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jeremy young

Thu 21st May 2015 10:20

thank you travis - suggestion noted and change made

it's one of the problems when you get caught between two horses - free verse that begins as a sort of villanelle, half way through wants to be a sonnet - and then decides to be neither - words hang around

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Rose Casserley

Thu 21st May 2015 10:04

Hi Gra(ha ha)am.Sorry I forgot the inclusion of bollocks and bogies.

There again,being a Lady of refinement (yeah right!)

Th-ha-ha-nks.

Rose.x

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Graham Sherwood

Thu 21st May 2015 09:56

In the interests of accuracy Rose I feel obliged to point out that you omitted ball scratching and nose picking from the before he stood up section. Just saying.......

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Thu 21st May 2015 09:44

May God give me strength! - a pointed pen against self-important academia - and a travesty of Aristotelian intent.

I almost want to puke.

Go Simon!

Comment is about 'Self-schooled poet' Simon Armitage bids to become Oxford professor of poetry (article)

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Rose Casserley

Thu 21st May 2015 09:43

Hi guys. Colin,thanks.Suggestions taken on board.

As to the man mauling,since there is enough of it on WOL to carpet a lot more than one mansion,maybe I 'll give you blokes a few days off!.....;o)

Last verse stays.I want to give the impression of PHEW!


M.C. Thanks for your positive views on life as a senior.Hope I can deal with it in the same way,if and when I get to your age.I 'salute' you!

Thanks also for typo spotting.


Cheers chaps!

Rose.x

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Rose Casserley

Thu 21st May 2015 09:34

oo-er! hints of 'The Raven' Keep rocking P.S.(and S.W. of course..;o)...! )


Thank you.

Rose.x

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Rose Casserley

Thu 21st May 2015 09:32

how about 'a dented can of who-knows-what is on the label?

Fantaz nevertheless.

Thank you.

Rose.x

Comment is about Unemployed (blog)

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Rose Casserley

Thu 21st May 2015 09:28

Hi Michelle.This is stunning.Maybe leave 'its' out (between 'familiar' and 'edges')..?

Thank you.

Rose.x

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Travis Brow

Thu 21st May 2015 07:08

Bloody hell this is tense. One suggestion - ''as I gasp for the air or be drowned'' - Could the line not simply end in ''drown''? That said, i realise it's part of a refrain.

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Travis Brow

Thu 21st May 2015 06:57

Nice poem James; succinct. Interesting that, though written by you, it seems to concern a female dreamer, unless i've misunderstood something.

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Preeti Sinha

Thu 21st May 2015 05:46

Brilliant

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Preeti Sinha

Thu 21st May 2015 05:40

Agree with Lea. Clean lines, lovely.

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James Roper

Thu 21st May 2015 01:11

I enjoyed this. The disjointedness does not take away from the imagery. Another interesting thing is it reminds me of one of those word association tests.

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Michelle

Wed 20th May 2015 23:01

don't stop writing before writing tries to stop you. you got it bro. push through the pain and keep on bleedin. Daran Tomas...

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Tommy Carroll

Wed 20th May 2015 19:23

Work in progress, snap

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Colin Hill

Wed 20th May 2015 18:47

Tight simple poems are often the best.

I must admit though, I wanted to read it as

Display happiness with
A. smiley face
B. slightly abuse
Or C. amuse with
A. winky face

Don't know why :)
x

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Natalie Audoire

Wed 20th May 2015 18:35

Love the movement and the juxtaposition between the expanse and the silly (implied little) thoughts. But your comment itself sounds like a poem:

"I love cold rain. I used to lie on our hot summer lawn, like a weed in the grass, and feel the rain pelting me from head to foot. Neighbours would peep through their curtains - thinking I was probably mad. But I didn't care."

Then again much of what you say does. For me, the poem is done. It captures the moment. Beautiful simplicity. X



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Natalie Audoire

Wed 20th May 2015 18:26

Crude but cool! I like it! Cynthia your comment did make me laugh! X

Comment is about Whats Better? (blog)

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M.C. Newberry

Wed 20th May 2015 16:38

The view of Sir Geoffrey Hill about accessibility and
supermarket shelves etc. is an arrogance that offends
common sense and human interaction. If you seek to
produce puzzles that challenge understanding, using a
great art as some sort of mental hoop-la, you are merely
playing games. It regrettable but it's unlikely that much
contemporary poetry will stand the unforgiving test of time. It needs affection and relevance to make it
worth the effort.
Gray's "Elegy Written In A Country Churchyard" will
continue to resonate with each generation simply
because it connects with human experience on so
many levels. Sir Geoffrey's views remind me of the
following:
The intellectual seeks; the wise man has found.

Comment is about 'Self-schooled poet' Simon Armitage bids to become Oxford professor of poetry (article)

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Graham Sherwood

Wed 20th May 2015 15:57

Sorry Cynthia. Re-looking my comments do sound terse, not meant, nor irritated. I always read your work.

Comment is about Moon Storm (blog)

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M.C. Newberry

Wed 20th May 2015 15:56

Hello Rose - I enjoyed...no, maybe more accurately...I
identified with the content in my 72nd year - albeit that
I have a more modern TV and no photo of a wife. :-)
No mention though of finding one's way to a computer
and a wider world in which to participate in acquiring
more knowledge day by day. Or the car outside that can
take me to places I might wish to visit.
By the way, I read recently (and saw an excellent TV
documentary) about Britain's "greatest ever pilot" who
- age 95 - decided to buy himself a new sports car.
It's not all on the downside, you know.
Finally, my service in uniform reminds me that the word
is "ablutions" and not as shown.
Be lucky...and young at heart.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Wed 20th May 2015 15:12

Very clever in idea and presentation.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Wed 20th May 2015 14:56

I do appreciate these comments.

I love cold rain. I used to lie on our hot summer lawn, like a weed in the grass, and feel the rain pelting me
from head to foot. Neighbours would peep through their curtains - thinking I was probably mad. But I didn't care.

Great pun, Hilary.

Freda, the poem is as it is. If it piques any wish for further detail, I think its purpose is already accomplished. How could I desire more?

Graham, I've alliterated you to irritation? Call some of it internal assonance - just musical sound - which may actually evolve natural and emotional imagery. A poem like this works best when spoken aloud.

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Graham Sherwood

Wed 20th May 2015 13:18

Be careful what you wish for!

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David Moore

Wed 20th May 2015 11:06

Hi Ray,

Thank you for your comment on my peice 'Leg on the Volleyball Court'

The event at the time seemed perfectly normal, as my sense of normality had adapted to my then life.

As you note, it is only when that normality shifts, reflecting upon it reveals the surreal nature of it.

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Laura Taylor

Wed 20th May 2015 10:54

Morning Helen

Yeh, thought it might be your mum. The best poems are often the hardest to reach, inside of you, because of the pain. It's a beautiful piece.

Re performance - absolutely. One of my favourite poets ever, Steve Smith (who is on here) often performs his sonnets. I wish I could write like you and him but I can't. But yep they can be performed. They won't come out like a big-arsed 'performance' poem and you won't be fannying around on the stage, but they can sound haunting and beautiful. Try reading it out loud in as many different ways as you can muster. Find one that you like. Do it :) And good luck :)

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Corr Lens

Wed 20th May 2015 08:28

Makes me miss the rain, lucky I still have my silly thoughts.

Comment is about Moon Storm (blog)

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Corr Lens

Wed 20th May 2015 08:06

@cynthia this poem was just a plea for toilet cleaning suggestions lol

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Travis Brow

Wed 20th May 2015 07:07

A storm in a thimble, never mind a tea cup.

Comment is about 'Self-schooled poet' Simon Armitage bids to become Oxford professor of poetry (article)

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Travis Brow

Wed 20th May 2015 06:59

Jeremy, if I've interpreted this correctly, the title refers to what remains of the footballer's once glorious life? If so, it has a further resonance, for me at least, in that when I played for the school team as a kid, we played against Hollywood Park on a cinder pitch; and god help you if you went down on it.

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Travis Brow

Wed 20th May 2015 06:45

Why an 'honorary woman' Harry? Why not simply a 'lone (working) father'? It scans beautifully by the way.

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Travis Brow

Wed 20th May 2015 06:42

This is excellent Harry; particularly the second verse.

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Colin Hill

Wed 20th May 2015 06:20

Some good images here Rose. Especially like the TV section and 'his deceased wife vibrating towards the edge'. Not sure about the last 3 lines though. I would like to know how his day drags out before he has to go through it all again.

As with 'When the sun logs on' (for me) your best work is when you're being observational rather than man-bashing. There's enough of the latter around to carpet a mansion. But then I would say that, I'm a bloke (no doubt someone will respond to this in terse verse). x

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Dave Morgan

Wed 20th May 2015 01:44

Hope you got back safely Judy, now that Bolton has been virtually cut off from the rest of the world, or at least Manchester, in the evening. One day we will have a splendid electrified inter-city service that probably won't even bother to stop here.
Mr Hegley was imperious; I don't know what it means, but he was it! "An old pro". Sounds damning but it's meant to be the highest accolade in a world of wannabees. A man who takes his mission seriously. Without being too serious.
It was a lovely evening (and afternoon), both stimulating and relaxing. John Hegley is as fresh and inventive as he was thirty years ago, While the venue wasn't bursting at the seams, book sales were solid, attention was riveted, and involvement only slightly modified by the Boltonian's innate shyness.
Thanks to all who came to the workshop and performance, and to JH for not only getting the audience involved in his set but in involving himself in our festival and its supporters. It's not often the Hen and Chickens can boast the presence of an internationally acclaimed author, poet and performer in its midst.

Comment is about Camels, guillemots - and a singalong that almost made John Hegley smile (article)

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Henrietta Atsupi Gborgblorbu

Tue 19th May 2015 23:25

Thank you Rose Casserley.... much love....i will try my best to keep writing

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Helen Elliott

Tue 19th May 2015 21:12

Hi Cynthia,

I wanted to thank you again for your considerate comments on 'Her Scent On Silk'. I was thrilled with your response and appreciate you taking a look.

I have edited to play with the layout and text size to see if it carries more impact.

As for sonnets, I find them quite addictive. I have only been writing for a year but I am certainly leaning towards Formal Poetry. I find it gives me more creativity, despite the restrictions.

Again, your encouraging words are appreciated.

Thank you.

Helen

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Helen Elliott

Tue 19th May 2015 20:29

Just wanted to say thanks for your comments on 'Her Scent On Silk'. It's a poem about my mother and a memory that had been locked away for many years.

Also, I am a bit addicted the formal stuff lol I don't mind a bit of free verse but unlike you, I enjoy the restrictions of formal and I find sonnets in particular a bit addictive.

Can I ask though, do you hear much formal stuff being performed?? That worries me a bit. I've only just started reading my poetry at open mic nights but have yet to read a sonnet lol.

Helen

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John Coopey

Tue 19th May 2015 20:02

Very poignant without being maudlin, Emma.
My own dad shook a six a few months ago. I think about him when I hear the song "The Living Years".

Comment is about 28 Years Later (blog)

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Robert Mann

Tue 19th May 2015 18:55

Welcome to WoL Leslie Joan. I hope you find both inspiration and a platform for your talents!

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Leslie

Tue 19th May 2015 18:25

Love this

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Shirley-Anne Kennedy

Tue 19th May 2015 18:22

Lovely review Judy, thank you.

After attending the enjoyable workshop with John in the afternoon I was sorry to have missed this. I do not recollect John smiling much during the afternoon event either. Thankfully his words do :)

Comment is about Camels, guillemots - and a singalong that almost made John Hegley smile (article)

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Anonymous

Tue 19th May 2015 16:01

Yes I did intend for it to switch. The delivery would've been understood a little better through audio. Thank you for your feedback.

Comment is about matrix (blog)

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Emma Stradling

Tue 19th May 2015 15:13

Thank you both. Brought a smile to my face.

Comment is about 28 Years Later (blog)

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Helen Elliott

Tue 19th May 2015 14:33

Emma-Jane this is beautifully expressed. I love poetry that comes from an honest, lived place. Thank you for sharing.

Comment is about 28 Years Later (blog)

Original item by Emma-Jane Stradling

Preeti Sinha

Tue 19th May 2015 14:19

This is so beautiful. Your loss is palpable without the overuse of drama or forcibly making words work for you.
Preeti

Comment is about 28 Years Later (blog)

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Graham Sherwood

Tue 19th May 2015 09:35

Normally I don't get through this type of poem before switching off. However, this has got something and some very clever phrases.

The thing that bugged me was that it seems to start off in a sort of rap style and then morphs into a narrative. Did you mean that consciously or not?

I would prefer a fully narrative style perhaps with the rap bits like...

Dope, coke, broke, choke, toke. this is my life.nothing but a joke.......

interspersed, meaningful but not overdoing the rest.

Comment is about matrix (blog)

Original item by Zachary

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Katy Megan Hughes

Mon 18th May 2015 22:46

Thank you Cynthia! Good to see you are still active on WOL. I've had time out from writing but getting back into the swing of things now, best wishes, Katy : )

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David Subacchi

Mon 18th May 2015 20:31

Thanks very much Cynthia.

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Freda Davis

Mon 18th May 2015 20:02

This feels like an interesting little sketch, Cynthia.
I wonder where you could take it?
There are a few different ideas packed in but not fully worked out perhaps, imho.
Not cold feet, please, but a second look to see how much it could grow?

Comment is about Moon Storm (blog)

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Mon 18th May 2015 19:36

really moving poem Darren(you look very much like him too!.) And how common and how destructive is that-

'wasteful divide'....... UGH! xx



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