Great poem.
I love the opening lines of that second verse, and the last verse is killer. This would perform really well. The structure, kind of staccato, parallels the fitting, knits the two together.
Comment is about Craiglockhart (Not Yet Diagnosed Nervous) (blog)
Original item by Ian Whiteley
Love it. Great idea, very well executed. A snippet, a moment, a thought inside her head. Very Mrs Dalloway ;)
Comment is about Letters and Chops (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Cheers for reading Daniel - glad you enjoyed it :)
Comment is about 23:4 re-drawn (blog)
Original item by Laura Taylor
Travis Brow
Thu 3rd Jul 2014 06:21
Thank you both for your comments. I admit that often, i'll leave a word on the end of one line that should, by rights, start the following line - i do this merely because i like a poem's lines to appear roughly equal in length; it's an aesthetic urge which isn't strictly in keeping with literary standards, but no-one's going to shoot me for it.
I am grateful for all your comments though - they certainly help to focus the mind.
Comment is about THE SMALL HOURS (re-post). (blog)
Cheers,
Thanks Harry! Yes, my poetry is not always finely tuned or graft to a specific thought, but it is how it comes out of me and I only wish I had the time to edit it. Which is why I usually just create a second version of it >.<
Yes, the spoken word stuff I do into my phone wherever I find myself, either in my kitchen / office or out on the streets or in a bus.
It is my great hope that the works I create inspire something in others, even if it is just a question about me or a simple smile.
I need to do more live gigs! haha, maybe I'll finally get picked up by something or other and get 'noticed...' Oh well, I must always continue writing, for it is not up to me whether or not what I write and post gets read only that I continue doing so until I am blank and dead.
Cheers once again,
JUTON!
hehe
Comment is about Harry O`N eill (poet profile)
Original item by Harry O`N eill
Kenneth Eaton-Dykes
Wed 2nd Jul 2014 23:21
Hi Harry.
I was just adding a few more(rhyming this time)
Chinese whispers
Comment is about Harry O`N eill (poet profile)
Original item by Harry O`N eill
Hello Candice
Welcome to Write Out Loud.
I hope you enjoy the site. We're really looking forward to reading some of your work and I know that you will be warmly welcomed by other WOL-ers too.
Thanks for already uploading a picture of yourself.
Have a good browse around, there’s lots going on and if you have the time to make some comments about the work of other poets please feel free. It’s the best way to get some constructive feedback about your own work too.
There’s always someone who’ll help you out with a problem, so just ask and someone will get back to you. It’s a friendly place, so welcome once again.
Graham Sherwood
Comment is about Candice Reineke (poet profile)
Original item by Candice Reineke
Hello Dominique
Welcome to Write Out Loud.
I hope you enjoy the site. We're really looking forward to reading some of your work and I know that you will be warmly welcomed by other WOL-ers too.
Thanks for already uploading a picture of yourself.
Have a good browse around, there’s lots going on and if you have the time to make some comments about the work of other poets please feel free. It’s the best way to get some constructive feedback about your own work too.
There’s always someone who’ll help you out with a problem, so just ask and someone will get back to you. It’s a friendly place, so welcome once again.
Graham Sherwood
Comment is about Dominique Smith-Bryant (poet profile)
Original item by Dominique Smith-Bryant
Hello Edwin
Welcome to Write Out Loud.
I hope you enjoy the site. We're really looking forward to reading some of your work and I know that you will be warmly welcomed by other WOL-ers too.
If you haven’t already added a picture to your profile please try and do so. It’s good to see what our fellow poets look like.
Have a good browse around, there’s lots going on and if you have the time to make some comments about the work of other poets please feel free. It’s the best way to get some constructive feedback about your own work too.
There’s always someone who’ll help you out with a problem, so just ask and someone will get back to you. It’s a friendly place, so welcome once again.
Graham Sherwood
Comment is about edwin wachira kuria (poet profile)
Original item by edwin wachira kuria
Hello Jamie
Welcome to Write Out Loud.
I hope you enjoy the site. We're really looking forward to reading some of your work and I know that you will be warmly welcomed by other WOL-ers too.
If you haven’t already added a picture to your profile please try and do so. It’s good to see what our fellow poets look like.
Have a good browse around, there’s lots going on and if you have the time to make some comments about the work of other poets please feel free. It’s the best way to get some constructive feedback about your own work too.
There’s always someone who’ll help you out with a problem, so just ask and someone will get back to you. It’s a friendly place, so welcome once again.
Graham Sherwood
Comment is about Jamie Matley (poet profile)
Original item by Jamie Matley
JUTON,
I`ve been listening to your audio, (just after blogging elsewhere about the power of voice.
I must confess find your poetry a bit pick and mix,...But what a voice!
I know that there`s echo chamber and some sound effects in there...but, Man! you should be an actor!
Comment is about Juton, Villain of Truth (poet profile)
Original item by Juton, Villain of Truth
Travis,
I `messed` with the lines 9,10,11,12:
If I`m lucky by the time
Sheets are cold a stubborn rhyme,
Nestling in a a simple scheme,
Will make those sleepless hours seem
Thinking that it would help Cynthia`s `clippity
clop`...It doesn`t. Your slightly strange way
of end-lining the `the` and `and` works better.
Comment is about THE SMALL HOURS (re-post). (blog)
I was smiling from start to finish. Well done :)
Comment is about SMELLY BOGS AND DIAMOND DOGS (blog)
Original item by Daniel Dwyran
o.0 Not at all what I was expecting! lol
Love the way you set the scene at the beginning of this.
Comment is about Lunch with A Banker (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
So much told in so few words! Leaves the reader hanging and wanting more.
Comment is about Letters and Chops (blog)
Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas
Thank you Daniel - you have made my day :)
Comment is about TODAY IN TAIJI (blog)
Original item by Shirley-Anne Kennedy
Thanks for the comment, Cynthia.
I simply wrote the poem as I felt it. Hope that makes sense :)
Comment is about TODAY IN TAIJI (blog)
Original item by Shirley-Anne Kennedy
Thanks Daniel, for your comment on "Family". Your poems are a lot of fun to read, and this one reminds me of a good friend of mine. "Swaps Harvey Nichols for organic pickles"...haha great line ;)
Comment is about HABITAT HIPPY (blog)
Original item by Daniel Dwyran
Ah, Adlestrop: "archaic" "archaic" "archaic"
excellent!
Comment is about Did Edward Thomas get it right? Or could 'Adlestrop' be improved? (article)
Original item by Greg Freeman
I entirely agree with MC's summing up below.
What's more, I get an anti-establishment crick in the neck whenever I come across "gatekeepers" (I believe is the phrase) being set up - be it ever so gently - to lord it over the community at large: which happens all too often with funding from the public purse, in any category of popular interest. Not that private funding guarantees bringing out the best in us...
Comment is about Poetry publisher Penned in the Margins wins £135,000 grant from Arts Council (article)
Original item by Greg Freeman
I think this raises very interesting questions about the "workshopping" of poems. Maybe the answer is to listen carefully to all the suggestions ... but listen to your own heart, too.
Comment is about Did Edward Thomas get it right? Or could 'Adlestrop' be improved? (article)
Original item by Greg Freeman
Thanks for reading Laura, and I appreciate the tip. I think that's one of the reasons why I write things down...so that others can have the chance to feel those moments too. I think I'll delete some and re-post later.
Comment is about Candice Reineke (poet profile)
Original item by Candice Reineke
Awe thanks for sharing. This reminds me of my improv theater days. Very few things more nerve-racking, nothing more thrilling :)
Comment is about Before and After (blog)
Original item by Laura Taylor
Really moved by this Shirley-Anne.
Horiffic to witness... even harder to write about.
You have certainly raised the awareness of the "Taiji Season" something that I was not aware of. Thanks for standing up and being counted and more power to your pen.
Comment is about TODAY IN TAIJI (blog)
Original item by Shirley-Anne Kennedy
This really works for me Laura.
There is a real innocence and spiritual warmth to this. Like ear-wigging a very private conversation. I hope you can sense what I mean.
Lovely.
Comment is about 23:4 re-drawn (blog)
Original item by Laura Taylor
Hi Candice - Lovely poem and isn't it just the truth.
You can choose your friends but not your family as they say. Comfort, love and tolerance... works both ways for me. I really like this.
Comment is about Family (blog)
Original item by Candice Reineke
Jeff - Thank you very much for the 'heads up' on this.
"Got a new perm
and dyed his roots
I said well look on the bright side
you’ve still got your looks"!... just brilliant!
Thanks for your very kind words and encouragement on the other matters. It is much appreciated and I promise I will be in touch. A bit of a trek but my Vespa likes that as much as I do ;) Cheers.
Comment is about Snakeskin Sid! (blog)
Original item by Jeffarama!
David - Yet another classy jazz vignette as promised, on Charlie Mingus and his manner captured magnificently.
I meant what I said about 'The Old Duke' (named after Ellington not Wellington - worth a Google search and a place for anyones jazz bucket list).
Posters on wall and ceiling, of global concerts old and gone. The spirit may just inspire you further if you have a chance to visit.
Comment is about Mingus (blog)
Original item by David Cooke
Strong subject matter, and handled with penetrating skill. I like the different versions, similar but slanting in accent. Are you also trying for Japanese brevity, that you do not make one longer, cohesive poem?
Comment is about TODAY IN TAIJI (blog)
Original item by Shirley-Anne Kennedy
I enjoyed it too. I admire the smack you give up side the head with your final ideas.
Comment is about Easy now (blog)
Original item by Twilbury Wist
Skipping along on 'lapping' and 'lilting' the idea takes over with great aplomb, and some very good rhyming, not to mention the clippity-cloppity metre kept severely 'in line'. I really enjoyed this. The last four lines are super.
Comment is about THE SMALL HOURS (re-post). (blog)
awesome all take it seriously too.
Comment is about Take This Seriously! (blog)
Original item by James Roper
I am ambivalent about "funding" from the public
purse for anything that seeks promotion for
what is in basic terms - a business proposition
that provides selective employment - like "poet
in residence" (whatever that means as far as
qualifications and necessity are concerned.)
Are we in danger of losing the perspective that
anything that is worth persuading the public to spend voluntarily is good business, whilst
that which seeks being supported financially
has not achieved that basic requisite in business? I have always funded my own poetic
enterprises, paid my way and expected no
obligation from any source to contribute to my
financial well-being. Other that a grasp of
grammar, sensibility & imagination, poetry
needs no more than a window through which Joe
Public can gaze and invest in the content on
display. This begins in school via the work
of an enlightened teaching prospectus.
I remain wary of providing financial support
for poetry when its participants cannot
persuade people to invest in the product "on
offer" because they want to. Self-publishing
has set an honourable precedent in years past:
why not still? There are ways and means of
getting poetry before the public without going
cap in hand to the public tax-funded coffers.
The Arts Council and others should remain
properly mindful of the use of public money
when the word "art" is adopted as a reason - as
if "by right".
Comment is about Poetry publisher Penned in the Margins wins £135,000 grant from Arts Council (article)
Original item by Greg Freeman
Great poem, Helene.
Strange how some locations can touch our souls and oh so wonderful :)
Comment is about Kerkyra (blog)
Lovely x
Comment is about For you (blog)
Thank you, Helene. I know it is not everyone's cup of tea and really appreciate your comment.
It is hard to watch but once I witnessed how those dolphins (& whales) get into tanks and "show business" there was a need to help raise awareness. Hopefully, this poem can help in some small way.
Comment is about TODAY IN TAIJI (blog)
Original item by Shirley-Anne Kennedy
Woo - another great write. That last line is killer. And I am totally with you!!
Comment is about Solitude Redeemed (blog)
Original item by Candice Reineke
Love the sentiment of this, and as already said, you have a distinct 'voice'. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment is about Don't Put Me in Your Box (blog)
Original item by Candice Reineke
Hi Candice
Welcome to WOL :) I hope you find as much joy here as I always have.
Many thanks for your note on 23:4 re-drawn. Appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Loving your samples above! Very distinct and original voice you have.
One tip - don't post all your poems at once. Due to the nature of how the blogs are displayed, only the most recent one will show on the main blog section, which means the others will not get the attention they deserve.
Comment is about Candice Reineke (poet profile)
Original item by Candice Reineke
Hey many thanks folks!
You nailed it Ian (shurrup with the W you!) - dark/anti-nursery rhyme is the tone I ended up going for :)
Nah - feel free to write something if it's in you! Be really interesting to see your take on it. I've walked around that very same graveyard sooo many times as a lonely kid, and would genuinely sit and 'talk' (in my head - just pretend) to the dead people.
Comment is about 23:4 re-drawn (blog)
Original item by Laura Taylor
More than welcome chuck - tis a lovely poem :)
And you can always bank on my pedantry to see you through hehe ;)
Comment is about Whenever (blog)
Original item by Ged Thompson
Ha, I like that hint of snarkiness in your poems. You pull it off nicely ;)
Comment is about The Sulk (blog)
Original item by Twilbury Wist
Helene, I'm sure they are very thankful for you, because you (like my close friends and fam) likely have learned how to help them get through lows ;)
Comment is about When You're Low (blog)
Original item by Candice Reineke
Thankyou Laura
Any positive critique from you or Isobel is well received as you two will call it how you see it.
Thanks for the spellcheck, this is an enormous weakness for me.
Thanks for being boss as well,you're a goodun! XXX
Comment is about Whenever (blog)
Original item by Ged Thompson
Thanks Helen. Yep, type 1 diabetic since age 15. Have had some close calls.
Candice
Comment is about When You're Low (blog)
Original item by Candice Reineke
thanks for your kind comments on 'war boys' Roy - I'm pleased that you liked it - it's been recorded with a musical backing as part of an album release I'm working on in tribute to WW1 - I've also blogged some of the other poems on WOL earlier in the year - and more yet to come
Ian
Comment is about Roy Chetham (poet profile)
Original item by Roy Chetham
thanks for your further constructive comments Dominic - the track's recorded now - so can't make any changes anyway - would be interested to see if you think it works once it's in the public domain so to speak
Comment is about Dominic James (poet profile)
Original item by Dominic James
Laura Taylor
Thu 3rd Jul 2014 10:07
Ah nice one Candice - good idea to remove some, to put back later.
Thanks for your note on Before and After :D The gig that inspired that was the last time I felt the fear so badly :D It actually worked cathartically haha :D Hurray! The magic of poetry :D
Comment is about Candice Reineke (poet profile)
Original item by Candice Reineke