Hi Mark - I tried to send you a message but not entirely sure it's gone through!

This is another great poem, a living document of injustice and passion. I love it. In terms of critique, I'm not sure that the last verse is absolutely necessary - the 'cake' reference doesn't QUITE fit for me, although I do really like the threat of the last line.

Anyway, if you didn't get the private message, I might as well make it publicly:


Hello Mark

I know you and I had scuffles in the past, but I am just reaching out with an olive branch to see if we can put it behind us. I was out of order in the way I reacted to your poem (and I remember just what it was about!) so would like to extend the hand of peace.

Your latest poems are not just good or great poems, they are crucially important documents, and are what I personally see as part of a poet's 'duty', for want of a better word. I applaud your passion, your commitment, and your integrity.

Anyway, you don't have to accept this, there's no obligation, but it's here.

Cheers

Laura

Comment is about If you don't understand us (blog)

Original item by Mark Mr T Thompson

Lovely images - though I feel I want to hear more.

Comment is about After the leaving (blog)

Original item by Tommy Carroll

lot of great,thought provoking lines Tom.Thanks.xx

Comment is about Whereabouts (blog)

Original item by Tom

Thank you Alex. It was fun writing it and I've had fun performing it to my family. Poetry should be fun - now and again :)

Comment is about Beautiful (blog)

Original item by Isobel

Excellent Tommy. Almost the odour of memory.

my smile's cheek - indeed, offering the literal and the image of sexual flirtation and mannish pride.

Perhaps without the photo - the poem would also hint at a darker loss...maybe in its title it already does.

Of course the fear here is also that the memory will be no longer. Otherwise why would the gown be felt at all, if it was not in order to induce the ever fading memory?

quality.

Best of

Chris

Comment is about After the leaving (blog)

Original item by Tommy Carroll

Thanks Chris, really constructive feedback. May well consider a review, agree that those are both the neatest and most effective lines, I have tidied a little (I often share far too early in the process, my poems of grow considerably when I take them of the page). I have edited out the extraneous word, you're right I reworked the line and left it there in error. Appreciate the both the time time you invested and nature of your input.

Comment is about If you don't understand us (blog)

Original item by Mark Mr T Thompson

The Puzzle Hall Inn, in God's own country of Pennine West Yorkshire, is full of character, and full of characters in the adjoining bar. But Sowerby Bridge's Puzzle Poets, aided by the mic, gave as good as they got on Monday night in terms of noise - and delivered high-quality poetry, too. Guest poet Ralph Dartford read from his new collection Cigarettes, Beer and Love, and gave us two football poems as well, and spoke of his pride at being named poet-in-residence of Ossett Town FC. John Foggin maintained the Ossett connection and contributed some masterly poems from his sequence of childhood recollections; David Lindsay delivered a fevered account of some right carryings on at Luddenden Foot; other contributors included Spoken Weird's Genevieve Walsh. Write Out Loud's Julian Jordon and Greg Freeman added their twopennworth, and with Freda Davis presiding serenely over proceedings, it was no puzzle why this was a very satisfying poetry night.

Review is about Puzzle Poets Live at the Blind Pig on 5 Aug 2013 (event)

Forgive the phrase - killer lines

We wouldn’t have to fight like dog
For the recognition none receive,

A superbly written evocation of a rather ultimate failing. A past failing, compounded by a present failing, leading to the ultimate failing - denial.
The denial not only to provide a future, but also the denial of hope for one.

Harrowing.

Comment is about Every Veterans Hair is Turning White (blog)

Original item by Noetic-fret!

An eloquent definition or re-defining of the word of your title.

Well thought.

Best of

Chris

Comment is about Re-cognition (blog)

Original item by Harry O`N eill

If you think that we're too blinkered
Far too focused on the past
Note the keyword I just stated was latest not the last.

For me these are the best lines of the poem - excellent!

For that reason, I would look to reframe the poem around these lines and go out on these words/re-jig the poem to finish with these lines.

Sometimes a high standard becomes its own headache.

All subjective of course - anyway I enjoyed reading.

One minor thing - in the last line of the penultimate stanza, the fourth word "you" needs to be removed...looks like it just got left behind in an edit.

Best of

Chris

Comment is about If you don't understand us (blog)

Original item by Mark Mr T Thompson

Stanley Unwin meets Spike Miligan - Stunned!

It must have been the zapper.

Go now, I must.

Comment is about Sci-Fi So Good (blog)

Original item by Ian Whiteley

Noise and bubbles and costumes and smiles.
Drums, cameras, banners and signs.

These lines seem to capture the energy best for me, very nice half rhyme too!

Also love the deliberate literal use of the line that followed.

"Jesus had two dads and he turned out fine"

Lovely warm humour by being literal. It's not often that you get funny biblical comedy - and it works - had me chuckling. Also how often does the bible seem to lend weight to gay rights - warm tolerant and humorous.

On a serious note, it had me thinking about how some abuse the bible by taking things very literally. I don't know if this was in your thinking, but it is a nice reversal of that practice. It just goes to show you the power of interpretation.

I can see the angle in reference to a march being a plod and can see why you are saying what you are, by way of explanation. But I can see Freda's point too.

Maybe something that connects the two and squares the circle could be achieved?

This march is not a plod - but should we need to!
Let's plod like God...
Towards freedom!

Not necessarily like the above, but..Mmm you get the idea. I guess it depends on how you feel and what is important for you to say. Maybe the poem already articulates your feelings correctly.

Comments are valid and can be of use, but a camel is a horse made by committee - so always the poet has to be the final arbiter of all.

I like the poem, the lines I highlighted in particular. Aside from the language - The sentiment is obviously very agreeable.

The only thing I would change if it were me...the title. There is the danger that it could be seen as singling yourself out from the crowd, as though to suggest you are writing a poem on the subject, kind of saying; in case your thinking, i'm not errrm you know ;). I know you're not of that mindset, but the title could lead people who don't know you into that conclusion.

Best of

Chris

Comment is about Straight Guy on a Pride March (blog)

Original item by Dave Bradley

This is cool, Aaron! :-) We want to see more poetry from you, little dude!!

Comment is about Monkey on the park (blog)

Original item by Kath Hewitt

Hi Aaron,

Not sure what 'on the park' means... here we say either 'at the park' or 'in the park' - if it means the same thing - otherwise, delightful and fun! Keep writing!

p.s I bet I know who that monkey was!

Comment is about Monkey on the park (blog)

Original item by Kath Hewitt

The nearly known
is the broken
it's the matchbox
that can't open.

Comment is about Matchbox (blog)

Original item by Katy Megan

You have the right to write
I certainly like what I see.

You have the right to write
if I ever dared a kiss.

You have the right to write
rather than your cute little botty.

You have the right to write
I would prefer face to face.

You have the right then to
tell me exactly on which cheek!

Comment is about I have the right to write (blog)

Original item by Shirley Smothers

Very good, made me laugh. Keep up the good work dude!

Comment is about Monkey on the park (blog)

Original item by Kath Hewitt

Ver atmospheric -left me wanting to know more . .
Best wishes, Steve

Comment is about INTERLUDE (blog)

Original item by John E Marks

Greece has gone right down the nick since Olivia Newton John and John Travolta left! :-)Good one John!

Comment is about Lending (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

Very good. Made me smile

Comment is about Rejection (blog)

Original item by Gareth Glyn Roberts

I Liked this. It flows really well.

Comment is about Lending (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

I fully support you right to write, Shirley, but I've kind of got stuck thinking about the last stanza!

Comment is about I have the right to write (blog)

Original item by Shirley Smothers

I think you've got 2 or 3 poems going on in here Ian.
As ever, the rhythm is mesmeric (and so different from one you just posted which seems to have disappeared but which was dactylic or anapaestic or somesuch 3/4 time).
"And flowing full the burgeoning that is the all and all" - I'll have to pinch that!

Comment is about WANDERLUST (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

Dave - as for titles...a few years ago, this would have probably been called -"Straight Guy On a Bent March". But time and tolerance moves ahead. I rather liked the "plodding" theme - it sums up the often everyday mundanity that can accompany great social changes in attitudes when the previously rejected and reviled are re-assessed and accommodated.

Comment is about Straight Guy on a Pride March (blog)

Original item by Dave Bradley

Lovely sense of longing. Perfect in it's way.

Comment is about WANDERLUST (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

Hi John, enjoyed this. I like the detail of the first verse. A nice atmosphere.

Comment is about INTERLUDE (blog)

Original item by John E Marks

Hi Ian, many thanks for the kind words on 'radio'. Enjoying your audio tracks.

Comment is about Ian Whiteley (poet profile)

Original item by Ian Whiteley

A touching piece on a totally avoidable tragedy. Feel for the victim, and also for the good coppers so badly betrayed by someone who should never have been allowed to wear that uniform in the first place. It takes a special kind of forebearance and grace under pressure in the attendant circumstances and the offender showed all too clearly he just didn't have what it takes.

Comment is about Kettled (blog)

This is lovely. The Sargasso Sea is getting a few mentions today.
Starfish

Comment is about PASSING STRANGE (blog)

Original item by John E Marks

Another stimulating essay to make one think, set out in perfect rhythm and choice phraseology.
The modern conveniences available to the modern western traveller are products of their times, no less than the traveller. As for impoverished peoples elsewhere, would they not be poorer without the money travellers bring? The old "supply and demand" adage still applies: having something to sell that people want to buy. That has always been the way of the world and "wealth" is relative to one's own lifestyle and expectations.

Comment is about WANDERLUST (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

I found this to be poignant and beautifully descriptive. Loved it!
Starfish

Comment is about WANDERLUST (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

And to make matters worse the fracking w....r meant here on the Lancashire coast!! As if explaining that made it all right! Like Harry so eloquently puts it, " let him frack off and frack in his own back yard" and may subsidy be upon all he owns!
Cate xx

Comment is about Lord Howell (Silly Auld Fracka) (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

That poem was `Lily Going By`

Comment is about cbyrne (poet profile)

Original item by cbyrne

I like the way the words `cow` `guts` and `yoke` end with the made-ness of `sing`

A `makes you think` poem.

Comment is about To Make A Lyre (blog)

Original item by cbyrne

Rhyming (as usual) excellent.

The last stanza poses the essential question.

Comment is about INHERITANCE (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

I like the strikingly original analogy of those first four stanzas.

The last stanza effects me but I can`t say why
(I think it`s to do with that word `but`)

I don`t care what anyone else thinks...It`s a love poem.

By the way, I liked your play on `complaint` in the last one.

Comment is about The woman at my table (blog)

Original item by Tommy Carroll

I know this feeling (I`ve had it) it`s too miserably comfortable, it never lasts.

Comment is about For A Second I Forgot #2 (blog)

Original item by Jonnie Falafel

Thanks Freda. I toyed with the idea of leaving a gap before 'we plodded along' but didn't. The idea, which may well be half-baked, is that once all the fun and celebration is over, the process of making a better more tolerant world, is often a plod, just like the boring bits of a march. And I have the temerity to think God is involved in it.
The title is my "Wow what am I doing here?" and probably does sound daft to march veterans.

Comment is about Straight Guy on a Pride March (blog)

Original item by Dave Bradley

I'm not sure I get the significance of the title. What makes it specifically the response of a straight guy. I'd agree with Freda too some energy seemed to disipate.

Comment is about Straight Guy on a Pride March (blog)

Original item by Dave Bradley

Thanks guys.

This was extracted from a conversation, the guy was speaking, trying to form his feelings ...and she (in red) was talking softly over him.

Comment is about Julia (blog)

Original item by Christopher Dawson

Yes Shirley, you have the right to write. Don't be put off by people who don't want to hear you. You can write what you want, but they have the right to ignore you. Ignore them too. Its good to put stuff up on Write Out Loud where people do want to hear what you have to say. Get going, put it all down, and choose what you want people to read. But go back over what you write too, and think- is this the best way to say this? Can I reach how I feel about this with the words I use? Am I being honest?
Lets hear more from you.

Comment is about I have the right to write (blog)

Original item by Shirley Smothers

This is interesting as it seems to give up somewhere near the end and turn a bit lame. The energy of a gay pride march runs through it right up to the 'two Dads' quip, but what happened then? It had lines of four beats, but suddenly its all Mr Plod.
I want to say, go back to that moment. You are leaving something out that really mattered. Because you turned away from tackling it, the energy disappeared and you tailed off.
Poetry demands that you say the unspoken. (IMHO)

Comment is about Straight Guy on a Pride March (blog)

Original item by Dave Bradley

loved it,but! we would have ended the poem...
'I want-you-to make-the-feel-of-my lips
an indelible memory'

??
xx

Comment is about Julia (blog)

Original item by Christopher Dawson

Incidentally it's in a fine tradition too. John Donne has a poem like this... and do you know the song "I Wanna Be Seduced?"...

Comment is about I wanna have sex with you ! (blog)

I like this very much! Sort of romantic and raunchy. I was thinking of posting a similar poem here but thought twice because it's more bipolar regarding this. Maybe i'll do it. It's title is "Hot Afternoon Fucks".... we're all adults aren't we?

Comment is about I wanna have sex with you ! (blog)

Love this one Ged. I can relate to it. After my youngest son got burned he was transferred to a specialist burns unit at Booth Hall Children s Hospital, his Mum in the ambulance with him, with the lights flashing but no siren. They traveled so slowly, like slow motion. I followed on my Triumph Thunderbird. It was an eerie surreal journey. All that was in my head was the growl of the bike and all that was in my eyes was the flashing blue light. This piece has haunted me Ged. Would like to hear you read it mate. Captures the feeling. Thanks.

Comment is about Blue Lights, No Siren (blog)

Original item by Ged Thompson

I really enjoyed this - but add my ha'porth as a southerner for all the slights and rebuffs from "the north". :-))
If it weren't for the need to waste time in "the north"
Defeating those pests - like Duke William: Viking,
King Harold and his foot-wearies had to set forth
Down to Hastings where they would have won to their liking.
And our England would have been free of French rule,
With their avaricious aristos greedy and cruel.
For a thousand years she's been paying the price
For the defeat of King Harold - forced to fight
TWICE!
("North" is a frame of mind as well as a location and I include all those north of Watford - especially any boasting of Viking DNA...frack 'em all - so there!!)

Comment is about Lord Howell (Silly Auld Fracka) (blog)

Original item by John Coopey

Not so 'anti-Establishment' as to eschew nepotism, however...!

Comment is about Poet's daughter takes over as editor of literary magazine Ambit (article)

Original item by Greg Freeman

Hi Shirley - thanks for your entry on my profile page about this poem. The "right" to write - when placed in the public domain - invites the right to criticise and comment. That goes with the job. What I can't abide is the defensive abuse that greets a challenge to an often malign point of view expressed as "poetry".
Keep writing!!

Comment is about I have the right to write (blog)

Original item by Shirley Smothers