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Mia Darlone

Updated: Mon, 26 Aug 2013 10:35 am

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Current Sitcom commission chaser and Blogger. Bits I've dabbled with in the past: WRITING PRODUCTION HISTORY: Guest blogger d2digital and Fiction Stroker 2013 Blogger: BBC Turn Up the Talent, Media City 2011 The Decision (Stage play) 2010 The Theatre Royal, Manchester Below the Belt (Stage play) 2009 The Deaf Institute, Manchester Groupie (Lyrics) 2009 Produced by Danny Mahon Judgemental (Lyrics) 2009 Produced by Danny Mahon Below the Belt (Stage play) 2008 The Waldorf, Manchester STAND UP / PERFORMANCE POETRY / COMPERE EXPERIENCE: Rum sessions Compere 2009 & 2010 BBC radio 4 poetry slam 2009 King Gong finalist 2009 FHM Stand Up Hero (second round) 2009 Riders at Royal Exchange Theatre 2009 Edinburgh PBH Fringe 2009 The Starchasers 2009 Northern Grand Slam Finalist at Manchester Literature Festival 2008 Reverberate at Manchester Comedy Festival 2008 North West Poetry Slam winner 2008 Comedy Poetry Slam at Manchester Literature Festival 2007


Sex Addict I want one on my face And one down south A dog on my back And a hamster in my mouth Put me on your lap And talk filth in my ear Whilst you cheese grate my forehead And ram a vase up my rear Take a soldering iron to my nipples Sandpaper my Vag Throw me onto the end of an opened badge I want to feel pain There’s no time for sorrow Fuck me with a roll of carpet Like there’s no tomorrow Come in my ears Shave my head with a Bic I want to lick weed killer off your dick Blindfold me with duck tape And beat me with a spanner Film me with a length of skirting board And send it to my Nanna I won’t consider gang bangs They’re far too dull Tie me to a mobility scooter And drag me naked through Hull Whip me with a Hoover nozel And cover me in tar I draw the line at using gloss paint That’s taking things too far Pour petrol on my arse cheeks And set them on fire I could say I don’t like staple guns But I’d be a liar Curl out a turd on my foot I want to watch you strain Stuff fibreglass up my nose And I’ll come like a train Tattoo my eyelids And rip off my lips Amputate my arms And fracture my hips Pull out my spinal cord And swing it round your head You’re sleeping with the sex addict Welcome to my bed

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.

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<Deleted User> (7164)

Tue 23rd Feb 2010 18:33

Hi Mia,
thanks for commenting on my poem 'There to Here.'
and thanks for the compliment too.
However, a secret part of me would love to dare to write like you do. ;-)
I just haven't got the balls to post them let alone go on to produce and act the part. ha ha


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Andy N

Tue 29th Dec 2009 08:17

Regarding Animals in their Bags, Mia.. I'll tell you where that piece came from when I see you next, but I was a little drunk shall we say... lol

<Deleted User> (7073)

Mon 28th Dec 2009 22:11

Dear Mia, thanks for your comment on the 'Enigma of perception', you are far from thick, I have seen your work as you know ;-), it is just that I am a little crazy, it comes out sometimes in my script ;-) Yours as ever Thaumaturgically Supercharged ha ha ;-)) XX

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Chris Dawson

Tue 29th Sep 2009 23:12

Thanks for you reading and your comments - Daisy, in fact, my cat. :)
I love so much of your work, but I can't find 'Cheese' on here? - I enjoyed it very much when you read it at the Greenroom a couple of months ago.

<Deleted User> (5973)

Sun 13th Sep 2009 20:13

OOH ERR MISSUS ,carry on poetry

Pete Crompton

Tue 7th Jul 2009 22:43

I was actually only refering to one specific series of incidents, perhaps I should have made it clear that the people who dont contribute anything- YOU DO! as you write and take part. It was the spambots and just a couple of people who actually posted zero poems and made zero comments on anyones work. just one incidence, dotn worry sweetie and thanks for discussing the health and safety poem!!


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Gus Jonsson

Wed 20th May 2009 16:37

Hi Mia
Sorry I didn't know about you're ocd...

I was writing a book about my formative years and the experienes associated with ocd... back in the days when it was regarded as pure nutter behaviour... must discuss sometime.. as far as beastiality is concerned we can discuss that ...right now...!!!!!

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Mon 18th May 2009 21:45

Hi, I really liked your piece, 'Beauty and the Beastiality'. Sort but sweet and a nice delivery.

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Tomás Ó Cárthaigh

Tue 24th Feb 2009 02:56

Loved the beastiality poem!!! :-) Set me smiling for the day!!!

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sian howell

Wed 11th Feb 2009 12:12

what a clever and wonderful way with words you have ...the audio sample was simply brilliant and performed with such confidence and wit. I laughed so much. Sian

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Gus Jonsson

Sat 22nd Nov 2008 20:03

Hi Mia
Without wanting to sound sycophantic...Your performance was very special too....since Thursday night I find myself dithering with my gear stick whilst idling at lights.
I love special naughty girls!
Well done!

Pete Crompton

Sun 9th Nov 2008 20:54

Genius writing.
'liver must be punished' bloody brilliant poem
well done

<Deleted User> (4281)

Fri 31st Oct 2008 02:43

Dear Mia

Thank you for the comment 'A Genuine Friend'. Your comment is genuinely appreciated.

Have a safe and happy Halloween!!

Take care...Zuzanna

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Jennie B

Thu 9th Oct 2008 16:24

Hey lovely, looking forward to seeing you in two weeks! Yay!
Hope all's well xXxx

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Andy N

Fri 1st Aug 2008 20:47

Kissing is an interview is wonderful! I am sure I have heard you perform that and I liked it then, but on paper I like it even more

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Jeff Dawson

Fri 11th Jul 2008 23:40

Hi Mia, i just want to say congratulations on your play, I (and my friends) thought that it was excellent, very funny and true to life, only nobody likes to say cos they're too embarrassed. I'll put a comment on Darren's review which is a thoroughly deserved tribute!

For your first play (not that you would have known) it was quite excellent. I thought you stuck your neck out with this considering the content, it was (I think) a brave thing to do, well done. I think it worked because it was in poetry, and even though it was down right rude (so no problem for me understanding it!) no-one would have been offended, whens the next one!

It was great to meet you and hope to see you again soon, I'll read some of the snippets from the show again now I've had it live, so to speak! Ha, nice to chat to Tracey and Emma too. If you get chance to look at my stuff I would appreciate your opinion, best wishes Jeffarama! XX

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David Franks

Thu 26th Jun 2008 10:26

..what else rhymes with "art"?

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Steve OConnor

Tue 24th Jun 2008 11:58


Stun the world. Follow up your, what is sure to be marvellous, play with a play about the virtues of remaining chaste and being pleasant. It could end with a hymn and some morris dancing.

I'd be happy to advise on a pre-production conceptual level.

No? Alright then. Just an idea.


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Darren Whitehead

Mon 23rd Jun 2008 17:00

Hi. Stumbled across you by chance and you have a similar sense of humour to mine .... crude, down to earth and down right dirty.
Like it.

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Jennie B

Thu 19th Jun 2008 21:34

Hey! Sorry I missed Freed Up, was feeling a bit overwhelmed by work (of which I've been shirking).
I love your poems, and love the titles too :)

Are you going to reproduce 'Boner' anywhere (no pun intended!)?


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Louise Fazackerley

Fri 30th May 2008 20:12

hiya! i really really enjoyed your poems. it's nice to hear something real. and funny.

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Tomás Ó Cárthaigh

Thu 22nd May 2008 18:42

You have humour in your writing...

<Deleted User> (5646)

Sun 18th May 2008 21:58

Melon ball starter. Hmm!

Wkd blue as an aperitif.
Followed by 2 large scoops honeydew,
served up with lashings of squirty cream,
full length of a large, ripe, peeled banana.

p.s. i'll take a closer look at "Below the belt."

<Deleted User> (5646)

Sat 17th May 2008 21:27

Hi Mia, I'm new to this site and slowly but surely reading through various profiles. I think your samples are bloody hilarious. p.s. is it allowed to swear on this site?
Thanks for down to earth humour, much needed.

<Deleted User> (4722)

Sat 17th May 2008 21:10

Hello Mia me old china...gawd bless you for your keeness for Max's existence...may indeed squeeze another volume out of the old bugger yet but ten years as Max is taking its toll.. have rediscovered my first love of music again and can't do both in the limited time i have these days....meant to come and have a chat at the Northern but had to dash off to give people lifts (stair ones) your stuff...big thanks to your lovely chum who bought a book...hope to meet up at a future slam..let me know if you're gigging in if you fancy checking the other side of Max...
take care

<Deleted User> (4744)

Fri 2nd May 2008 11:36

Hiya Mia, Okay, their looking at me funny here because I have a stupid grin on my face and it's your fault. The whimsical nature of your poems sounds more like something a lad would be writting about, perhaps even funnier because your not. Give us more!

darren thomas

Wed 30th Apr 2008 15:15

Mia Darlone - is this an anagram of your name ? 'A random lie' possibly..?

darren thomas

Wed 30th Apr 2008 10:19

Once again you've made a happy man very old. No - that's not right - you know what I mean don't you?
Mia - your poetry is laugh out loud funny. When are we going to hear it performed at Wigan? Well, anywhere for that matter.
More from Mia. Brilliant.

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Steve OConnor

Wed 30th Apr 2008 08:17

Hiya Mia

In work - skiving - and decided to read your new poems...

So glad I did. You've really cheered me up... You've made an old man very happy... Erm... Can we agree that I like your poems in a manner that doesn't make me sound like a perv?

Great. Porn.

F(ine) art's sub-title (Done as a posh bird) made me laugh out loud. And The liver is evil and must be punished reads well off the page, though it'd be worthwhile thinking about putting some audio samples of your work up here - you perform it well too. Both of your poems cover an important area of poetry rarely addressed. Namely - getting pissed; being sick; bad sex and farting. Well done! I'd like to see Larkin write stuff like that - given that he's dead.

And just WHAT are you looking up at in that new photo of yours?!

No. Wait. Don't answer that.


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Philip Golding

Fri 11th Apr 2008 02:35

Hi Mia

Here is that email as promised. Let me know how you get on.

Lainey McLean <


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