As I walked through West Haddlesey

I clocked a bloke an’ ‘e clocked me

I nodded and bid ‘im “Good Day”

But all the old git had to say

Wa’ “Naar Then!”

Then nowt more said as ‘e trudged by

I puzzled this confused reply;

Whilst not the greatest o’ life’s shocks

It seemed a perfect paradox.

Naar ,

A paradox is when two bits

O’ thought are polar opposites

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The first time that I saw him I heard his scooter beep

He made a big impression then which memory I shall keep.

I copped him outside Flavour’s (sic) (Apostrophe Abuse!

Grammatical precision here is played with fast and loose).

For this is downtown Castleford where orange Tigers prowl

And few here know the difference twixt consonant and vowel.

But thats another story (sic) so, hel...

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Mostly to do with upsetting people that matter to me – Our Gert and the kids.  But they all predicate on two principles – things I’ve said or done which I shouldn’t have and things I haven’t said or done with I should have.  But it might be a measure of my superficiality that my mind keeps returning to a school rugby match over 50 years ago.

I was playing as an open side flanker.  They had a li...

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Something for Holocaust Memorial Day - but a different angle.

They took us near Vinnytsia in 1941

Supply lines long since severed, ammunition all but gone.

We numbered 97 boys, all from Podillia’s lands

They shot a half of us right then as we raised our hands.

They ordered us to strip our dead beneath that wintery sun

I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “What would you ...

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I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it on the box but the premise is a simple one – ostensibly.  It is to turn the dating game on its head.  Whereas conventionally a relationship starts with a first date, a coffee or a drink in a pub, perhaps followed by a trip to local Essoldo, a goodnight kiss etc and, if things go well, end up in bed, sometimes with a loved and lifelong partner.

In Naked Attrac...

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Zahawi, oh, oh!

He’s Sorry; Oh, oh, oh, oh!

So please, you must understand

It’s not something that I planned;

And now I’ve paid back

All my outstanding tax,

A careless and small oversight;

I tried to keep hid

The five million quid I was light;

And as per the laws

There were penalty clauses.  Oh, shite!

Zahawi, …….

I ran the country’s Exchequer

We caught ...

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Believe me if you want to or ignore me if you don’t

It will not fuss me either way; I tell you, chums, it won’t.

It’s a story of a spectacle I witnessed once in France

About a shagging couple whom we happened on by chance.

We’d gone out “birding” in the woods, the wife’s old man and me

And both had binoculars, enhancing what we’d see.

We’d spotted Milan Noirs et Busards circ...

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I was given three choices by the dentist

1  have it extracted

2  live with it and run the risk of its infection spreading

3  root canal treatment costing hundreds of pounds

You won’t be surprised to learn I discounted No. 3 quicksticks.

So today I went back for the extraction.

It’s been over 50 years since I last had an extraction and I can tell you in those days dentists were bu...

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There never was such injustice

To torture an innocent soul

As that dealt out by the Halifax bitch

Whose heart is as black as kohl.

For she struts abroad in her manor

Bathing in Virtue and Good

While he seethes alone with his daemons

Child-like and misunderstood.

But Hope is never abandoned

If we all rise with one voice

And shout from our streets and the hill...

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My 91 year old mother-in-law lies in a Stroke Rehab Unit at the moment.  Three years ago she was ballroom dancing and doing countryside walks.  Five years ago she was playing tennis.  Yesterday was her birthday.  She is a shell of who she used to be.

A student nurse feeds Rosie a meal she didn’t choose

But Rosie’s thoughts are far away; she’s at The Moulin Rouge.

A chorus girl and da...

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Let me say from the off that the Kit Kat Chunky is without peer as my favourite bar of chocolate.  And I’m not alone in this view.  Kit Kat is the 2nd best selling chocolate bar in the world.  But let me add that I am hugely impressed by the skill of Nestle in achieving this with not very much.

I’ll explain, shall I?  Everyone will realise the cleverness of putting a hole in a Polo mint and, wh...

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Aficianados may have noticed a passing resemblance to Elvis Presley's "Teddy Bear"

I don’t wanna be your oven ready Spare

The place I fill

Is after Will

To be the country’s heir

Don’t wanna be your ready Spare.

Don’t wanna be a royal

In Camilla’s crew

I say that I want out

But also have my cake

And eat it too.

The book sales they will make me a mu...

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The Challenge Cup Final of May ‘68

Is etched in my memory from that fateful date

Affording the chance for the Good to be Great

For some though the memory mocks

None more so than Wakey’s Don Fox.

For those unfamiliar this was the scene

The climax of which was the best ever seen

An epic Cup Final contested between

West Yorkshire’s top pedigree breeds

The pride of Wake...

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Three little letters

Each on its own benign

November, Delta, Romeo

Short and anodyne.

But once in combination

In your heart strike fear

And three that you will never

Ever want to hear.

Three letters that will haunt you

You’ll bear for life the scar

In memory of the time they asked

Your views on DNR.

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I’m a long time out of it now, so whether modern-day woke-ism has overtaken it or not, I really don’t know.

But 50 years ago when I was an exceptionally mediocre rugby player post-match entertainment would be described at its kindest as “laddist”.

In those days even top tier rugby union at the international level wasn’t professional.  In the sport’s bargain basement where I wore my boots not...

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(I'm sure Adele would like to team up with a singing talent like me!)

There’s a fire burning in my hearth

It’s warm there and it’s cosy – no need for gloves or scarf

But I must be demented and not right in the head

Or easily persuaded – I’m on the beach instead.

The wind it is howling and the waves are pounding in

My toe dips in the North Sea – it’s time I must begin

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