If you don't understand us
on a very long list.
was the latest not the last.
and yet still our world's quite ill.
falling fast to worse from bad.
and hold on tightly to your crown
it just might be your last mistake.
Hi Mark - I tried to send you a message but not entirely sure it's gone through!
This is another great poem, a living document of injustice and passion. I love it. In terms of critique, I'm not sure that the last verse is absolutely necessary - the 'cake' reference doesn't QUITE fit for me, although I do really like the threat of the last line.
Anyway, if you didn't get the private message, I might as well make it publicly:
Hello Mark
I know you and I had scuffles in the past, but I am just reaching out with an olive branch to see if we can put it behind us. I was out of order in the way I reacted to your poem (and I remember just what it was about!) so would like to extend the hand of peace.
Your latest poems are not just good or great poems, they are crucially important documents, and are what I personally see as part of a poet's 'duty', for want of a better word. I applaud your passion, your commitment, and your integrity.
Anyway, you don't have to accept this, there's no obligation, but it's here.
Cheers
Laura
Thanks Chris, really constructive feedback. May well consider a review, agree that those are both the neatest and most effective lines, I have tidied a little (I often share far too early in the process, my poems of grow considerably when I take them of the page). I have edited out the extraneous word, you're right I reworked the line and left it there in error. Appreciate the both the time time you invested and nature of your input.
If you think that we're too blinkered
Far too focused on the past
Note the keyword I just stated was latest not the last.
For me these are the best lines of the poem - excellent!
For that reason, I would look to reframe the poem around these lines and go out on these words/re-jig the poem to finish with these lines.
Sometimes a high standard becomes its own headache.
All subjective of course - anyway I enjoyed reading.
One minor thing - in the last line of the penultimate stanza, the fourth word "you" needs to be removed...looks like it just got left behind in an edit.
Best of
Chris
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Mark Mr T Thompson
Wed 7th Aug 2013 14:48
Thanks Laura, I do hear the critique, and I am struggling with the fact that best lines in the piece are not the conclusion. But I like the idea of there being a possible consequence to the lack of understanding, the Victorians found it in infectious disease, french aristocracy faced it staring at a basket, who knows where this lot will find it, but I sincerely hope they do.
As to the rest I was not at all upset. What we had was a deeply empassioned debate, where both parties brought hearts, ideas and ears to the exchange. I wrote a provocative piece and you were provoked to respond. I thought we had a healthy exchange in which we both ended up understanding each others views. I only ever seek appology where I think people have been insensitive or intended to offend. You did neither and I welcome your input and I am very flattered and little embarrassed by your kind words. What you have outlined is what I hope to do, I am delighted that you can see and appreciate my efforts.
Best wishes,
Mark