If you don't understand us

by Mark Mr T Thompson

Sunday 24th November 2013 9:53 am (first posted Tuesday 6th August 2013 9:54 am)

If you wonder why we're pissed,

then you surely must have missed that

Trayvon's name was just the latest
on a very long list.

If you think we are too blinkered

far too focused on the past

note the keyword I just stated
was the latest not the last.

If you believe we are too bitter,

maybe you should taste time's pill,

a dose supposed to make life better
and yet still our world's quite ill.

If you suggest the struggle's over,

I contend you're blessed or mad,

I see lives that ne'er were easy
falling fast to worse from bad.

If you hope we will accept it

that we'll just take it lying down,

well I would watch your back
and hold on tightly to your crown

As if you don't understand us

you may say we should eat cake...

and while that wouldn't be your worst
it just might be your last mistake.

Comments

Mark Mr T Thompson

Wed 7th Aug 2013 14:48

Thanks Laura, I do hear the critique, and I am struggling with the fact that best lines in the piece are not the conclusion. But I like the idea of there being a possible consequence to the lack of understanding, the Victorians found it in infectious disease, french aristocracy faced it staring at a basket, who knows where this lot will find it, but I sincerely hope they do.

As to the rest I was not at all upset. What we had was a deeply empassioned debate, where both parties brought hearts, ideas and ears to the exchange. I wrote a provocative piece and you were provoked to respond. I thought we had a healthy exchange in which we both ended up understanding each others views. I only ever seek appology where I think people have been insensitive or intended to offend. You did neither and I welcome your input and I am very flattered and little embarrassed by your kind words. What you have outlined is what I hope to do, I am delighted that you can see and appreciate my efforts.

Best wishes,

Mark

Laura Taylor

Wed 7th Aug 2013 09:25

Hi Mark - I tried to send you a message but not entirely sure it's gone through!

This is another great poem, a living document of injustice and passion. I love it. In terms of critique, I'm not sure that the last verse is absolutely necessary - the 'cake' reference doesn't QUITE fit for me, although I do really like the threat of the last line.

Anyway, if you didn't get the private message, I might as well make it publicly:

Hello Mark

I know you and I had scuffles in the past, but I am just reaching out with an olive branch to see if we can put it behind us. I was out of order in the way I reacted to your poem (and I remember just what it was about!) so would like to extend the hand of peace.

Your latest poems are not just good or great poems, they are crucially important documents, and are what I personally see as part of a poet's 'duty', for want of a better word. I applaud your passion, your commitment, and your integrity.

Anyway, you don't have to accept this, there's no obligation, but it's here.

Cheers

Laura

Mark Mr T Thompson

Tue 6th Aug 2013 22:37

Thanks Chris, really constructive feedback. May well consider a review, agree that those are both the neatest and most effective lines, I have tidied a little (I often share far too early in the process, my poems of grow considerably when I take them of the page). I have edited out the extraneous word, you're right I reworked the line and left it there in error. Appreciate the both the time time you invested and nature of your input.

Chris Co

Tue 6th Aug 2013 20:01

If you think that we're too blinkered
Far too focused on the past
Note the keyword I just stated was latest not the last.

For me these are the best lines of the poem - excellent!

For that reason, I would look to reframe the poem around these lines and go out on these words/re-jig the poem to finish with these lines.

Sometimes a high standard becomes its own headache.

All subjective of course - anyway I enjoyed reading.

One minor thing - in the last line of the penultimate stanza, the fourth word "you" needs to be removed...looks like it just got left behind in an edit.

Best of

Chris

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