The cycling is pleasant from Wakey to Cas
It’s mostly on tarmac or gravel or grass
No doubt you’ll surmise that the biking will be
Rural and quiet and hence traffic-free
It’s known as the greenway by those here who know
Although there is huggins of signage to show.
By the side of the Calder your journey starts there
Then by the canal to join up with the Aire
Thursday 14th October 2021 11:21 am
There really was a chip shop known as Sweaty Betty's on the corner of Hallgarth and Church Street when I was a student there in the 70's. She'll either be 130 years old now or she'll have gone to that Great Codfather in the sky.
Sweaty Woman With the greasy top
Sweaty Woman At the old chip shop
I watched your perspiration drip
Into the fat that fries the chips....
Monday 11th October 2021 5:01 pm
The prospect of being "no-platformed" has persuaded me to downtone the authenticity of the racist language typical of this Jim Crow era I would otherwise have used in this.
From the day he was the Champ he had a target on his back -
The price he paid for whupping Tommy Burns;
They tried to find The Great White Hope to end the reign of Jack.
He dumped him on the canvas like he...
Saturday 9th October 2021 10:41 pm
I’m talking about personal experiences I’ve witnessed and to which I was complicit, with some of them being relatively trifling deceptions and others not so much! And I have quite a rich vein to mine on this, having been a management consultant in more than 50 companies over a 20 year period.
At Sxxx, for example. This was a contract bakery which made bread and cakes for most of the major s...
Tuesday 5th October 2021 11:56 pm
A re-post from four years ago when she and Harry Redknapp were on "I'm a Celebrity...". My ardour for her has not waned.
I’ve got the hots for Hegerty
I think that she is Ace
Cos if I’d run her round the bed
I think I’d win The Chase.
I’ve little peccadillos
They’re naughty, I confess
To feel the crop upon my bum
Of Anne, The Governess
Old ‘Arry’s ‘e’s a ...
Friday 1st October 2021 10:36 pm
Ten wheels on my wagon but it’s not rolling along
It’s full of fuel but life’s so cruel
This delivery was for BP
They’re not singing a happy song.
Ten wheels on my wagon; it’s parked up back at the plant
Well, what a surprise now prices rise
Of gasoline, as you’ve all seen
You’re not singing a happy song.
Ten wheels on my wagon but it’s not rolling along
Monday 27th September 2021 9:34 pm
I read recently on the BBC News website that the parents of several girls of the same name had complained that their little darlings were being victimised because people were pretending to give them instructions. Clearly, in their minds, a matter for urgent lobbying.
But I really don’t get it. Just how fragile must you be to require protection from other kids saying, “Alexa, do this” (or “do ...
Saturday 18th September 2021 1:10 pm
Fellow Baby Boomers like myself will no doubt recall him. He appeared on Opportunity Knocks during the 1960’s.
OK was a talent show – a forerunner of BGT and The X Factor and all those other similar programmes predicated on low-cost TV. It was hosted by Hughie Green whose only talent seemed to be to pull a face every now and then. But it’s reassuring this tradition of talentless presenters w...
Thursday 16th September 2021 10:40 am
An inferior homage and update on Woody Guthrie's "Deportees - Plane Wreck at Los Gatos". Indeed, I slipped up in the recording and inadvertantly said "Deportees" in one of the choruses.
The cops count them in on the beaches of Dover
Those who have risked life and limb on our seas;
They flee from their homelands, from death and from torture
To seek better lives as escaped refugees...
Monday 13th September 2021 3:20 pm
Is it a hardy annual of our times? Something that in other ages was just thought of as an ingredient of a life to be lived, like Happiness or Pain or Death? No doubt my grandad experienced what we would call “stress” but, there again, the Germans were trying to shoot his bollocks off – not as traumatic, I grant you, as many of the challenges of today’s modern life, such as KFC running out of chic...
Thursday 9th September 2021 2:33 pm
A re-posted homage to the masterful Benny Hill. I have merely tried to develop his original.
The crocus and the hostas raise your mother’s memory
I recall the vile old crow cos she looked like an ‘oss to me
The cowslips bring back memories where they’re planted in the grass
The daft bat fell there; I said “That fat cow’s slipped on her arse”
We’d hide behind the cedar when I’d...
Sunday 5th September 2021 10:41 pm
In time as I’m laid to my terminal rest
I pray that there’s courage and peace in my breast;
I pray the Lord grants me, if these be his plans,
The hearts of mine enemies gripped in my hands.
Wednesday 1st September 2021 9:14 pm
A much needed Dylan Thomas/DIY/Shakespeare fusion poem and celebrating a little mishap which befell me at my daughter's house.
I should go gentle into that stud wall
For fear of piercing cable or a pipe
Else certes much skunk shite may me befall.
A wiser man might prod with a bradawl
At DIY, though, I am dud arsewipe
If only I’d drilled gentle through that wall.
Sunday 29th August 2021 10:59 pm
I’d waited alone in the bar for my date
The time we’d arranged was a quarter past eight
But now it was nine and I hoped she’s just late
As embarrassed I sat on my own
But you’re never alone with your phone.
A warm summer’s day and it’s turned half past three
I’m thinking it’s time for my afternoon tea
Our Gert’s still in Primark and so it’s just me
Amid the Darbys and ...
Friday 27th August 2021 12:26 pm
He was a friend of mine
He was a friend of mine
Carried me home when I fell behind their lines
He was a friend of mine
I met his family
Shared their meal and sipped their tea
I carried their photo in my wallet round with me
I met his family
He was a friend of mine
Sometimes we shared a skin of wine
He drove me to the airport where I left him behind
Monday 23rd August 2021 7:48 am
It used to worry me a fair bit when my kids were younger that they might put themselves in harm’s way when they’d had a few pops and, believe me, I know from first-hand experience that it might be in their genes. I too had been stupid in drink when I was younger to the point of being reckless.
Take these few examples, spawned from those days I spent taxpayer’s money in the form of my grant on...
Saturday 21st August 2021 1:39 pm
A re-post from 2019 when the Mighty Spurs beat Man City 4-4 (away goals) in the Quarter Final of the Champions League and prompted by today's 1-0 win over them. And this is what David Bowie meant to say.
The time was running out I’m feeling low
We’re 4-2 down cos of Aguerro
Then it turns round with Llorente’s goal;
But will the goal be disallowed?
A deathly hush falls upon the ...
Sunday 15th August 2021 9:02 pm
Even seasoned campaigners like Yours Truly get caught out from time to time.
I’d set off at 8 for the bus into Cas
(These days it costs nowt with my Pensioner’s Pass)
And when the bus stops the driver’s a lass
Who says in a tone brusque and surly
“Your pass is no good; you’re a twerlie”.
I wasn’t quite sure as to what she’s just said
But the bus pulled away and I scr...
Friday 6th August 2021 10:06 pm
Forget those nonsense conspiracy theories about microchips in your vaccine, 5G masts, Hillary Clinton and the devil-worshipping paedophile ring; even David Icke as the Grand Lizard. The real conspiracy is headed by ES.
Ubiquitous, as in a crowd, invisible to sight,
Relentless rolling through the day, anonymous by night
Corporately liveried in red and green and white
Just who can s...
Tuesday 3rd August 2021 11:58 pm
They made the news some little while ago. Les Gilets Jaunes or Yellow Jackets as it translates.
They emerged in 2018, protesting about something or other. But you can’t take French street protests too seriously when they happen every other day. It might have been over pension reform or air traffic control or lorry drivers or the price of frogs’ legs – it’s all pretty incomprehensible to anyo...
Tuesday 27th July 2021 8:35 pm
I thought that Auden made a creditable putt at this but nevertheless it needed improving!
Where is the Night Mail which once crossed the border
Which brought us our cheques and our postal orders
With bundles of letters for disembarcation
For sorting at depots next door to the station
An essential amenity served by the train
But post’s now transported by truck or by plane
Saturday 24th July 2021 11:02 pm
An oldie but a goldie.
They say we’re young but I’m a man
And ewe, I know is mutton dressed as lamb.
The other sheep say it’s wrong when
You shag me as well as other men.
Babe, I got ewe Babe.
I got ewe Babe.
Those happy nights we spent alone
While next door your sheepdog gnawed his bone.
I’d take a shower, you’d swim the dip,
I’d paint your hooves, I’d...
Tuesday 20th July 2021 10:21 am
Some little while ago I read Bill Bryson’s “One Summer – America 1927”, in which he writes about various events of that year – the Lindbergh Crossing, Babe Ruth’s season and the release of The Jazz Singer among other things. The genius of the man is to make “unputdownable” something about which I had no prior interest. It inspired me to have a go myself and, with reason, I chose 1952.
It was ...
Saturday 17th July 2021 10:05 pm
A poem I wrote while I was Verger at Selby Abbey
And prior to this each wedding guest
Arrives bedecked in Sunday best
The groom and ushers like cock birds
Winking, whispering knowing words
At length appears this Wednesday’s queen
Alighting from her limousine
Then with her dress the bridesmaids fussed
Last minute details to adjust
Her father proudly standing by
Wednesday 14th July 2021 5:01 pm
The current gourmand’s feast of football at the European Championships reminds me of an incident 55 years ago, almost to the day.
They say there are some events in world history by which you can remember exactly where you were and what you were doing at the time. This was one of those and in that respect is probably shared by every man of my age.
As a 14-year old boy I was suffering a two w...
Monday 12th July 2021 11:45 am
Worldwide fans will have noted the venture in my last post, “World of Sport”, into the comforting realm of nostalgia. As I am a bit loathe to hand back the blanket I submit this offering on “tuffees”.
When I was a nipper the weekend’s evenings were an orgy of sugar and telly. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights me and our Linda would accompany my dad to the beer-off to help relieve his pock...
Wednesday 7th July 2021 5:06 pm
Some interference on the audio.
While I was surfing that cinematic piece of mindless enthralment that is YouTube, I came across some clips of the wonderfully nostalgic World of Sport – Dickie Davis, Eamonn Andrews, Fred Dinenage an’ all.
Several “sports” featured such as darts and ten pin bowling but it was the wrestling which was the jewel in the crown, and whole prison cell doors in m...
Monday 5th July 2021 4:44 pm
If he'd have tried a bit harder this is the masterpiece Cat Stevens could have come up with rather than that piece of pap about not being time to make a change.
As you approach twenty-one
Get out there and start to have fun
But before you start kissing
It’s time you should listen
To a father’s advice to his son.
When choosing a woman, of course,
Be wary of some of th...
Thursday 1st July 2021 11:30 pm
Yes, it’s gonna be a backbench Matt Hancock
His ending has come down to this
A catalogue of criticism and failure
Sealed with a kiss.
Boris Johnson said he’s just “fucking hopeless”
And looked for a way to dismiss
Then Doormat Hancock said “I’ll do it for you,
And seal it with a kiss”.
He lied about all the care homes
He lied about PPE
He stuffed his pocket...
Monday 28th June 2021 10:09 pm
It's that time again.
A professor of medicine from Chile
Is conducting research you'd think silly
His study comprises
Comparing the sizes
(I can see that you've guessed) of men's willies.
It seems the good Doctor's detected
Amongst the sample selected
That phalluses fall
Into “normal” or “small”
(That's under 2 inch when erected).
But a problem has h...
Thursday 17th June 2021 9:23 pm
We’ve lived in it for 35 years. We bought it new so “Ol’ House” is a bit of a stretch. But we’re moving soon. “Downsizing” they call it, although the concept seems to have eluded Our Gert who has gone for another 4-bedroomed detached which will end up costing us more than we’re getting for ours. I, on the other hand, was looking for something that would do me till they carried me out in a box....
Tuesday 1st June 2021 8:28 am
I’ve played in most positions so that being quick and lean
I started off at fullback where I wore the shirt “15”.
I joined the line in their attacks, my kick was like a mule’s,
I tackled like a rhino (sometimes within the rules!)
A surfeit of jam puddings, though, at dinner time would mean
The coaches said that I’d become the fattest back they’d seen;
And fellow team mates o...
Friday 28th May 2021 9:58 pm
An imminent house move means I shall have to leave my sheds behind. Our Gert has threatened me that the new abode is to be shed-less. Little does she realise that a shed is the secret to a happy marriage.
There’s summat that a husband like me dreads
That they ought to warn a bloke of when he weds;
That’s the sound of Our Gert’s call
And her ominous footfall;
That’s why the Gre...
Wednesday 26th May 2021 11:10 pm
Unlike ourselves they’ll not grow old
Now empty shells where once they sold
Their stuff in every High Street town
Their names respected and of renown;
For these victims of this viral year
Some raise a glass, some shed a tear;
Department stores know how this feels
Ask Debenhams, John Lewis, Beales
Oasis, Warehouse, Thorntons closed
And Evans for your fatties’ clothes
Tuesday 25th May 2021 8:20 am
The "eagle"-eyed among you may spot that this is a re-post from when I was a young man in my prime with functioning body parts.
On a cool Torquay evening three kids in the car
One sick just preceding, most of it on Ma;
We’d travelled down from Barnsley, argued all the way
My head was pounding from the constant shouting;
Just glad to end that day.
A sign by the highway was a ...
Sunday 23rd May 2021 12:46 am
Some years ago, while I was working on a contract away from home, my shoes gave up on me. I was desperate to get another pair to go to work in the next day so choice was a bit limited. I found a pair in a charity shop which seemed to do the job. Some of the clothes in these shops are from house clearances after a bereavement. And I could tell that these shoes were from a dead man. What's more...
Thursday 20th May 2021 10:50 pm
In the early 1990’s I was tasked by British Coal with organising the recruitment for the imminently opening North Selby Mine.
We preferred experienced transferees from closing mines, either locally or from further afield, like South Wales; but we also took on “Green Labour”.
I recall one occasion when I received a bunch of application forms which included two from Russia. Bear in mind that ...
Monday 17th May 2021 8:35 pm
I've just given my 50th donation today. I was disappointed not to be trumpeted in.
I’ve seen many movies that starred Vincent Price
Or Karloff or Christopher Lee
I’ve watched at the cinema or on the box
Where I’ve peeped from behind the settee.
I saw Captain Quint get clean bit in half
By a fish we just knew as Jaws
The Exorcist too made me sweat at what next
Thursday 13th May 2021 7:22 pm
Isn’t that the Freerider Kensington she’s riding?
With Captain’s seat and pneumatic tyres?
By the way, where’d ya buy it?
I saw it stood in EdenCare
It had pizzaz, it had the flair
I thought “That’s mine. I’m Leader of the Pack”.
My knees were always letting me down (down down down)
I struggled hard to walk around town;
I couldn’t tackle modest h...
Tuesday 11th May 2021 10:11 pm
I’ve planted spuds; I’ve planted peas;
I’ve scrabbled round on hands and knees;
I’ve sprayed against a plague of bugs
But seen them eaten up by slugs;
The seeds had cost me seven quid
Which from the wife I kept well hid;
I’ve had to chuck them in the bin
(At Tesco’s they’re ten pence a tin!)
In light of this my bets I’ve hedged
And gave up cultivating veg;
Sunday 9th May 2021 10:46 pm
I'd never heard the saying until we visited some years ago.
The chanting in the cloister
The pealing of the bell,
As sure as God’s in Gloucester
So all with Gloucester’s well.
It’s said that God in Heaven
Benignly chose this place
This city by the Severn
To domicile his grace.
So many towers skywards tilt
As to the clouds they’ve clawed
So many seats...
Thursday 6th May 2021 8:06 pm
Several of the formative experiences of my earlier years took place on Friday afternoons in the Admiral Duncan, Hyson Green, Nottingham. The place would be crowded with blokes awaiting the arrival and subsequent deshabille of the day’s stripper.
A particular favourite of mine and many of the others was a woman in her late 20’s I’d guess, whose name has faded into the mists of my youth but whos...
Wednesday 28th April 2021 11:21 pm
I'm reading Hunter Davies's "The Co-op's Got Bananas" at the moment - recollections of his childhood. It prompted this memory of mine.
When I was a kid I collected cards. They weren’t cigarette cards by then, with artists impressions of clean-living, square-jawed footballers, all looking like Roy-of-the Rovers.
No, by my childhood you found them mainly in packet tea. I collected ful...
Monday 26th April 2021 8:09 pm
The title is pure plagiarism from Bill Bryson's "The Road to Little Dribbling" which everyone should read rather than my dribblings.
Love me tandoor, sag aloo
Take me to your heart;
Chingri chaat, prawn vindaloo
Popadums to start;
Love me tandoor faithfully
Two peshwari naan
Seekh kebab and prawn puri
Sizzler from the pan.
Love me tandoor, love me nice
Thursday 22nd April 2021 10:38 pm
Bill Brown’s body lies a-turning in his grave
For him, Mackay and Blanchflower it’s not Mammon that they’d crave
And other icons of the past all knew how to behave
But the Spurs have sold their soul.
We have a proud tradition when the season ends in “1”
We’ve won the Cup, we’ve won the League but now this is all gone
He’s branded with his infamy our Harry Kane and Son
Tuesday 20th April 2021 8:54 pm
Last Monday when lockdown eased we were first out of the blocks to whisk our caravan off to Bridlington. Being there was nice but driving there was even more fun.
You folks are always putting me down (down, down)
You say you think I drive like a clown;
It’s fair to say you’re no fan
When you’re stuck behind my caravan.
Tough shit! For now, I’m Leader of the Pack.
Monday 19th April 2021 4:14 pm
Matt Hancock own shares with his sister
In Topwood; he says “It’s no sin”;
Some 15% he was gifted
My God how the money rolls in.
Now Topwood supplies the Health Service
And where does procurement begin?
The Minister is Door Matt Hancock
My God how the money rolls in.
Rolls in, rolls in
My God how the money rolls in.
Now Cameron lobbies for Greensill
Saturday 17th April 2021 2:24 pm
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a zealous republican; but nor am I an ardent monarchist either, for that matter. I sit firmly in the camp of “Don’t give a shit”. It doesn’t bother me whom we have as Head of State to press the flesh of dictators of former colonies.
So it was with deep apathy that I learned of the death of Prince Philip. He struck me as an offensive, upper class twit; but that was...
Thursday 15th April 2021 8:33 pm
Written on the occasion of our Ruby Wedding Anniversary. Cowperthwaite was the vicar. That we ran out of food at the reception was largely down to him, the greedy git.
We have a photo stowed away
That’s taken on our wedding day;
In truth it does not flatter us –
My double chin, your mountainous
Bosoms occupying all
The shot in their supported sprawl.
But when I ma...
Saturday 10th April 2021 7:23 am
A re-post; but who's counting?
There’s a lady out there
And she can’t climb the stairs
At her bedtime which is
Half past seven;
She was lured was Aunt Hannah
By the junkmail from Stannah
Into buying their Stairlift
But she found it so slow
When she needed to go -
Half an hour on the Stairlift
So from ground to first floor
Wednesday 7th April 2021 10:34 pm