This recent spell of hot weather has prompted advice from all quarters on how to look after yourself and, especially, on looking after vulnerable old people.

Well! The neighbours on our street think it's hilarious to keep ribbing an old goat like me about this.

But Coops didn't get to 73 without learning a trick or two and I've now got the blokes bringing me cups of tea and biscuits every hour and their wives giving me a blow job in between; all, that is, except that tight-arse Mrs G from No 12.

But she'll be sorry if they find I've shook a six in the morning. It'll be no use trying to raise the dead then, just to salve her conscience.