<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 30th May 2017 12:10

Hello again Hazel - I'm more than happy with a bit of insplagiarationism! - one of the wonderful things about WoL is the way we trigger dialogue and response through poetry and commentary. So bring it on is what I say. I'm also flattered that you found favour with my Fun in a Fiat 500 - phew! It did strike me that your Earsplitting was on a similar theme when I read it. All good stuff and nothing to forgive whatsoever. All the bestest, Col.

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keith jeffries

Tue 30th May 2017 11:41

Hello Ray, thank you for your comment on A Wartime Journey. I was born in January 1948 so am only able to recollect the aftermath of the war in and around Birmingham. My poems covering this period and also the Great War are taken from the experiences of family and friends who lived through these times. I hope I do justice to their memories. Later this year I hope to publish a book which will include two sections of poetry devoted to the World Wars. IΒ΄ll keep you posted. Thank you again for you comments as always they are much appreciated. Keith

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keith jeffries

Tue 30th May 2017 11:03

Kim, this beautifully crafted poem entrances me into a realm of history the portals of which lie at our very doorstep, Thank you indeed. Keith

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Gelo leysa

Tue 30th May 2017 10:43

True to life experience thou haha. Thanks!

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Gelo leysa

Tue 30th May 2017 10:41

Thanks for your thoughts I appreciate it.

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raypool

Tue 30th May 2017 10:34

I love to read pieces of experience like this Keith. I'm interested to know if this happened you or to someone close. I can sort of equate this to any suspension of time backed by fear; while not on this level I was trapped in a holiday chalet with a raging storm last year so this brought back a little of that angst! There is almost an atmosphere of War of the Worlds about the distant threat and the orange glow.

Ray

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Raj Ferds

Tue 30th May 2017 10:17

Now we're talking Col. I hereby change by name to Chocraj.

Why do you think I'm so full of beans? It's all that seratonin and dopamine I get from the 70% cocoa Dark Chocolate.

I agree to adding understanding to the list but definitely not compromise. I never compromise my bar of chocolate.There's more in the fridge if you want some.

Wish there was a party that promised to sell chocolate at cost. They'd win hands down on 8th June.

And btw the nom nom lyrics is a great way to practice the art of chocolate scoffingπŸ˜‰

Raj

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Julian (Admin)

Tue 30th May 2017 10:03

Nous te remercions, Louis. pour tes bonne voeux.

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Kim Whysall-Hammond

Tue 30th May 2017 09:49

Start breaking up those lines about shoes and love creating worry into a poem....... I managed a few poems when my lads were young, they may not be my best, but they heartfelt and bring it all back now!

My youngest is doing GCSEs right now too.....to me, being the support as they do exams is FAR worse than the middle of the baby night feeds. No wonder you are tired.

Comment is about Milestones (blog)

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<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 30th May 2017 09:43

lovely poem Martin but can't help but think your cafe needs cheering up with this chap:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MShWyT5g96c

Comment is about rainy day in may (blog)

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<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 30th May 2017 09:32

lefty loosey - righty tighty

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<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 30th May 2017 09:29

is this one of your manifesto pledges Suki?

Comment is about Sanitary Towels For Men (blog)

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<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 30th May 2017 09:06

for once I am lost for words Ray πŸ˜‚

Comment is about HOME STRAIGHT (blog)

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<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 30th May 2017 08:45

I actually quite like the rawness of this. It might not be perfect but I'm not sure I agree that it's all downhill from the second line. There is a start, middle and end to the poem, the three parts connect to each other and the end refers back to the start. The title is excellent and I love the line 'Artex ceiling or stars overhead?'.

with some considered editing, the removal of repeated words and some further thought to rhyme I think you could be on to a winner. But therein lies the difference between a winner poem and just another 'way too many' poem that Adam referred to. It takes time and patience to refine the latter into the former.

WoL is an excellent forum to learn and seek advice so it's good to see that you are open to that Liam. Good luck with your writing.

Colin.

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Raj Ferds

Tue 30th May 2017 08:37

Thanks for throwing more light on this Colin. What I mean by "single vision" is to encourage unity and sow seeds of love, compassion, dialogue and forgiveness. Yes there has been the odd despot who have misinterpreted this to their own advantage. But I like your perspective.

More light, less heat.
RajπŸ˜ƒ

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Liam

Tue 30th May 2017 08:23

Thank you both for your comments. I tend to write my poems the moment that I get an inspiration to do so. I agree that the poem could be developed further, but what I really wanted was feedback. This is in a very raw state and I am sure that it could be improved upon. I found a flow and just went with it, which is maybe a tad lazy. Next time I have an idea I will write it down in a raw state and then edit it to see if it can be developed or expanded upon. πŸ˜ƒ

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<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 30th May 2017 07:54

Hello Candi, do you know that Write Out Loud is currently running a poetry competition on the theme of Milestones? I wonder if you could take some of these thoughts - the frayed shoes perhaps - and write them up in a more poetic form. Here's the link if you're interested in submitting something:

https://www.writeoutloud.net/public/blogentry.php?blogentryid=65658

btw, I enjoyed your sample poem. Hope you find some time in your exhausting new Mum schedule to post some more of your poems.

all the best,
Colin

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Raj Ferds

Tue 30th May 2017 07:51

I like the idea of this piece dear Rose.

My thoughts for what they're worth:
I believe the reason we are not working in tandem on the set of life is because there's a lack of a united sense of purpose... the absence of a single vision.

Now if you look at it, the opposite of vision is division.
So we have a scenario where directors, producers, scrip writers, actors, extra, cameramen etc all pulling in different directions. And then the core idea 'snaps'. Chaos ensues.

Look we've lost the integrity of the original theme! Any amount of special effects wont save it. At best they are cosmetic.

There's hope though. We can all choreograph a better sequel.

Raj xx

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<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 30th May 2017 07:42

lots of interesting imagery in your writing Adrian. I think this is my favourite of those that you have posted here on WoL although at times it feels a little convoluted, and caught up in itself. I wonder what your influences are or what you may have studied. To me this has a feel of Romanticism about it in style and content. Hope you enjoy your time here at WoL. All the best, Colin.

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adrian metcalf

Tue 30th May 2017 07:07

Thank you! I really appreciate it πŸ˜ƒ

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Adam Whitworth

Tue 30th May 2017 01:40

Liam, I agree with all that Keith says. Well done.

I'd just add that, even in doom-mode, the first line is the best (=carries the most significance; is worth pursing further, rather than merely being one of many miserable cliches strung together) the second line continues the promising theme- not nearly so well, but that can be remedied- and... it's all downhill from there.
I'd probably go with the idea that, following the first line: we do it anyway. I'd develop that thought even if still ending up miserable about it (other veiws are available) because I think there are way to many poems that amount to "fuck this mate, just fuck it"

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M.C. Newberry

Mon 29th May 2017 23:21

I could certainly understand "sanity towels" for what we
put up with these days πŸ˜ƒ

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keith jeffries

Mon 29th May 2017 23:14

Liam, a poem of doom but rich in reality. I enjoyed the honesty you have portrayed which many must feel at one time or another. Thank you for this. Keith

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Rose Casserley

Mon 29th May 2017 23:10

reminds me so much of that D.H.Lawrence reference "the sulphurous north"

in this case,the 'not so dry north'

(if this brill poem was describing a scene from your neck of the woods (Rossendale) that is...?

Don't worry guys,I won't mention flat caps,ferrets,or coal in the bath!

😁



Rose πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

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Rose Casserley

Mon 29th May 2017 22:57

welcome back guys.



Rose πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

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Rose Casserley

Mon 29th May 2017 22:50

Raj,Col,and the recent returnee's P&S,many thanks.

Raj,reassurance is the name of the game in these dark days

Col,ja,tis a bit of a Gandalf'er come to think of it.

P&S,I would be very hard pressed to say yes,let's put it that way.

Cheers again all.


Rose πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

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Rose Casserley

Mon 29th May 2017 22:40

aww! my favourite seniors! nice to hear from you guys again
Long time no see.

ta mucho.


Rose πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

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Wolfgar Miere

Mon 29th May 2017 22:34

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIvZ2EBqdEQ

So fucking true!

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Kim Whysall-Hammond

Mon 29th May 2017 22:26

A fine poem, lovely description

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Wolfgar Miere

Mon 29th May 2017 22:18

Most certainly my favourite reading to date (other than yourself)

Peppered with "Carry On" naughtiness.

It pleases me immensely imagining our seniors enjoying their twilight years with as much guilty pleasure as possible, but this does offer a different take on the words "Rage hard"

Nice one Ray,

David.

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John Coopey

Mon 29th May 2017 21:42

Just because the memory is so vivid, Graham, doesn't mean that it happened!

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keith jeffries

Mon 29th May 2017 21:05

Ray, this is just so very good. Thank you. Keith

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kJ Walker

Mon 29th May 2017 20:09

Brilliantly funny. Not sure what the PC police would make of the references to nutters, but as it is the patient himself who uses that word I think you get away with it.
I enjoyed it.
Cheers Kevin

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kJ Walker

Mon 29th May 2017 19:53

You're definitely getting better all the time. I think this is your best yet . I could almost smell the acrid smoke.

Kevin

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Wolfgar Miere

Mon 29th May 2017 19:37

Its coming!

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raypool

Mon 29th May 2017 19:23

For all who commented I feel I should point out that I deliberately misspelled Karaoke as Karioky ! Not that you all didn't know that.

Ray

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raypool

Mon 29th May 2017 19:22

Suki, I am relieved that you thought this kind as I felt I took a liberty at the expense of some aspiring writers. So thanks for that especially!!

Thanks Paul. You're the sort of neighbour I would like when I pull the curtains apart !

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raypool

Mon 29th May 2017 19:16

A thoroughly good read Hazel. Love Momentum and momentous. I notice the blue murder reference of the owl and then the impact seems to elucidate that. Clever stuff.

Ray

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raypool

Mon 29th May 2017 19:12

Nicely logical Ben - like a circle there is no dividing it, unless of course it fails. I hope it doesn't !

Ray

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Delia

Mon 29th May 2017 18:51

I love the way your words were magically able to access my emotions, I don't know how you do it but it is wonderful.

Comment is about Dear You (First) (blog)

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Delia

Mon 29th May 2017 18:42

this. is. amazing.

Comment is about Sanitary Towels For Men (blog)

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Delia

Mon 29th May 2017 18:41

this really touched me, you use the english language in such a beautiful way, I can't even describe what it is that I love so much about this poem. All I know is that your writing has access to my spine.
Immediately added you as one of my favourites!

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kJ Walker

Mon 29th May 2017 18:00

An accurate and well detailed description of the street I grew up in. I liked every bit about it especially the title. I'm feeling all nostalgic about my childhood now.
Cheers Kevin

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Connorlannes

Mon 29th May 2017 17:59

Wow. I just got done telling myself that people aren't getting creative enough with their choices of words...but I think in this amazing piece you've really found this amazing balance of uniqueness to understanding! While I understood every element of the scene that you've set up, the unique choices of words to use only layers on to the decedently dark tone you set. Amazing job!

-Connor

Comment is about after midnight in Shouldbepulleddown Street (blog)

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Mon 29th May 2017 17:39

beautiful poem Rose


xx

Comment is about my participation in Mothers longest game of hide and seek (blog)

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Mon 29th May 2017 17:37

will the returnings ever end? great poem young lady


xx

Comment is about the returning curse (blog)

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Mon 29th May 2017 17:34

very very moving piece Rose


xx

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Mon 29th May 2017 17:31

and so say two of us!


xx

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John Andrew Nield

Mon 29th May 2017 15:41

Thanks so much for your kind comments, Harry.

This is the first time, I have actively sought 'honest' /real comments on my efforts and (having just been entertained by your fine works and therefore reassured that you 'know what you're talking about'!) I am thoroughly heartened by your response to one of mine.

It is sometimes challenging to be confident enough about your own work, despite your friends telling you that it's 'great stuff' so when independent valid critique is received, it's such a boost.

Much appreciated.

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