wasn't going to try to "pass" as a woman. My extended family doesn't talk much about all the thorny issues associated w/ womens sports, female bathrooms, hormone use for minors, etc etc. Lots of room for debate there, that's for sure.

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John Coopey

Tue 22nd Apr 2025 12:11

Glad to hear it makes your nephew feel better, Helene. My thoughts are this. He has every right to say he’s a woman. Just as I have every right to say he’s not.
And thanks for the Like, Aisha.

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Hélène

Tue 22nd Apr 2025 11:09

Clever poem John, but allow me to throw in my 2 cents from family experience. My sweet, quiet, shy nephew was depressed & suicidal in his early 20s. He came out as trans, slowly transitioned to a transwoman (medical & therapeutic assistance), and is now my sweet (still somewhat shy) niece. Our family has been open-minded and kind with this experience; it has been an educational process for all of us. My niece seems so comfortable in her skin now. We humans are an interesting species-- kindness is the guiding light. (No offense taken to your poem John; written in the spirit of fun I think.)

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John Coopey

Tue 22nd Apr 2025 09:59

What a fabulous image, Steve: someone pretending to be a policeman inspecting the genitalia of someone pretending to be a woman. Marvellous stuff.

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Steve White

Tue 22nd Apr 2025 08:48

Jakey’s got a new job
Care of that Supreme Court mob
What’s inside your boxers or briefs?
Jakey’s joined the toilet police

Jakey’s simply upholding the act
He needs to see your biological fact
He’s got his eye on your tomboy niece
Jakey’s joined the toilet police

An orderly queue, if you please
At the checkpoint for the Ladies
In his jackboots and company fleece
Jakey’s joined the toilet police

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John Coopey

Mon 21st Apr 2025 08:08

Quite right, Telboy. And thanks for the Likes, Trevor, Nigel, Larisa and Holden.

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Telboy

Sun 20th Apr 2025 22:17

It's all a load of bollocks...or perhaps it isn't !!!???

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John Coopey

Sun 20th Apr 2025 11:12

Thankyou, Stephen and Edbreathe and RedBrick for the Likes.
Anyone "identify" the tune?

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Stephen Gospage

Sun 20th Apr 2025 09:36

Madcap brilliance, John.

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John Coopey

Sat 19th Apr 2025 21:11

You can bet some bugger will be offended, Uilleam. Probably a 5 year old, trans, blind frog. Or someone on their behalf!

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Uilleam Ó Ceallaigh

Sat 19th Apr 2025 20:40

Absolutely brilliant, John, you've knocked the whole issue into a cocked hat!
Some self-proclaimed "experts" don't appear to know the difference between biological sex and gender....I've got a sixty-foot yacht at the marina, she's a proper goer; one moonlit night, after a few too many whiskies I got a bit frisky, now I'm daddy to a little dingy!

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