Just thinkin' of that night,

Colors of black and crimson red,

And the 5 liters of blood and byle

That I internally shed,

 

It's a miracle that I'm alive,

Cause I should be dead,

Battling the depression sucks,

Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed,

 

Only God knows the everyday duels

With the devil I fight inside my head,

The people that I've hurt,

And the thi...

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These suicidal thoughts are like music to my ears,

 

The requiem of death which only my soul can hear.

 

Grief synchronises with a melody to heighten my fears, 

 

A harmonious tune crafted from the anguish I have suffered for years. 

 

I impatiently wait for my final outro to play,  so I can permanently disappear.

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I see it  in your eyes!
You have fallen into the trap of age
Your eyes are becoming deem
The sparkle I used to admire has faded
You've seen too much
That you have internalized it all
You let it play everytime you close your eyes
You've let the burden of vision
Fast-forward your days

Didn't we say we will stay the same?
You promised that we wouldn't get old
We would always turn misfort...

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Why is it that when I'm surrounded by the most people, 

I feel the most alone?

 

That when I think of the billions of other 

living,

breathing

humans,

I feel a pit in my stomach,

swallowing me up from the inside, 

overpowering me with all-consuming darkness. 

 

How can a single grain of sand 

feel remembered,

when it looks the same 

as billions of others?

...

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Do you have questions,
Ones that could not possibly be answered?
The assurance of peace,
Robbed.
I suppose now I must find solace in the unknown,
That perhaps ignorance could be my silver lining.
It is not.
Nightmares take shape from loose ends,
The brain defaults to fear when it must assume.
Fear circumvents my ambition,
How can I continue,
When I will never know?
My focus limited due...

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I

Goodbye 

 

The way the lightning taunts me

makes me cower in my home

folded paper walls surround

as the rain falls on and on

 

Here I'm warm

with comforts near

More than enough

so safe and dear 

 

Still, I can't evade the storm

as it pours

it pelts

it blows

into my pillow

quiet grief

spirals from within my soul

 

 

II

Tuesday E...

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What is it that drives my fear 
The way it’s Scaring me 
Is it my last breathe, with family near 
Inviting death to see 
With no other thought, than not to take
My family and their own souls of three 

I saw my life and my wife’s life 
In a kingdom of the light 
And angels wrapped their wings 
that held and gripped us tight 
With a choir that peacefully sing 
I could see my children wi...

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Close your eyes,

It's okay you won’t feel the pain anymore.

 

Close your eyes,

You can rest, no more fatigue or feeling sore.

 

Close your eyes, 

This will be quicker than waiting for a cure.

 

Close your eyes,

It's time to meet the Angel of Death to relieve you from all that you've endured.

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January fifth.
The black car is almost here.
I wait
and I remember:

Early morning, deep December.
Phone rings;
heart sinks;
today, I know, is the day.
Exit day, the expected day: the day to say goodbye.

A rush hour slow-slog through thin and sickly dawn.
Idiot-bright festive lights fail to sense the mood.
Mother in the back seat – quiet, watching, alone.

A red light river – a sto...

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