Now you might have a bucket list of things you want to do

Before you shake your final six and find your span is through

You'll knock some off but in return add others to the queue

A safe bet is you'll never do them all.

 

You might decide to have a pint of every English beer

Or maybe walk to John O'Groats or else swim Windermere

Or starting from Southend fish from every British pier

Personal achievements – some great, some very small.

 

But mine requires no effort, sweating cobs down at the gym

Or down the Leisure Centre training for a Channel swim

Or even writing poetry or anything so grim

My challenge just requires me to sit.

 

For mine is rudimentary which any fool could do

It's all about pubs and cafes, centring on their loo

Specifically, the artform that I fashion with with poo

By blocking up the bogs in every pub I shit.

 

I've done our local Wakey pub that's known as Henry Boon's

I've splattered Royal Doulton in the Huddersfield Half Moon's

But pride of place, I can't deny – I love a Weatherspoon's

And Dynorod unblocked The Rising Sun.

 

I've plugged up Costa's porcelain and plumbing quite a bit

And heard the bloke that followed me exclaim, “You dirty git!”

And Starbuck's cos ironically their coffee's also shit;

Then whisper to Our Gert, “It's time to run”.

 

So if you see me entering your local cafe or bar

The best advice I offer you's to not get out your car

But find another pub nearby – enjoy a pleasant jar

Unless you're sure that you won't need the bog.

 

Because I know that you by now will have grasped my gist

That Coops has etched another notch off his Bucket List

By laying up a snooker that's the size of Bigfoot's fist

Inside a pot that's clogged up by his log.