The Cafe

The murmur of friendly chatter

The thuds and rattles
of heavy mugs and wayward knives on tables

The sizzle and smell of bacon

The intrusive noise of the coffee machine
ensuring everyone knows it's working hard
even if no-one else is

The dodgy teapot lids
sliding about
threatening to spill and scold

The ketchup and salad cream stand
upside down, on duty and ready to serve


Read and leave comments (1)


That was his HAND, not his head!

He can't - he won't…
… surely they're not giving him that?!

Didn't the linesman see it?

Look at him celebrating.

Cheating Argentinian GIT!

That was the chorus and the consensus.

I was 12. Not a great football fan, but gutted nonetheless.

Then came the later goal.

A glorious display of tenacity and talent.

The chorus split - some admittin...

Read and leave comments (2)

The Axe

“The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the Axe for the Axe was clever and convinced the Trees that because his handle was made of wood, he was one of them.” - Turkish Proverb.


The Axe

The trees ignored his sharpened blade
reflecting in the forest's glade
for surely he was one of them
a leader bold, a fighting gem

They voted for the axe

Admiring the wooden shaf...

Read and leave comments (3)

Modern Witching

The woods still hold their magic;
mischievously they call
Our addiction is quite tragic
it often drives us up the wall

Thrice a week we head towards
a clearing in the trees
Light a woodless fire
and enjoy the eerie breeze

We're not sure why we do it
but we don our pointy hats
and on our way, I hate to say
kidnap the neighbours' cats

Sometimes we get a black one
but a siamese wil...

Read and leave comments (1)

The Crab

No matter your patience
Or how long you wait
You can't change his motion
Or alter his gait

He'll scamper and shuttle
He'll dodge and he’ll weave
And just why he does it
You cannot conceive

Watch with some wonder
While rolling your eyes
He'll veer side to side
While you swallow your sighs

He won't get embarrassed
He won't feel ashamed
He's doing it his way
He will not be blamed

Read and leave comments (0)

Onion Limerick

Put us to good use and be wise                 

We liven up salads and pies                        

We’ll do you a favour                    

And add to the flavour                  

As a bonus, we moisten the eyes                             

Read and leave comments (0)


I cannot work out with my skull                 

How its locals do manage to cull               

But they start with four letters                  

Hack away like trend setters                      

And end up just calling it ‘Ul                       


Read and leave comments (0)

Hierarchy (etheree)

do matter;
being spotted
from far horizons
as shining examples
might be a key to success.
But every brick does play its part
and it's the base that matters the most;
the tower stands tall with strong foundations.

Read and leave comments (0)



"What's with the head-patters?"

It's not normal behaviour, I'll admit.

It all looks a little OCD - a bit paranoid, perhaps.

But there's a bit of method in our madness.

You see - there's this thing called HOFS - Hair On Fire Syndrome.  And it's a strange vicious git.

Without knowing it, some of us have hair which spontaneously combusts.  We can be walking down the road, or sat quietl...

Read and leave comments (0)


We had a plan, we had a scheme
We thought it rather prudent
It was an algorithmic dream
But alas, it went quite mutant

How could we know it wouldn’t work?
It’s not like we were warned
But when set free, it went berserk 
That naughty sum was horned

On paper it looked tame enough
A dependable safe bet
But the boffins’ gentle bit of fluff
Was to be no teacher's pet

It looked so swee...

Read and leave comments (1)


Going to and fro with the water
Is tiresome work for a man
If you spill it, you’re bang out of order
Get it wrong and you’ll carry the can

I’m supposed to be balanced and steady
Aloof, calm and not spill a drop
But I have to be willing and ready
To go back where I’ve been with a mop

I’m not one for stereotyping
By star sign or background or creed
And I find myself drying and wiping

Read and leave comments (0)


Endless uneven steps
lead the way

No handrail here
Not now
Not then

Nothing to prevent a clumsy fall
onto unforgiving stone

Only the cold wall to try to cling to
as a metal-clad warrior rushes past
desperate to do his duty

Best hide your phone;
He’s not a fan and he is not averse 
to giving the odd unsuspecting tourist 
a shove if he’s that way out

I wouldn’t chance it


Read and leave comments (0)


I’ll admit
I always liked the idea

of clever beings zooming around
in sleek swift spaceships
Somehow flying too slow to escape being spotted
but too quick to be discounted as alien

Even if they were really Earthlings
in classified military craft;
I can make space in my head to admire that

Worrying though that is
It’s kind of cool in its own way

But the latest breed of UFOs I h...

Read and leave comments (0)

The Right Tools for the Job

I'll say no to the tweezers, but thank you
It's cheating and wouldn’t be fair
I can grab all the strands by the handful
When it comes to pulling out hair

I found using a blender too lazy
A fork makes me look like a goon
No, in order to go stir crazy
I have got my own special spoon

I'm well off my kilter, unsteady
But prepared if I happen to fall
With helmet and rope at the ready

Read and leave comments (0)

Mary Had A Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb 
its fleece electrostatic 
and everywhere that Mary went
the lights became erratic.

Although that’s fun at discos
In the sticks it’s quite a pain
So they paid her $40
To stand out in the rain

I’m not sure the plan was
But I think they had a stab 
At turning Mary’s pesky pet
Into a shish kebab

If so, it just backfired 
They learnt that quickly when 
Their ...

Read and leave comments (1)

Carpe Noctem

Stop drooling in your coffin
Now’s the moment... awake your beast
Satisfy your inner passion 
Arise and go out for a feast

Ditch the shroud and put the cape on
Though that might be a tad cliché 
You’ve got to look and play the part
To enjoy a neck buffet

Brush your teeth and put your fangs in
Maybe sharpen them some more
Slick your hair and curse the mirror
Grab your keys - then out...

Read and leave comments (2)

A Northern Mockingbird

This cheery bird can sing so strong
A smart and vocal forest king
Adopts a gloomy troubled song
Bedevilled by a broken wing

With muted chirps and gasps of pain
The safest course is swallowed pride
In order to fly free again
It must heal slow and stay inside

As nature daily wends her way
Man might lend a helping hand
Nourish, cherish, fight dismay
Listen, try to understand

No crea...

Read and leave comments (0)

Groucho's Right

I've built a castle in my mind
A sturdy fort of solitude
With turrets I could hide behind
But find, alas, there is no food

Sometimes I'll drop the drawbridge down
Cross the moat and with my mates
Seek out imagined palace grounds
But picnics there have empty plates

I could hop online on a virtual tour
Of museums, buildings, pubs and streets
Of mountains, waterfalls and more
But there...

Read and leave comments (2)


I would advise, for your health's sake
Don't rush too much, apply the brake
More speed, less haste is a mistake
So treat yourself to a quick break

Don't shout and scream - you'll just get hoarse
Swearing too will show you're coarse
Don't mount a rampant hobbyhorse
There is a better way, of course

I give advice, I hope I've shown
And rhymed to make some people groan
By using the odd h...

Read and leave comments (0)


Free will is a thing of beauty
I could say that out loud, but I don’t 
I am not sure whether I choose to
Or whether I will, or I won’t 

There are options there if I want them
Some dangling worms I could bite
Some carrots and sticks, some tricks to unpick
Some say that I can’t, but I might

I’m static but find myself drifting
I’m clueless with plenty of clues
In stillness, I’m steadily...

Read and leave comments (0)

I’ll Have Your Guts For Garters

I'll have your guts for garters
I'll have your skin for sweets
I'll have your bones for batting
I'll have your teeth for treats

I'll have your hands for headphones
I'll have your feet for food
I'll have your hair for hiding
I'll have your mouth to mend my mood

I'll have your arms for artwork
I'll have your legs for lights
I'll have your toes for tall-tales
I'll have your fingers for...

Read and leave comments (0)

Correction Required

Flower power and doobies
Was a happy goal for me
I’d even dared to dream of flares
And hugging the odd tree

I’d earned my points last time round
And willed a fresh vocation
But that didn’t go to plan, alas
I got a mixed-up-incarnation 

I’m not quite sure what happened
Whether he ignored me or misheard
But when I get to see his boss
I’m going to have a word...

I mean, who was supe...

Read and leave comments (0)

A Nuanced Approach

Feel the need to stretch your legs?
Just grab your bible and kick ass
No need to warn those other folk
Take a punt with tear gas

Ready for a happy meal?
There’s no need to try too hard
If insecure is what you feel
Just send in the National Guard

Want to nip out to the shop?
Then show some basic acumen 
Stand your ground and take a breath
Then alert the Minutemen

Fancying that rou...

Read and leave comments (0)

Original Sin

Adam and Eve had a trick up their sleeve
Being there when the world was begun
It’s a little pet peeve, which brings on a slight seethe - 
They were there at the start, so they won

Some theologists say that if they had their way
They’d get rid of original sin
But our Man of God is a little bit odd
He goes into the box with a grin

He created devotion by stirring the notion
That he’s hea...

Read and leave comments (0)


I yearn for sunlight
For the full spectrum's blend
For the lightest of clouds
The purest burdenless whisps

I cherish the fresh crisp snow
Before the first step
After the first breath
And it's potential for cold mischief

I honour the value of milk
Taken from hard-worked teats
I savour the dash in tea, the splash on cereal 
And vanilla simplicity of ice cream

I hold dear the electr...

Read and leave comments (0)

Not on the Label

Covid-19, I heard him say

Does a big number on the lungs

To help to keep this thing at bay

Should we spray Dettol on our tongues?


The waiting game is such a bore

Cleaning products might be the key

At least until they find a cure…

Perhaps Harpic's the one for me?


Now Duck Deep Action, I could try

But I'm not one to splash the cash

And I suspect the dose is hi...

Read and leave comments (1)


Oh what to do, what can I say?
It's wonderous how day by day
You further add to our dismay
And tilt the truth your own sad way

Your pressers are a work of art
A bigly wheeze of air and fart
You somehow seem to think you're smart
But I'd rather have Homer, or Bart

You've even got my pen tongue tied
Blood boiling and brain half-fried
A 'personality' misapplied 
Rarely Jekyll / Mostly ...

Read and leave comments (2)

Conspiracy Theory

The apples are out to get us

They poison the air that we breathe

They might look sweet and innocent

But secretly they seethe 


The apples are keen to murder

They’ll sting you through their skin

Your hands and face will then blister

And the pain will then really begin


The apples are out to kill us

Each one is rotten to the core

They give off evil vapours


Read and leave comments (3)

The Bottom Line

As the Roman Empire dwindled
And left us on our own
Were our ancestors befuddled
As they waved them off to Rome?
Could the darkness that resulted
Have been a happier kind of caper
If those left behind had been more kind
And not hoarded toilet paper?

When William the Conqueror 
Brought his army to our shore
Poor Harold tried before he died
And who could ask a bloke for more?
Did his s...

Read and leave comments (4)

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.

Find out more Hide this message