I want one on my face

And one down south

A dog on my back

And a hamster in my mouth

Put me on your lap

And talk filth in my ear

Whilst you cheese grate my forehead

And ram a vase up my rear

Take a soldering iron to my nipples

Sandpaper my vag

Throw me onto the end of an opened badge

I want to feel pain

There’s no time for sorrow

Fuck me with a roll of carpet

Like there’s no tomorrow

Come in my ears

Shave my head with a bic

I want to lick weed killer off your dick

Blindfold me with duck tape

And beat me with a spanner

Film me with a length of skirting board

And send it to my Nanna

I won’t consider gang bangs

They’re far too dull

Tie me to a mobility scooter

And drag me naked through Hull

Whip me with a Hoover nozel

And cover me in tar

I draw the line at using gloss paint

That’s taking things too far

Pour petrol on my arse cheeks

And set them on fire

I could say I don’t like staple guns

But I’d be a liar

Curl out a turd on my foot

I want to watch you strain

Stuff fibreglass up my nose

And I’ll come like a train

Tattoo my eyelids

And rip off my lips

Amputate my arms

And fracture my hips

Pull out my spinal cord

And swing it round your head

You’re sleeping with the sex addict

Welcome to my bed