I would still fancy you if you were only 3 ft tall
Even if your head was the size of a tennis ball
If you were paralysed from the hairline down
I’d still give you a call.
Your charisma melts away my guard
My priority is not just to make you hard
I want to embrace balls lovingly
Like Frankie Lampard.
If you were Priminister you’d still stop to check road kill
Monday 17th May 2010 9:16 pm
He thinks she’s great but she’s a cheap shot slag
Leaves my flat smelling like a tranny’s handbag
Since upgrading to a D cup she’s far from shy
Put your silicone away Love, you’ll have out my eye
This image of his perception is a total farse
She’s even rougher than SuBo’s arse
I want to be wing girl and set him up with a beauty
I miss us high fiving when he scores wi...
Sunday 14th February 2010 5:08 pm
What world do you live in where men don’t have minds?
You are blind to the fact you had a gem,
A rare find
I could slap him for being so damn kind
Coz I would have battered you down with harsh words
Shoved your pretty face in a bag of dog turds
After filling your sockets with seeds and have you balls pecked out by birds.
It’s not that you’re a slut
We’ve all played that game
Thursday 3rd December 2009 9:31 pm
First you have milk, then curds and whey
Leave a while longer…..then cheese; Hurray!
The one sure thing to make me elated
Be it sliced, cubed, crumbled or grated
Yes, when it comes to cheese I get very excited
Like when Gary Hooper scores for Scunthorpe United
I’m going to have cheese cake on my wedding day
But best of all is when the photographer will say:
‘Everyone say cheese’ and ...
Sunday 4th October 2009 10:27 pm
Co- written with Mike Anthony. (Not about each other. Mike is keen that the man in the photo is credited for the loinal yearning, execution and emotional seepage during his act of genital frotage, that fuelled his input to the poem. I however would like to thank childhood rejection from 'soul singer' Montel Jordan in Harpurhey market, for wrecking my head and making me hear, think, talk and ...
Tuesday 15th September 2009 8:32 pm
Punanis, Peckers and Poems
Written with Mike Anthony
There's no uncomfortable silence
They never think ‘shut up’
They never get moist when they talk smut
She can fart and burp
And he's never disturbed
And she doesn't frown at his vulgar words
Because hers are generally worse.
No subject taboo
Despite her attempts
Describing in detail
Her diarrhoea attack
He gets her back
Sunday 13th September 2009 6:57 pm
I want one on my face
And one down south
A dog on my back
And a hamster in my mouth
Put me on your lap
And talk filth in my ear
Whilst you cheese grate my forehead
And ram a vase up my rear
Take a soldering iron to my nipples
Sandpaper my vag
Throw me onto the end of an opened badge
I want to feel pain
There’s no time for sorrow
Sunday 19th July 2009 10:19 am
I’ve got rolls over my bra but he doesn’t care
He’s not one to talk – he has loads of back hair
Either way you shouldn’t be able to grab a person’s back
I loose some weight then he’ll back, sack and crack
I leave the toilet seat down but he does not fret
He just pisses on the ring and leaves it wet
Either way we argue over the state of the bowel
If I leave the seat up then h...
Monday 4th May 2009 8:35 pm
Lamb dressed as mutton
Turns up in heels
Purely there to fuck the Wheels
Wet at the fame, she’s on a cock hunt
I call her Thrush coz she’s an irritating Cunt
He could spit in her face, she’s still putty in his hand
Refers to him by the name of his band
No shame when she meets another bed notch
Wants to compare notes about his crotch
Sad little groupie pretends to be thick
Won’t keep it ...
Saturday 28th February 2009 9:13 am
I've never seen the lady who I'm guessing still provides the microwaved meals but I can only imagine the photo is an accurate likeness.
When I fart
Most guys think it’s a disgrace
But you thought it was funny when I shoved them in your face
You’d grade them on a scale of 1-10
And I’d argue that I deserved more
Then you’d blast one back in my direction
Trying to better my sc...
Monday 17th November 2008 10:39 pm
In a slight veer away from the feel of 'Bob's your uncle...and your lover', here's my attempt at some serious poetry.....
Wake up in the morning with Rose cheeks
Don’t want to let go, he looks so sweet
Temptation resisted cause I don’t want to lose
Could have been different if it weren’t for the booze
Cold-fronted, dismissive, I brush him aside
Mixed messages hiding wha...
Monday 3rd November 2008 10:50 pm
I paid 50 quid for an escort
It was 45 minutes of fun
But I was left feeling gutted and a bit of a mug
When it broke down on the bloody M1
I’m out of credit and it’s pissing it down
When a voice yells ‘It’s alright, don’t panic’
I turn round, oh my god, he is beautiful
And thank god – the guy’s a mechanic!
You glanced at my airbags
And lended me your jumper
I could read your mind so cle...
Sunday 26th October 2008 12:00 pm
I shall commence my blog with a taster from my play Below The Belt (out of the kindness of my heart rather than a cheap plug in desperation for a sell out you understand). Here is a monologue I have called ‘Bob’s your uncle…..and your lover’ – I hope you enjoy it….
I haven’t told my Mum
That I’ve got a new lover
Not sure she’d be that impressed
Considering he’s her brother
Thursday 22nd May 2008 10:32 pm