I met her one night at a nightclub

      And ended up walking her home,

She asked what I thought of her haircut

     I said it could do with a comb.

She invited me in for a coffee

      I said 'Have you got any tea?'

She told me she fancied a cuddle

      And plonked herself down on my knee.

She nuzzled my neck on the sofa

      And started caressing my thigh,

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I know what people think.

I know what they say behind my back.

I've heard the whispers and the laughter

I've seen the pitying looks they give me and the expressions of

        disgust that cross their sickened faces as I shuffle sadly by.

I know I embarrass them

I know I make them feel ill at ease

I know they'd rather I sneaked away and died in some dark,

        forgot...

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One evening in winter we walked in the snow

It seemed so romantic, but wouldn't you know,

The next day I found her confined to her bed,

With rheumatic fever and cold in the head.

A fortnight she lay on the threshold of death

Her body ablaze in the battle for breath,

And though she recovered for me it was worse

For once she was well she ran off with her nurse.

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They sent me to a specialist,

    They didn't say in what,

He told me I was positive,

    I wonder what I've got.

I hope it's nothing serious,

    I hope it's nothing bad,

I hope it's something someday I'll

    Be proud that I once had

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She went away in winter when the leaves are hung with snow,

I searched for her and searched for her as I could not let go,

And finally when I found her after fifteen years of fret,

She looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry, have we met?"

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It's funny what can trigger a daydream:

The smallest nothing is often enough

To make me forget real life and set off

On some vague journey through my favourite theme

Of how wonderful existence would be

If I had more luck. Yes, such dreams, Lord knows,

Help pass the time, but it does worry me

A little that the gap between what goes

On in my head and in reality seems

To be...

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My girlfriend walked out recently,
    She said she'd had enough,
She threw a glass of wine at me
    And stormed off in a huff.
And now she's spreading gossip of
    The hell I put her through,
And this that really makes it hurt
    Is all of it is true.

She's saying I am broken down
    And long since past my prime,
She's saying I am tedious 
    And dull before my time,
She's...

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We never walked this way together,

   We never sat down here to chat,

We never spoke of future plans,

   Of hopes and dreams and things like that.

We never caught the last bus home,

   We never shared a cigarette,

We never kissed at your front door...

   In fact we never even met.

But if we had, oh if we had,

   Who knows what things we could've done,

What lovely...

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There's a tidal wave in Tonga
   There's a blizzard in Bombay
There's a whirlwind in Wyoming
   And a lockdown in LA
There's a power cut in Paris
   There's a panic in Peru...
But what the hell do I care
   When I'm lying here with you?

There's a flood in Famagusta
    There's a famine in Milan
There's an avalanche in Aspen
     And another in Japan
There's a deluge in New Dehli
   ...

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She flew in from America

   To be with us that day,

We'd no idea who she was

   But didn't like to say.

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My shadow and I have decided to split
    We're getting in each other's way;
For several months now he's wanted to quit,
He says I'm a boring old stay-at-home git,
Without the ambition, the courage, or wit,
     To ever make anything pay.

He says when his servitude's over and done
     He's gonna live life on a whim,
He wants to make most of his time in the sun,
Meet beautiful women and...

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I married my brother's widow,

How depressing.

Aged 76

And still getting his hand-me-downs.

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McGregor was a genius
  But now alas he's dead,
Bedazzled by his brilliance
  He quickly lost his head.
He built himself a teleport
  And travelled back in time
To when the Earth was entering
  It's Mesozoic prime.

And there he saw fantastic sights
  Of pre-historic life,
But in his lust for evidence
  To take back to his wife,
He proved himself an idiot
  Like many of his sex
By p...

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I woke up this morning at quarter to nine
And made myself breakfast of waffles and wine,
This unhealthy mixture went straight to my head
So after six helpings I went back to bed.

I woke up again at a quarter to three
And after my lunch it was time for my tea
And after my tea I was feeling so ill
I spent the night crying and writing a will. 
 

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Her name was Susannah, we went to the fair,

And while on the waltzers I puked in her hair;

She cried like a baby and all I could do

Was say I was sorry and buy her shampoo.

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They bought themselves the country house

    Of which they'd always dreamed,

A Tudor manor that in time

    Proved greater than it seemed,

For six years after moving in,

    Behind a hidden door,

They found another seven rooms

    They'd never seen before.

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He practises

On cactuses

And ferrets out the failures;

Then focuses

On crocuses,

Chrysanthemums and dahlias

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If I had a pet impala

I would either call it Carla

Or Alma, after Alma Mahler.

(Unless, of course, it turned out bad,

In which case I would call it Vlad.)

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Fifty-thousand pounds in debt,

   The bailiffs on my case;

I have enough for one last bet

   And to the bookie's race.

I pray to God to let me win,

   And with a sense of dread,

I back a horse called Anne Boleyn...

   It's beaten by a head.

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At fancy dress parties I always have fun

Last Tuesday I went to one dressed as a nun,

I drank too much drink and was dreadfully drunk

And woke up on Wednesday in bed with a monk.

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My girlfriend is a clever-clogs,

   A smarty-pants, a swot,

My girlfriend is a genius,

   But I, alas, am not.

Sometimes when she comes round at night

   I dumb her down with gin,

And then we play at Scrabble and...

   I still don't fucking win.

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I took Maria to see Macbeth,
She told me after she was bored to death.

The following day we went to Othello,
I could tell her brain was turning to Jell-o.

But even so there was no respite,
I made her watch Hamlet and Twelfth Night.

It was while we were at our fifth King Lear
That I knew for certain the end was near.

It came with Henry the Sixth part two,
She upped and cried: "That...

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Two highwaymen on Hounslow Heath

   Compared their evening's lot:

"I robbed a royal," said the first,

   "And this is what I got:

A thousand pounds, a golden ring,

   An antique silver cup..."

To which the second smiled and said,

   "That's great...Now stick 'em up."

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I watched it waddling through the woods,

   A feathered freak, a frump,

As proud as in the picture books,

   All pigeon-like and plump.

Aghast at such a sight I gasped,

   "I thought you were extinct."

"Precisely as we planned, my boy,"

   The dodo said and winked.

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You say you like a play on words, you say they make you laugh,

Then come on back to mine and let's get dirty in the bath.

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Nervous, awkward, ill-at-ease,

   Beset by cares and fears....

Mother said there'd be days like these

    But not whole fucking years.

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The penguin has been flightless

   Since 1152,

Upon which date they gathered round

   To work out what to do.

"If we can't fly," the leader sobbed,

  "Our futures will be grim."

"We have no choice," another said,

  "We'll have to learn to swim."

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I remember my eighteenth birthday

   The day I became a man,

I got a Playstation from my mum and dad

   And a Gameboy from my gran.

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I couldn't help but notice when we met the other day

You're absolutely horrible and vile in every way,

I cannot think of anyone less likeable than you,

But no one else will have me, so I guess you'll have to do.

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Marie thought I was wonderful,

   Romantic and quick-witted,

Oh how I wish her mum and dad

   Had not had her committed.

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Of all the made up monsters who have never walked the earth

My favourite is the minotaur, whom what's her name gave birth,

A woman driven mad by lust who when the moon was full

Went out into the woods one night and did it with a bull.

When I was young and innocent and liked to read about

The minotaur in story books they all missed that bit out,

They must have thought that ki...

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I have a psychic parrot

  The Priestess is her name

Her so called premonitions

  Have brought me wealth and fame

The people come to see her

  And for a modest price

She listens to their problems

  And offers them advice.

"Beware a tall dark stranger,

   Romance is on its way,

You need to see a doctor,

   Today's your lucky day,

Be careful what you wish for,

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What's going on, what can it mean,

   Is it some kind of sign?

Just now the church bells struck thirteen

  And it's only half past nine.

The hour hand twitched, the minute hand twirled

  The dial began to rock,

Is this the start of the end of the world...

  Or is something wrong with the clock?

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Behold the duck-billed platypus

He doesn't like to cause a fuss

He likes to live a quiet life

With his duck-billed platywife

But in his youth he had his fun

And when the working day was done

He'd go to town and get his kicks

With dirty duck-billed platychicks.

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I once spent a year in the slammer

Because I attacked with a hammer

   A silly old fart

  Who thought it was smart

To point out mistakes in my grammar.

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This has been a terrible year

   Who knows what's coming next,

But never mind about that now,

   It's Christmas, let's have sex.

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"Is it good then?" Mrs Nobel

     Asked when it had turned out right.

"Good?" replied her husband Alfred,

    "Good? It's bloody dynamite."

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A bright and breezy boy of four

  I started life at school,

They kicked me out aged seventeen

  A lazy, worthless fool.

I never had a BMX,

  I never had a chopper,

I never had a hope in hell

  With Arabella Hopper.

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Tonight is the night I go dancing
   Down at the local dancehall,
The women in there are entrancing,
   And not too expensive at all.

It's only a tenner a tango
   A samba is only a score,
For fifty you get a fandango...
   And sometimes a little bit more.

The best looking girl is called Timi
   A sweet senorita from Spain,
My god how that woman can shimmy
   And her salsa is simply...

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An alien spaceship landed in my garden yesterday

And three green men came running out and stole my wife away,

I've armed myself with rockets and I'm ready to attack,

Should ever they get bored of her and try to bring her back.

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The monster was magnificent, with armour-plated hide,

It kept advancing down the hill, no matter what we tried,

Our guns and bombs had no efffect, it looked like we were through,

Until a child of four went up and loudly shouted BOO!

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A woman approached me today in the street

And said for a tenner she'd give me a treat,

And as I was bored and had nothing to do

I coughed up the cash and we went to the zoo.

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There's a vandalised old bus stop

  At the top of Markham Street,

And there when we were seventeen,

  Louise and I would meet;

She'd sometimes let me hold her hand

  Or kiss her on the lips,

But never more than that unless

  I bought her fish and chips.

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"There are pandas in the parlour,
   There are spiders in the sink,
There are polecats in the pantry,
   And a terrifying stink;
There are wombats in the wardrobe,
   There are penguins in the bath,
There are monkeys in the shower
   And they look at me and laugh.

"There are cheetahs in the study,
    There are dodos on the stairs,
There are rhinos on the landing
    And a pair of pol...

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My giddy aunt is getting giddier and giddier,

  Her sillyness is simply incessant;

She's constantly sniggling and wriggling and giggling,

  What I need is an auntie-depressant.

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I once went to bed with a girl from Brazil

Who said I was clumsy and lacking in skill,

But after much practice I tried her again

And second time round I got ten out of ten.

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Tessa wears crocodile shoes,

Tessa wears crocodile shirts,

Tessa wears crocodile trousers and jackets

And crocodile stockings and skirts,

Yes, you can say what you like about Tessa,

But you have to admit she's a snappy dresser.

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When a hippo meets a hippo

   Coming through the swamp,

The other creatures stand well back

   In case they start to romp.

For when they do the mud and slime

   Go flying through the air,

When a hippo meets a hippo

   You're better off elsewhere.

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The grave was overgrown with grass, it lacked a single flower,

We tended it and tidied it, it took almost an hour.

We tarried then to think of him while he was still alive,

And then we did a salsa and a samba and a jive.

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My octopus didn't come home last night,

    I don't know where he could be;

He only popped out for a packet of fags

   And some kippers for his tea.

I'm sure there's a sensible reason for it,

   Something dull and banal,

Yet even so I've been to the police,

   And asked them to drag the canal.

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