Groupie

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Lamb dressed as mutton

Turns up in heels

Purely there to fuck the Wheels

Wet at the fame, she’s on a cock hunt

I call her Thrush coz she’s an irritating Cunt

He could spit in her face, she’s still putty in his hand

Refers to him by the name of his band

No shame when she meets another bed notch

Wants to compare notes about his crotch

Sad little groupie pretends to be thick

Won’t keep it quiet if she plays with his dick

I just don’t get it, the way you behave

Get your own fucking stage if it’s attention you crave.

◄ Bliss

Back Fat ►

Comments

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Steve OConnor

Fri 13th Mar 2009 08:44

And I just realised that your first line isn't "Mutton dressed as lamb" - but it's still too close to the original cliche, in my opinion. And it doesn't really go anywhere.

I'll shut up now.

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Steve OConnor

Fri 13th Mar 2009 08:36

Hiya you

Right. Held off on commenting on this for the first few reads for the following reasons:

1. I've a gig on the date of your play and am therefore some sort of evil cultureless bastard whose opinion isn't even worthy of contempt. (I really wanted to see it!)

2. I like this poem, but there's a few lines I'm not keen on.

It's a great angry, bilious poem - full of spite. I agree with Helen, line 5 is a blinder. However...

Your first line is a cliche. Sorry, but it is. It's an over-familiar phrase - and given that you present a much more vivid (and funny) portrait of the groupie within the rest of the poem, it's also completely unnecessary. It didn't hook me. It also doesn't fit the rhyme scheme.

May I suggest getting rid of the first line entirely and starting with...

"Groupie - turns up in heels
Purely there..."

That way you'd be launching straight into an 'a,b' rhyme scheme. It's a great rhyme scheme that convinces us of the narrator's anger. It rattles along and is dead confrontational.

Which leads me to my next point - Your last two lines address the groupie directly. What if the rest of the poem did this? Just an idea.

"putty in his hands" is also a cliche and I initially had problems with it, but groupies are cliches, aren't they? So I think we can let that one go.

Your last line needs to be punchier. It's good, but it kind of sputters to a halt. May I suggest switching it around a bit and ending on a half-rhyme? It would read...

"I just don't get it, the way you behave
If it's attention you crave, get your own fucking stage!"

Or something like that.

Anyway, what the fuck do I know?! Writing what amounts to an essay in response to your poem, and then being audacious enough to have a gig on the night of your play. In some sort of way that makes me worse than Hitler, doesn't it?

And as for the swearing... Well, there's two things I can tell you about swearing -

1. It's big.
2. It's fucking clever.

Ah, you knew I was gonna say that, didn't you?

Have a good 'un.

Steve

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Jeff Dawson

Mon 2nd Mar 2009 20:29

Great stuff Mia - to the point - just how you like it ha!!!

Thanx for comment on Aoppointment with Fear - you're the first to mention a sexual innuendo - I wouldn't expect anything else!!

Ha, I got your flyers for Below the Belt, will give out and plug it for you - if you know what I mean!! See you soon, Jeff X

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Gus Jonsson

Sun 1st Mar 2009 19:26

Hi Mia You knew I'd love this...you little minx...Yeah so I posted King Tut Just 4 you....Looking forward with baited breath to seeing you at on the 19th.... are you have an after show party ...if so ...even old men need to be loved...
well done and the best of luck
see you soon
Gus

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Chris Dawson

Sun 1st Mar 2009 07:39

Fantastic!
Cx

Helen Thomas

Sat 28th Feb 2009 16:35

I love angry poetry. Line 5 is just ace!

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Elise Lennon

Sat 28th Feb 2009 12:10

this is great! you're work is so accurately observed and delivered with amazing wit. real belly laugh stuff- it's like watching a sociological study unfold.. tragically funny- should i be laughing? yes! I'm definately going to come and see you perform x

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