You say you like a play on words, you say they make you laugh,
Then come on back to mine and let's get dirty in the bath.
Tuesday 14th September 2021 10:43 pm
Winter with Wendy was not very nice,
All I recall is the snow and the ice,
The evenings so bitter, the mornings so raw,
Thank God for the spring when she started to thaw.
Wednesday 18th August 2021 9:29 pm
I dreamt about you last night,
Just as you were back then,
Sitting at the edge of the bar,
Surrounded by men.
I would give everything I have,
Which admittedly isn't much,
Just for once kiss from you...
And a bit of a touch.
Thursday 15th July 2021 9:07 pm
I proposed to Polly while playing chess,
Perhaps it was rather mean;
For while she was happily saying yes,
I sneakily took her queen.
Monday 12th July 2021 10:59 am
Nervous, awkward, ill-at-ease,
Beset by cares and fears....
Mother said there'd be days like these
But not whole fucking years.
Friday 23rd April 2021 11:50 pm
As no one wants to flush a living goldfish down the loo
If yours is looking lifeless this is what you ought to do:
Inspect its body carefully to localize the head
Then hit it with a hammer to make sure it's really dead.
Saturday 3rd April 2021 11:40 pm
"Oh come and see the flowers in the garden," Molly said.
He went to look and when he did she smashed him in the head;
He fell into the waiting grave as dead as dead can be
And she quickly filled it up again and went and had her tea.
Sunday 28th March 2021 10:28 pm
"Oh Billy, my dear, are you back from the dead,
Could not even death keep you out of my bed?"
Thus Martha exclaimed when she woke to discover
Herself in the arms of her half-rotted lover.
"Yes, back from the dead," he replied with a grin,
Then clasping her tightly they started to sin.
And when they were finished he said, "By the way,
My name isn't Billy, b...
Thursday 25th March 2021 12:10 am
The penguin has been flightless
Upon which date they gathered round
To work out what to do.
"If we can't fly," the leader sobbed,
"Our futures will be grim."
"We have no choice," another said,
"We'll have to learn to swim."
Wednesday 17th March 2021 9:27 pm
I remember my eighteenth birthday
The day I became a man,
I got a Playstation from my mum and dad
And a Gameboy from my gran.
Saturday 13th March 2021 9:22 pm
I wakened to a rapping on the window pane outside,
I conjured up the courage and I cast the curtains wide,
The gruesome grin that greeted me brought forth the thought of you,
But proved to be a chimpanzee escaped from London Zoo.
Tuesday 9th March 2021 7:40 pm
I couldn't help but notice when we met the other day
You're absolutely horrible and vile in every way,
I cannot think of anyone less likeable than you,
But no one else will have me, so I guess you'll have to do.
Thursday 4th March 2021 7:08 pm
I wish I lived in Wonderland with Alice and the Hatter
And there were cakes that I could eat to stop me getting fatter,
And there were cakes that I could eat instead of exercising
To keep me young and beautiful and sexually surprising.
Sunday 21st February 2021 6:51 pm
We went on a school trip to Italy
To Venice and Florence and Rome,
We lost Mr Johnson in Sicily,
So straight away started for home.
At the airport we lost Mr Fitton,
He must have got on the wrong plane,
By the time we arrived in Great Britain
He was probably halfway to Spain.
We spent a nice morning in London
And were planning a train journey back,
But Mr Lane's laces were undone,
Wednesday 17th February 2021 8:55 pm
I woke up this morning at quarter to nine
And made myself breakfast of waffles and wine
This unhealthy mixture went straight to my head
So after six helpings I went back to bed.
Monday 15th February 2021 9:29 pm
Marie thought I was wonderful,
Romantic and quick-witted,
Oh how I wish her mum and dad
Had not had her committed.
Friday 12th February 2021 6:42 pm
Of all the made up monsters who have never walked the earth
My favourite is the minotaur, whom what's her name gave birth,
A woman driven mad by lust who when the moon was full
Went out into the woods one night and did it with a bull.
When I was young and innocent and liked to read about
The minotaur in story books they all missed that bit out,
They must have thought that ki...
Wednesday 10th February 2021 11:43 am
I have a psychic parrot
Prescilla is her name
Her so called premonitions
Have brought me wealth and fame
The people come to see her
And for a modest price
She listens to their problems
And offers them advice.
"Beware a tall dark stranger,
Romance is on its way,
You need to see a doctor,
Today's your lucky day,
Be careful what you wish for,
Sunday 7th February 2021 11:24 pm
As he one cold and frosty night sought shelter from the snow
They kicked him out the parish church and told him where to go.
"We don't want beggers here," they said, "So get the hell away."
He went and promptly froze to death before the break of day.
And now a woeful wailing wraith he walks the village ways
Attempting to instill remorse in all who meet his gaze.
But since to...
Friday 5th February 2021 11:17 pm
What's going on, what can it mean,
Is it some kind of sign?
Just now the church bells struck thirteen
And it's only half past nine.
The hour hand twitched, the minute hand twirled
The dial began to rock,
Is this the start of the end of the world...
Or is something wrong with the clock?
Tuesday 2nd February 2021 9:59 pm
I will sing of a thing called a quail
It lays eggs and has legs and a tail
It can fly in the sky without fail
In a word it's a bird is the quail.
Friday 29th January 2021 11:32 pm
Behold the duck-billed platypus
He doesn't like to cause a fuss
He likes to live a quiet life
With his duck-billed platywife
But in his youth he had his fun
And when the working day was done
He'd go to town and get his kicks
With dirty duck-billed platychicks.
Saturday 16th January 2021 7:20 pm
"Daddy, does God really love me?"
"Yes, my darling, he loves you for sure."
"Then why did he take my mummy away?"
"I don't know, perhaps he loves me more."
Thursday 7th January 2021 5:56 pm