Poetry Blog by John Coopey
Matt Hancock own shares with his sister
In Topwood; he says “It’s no sin”;
Some 15% he was gifted
My God how the money rolls in.
Now Topwood supplies the Health Service
And where does procurement begin?
The Minister is Door Matt Hancock
My God how the money rolls in.
Rolls in, rolls in
My God how the money rolls in.
Now Cameron lobbies for Greensill
Saturday 17th April 2021 2:24 pm
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a zealous republican; but nor am I an ardent monarchist either, for that matter. I sit firmly in the camp of “Don’t give a shit”. It doesn’t bother me whom we have as Head of State to press the flesh of dictators of former colonies.
So it was with deep apathy that I learned of the death of Prince Philip. He struck me as an offensive, upper class twit; but that was...
Thursday 15th April 2021 8:33 pm
Written on the occasion of our Ruby Wedding Anniversary. Cowperthwaite was the vicar. That we ran out of food at the reception was largely down to him, the greedy git.
We have a photo stowed away
That’s taken on our wedding day;
In truth it does not flatter us –
My double chin, your mountainous
Bosoms occupying all
The shot in their supported sprawl.
But when I ma...
Saturday 10th April 2021 7:23 am
A re-post; but who's counting?
There’s a lady out there
And she can’t climb the stairs
At her bedtime which is
Half past seven;
She was lured was Aunt Hannah
By the junkmail from Stannah
Into buying their Stairlift
But she found it so slow
When she needed to go -
Half an hour on the Stairlift
So from ground to first floor
Wednesday 7th April 2021 10:34 pm
The tune is a mish-mash of "Star Trekking" and "While We were Marching through Georgia". But the real debt is to Pam Ayres's "Littering" and to the dirty bastards who've dumped crap down our local country roads.
Fly tipping – we’re out for a nice ride
Fly tipping – the van is full inside
We’d have to pay at dumpit sites so blight the countryside
We’re your friendly fly tippers....
Monday 5th April 2021 7:17 pm
I confess to being a bit envious of those who self-identify on the issue of gender; that despite their meat and two veg they say they are a woman. Or vice versa. And I say “envious” because although I’m not such a person myself (contentedly masculine, you understand, although I have been known to help the boys out when they were busy) it nevertheless strikes me that if it’s biologically permiss...
Saturday 3rd April 2021 11:26 pm
For Doreen, the Mother of Fleetwood,
The dynasty's come to an end
Of strong eucalyptus and menthol;
She's sucked her last Fisherman's Friend.
Thursday 1st April 2021 12:16 am
I’ve often heard cynics deride the efforts of environmental campaigners like Greenpeace or XR for their personal hypocrisy; or for ridiculing a little teenage girl by, predominantly, white middle aged men, for drawing their attention to the issue. “How did they travel to their protest, then?”. “Who made their clothes?”. “Didn’t she fly to the States?”. Criticisms which miss the point completel...
Monday 29th March 2021 9:55 pm
(The first verse, of course, is not mine. It will be well known to rugby players returning home from away matches on the coach. Simple pleasures!)
When I was just a wee wee tot
I sat on my wee wee pot
But wee wee there I could not
Till I lay in my wee wee cot.
Wee wee wee wee wee wee.
And now that I’m an OAP
My bladder’s once more haunting me...
Saturday 27th March 2021 9:50 pm
I’ve sung their praise and I’ll sing it again
How Rob and myself would spend hours there then
In days we could gather and argue the toss
But now they’re all closing and this is our loss.
So long, s’been good to know yuh
Now, though, we say “Cheerio” to
Thorntons, it’s time to forego yuh
These haunts of indulgence are all shutting down
And I’ll lounge in your cafes no m...
Thursday 25th March 2021 7:36 pm
A recollection of a halcyon day in 2017 and referencing the iconic and talismanic Frank Worthington who died today. A cowboy both on and off the pitch.
We praised the God of Yorkshire that October afternoon
It’s not a day we’ll be forgetting sometime very soon;
The scoreboard told the story – it had ended 2 to 1
We sang songs to their glory – the Terriers had won!
They blamed ...
Tuesday 23rd March 2021 6:41 pm
Spare me these doldrums of malaise;
Though loss and shame I’ve known before
Last Thursday was the worst of days.
I simply ask each man that plays
To wear his badge as if to war;
Spare me these doldrums of malaise.
And if we lose, lose in a blaze
With passion not a spineless bore;
Last Thursday was the worst of days.
It’s hard to find some kind of praise
When this stic...
Saturday 20th March 2021 10:30 pm
I think I've heard Billy Connolly say that you have to respect Mother Nature knowing what she's doing. But it's beyond the wit of even David Attenborough to comprehend what threats to your ageing body she is anticipating which makes her cause an explosion of body hair in unlikely places.
I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey
With thick foliage on each eye brow
A growth that ...
Thursday 18th March 2021 8:57 am
Summertime and the lockdown is easing
Hope’s emerging, expectations are high;
Through vaccinations the upper hand we’re seizing
But Covid restrictions will all still apply.
Summertime and the outlook is pleasing,
Folks are thinking “We’ve got this Covid thing beat”;
But use your kokum, and act with sense and with reason
We’ve got an advantage but it’s not yet in full retr...
Monday 15th March 2021 10:31 pm
The world and its uncle knows the number of days there are in March. “Thirty one” some wag says.
But I’m talking celebratory and memorial days like International Women’s Day, St David’s Day, St Patrick’s Day, World Book Day, World Wildlife Day, Red Nose Day, World Poetry Day, Tolkien Day and Piano Day; not to mention the focus there’s been on LGBTQIANTYSILIOGOGOGOCH issues. Any more and they’d...
Saturday 13th March 2021 7:15 pm
N’didi says she’d like to meet me
“Hasty very soon”
She says she’ll come to Ingland
From her home in Cameroon.
She says she has such lovely eyes
And lovely, smile time teeth
She says that she’s a princest
As the dotta of the chief.
It seems that men of my age
Are something of a catch
To 18 year old virgins –
I think we’d make a match.
Thursday 11th March 2021 7:02 pm
From out the closet I now voice
The truth about my drug of choice -
The heroin contained within
The kitchen cupboard’s biscuit tin.
For found there is the stuff of dreams
Jammy Dodgers, Custard Creams;
And pinching one will never do
I need to see the packet through,
Then hiding crumbs is common sense
For fear Our Gert finds evidence.
From breakfast-time I’ll...
Wednesday 10th March 2021 8:17 am
My hardy perennial in support of the sisterhood. I'm not convinced I "ground" the poem properly. Suggestions welcome.
Raise your voices; sisters speak!
International Women’s Week.
Banish weakness. Let’s be strong.
Time to right what has been wrong.
Linking arms in sisterhood,
Pledged to Justice, pledged to Good.
Standing proud and standing tall,
The worth of one the...
Monday 8th March 2021 12:52 pm
I’ve never been the sort of bloke that needs to end up as the hero in one of my own stories. Rather, I quite enjoy being “done up like a kipper” as they say.
Take these two examples.
Some years ago I had the pretentious urge to buy a fob watch for myself. I saw one on Bawtry Market and after examining it thoughtfully and with an entirely unwarranted professional mien, told the stallholder ...
Saturday 6th March 2021 12:16 pm
I walked this battle trail a year or two ago and it's a bloody inhospitable place even without a blizzard and someone trying to stove your head in. Said to be the bloodiest battle ever on British soil.
In 1400 and 61
I believe that was the year
There happened a bit of a fallout
With Yorkshire and Lancashire.
For brothers like this to come to such blows
It needed the ca...
Wednesday 3rd March 2021 9:25 am
After I was made redundant from 20 years in the coalmining industry I embarked on a second 20 year career as a self-employed management consultant. And what a life it was too! Getting paid three, sometimes four, times the going rate for advising executives of the bleeding obvious; the joke being that they could have heard my thoughts down the pub at night for free! And if it went wrong? Well, ...
Thursday 25th February 2021 9:01 pm
Based on "Hesitation Blues", a song of disputed origin but made famous initially by the Reverend Gary Davis.
I’m drawing Old Age Pension
I’m over sixty eight
Can’t cope with all this tension
I’m waiting for my date
How long do I have to wait?
When’s my Covid jab a-coming?
How long till I vaccinate?
The Government require us
To stay at home alone
I’m sick of ...
Sunday 21st February 2021 10:51 pm
One hundred thousand victims who have died this lonely death
Some on ventilators, some gasping for their breath
One hundred thousand victims who no longer are now here
And millions more of kith and kin who’ve shed their bitter tears
But you have drunk and popped your pills and danced the night away
At secret raves throughout the land; I’ve often heard you say
Thursday 18th February 2021 11:29 am
Originally thought to be a prostitute from a nearby Roman encampment, the skeleton turned out to be 30,000 years old and a man. It had been laid out ritualistically alongside the skeleton of a mammoth and dyed with red ochre. The suppostion is that a hunting party killed the mammoth but lost one of their own in the process.
Lay me in this sacred cavern
By the softly surfing sea
Monday 15th February 2021 3:43 pm
I saw the call for volunteers and thought I’d do my bit
By taking out food parcels for old biddies and old gits.
I drove my van to Asda and then loaded orders on;
In some were cans of lager so I helped myself to one.
The first old bloke just moaned at me and said that I was late
So when he went back in his house I pissed upon his gate.
The next old skank complained a lot her brea...
Friday 12th February 2021 10:46 pm
Based (plagiarised) on Jesse Fuller's "San Francisco Bay Blues". Murdered by Blind Drunk Fats Lemon Coopey.
Walking with Our Gert down beside the flooded River Aire
Scruffy togs is what folks see us wear;
It’s been the same it seems
Since our quarantine,
Just stay at home,
No need to roam,
No need for make-up, scent or comb;
I’ve suits in the wardrobe, white shirts an...
Wednesday 10th February 2021 9:25 pm
An homage (and autobiographical update) of the vaudeville star Bert Williams's far superior "Somebody Else Not Me" (1919).
I’d gone to Goose Fair with some of my mates
As panic arose in the queues
The punters were scattering all over the shop -
The tiger was on the loose.
“A ten shilling note for its capture”
The Keeper hollered and cried
“What do you say, sonny?” looking...
Monday 8th February 2021 9:05 pm
It’s Mel Gibson and I’m surprised he hasn’t won awards for it. So why do I say this? “The Patriot”, “Braveheart” and “Apocalypto”, that’s why. It’s hard to imagine three films that play so fast and loose with historical accuracy that Joseph Goebbels himself would have been proud of them.
Take “The Patriot” – a full-bodied partisanerama of American and British characterisation. No mention of...
Saturday 6th February 2021 1:36 pm
For those of you unfamiliar with mining an explanation of what's going on is given in the first comment below.
“There’s no bigger, silly bastard undergroun’
A disgrace to thee, ‘is mam an’ ‘is class
‘E took ‘is fuckin’ shovel wrong road roun’.
We’d walked back in once t’shotties fired their roun’
An’dep’ty said as we wa’ clear o’ gas
There’s no bigger silly bastard unde...
Thursday 4th February 2021 4:54 pm
Not a representation of the Corona Virus or a Russian Sputnik but the Christingle Orange.
Neither Our Gert nor myself are religious people. I was for a few years verger at Selby Abbey but my interest was always historical rather than spiritual. But we did used to attend Sunday School with our kids when they were little. We wanted to expose them to Christian worship so that they might ma...
Monday 1st February 2021 1:38 pm
boozing in illicit bars
a rave and drive there in our cars
Cos this whole quarantine
Just applies to has-beens
But it’s not for us teens
Cos the kids are alright.
meeting up with other guys
if later some old gimmer dies
From the plague that I spread
Just one more old git dead
I’m OK, cos it’s said
That the ...
Friday 29th January 2021 2:56 pm
Well actually, no. Rather a piece about the French predilection for sexing inanimate objects. (“Ok, ok”, I hear you say, “strictly speaking cocks and fannies aren’t inanimate objects”, although these days mine is becoming increasingly so).
I’ve been reading Tim Moore’s “French Revolutions” about his attempt as a fairweather cyclist to complete the Tour de France. In it he relates how he went...
Tuesday 26th January 2021 2:07 pm
Saturday 23rd January 2021 11:25 pm
While I am on a roll with my railway poems, here is a re-post of my homage to the North Yorkshire Moors Railway and the man in black, Johnny Cash. And played with just a hint of slide guitar.
I hear the train guard’s whistle
The slamming of the doors
The fireman stokes the furnace
For the haul across the moors;
The driver lets some steam off
And sees the train guard’s flag...
Thursday 21st January 2021 9:21 pm
I saw a post on Fb from a pal of mine who’d lifted an extract from a Douglas Adams story called “The Englishman and the Biscuit”. Now I have no intention of trying to gazump his tale (his writing far outshines mine) but I suspect I have the edge on him in terms of personal experience.
It would have been about thirty years ago when I worked for the Coal Board that I applied for a job with ...
Sunday 17th January 2021 8:43 pm
I was prompted by the Lloyds Bank advert on the telly with its black horse running alongside the FC to re-post this.
Steel and copper forged and cast
To bring to life a legend’s past
Snorting steam and smoke at last
A spirit now set free
Polished to a brilliant sheen
In LNER racing green
No finer loco has there been
Nor ever will be too
Friday 15th January 2021 8:26 pm
A re-post from earlier days when dentists were open.
“You keep up with the brushing,
At least twice a day?
And have you done your flossin?”
“Wergly wergly werg”
“You keep good teeth“, he said to me
“But your gums recede.
How hard is your toothbrush?”
“Wergly wergly werg”
“You look well tanned for wintertime;
Have you been away?
“Wergly wergly wergly ...
Thursday 14th January 2021 12:56 pm
If any single event could be said to mark the birth of modern society, my own TOTP would hark back to the 14th century.
The Black Death is reckoned by historians to have accounted for the deaths of between 25 and 60% of England’s population and, in my view, marks the birth of capitalism on which society is organised.
Hitherto serfs were enthralled to landlords by ties of feudalism. The great...
Saturday 9th January 2021 11:36 pm
The tune is Leadbelly's "Bourgeois Blues". I am to blame for the lyrics. Trump is to blame for the rest.
I’ve always had a mind to visit Nashville Tennessee
But never would you catch me near to Washington, DC.
It’s a Traitor’s town
Ooooh a Traitor’s town
Those redneck traitors they wanna bring their Congress down
Home of the Free, Land of the Brave
Those Dixie boys ...
Thursday 7th January 2021 9:11 pm
A timely reminder, given the current cold snap we're having.
As we crunched through snow together
In inclement Arctic weather,
I thought I’d bring to mind an Old Icelandic song;
There’s a saga of the Viking
That you need to heed when hiking
That “Pissing in His Boots -
Keeps No Man Warm for Long”.
In Nordic runes it’s written
That if your foot’s frost-bitten...
Sunday 3rd January 2021 3:51 pm
A re-worked piece, updated and prompted by Jimmy Greaves being awarded the MBE in the New Year's Honours List.
Those of us who follow football will no doubt be aware that Wayne Rooney stands as England’s most prolific goalscorer.
A Pretender in my view.
Cited in the New Year’s Honours List is one James Peter Greaves, formerly of Chelsea, Tottenham Hotspur, AC Milan, West Ham and Engl...
Friday 1st January 2021 9:43 pm