Glitter in an Afro
I would still fancy you if you were only 3 ft tall
Even if your head was the size of a tennis ball
If you were paralysed from the hairline down
I’d still give you a call.
Your charisma melts away my guard
My priority is not just to make you hard
I want to embrace balls lovingly
Like Frankie Lampard.
If you were Priminister you’d still stop to check road kill
You’re like Einstein employed on a Primark till
Like Daniel Day Lewis
Being cast as an extra in The Bill.
I want to bathe forever in a river of your milk
You are of a rare and wonderful ilk
I’ll still want you when you’re as grey
As Robert Kilroy Silk.
I pinch myself, but no longer in self harm
We go at it like they do on Animal Farm
Then you cuddle me
Like bread does to chips in a chip barm.
If you were a coat I’d wear you in summer
Morph myself into a guitar if you were a strummer
And happily have a sex change
If you were a bummer.
Your presence would render Robbie Williams too nervous to sing
Cause a Butcher’s knife to wobble over a chicken wing
And make Matthew Perry feel suddenly inadequate
In the role of Chandler Bing.
If you were a Pelican I’d ride in your beak
If you turned into Susan Boyle I’d still adore your physique
If you got pelted with sunflower oil in 35 degree sun
I’d buy the world’s biggest baseball cap and shade you with its peak.
If you developed a bread addiction I’d dedicate my life to dough
And if you were scared of dry land I’d learn to row
I will cling to you forever
Like glitter in an Afro.