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M.C. Newberry

Wed 5th Apr 2017 18:05

I would be tempted to have the final line read...
"here but me"...to bring it full circle.

Comment is about i'm fine, not fine (blog)

Original item by Little Bit

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M.C. Newberry

Wed 5th Apr 2017 17:44

I certainly see the Chevalier connection!
When choosing the worth between gross and net,
How could this be gross - this hymn to Colette?

Comment is about Colette (blog)

Original item by Harry O`N eill

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Graham Sherwood

Wed 5th Apr 2017 15:15

Oh! that's a classy one Harry.
Gentile even.
It could have been a song. I'm imagining Maurice Chevalier!

V2 does it for me.

Great work!

Comment is about Colette (blog)

Original item by Harry O`N eill

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Paul Waring

Wed 5th Apr 2017 15:15

Thank you Col, great praise, much appreciated. And you (and AGFOAK) are absolutely right about the noodle effect.

I'm so pleased you came back for a second helping but hope you've still got..wait for it...space for dessert. Sorry, couldn't resist ­čśÇ

Paul

Comment is about Spaghettification (blog)

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keith jeffries

Wed 5th Apr 2017 15:08

Hello Samual, I have read your poem ┬┤Death┬┤and your biography. You possess immense talent, honesty and skill. At the end of your biography you write, ┬┤its in the writng┬┤. It most certainly is. In the poem ┬┤Death┬┤the line ┬┤Death whispers in my ear, come you will be safer with me┬┤. This shows an insight quite incredible for there are many who could not express this. Write more as you are already on the road to be a really good poet and writer. Thank you. Keith

Comment is about Samual Jake (poet profile)

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Wed 5th Apr 2017 12:39

A sheer pleasure to read and reread.

Comment is about 'Around the Cirrus and Nimbostratus' by Simon Widdop is Poem of the Week (article)

Original item by Greg Freeman

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Wed 5th Apr 2017 12:17

Thank you, to you all. Private notes most gratefully received, and I shall study them carefully.

Comment is about Girl in a Lake (blog)

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Raj Ferds

Wed 5th Apr 2017 12:12

Good work Tommy.
A beautifully sculptured and tastefully delivered theme.
Subtly sexual. you have also proved that "less is more".

Raj

Comment is about Sin (blog)

Original item by Tommy Carroll

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Trevor Alexander

Wed 5th Apr 2017 11:29

Great story, and a great setting. It's always hard to leave Donegal.

Comment is about Donegal Eden (blog)

Original item by Rick Gammon

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keith jeffries

Wed 5th Apr 2017 11:01

Hello Gary, Thank you for the poem ┬ĘStreet View ┬Ę. Your thoughts and observations say a good deal about your insights into everyday life. I particularly enjoyed the line ┬┤Sadness sponging through his coat like a freezing fog┬┤. Please post more and thanks again. Keith

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ken eaton-dykes

Wed 5th Apr 2017 10:26

Thankyou Cynthia

Much appreciated

Ken

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Graham Sherwood

Wed 5th Apr 2017 10:06

And all it took was a pint! I'll keep a couple of bottles handy Jan Oskar in case this one on my desktop starts getting big ideas.

Great subject matter, especially as The Guardian is in the news today with a possible move to Salford on the cards!

Good work!

Comment is about when robots ruled and the guardian went into liquidation (blog)

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Wolfgar Miere

Wed 5th Apr 2017 08:42

Thanks elP,

the arrogance of men still exists, and some believe themselves to be the centre of the universe.

Fortunately fewer are burned at the stake these days, though those that are, are still persecuted and murdered by religious zealots.

David

Comment is about How small (blog)

Original item by Wolfgar

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Wolfgar Miere

Wed 5th Apr 2017 08:30

Thanks Frances,

it does seem that almost without intention we often place ourselves in the landscapes of what we read, and as you suggest it is most likely we would do that in terms of our own identity.

I suppose that is a fine lesson for aspiring writers, to ponder the various ways in which their ideas might and can be interpreted.

Thanks again,

David.

Comment is about Songbirds (blog)

Original item by Wolfgar

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Honey

Wed 5th Apr 2017 07:50

Well written! You are quite right, springtime is better than "spoiling summer".

Comment is about March to May (blog)

Original item by Graham Sherwood

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Colin Hill

Wed 5th Apr 2017 07:18

I can definitely relate to this LB and agree wholeheartedly with Andy's 'fine' comment.

Your poetry is always well presented on the page which I like a great deal especially this 3,3,4,3,3 line structure.

Thanks for posting.
Colin

Comment is about i'm fine, not fine (blog)

Original item by Little Bit

Travis Brow

Wed 5th Apr 2017 06:31

Fine is such a misused word. I say it all the time when asked how i am, often to deflect further questioning. I get the feeling that's how you're using it here.

There are several words i think you could drop to make the poem even more terse.

Hope all's well with you and yours.

Keep 'em coming.

Comment is about i'm fine, not fine (blog)

Original item by Little Bit

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Frances Macaulay Forde

Wed 5th Apr 2017 04:19

I very much like the idea, the descriptions and ethereal mood. But I it still needs a little work to clarify those images and the intent of the writer.
Please remember this short critique is offered with the best of intentions. So:
Personally, I find the use of 'bold' typeface intimidating, which distracts from the (I believe) intended mood, also the long lines which seem to break quite naturally (mostly in the middle) into two.
My suggestions for you to consider, or not:
The first three words 'over somnolent eyes' seems superfluous, I think the poem starts with 'The full moon...'
Likewise 'swan path', 'where' etc.
If you like, I'm very happy to send an edited version privately.
­čśâ

Comment is about Girl in a Lake (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

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Frances Macaulay Forde

Wed 5th Apr 2017 02:38

Thank you for the explanation, David, it is so much clearer now and more enjoyable.

I suppose, being female, I automatically presumed the wife was the one dying... the husband placing the birdhouse as a gift for her.

Personally, the sentimentality works very well, so more please.

Comment is about Songbirds (blog)

Original item by Wolfgar

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Frances Macaulay Forde

Wed 5th Apr 2017 00:32

Thank you too, Ray.

So pleased you understood my strange vision.

Comment is about The Bar of Grief (blog)

Original item by Frances Macaulay Forde

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Frances Macaulay Forde

Wed 5th Apr 2017 00:32

David: I started with imagining a little boy, playing inside an old upright (70's style) drinks bar, thrown on a dump - really a box with corrugated iron on the front rotting away.

Then I imagined an old man (no-one I know) the worse for drink dying in it, as a coffin, slowly rotting and being consumed by earth's cleaners.

So. yes, you are absolutely correct and I have been called worse.

Frances.

Comment is about The Bar of Grief (blog)

Original item by Frances Macaulay Forde

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Frances Macaulay Forde

Wed 5th Apr 2017 00:31

Cynthia: Again, you've seen through my layers, thank you for the wonderful compliment.

However the poem is interpreted by the reader, is the correct way.

­čśâ

Comment is about The Bar of Grief (blog)

Original item by Frances Macaulay Forde

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Trevor Alexander

Tue 4th Apr 2017 23:51

Yes, I might remove the 'cup'. It's sort of an orphan from the previous version which is also on this site (link below). Like many of my poems, it's never 'finished'. I return from time to time and tinker with them. And I guess my mood at the time has an effect on that.

https://www.writeoutloud.net/public/blogentry.php?blogentryid=64613

Thanks for reading, and for your input.

Comment is about Cold Coffee (Reworked) (blog)

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Trevor Alexander

Tue 4th Apr 2017 23:45

I really like this, but find it quite difficult to define why. It is quite sensuous, with (for me) hints of an almost 'stream of consciousness' feel to it, and yet some wonderful imagery within it.

Thanks for sharing this.

Comment is about Girl in a Lake (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

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Paul Waring

Tue 4th Apr 2017 23:05

Thanks so much Col, I am incredibly flattered by your kind praise. The obvious answer to your comment about doctors absorbing stuff without being too affected is training and access to appropriate peer supervision.

C­čśÇL, I warmly welcome you back after your sojourn. I'm sure it's not just me who has you missed you.

Paul

Comment is about Days Like This (blog)

Original item by Paul Waring

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elPintor

Tue 4th Apr 2017 22:36

Alright. Maybe I should explain something before the men in white coats show up at my door with a stretcher...

Some years ago, I spent more time than I care to tell picking apart the Windows OS, finding security holes. Out of curiosity, I read white papers and just about anything on the internet I could find about computer security and ended up, eventually, going back to school to get a Computer Science degree.

Anyway, in case you haven't guessed thus far, this is supposed to be about any of the myriad ways your privacy can be invaded via this complicated little piece of machinery, and how it can feel about as dirty as having your home pilfered by a stranger.

Maybe I should stop there before I begin to air anymore of my delightful fantasies about how best to put a snoop out of commission...

Thanks to each of you for braving a comment. I had a little fun writing this and hope it was a little fun to read.

elP

Comment is about operation black sight (blog)

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Graham Sherwood

Tue 4th Apr 2017 21:40

Really like this Nat! Perfectly balanced, brief and understandably chaotic as dreams usually are.

Good work

Comment is about Recurring Nightmare (blog)

Original item by Natfastic

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Colin Hill

Tue 4th Apr 2017 20:54

everything's pretty much been said so I will just add 'excellent' - feels like there has been a great mental storing up of case notes over the years and now you have found a meaningful way to express some of those thoughts through very good and intelligent poetry.

I often wonder how doctors are able to absorb so much without being so affected. It doesn't work that way with me. I absorb and absorb and absorb and that's not always a good thing. Cheers Paul.

Col

Comment is about Days Like This (blog)

Original item by Paul Waring

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Colin Hill

Tue 4th Apr 2017 20:43

I loved this when I first read it and had to come back for another helping. According to the Almighty Google Font of All Knowledge 'spaghettification' is sometimes referred to as the noodle effect. Add to that Suki's 'respaghettify' and what more could we ask for? Terrific. Col.

Comment is about Spaghettification (blog)

Original item by Paul Waring

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Paul Waring

Tue 4th Apr 2017 20:39

Thank you Cynthia and David for your kind words, I am so grateful to you both.

Cynthia, I feel very encouraged by your praise.

David, I do hope I managed to capture something about those 'worst of all days' you mention, the days that every one of us has faced, or will face, in our lives.

Paul

Comment is about Days Like This (blog)

Original item by Paul Waring

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Colin Hill

Tue 4th Apr 2017 20:27

nothing like stumbling into an old black and white subtitled film - something I used to enjoy in my bedsit days but never seem to do nowadays - I'd most probs fall asleep anyways.

I'm with CBT on the final seven. The middle bit reminded me of the Robinson Crusoe TV show shown in the 60's and dubbed into English. I'll crawl back into my cave now.

Always enjoy your poems Nat.

Col

Comment is about Palm Trees in the Snow (blog)

Original item by Natfastic

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Paul Waring

Tue 4th Apr 2017 20:22

Wonderfully atmospheric Stu, and you've got me intrigued.

Paul

Comment is about to sea at last (blog)

Original item by Stuart Buck

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Colin Hill

Tue 4th Apr 2017 20:17

I've been driving up and down motorways all day and my mind is befuddled. I'm still not sure I fully understand this poem but I wanted to stop by and revisit it again because it is definitely a worthy winner of POTW.

I have my own grasp on it and I very much like what I am grasping at. Whether or not it is fully correct is perhaps immaterial when a piece of writing inspires readers in varied ways. It's the kind of poem that makes one want to jump back in and swim around in. Well done Simon.

Colin

Comment is about 'Around the Cirrus and Nimbostratus' by Simon Widdop is Poem of the Week (article)

Original item by Greg Freeman

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Colin Hill

Tue 4th Apr 2017 20:02

I was reminded of Elvis Costello's 'Watching the Detectives' - link below with lyrics. Your last line had me thinking of his: 'it only took my little fingers to blow you away'.

Both stories have a threatening feel and heady atmosphere and although not that similar in theme and content it is where my mind wandered. Perhaps a touch of the Gothic in yours Cynthia which I very much like. Good to hear that song again too. All the best, Colin.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xO_sDtI2bYk

Comment is about Girl in a Lake (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

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Paul Waring

Tue 4th Apr 2017 20:00

Oh Ray, you play-on-wordster, you. I love the cleverness of night errors / night terrors. And I really like the bonkersness of this very much.

And aythangyow,

Paul

Comment is about NIGHT ERRORS (blog)

Original item by ray pool

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Tommy Carroll

Tue 4th Apr 2017 19:58

Cynthia re "Sin" the grating is in the mind of the beholder.


Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)

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raypool

Tue 4th Apr 2017 19:20

Decay, delay, gradual dereliction of all kinds leaving marks and scars on abandoned places. Very keen observation and an atmosphere created.

Ray

Comment is about The Bar of Grief (blog)

Original item by Frances Macaulay Forde

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raypool

Tue 4th Apr 2017 19:15

A profusion of illusion all a dream, is she a mermaid or not what she may seem? I find the sensuality of it very appealing and dare I say stimulating? It feels like an invasion of innocence by the "black mass". Not sure what that line represents but it seems pivotal to the poem!

Persuasive stuff Cynthia.

Comment is about Girl in a Lake (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

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raypool

Tue 4th Apr 2017 19:09

Enchanting Stu, and I like the use of Oh, open and over to give a sort of open - mouthed sense of wonder to the piece.
Highly effective. I wasn't sure if glass-like wings represents sails or not. Excellent stuff.

Ray

Comment is about to sea at last (blog)

Original item by Stuart Buck

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Wolfgar Miere

Tue 4th Apr 2017 18:03

Hi elP,

Seems like creeping paranoia verging into schizophrenia.

Whatever it is, it is dark and foreboding, with menace. You should kill it.

David x.

Comment is about operation black sight (blog)

Original item by elPintor

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Wolfgar Miere

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:57

Some great word coupling here Paul, and images.

The use of "dust drifting down" conveys the sense of an aftermath of something emotionally destructive.

It's true, days like these are not spoken of between many people, maybe because they really are the worst of all days, or at least feel like it.

All the best,

David.

Comment is about Days Like This (blog)

Original item by Paul Waring

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:52

Delightful, truthful and engagingly put.

Comment is about GREAT GRAND KIDS (blog)

Original item by ken eaton-dykes

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Paul Waring

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:51

Hi elP, real menace here, with revenge hanging heavy in the air....I really like 'pull the plug from his circuit box' -
could be the fate of a dalek (cue David...exterminate!).

Paul

Comment is about operation black sight (blog)

Original item by elPintor

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Wolfgar Miere

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:49

This seems like finding solace upon the sea, as much as solace from the sun. Sleeping on the cool deck picking out the constellations hung overhead.

I know you love the sea Stu, I'm surprised you didn't sneak in some spice references somehow.

As always with your work you don't waste any canvas.

David.

Comment is about to sea at last (blog)

Original item by Stuart Buck

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:44

A very fine read, Ian, well thought, and well-crafted.

Would you consider, given the density and intensity of the subject, bringing some lines into closer association? I found it hard to keep a straight line of intent as I was constantly sliding downhill, so to speak. I realize it would look a bit 'prosy' but that's not a sin after all. Just a thought.

Comment is about This Book Is Bound In Leather And Writ In Blood (blog)

Original item by Ian Whiteley

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Wolfgar Miere

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:41

Hello FMF, I hope its OK for me to abbreviate such an enviable diverse name.

Flippantly, this sounds like my local.

Seriously, I see a parrallel drawn here between the slow rot of the bar and the decline of some of those who maybe partook too indulgently in its offerings. The second verse seems to express that disdain more vividly.

It's a subtle and delicate offering, in my interpretation.

The thoughts could be those of a person who had unfortunately witnessed such a terrible decline.

David.

Comment is about The Bar of Grief (blog)

Original item by Frances Macaulay Forde

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:37

Great piece,Tommy, beautifully crafted. It's my problem that 'sin' and 'sexuality' grate needlessly against each other.

Comment is about Sin (blog)

Original item by Tommy Carroll

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:32

I find many layers of possible ideas in this.

Surely 'The Bar of Grief' must provide a hint of practical intent. Or it's all metaphorical, and I've missed it, or don't want it.

But the command of poetry craft is very fine.

Comment is about The Bar of Grief (blog)

Original item by Frances Macaulay Forde

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Wolfgar Miere

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:29

Ray,

you fell asleep in front of the TV again, or were you transported by 1000 Monkeys?

The last line is just lifted from the weather report isn't it.

Whichever it was, nice one.

David.

Comment is about NIGHT ERRORS (blog)

Original item by ray pool

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 4th Apr 2017 17:22

Really catches the spirit of despair with fine imagery. The mood is pervasive, superbly ending with 'watching dust'.

Comment is about Days Like This (blog)

Original item by Paul Waring

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