SWINGING
I saw it on the telly and I thought it looked like fun
Our Gert, though, wasn’t sure – she’s got the sex drive of a nun;
“Oh no! this really isn’t me” she said with coy reserve
But “Bugger that!” I thought “This is a treat that I deserve”.
I took her swinging
Our first time swinging
Which started with us innocently mingling;
But it wasn’t long before
She had got beyond the ...
Monday 22nd April 2024 10:50 pm
THE NOB NURSE 2
Before my dad shook a six the month before his 90th birthday, he told us about his encounter with The Nob Nurse. (Obviously, he didn’t tell us after!).
In his final years he was moved a fair few times from one nursing home to the next. In part this was to get him closer to the family support of myself and (primarily) my sister; but in part also because he was a cantankerous old bastard and th...
Thursday 18th April 2024 10:26 pm
I BOUGHT MY FRIEND A TORTOISE
(And now for some literary high-brow. Do try to keep up)
I bought my friend a tortoise
The best the shop could sell
He wondered what to name her
And settled on Michelle.
I have a Spanish girlfriend
For looks no one could beat her
She’s only got one front tooth
I call her my Juanita.
Oh,my! What a rotten song
What a rotten song
What a rotten song
Oh,my...
Monday 15th April 2024 5:39 pm
I SWORE I'D NEVER WRITE A VILLANELLE
(I was inspired by Trevor Alexander's excellent villanelle explaining the form to write in this song why I dislike it so much)
I swore I’d never write a villanelle
A complex form which fails to satisfy
But mostly awkward on the ears as well.
The 2nd line deceitfully foretells
A further line to rhyme along with “I”
But bugger me! Not in a villanelle.
Yet still t...
Monday 8th April 2024 10:06 pm
WRONG ROAD ROUN' (An Urban Villanelle)
(In response to Greg Freeman's call-out for villanelles, I re-post this effort of mine from 2014. It tells of the cardinal sin a raw recruit would only ever make once when he entered a hand-filled coal face for the first time)
“There’s no bigger, silly bastard undergroun’
A disgrace to thee, ‘is mam an’ ‘is class
‘E took ‘is fuckin’ shovel wrong road roun’.
We’d walked back ...
Wednesday 3rd April 2024 12:13 am
ALFIE THE PROPERTY MAGNATE
(There's a bit of skipping on the audio towards the end; not enough to detract from my dark brown tones)
Castleford’s Alfie is one of a kind
A more affable Alf it’d be hard to find
But Alfie won’t hold back from speaking his mind
That “kennel life is such a drag, mate”
Says Alfie the Property Magnate.
Of course he’s the owner of his detached home
Which didn’t need Al...
Monday 1st April 2024 10:28 pm
STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN
(A re-post from when I wrote this about old people. These days it could be me)
There’s a lady out there
And she can’t climb the stairs
At her bedtime which is
Half past seven;
She was lured was Aunt Hannah
By the junkmail from Stanner
Into buying their Stairlift
To Heaven.
But she found it so slow
When she needed to go -
Half an hour on the Stairlift
...
Wednesday 27th March 2024 4:48 pm
TRANSUBSTANTIATION
I read now and then in the papers
In articles, posts and reports
Concerning the claims of trans people
Accessing elite womens’ sports.
Now don’t get me wrong at the outset
As I’m sure that my worldwide fans
Will vouch for my liberal credentials
I’ve nothing against someone trans.
Though I can’t claim to be any expert
As I’m sure that none of you can
But you don’t ofte...
Monday 25th March 2024 1:10 pm
ENLARGED PROSTATE BLUES
(Actually, fellas, get yersens tested!)
Got to bed around half past 10
Tossed and turned for an hour and then
Lord, lord, it can’t have been the booze;
I’d not had a drink since half past three
Nonetheless I still needed a pee
Lord, lord, I got Enlarged Prostate Blues.
Back to bed till a quarter to 2
Then, bugger me! I’m gonna need the loo
Lord, lord, I got Enl...
Saturday 23rd March 2024 10:51 pm
INTERNATIONAL BUGGER ALL DAY
It won’t have escaped the notice of those of you predisposed to commemorate such things that on March 8th it was International Women’s Day. What you may not be aware of is that according to the website “National Day Calendar” IWD is one of 47 (yes, 47!) other World/International Days in March.
If you are so inclined you can participate in and celebrate (among others) :-
International Tra...Thursday 21st March 2024 10:07 pm
THE WORD AND THE DEED
Some 20-odd years ago I was having my eyes tested when the optician asked me,
“Do you have any trouble reading newsprint with your glasses on?”
“None at all” I told her.
She gave me a card with tiny writing on and I rattled through it quicksticks.
“Why do you ask?” I said.
“Because you will do soon. I can see some deterioration in the muscles controlling…..” blah–di-blah-di-blah… (...
Tuesday 19th March 2024 9:54 pm
MY LUVE IS LYKE A RED RED POPPIE
(If Burns had been around today he might have written this instead)
My luve is lyke a red, red poppie coursing through my veines
It leads me to a better worlde by dullinge my life’s pains.
Your poppie stands for sacrifice, for blude on Flanders fielde
My poppies for oblivionne, from pain from whiche I shield.
It populates grasse verges of my sorrowes twisting laynes
My luve ...
Sunday 17th March 2024 11:41 am
THE RED WHEELBARROW
(It seems to be my lot in life to improve on the works of lesser poets than myself - in this case that loada bollocks by William Webb Ellis. A shameless repost from 2013)
I’m being followed by a wheelbarrow
Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.
Pulling my chickens in a wheelbarrow,
Wheelbarrow, wheelbarrow.
And if tha wond’rin’ “Is it red?”
Please thissen. I’ve not said.
And if ...
Thursday 14th March 2024 11:55 am
BEAKER FOLK
(I found this old poem among my "back catalogue". I don't think I've posted it before)
We slew the aurochs and the bear
The tiger skulking in his lair;
We cooked with fire and red hot stones
And sucked the fat from out the bones;
We worshipped gods of earth and sea
Of moon and sun, of hill and tree;
We made our offerings to each god
Of human heads and hearts and ...
Monday 11th March 2024 11:11 pm
"DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?"
(I have just been fitted with hearing aids - a double-edged sword if ever there was one!)
Said the audiologist
“Do you hear what I hear?
Which conversations do you miss?
Do you hear what I hear?
Try to use this tiny little bug
And stuff it here in your lug;
Does clear stuff come now through the fug?”
“Whoa” I said “no need to shout,
I can hear what you hear;
...Friday 8th March 2024 1:03 am
FROM EAST-NORTH-EAST TO WEST-NORTH-WEST
The terrors that mens’ prostates hold
Are troublesome and many fold
Retention, Urgency, Weak Stream
You grey-haired blokes know what these mean
But I shall concentrate upon
From all these aspects just on one
You’ve seen it takes us old blokes longer
To take a wazz than when we’re younger
Which is why to take a piss
We now no longer stand like this
But like the ladies...
Monday 4th March 2024 7:06 pm
EXTRA-TIME BLUES
Not gonna raise a fuss, I'm not gonna blow a hoolie
Though other fans would like with a kick in the goolies
We know in our bones we’re gonna give the game away
That’s what it’s like to be a Spur – that’s just the price you pay;
We might be winning 1-0 but we know we’re gonna lose
But there ain’t no cure for the Extra-Time Blues.
For all Spurs supporters this outcome will alw...
Saturday 2nd March 2024 9:45 pm
"3d BACK ON THE BOTTLE"
(There is a little skipping on the audio but it does not detract too much from my velvet tones)
For those of you under the age of 50 some explanation might be needed – probably on a number of levels.
First of all, “3d” was thre’pence under “old” money.
Second, the “d” stood for denarii – a valuable legacy of Roman coinage.
Third, and perhaps most important, you’ll need an understa...
Wednesday 28th February 2024 11:28 am
BLOOD TRANSFUSION WHORE
(Played appallingly on my home-made 3-string cigar box guitar)
Don’t donate blood anymore
Did it 50 times before
Now they’ve shown me to the door
Once this cut me to the core
Don’t donate blood anymore.
No more pin-holes in my arm
No more bruising, no more harm
No more causes for alarm
Not a quaver nor a qualm
This has worked out like a charm.
Yes, I...
Monday 26th February 2024 4:44 pm
CARAMAC !
(Fellow Old Gits might recall the 60's hit, "Zabadak" by Dave Dee, Dozy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Sneezy and Tich)
Caramac! (Caramac!)
That’s your lot now you’ve had your whack
Caramac! (Caramac!)
You’re not coming back.
Caramac! (Caramac!)
Just remembered by anoraks
Caramac! (Caramac!)
Iconic as our Union Jack.
In its hey-day Made by Nestle
By the millions ...
Thursday 22nd February 2024 9:07 pm
THE CHURCH OF THE HECTORING ZEALOT
(Inspired by watching a couple of evangelists in Beverley town centre)
He prowls the city’s precincts calling out into the void
His heart is filled with righteous wrath, demeanour underjoyed
Damning passers-by to Hell, his heart and soul employed
By the Church of the Hectoring Zealot.
In Ulster’s Ian Paisley you had thought you’d seen it all
For genuflecting he’d h...
Tuesday 20th February 2024 5:57 pm
ODE TO ROY
(Sad to see the old gimmer taken into hospital but a timely opportunity to revisit this post of 2014, when Hodgson’s England were drawn in the same group as tournament favourites Italy and Uruguay.
Hoping for our games in Rio so that we won’t have to fly
Hoping for a group of minnows so that we might qualify
Greece, Algeria
We needn’t fear ya
Anyone else and it’s “Goodbye”;
...
Thursday 15th February 2024 10:11 pm
CREAKING GATE
(I have just had a heart pacemaker fitted. Invited in, operated on and discharged inside 24 hours)
It marked walkers passing for seventy years
But been a bit stiff as of late;
For once it swung free
And closed easily
But now it’s an old creaking gate.
But Time can regenerate Glory again
By dint of the old craftsman’s care;
With tools of his trade
His miracles ...
Sunday 11th February 2024 9:38 pm
BLACK SHEEP
It’s an increasing sign of my decrepitudity that on occasions recently, one before Christmas and one after, I have fainted after having ridden my bike into Wakefield. On both occasions someone sent for an ambulance and on the second I was carted off to Pinderfields Hospital for tests.
The experience demonstrated to me, as if any proof were needed, the value of our NHS. Had this been in Ameri...
Monday 5th February 2024 10:46 pm
ARTHUR AP UTHER (THE WINTER KING)
(A re-post of some years ago to co-incide with the screening of The Winter King on TV. The narrative in the poem is closer to Bernard Cornwell's novel than to the TV version.)
As Briton fights Briton the Saxon awaits
And readies himself at Lloegyr’s gates,
Gorfyddyd of Powys consults with the Fates,
Siluria’s Gundleus too.
Outnumbered we hurried round hill and through dale
...
Saturday 3rd February 2024 11:06 pm
YER BAY LEAF
We have a standard bay tree now
That’s in our garden where it grows;
Our Gert puts leaves into her soups
But what it tastes like no-one knows.
In every book of recipes
For every dish in it goes
In curries, stews or Bolognese
But what it tastes like no-one knows.
Sunday 28th January 2024 10:24 pm
THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE
(A plaintive moan from the time when my wife decided the perfectly good kitchen needed re-fitting and the bleeding of my income into the bank balances of the electricians)
A recent experience made my mouth foam
When battalions of tradesmen invaded my home.
Brickies and plumbers and plasterers too
I dutifully paid up to each one his due.
But the hardest to take and worst to evad...
Thursday 25th January 2024 11:09 pm
BANG ! BANG !
(I wrote this before Christmas but thought I'd wait to post it until the next mass shooting. I haven't had to wait long. Though this time in Joliet it was not 8 schoolchildren)
I was 5 and she was 6
He shot the two of us for kicks
Who knows what went on in his head
But 24 of us are dead.
Bang Bang He shot us down
Bang Bang We hit the ground
Bang Bang That awful so...
Tuesday 23rd January 2024 7:57 pm
JPR
There’s people so famous you’d only need say
Their initials to know them, such as "JFK"
All boomers will know "Hey! Hey! LBJ!"
As older folks will "FDR";
But passed now's another great star.
The role of the full back was always the same
To catch, kick for touch and restart the game
That was up until John Williams came
Though the world knew him better by far
As the l...
Monday 15th January 2024 10:47 pm
STANDING UP FOR BREXIT
One of the many unwelcome facets of my enlarged prostate, along with what the medical profession euphemistically calls “weak stream”, “retention”, “urgency” and “hesitancy”, is the embarrassing feature that I can’t piss straight.
Obviously, I piss broadly forwards but “forwards” ranges mathematically from 10 to 170 deg, or geographically from ENE to WNW. Consequently when I am at home or at ot...
Friday 12th January 2024 12:54 pm
SELF-IDENTIFICATION
Worldwide fans of mine will be aware of the low regard I have for gender self-identification. It strikes me that in 5 year’s time or so we’ll all be saying, “What the hell were we thinking?” and those who chose to identify themselves as “he” or “she” or “they” as opposed to their birth sex will own a hidden guilt normally reserved for fans of Donny Osmond.
But lately I have come to temper my v...
Sunday 7th January 2024 8:24 pm
MEIN LEIBCHEN
In ze Blue Angel on a barstool sat
I recognise your voice; it’s always flat
Viz fishnet stockings astride zat stool
Vorks vonders for my Teutonic tool
Give me a peek, mein leibchen
Of yours, Lili Marlene.
Sauerkraut und Einstein, Fokker, Messerschmidtt
Angela Merkel, I fancy her a bit
Ost vas once crap, vhile vest was best
Viz Bierkellars, Oktoberfest
Let’s drink...
Thursday 4th January 2024 4:57 pm
THE BOYS FROM KURDISTAN
They pamper to our idleness and do what we once did
But you’d not get your sponge out now to earn their seven quid;
Through summer, winter, snow and rain they pocket what they can
The car wash boys with red-raw hands that come from Kurdistan.
Monday 1st January 2024 10:39 pm
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