You say you like a play on words, you say they make you laugh,

Then come on back to mine and let's get dirty in the bath.

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Winter with Wendy was not very nice,

All I recall is the snow and the ice,

The evenings so bitter, the mornings so raw,

Thank God for the spring when she started to thaw.

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I dreamt about you last night,

  Just as you were back then,

Sitting at the edge of the bar,

  Surrounded by men.

I would give everything I have,

  Which admittedly isn't much,

Just for once kiss from you...

  And a bit of a touch.

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I proposed to Polly while playing chess,

    Perhaps it was rather mean;

For while she was happily saying yes,

    I sneakily took her queen.

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Nervous, awkward, ill-at-ease,

   Beset by cares and fears....

Mother said there'd be days like these

    But not whole fucking years.

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As no one wants to flush a living goldfish down the loo

If yours is looking lifeless this is what you ought to do:

Inspect its body carefully to localize the head

Then hit it with a hammer to make sure it's really dead.

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"Oh come and see the flowers in the garden," Molly said.

He went to look and when he did she smashed him in the head;

He fell into the waiting grave as dead as dead can be

And she quickly filled it up again and went and had her tea.

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"Oh Billy, my dear, are you back from the dead,

Could not even death keep you out of my bed?"

   Thus Martha exclaimed when she woke to discover

   Herself in the arms of her half-rotted lover.

"Yes, back from the dead," he replied with a grin,

Then clasping her tightly they started to sin.

     And when they were finished he said, "By the way,

     My name isn't Billy, b...

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The penguin has been flightless

   Since 1152,

Upon which date they gathered round

   To work out what to do.

"If we can't fly," the leader sobbed,

  "Our futures will be grim."

"We have no choice," another said,

  "We'll have to learn to swim."

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I remember my eighteenth birthday

   The day I became a man,

I got a Playstation from my mum and dad

   And a Gameboy from my gran.

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I wakened to a rapping on the window pane outside,

I conjured up the courage and I cast the curtains wide,

The gruesome grin that greeted me brought forth the thought of you,

But proved to be a chimpanzee escaped from London Zoo.

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I couldn't help but notice when we met the other day

You're absolutely horrible and vile in every way,

I cannot think of anyone less likeable than you,

But no one else will have me, so I guess you'll have to do.

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I wish I lived in Wonderland with Alice and the Hatter

And there were cakes that I could eat to stop me getting fatter,

And there were cakes that I could eat instead of exercising

To keep me young and beautiful and sexually surprising.

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We went on a school trip to Italy
To Venice and Florence and Rome,
We lost Mr Johnson in Sicily,
So straight away started for home.

At the airport we lost Mr Fitton,
He must have got on the wrong plane,
By the time we arrived in Great Britain
He was probably halfway to Spain.

We spent a nice morning in London
And were planning a train journey back,
But Mr Lane's laces were undone,
A...

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I woke up this morning at quarter to nine

And made myself breakfast of waffles and wine

This unhealthy mixture went straight to my head

So after six helpings I went back to bed.

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Marie thought I was wonderful,

   Romantic and quick-witted,

Oh how I wish her mum and dad

   Had not had her committed.

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Of all the made up monsters who have never walked the earth

My favourite is the minotaur, whom what's her name gave birth,

A woman driven mad by lust who when the moon was full

Went out into the woods one night and did it with a bull.

When I was young and innocent and liked to read about

The minotaur in story books they all missed that bit out,

They must have thought that ki...

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I have a psychic parrot

  Prescilla is her name

Her so called premonitions

  Have brought me wealth and fame

The people come to see her

  And for a modest price

She listens to their problems

  And offers them advice.

"Beware a tall dark stranger,

   Romance is on its way,

You need to see a doctor,

   Today's your lucky day,

Be careful what you wish for,

...

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As he one cold and frosty night sought shelter from the snow

They kicked him out the parish church and told him where to go.

"We don't want beggers here," they said, "So get the hell away."

He went and promptly froze to death before the break of day.

And now a woeful wailing wraith he walks the village ways

Attempting to instill remorse in all who meet his gaze.

But since to...

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What's going on, what can it mean,

   Is it some kind of sign?

Just now the church bells struck thirteen

  And it's only half past nine.

The hour hand twitched, the minute hand twirled

  The dial began to rock,

Is this the start of the end of the world...

  Or is something wrong with the clock?

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I will sing of a thing called a quail

It lays eggs and has legs and a tail

It can fly in the sky without fail

In a word it's a bird is the quail.

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Behold the duck-billed platypus

He doesn't like to cause a fuss

He likes to live a quiet life

With his duck-billed platywife

But in his youth he had his fun

And when the working day was done

He'd go to town and get his kicks

With dirty duck-billed platychicks.

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"Daddy, does God really love me?"

   "Yes, my darling, he loves you for sure."

"Then why did he take my mummy away?"

   "I don't know, perhaps he loves me more."

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I once spent a year in the slammer

Because I attacked with a hammer

   A silly old fart

  Who thought it was smart

To point out mistakes in my grammar.

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