Poetry Blog by branwell kent

The dreaded time has come again, there's nothing I can do,

The dentist is expecting me at twenty-five to two;

I've never been so terrified and nervous in my life,

I hope to god he doesn't know I'm sleeping with his wife.

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On wet afternoons when there's nothing to do

I get out my scrapbook and dream about you;

On hot afternoons when I've had a few gins

I sneak in your garden and go through your bins.

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Her boss, while attempting to flirt,

Rubbed himself up the back of her skirt,

   She cried to him: "Stop it,

   Or else I will chop it

Off, which will certainly hurt."

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The windows in this chapel date to 1367,

I think they give a good idea of medieval heaven,

The Lord and all his angels standing round and looking glum,

While down in Hell the devil pokes a sinner up the bum.

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The day of my birth, I remember it well,

The terrible journey, the doctor from hell,

I burst into tears when he gives me a smack,

It's my way of saying, "I want to go back."

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I,

Condescendingly,

Asked if she knew anything about poetry;

She,

Understandably,

Threw the complete works of Tennyson at me.

Now, had she chosen Eliot,

The blow would've been far less horrific,

For though Eliot was the better poet,

Tennyson was the more prolific.

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"Why the long face?" I said to the horse,

   "You look like you're down in the dumps."

"I'm not a horse I'm a camel," she said,

   "But somebody's stolen my humps."

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Today I saw a killer shark

Playing in our local park,

Climbing up the climbing frame and sliding down the slide,

When bravely I approached with care

And asked what he was doing there,

He answered, "I'm just passing time while waiting for the tide."

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Jane Austen died a spinster at the age of forty-one

Too busy writing novels to indulge in any fun,

If I had a time machine I know what I would do,

And maybe if I did it right she'd live to eighty-two.

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An alien spaceship landed in my garden yesterday

And three green men came running out and stole my wife away,

I've armed myself with rockets and I'm ready to attack,

Should ever they get bored of her and try to bring her back.

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Dear Miss Jenkins,

I very much regret to say that on his recent stopover

at our home, Little Herbie, the class hamster, met with

an unforseen accident and unfortunately died. This was

in no way the fault of Michael and I fully accept 

all responsibility.

                   Yours sincerely,

                                       Tiddles.

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The monster was magnificent, with armour-plated hide,

It kept advancing down the hill, no matter what we tried,

Our guns and bombs had no efffect, it looked like we were through,

Until a child of four went up and loudly shouted BOO!

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She caught my eye and stole my heart

    With just a shake of her hips,

And when I asked if she wanted a drink

    She nodded and licked her lips.

But later when I found the nerve

    To speak of love and romance,

I could tell by the way she crossed her legs

     That I didn't stand a chance.

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Oh my Amy, tender hearted, oh my Amy, mild and meek,

Could you lend me fifty quid, I'll pay you back on Wednesday week?

Lend you fifty quid? Get off it. Lend you fifty quid? Yeah right.

I'd not lend you fifty pence, you lazy, worthless, drunken shite.

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My girlfriend's always gossiping about something or other,

That's why I haven't told her that I'm sleeping with her mother,

She'd only go and spread it round till everybody knew

And her father would go crazy as I'm sleeping with him too.

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A woman approached me today in the street

And said for a tenner she'd give me a treat,

And as I was bored and had nothing to do

I coughed up the cash and we went to the zoo.

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Have you got any Stephen King?

-No, we don't do horror.

Have you got any Agatha Christie?

-No, we don't do crime.

Have you got any JK Rowling?

-No, we don't do children's.

Have you got any Danielle Steele?

-No, we don't do romance.

No horror,

No crime,

No children's, 

No romance,

What do you do?

I'm a greengrocer, mate,

What do you...

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There's a vandalised old bus stop

  At the top of Markham Street,

And there when we were seventeen,

  Louise and I would meet;

She'd sometimes let me hold her hand

  Or kiss her on the lips,

But never more than that unless

  I bought her fish and chips.

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Some say Cleopatra was the most beautiful,

But I think not:

I saw a picture of Joan of Arc once,

She looked very hot.

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"There are pandas in the parlour,
   There are spiders in the sink,
There are polecats in the pantry,
   And a terrifying stink;
There are wombats in the wardrobe,
   There are penguins in the bath,
There are monkeys in the shower
   And they look at me and laugh.

"There are cheetahs in the study,
    There are dodos on the stairs,
There are rhinos on the landing
    And a pair of pol...

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Candy came from Kathmandu

Caught a cold and said achoo,

Mandy came from Mogadishu

Caught a cold and said atishoo

Achoo Achoo

Atishoo atishoo

Kathmandu

Or Mogadishu?

When you catch a cold are you

Katachoo or Mogatishoo?

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My giddy aunt is getting giddier and giddier,

  Her sillyness is simply incessant;

She's constantly sniggling and wriggling and giggling,

  What I need is an auntie-depressant.

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Today I'm going nowhere, today I'm staying in,

Today I'm going to dedicate to drinking lots of gin;

It may not make me happy, it may not make me wise,

And yet I'm going to drink it till it comes out of my eyes.

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There must be something left to say,

   Some little tale to tell,

About Miss Charlotte April May

   And how she used to smell.

From fully fifty feet away

   The stench was overpowering,

Because Miss Charlotte April May

   Had never thought of showering.

And she was only eight as well,

    A fact that made us sick,

She must've worked as hard as hell

    To...

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I once went to bed with a girl from Brazil

Who said I was clumsy and lacking in skill,

But after much practice I tried her again

And second time round I got ten out of ten.

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I found a giant oyster and inside a giant pearl,

I had it made into a brooch and gave it to my girl,

She thanked me for it kindly, but by five o' clock that day

She'd pawned it at a pawn shop and had pissed off to LA.

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Tessa wears crocodile shoes,

Tessa wears crocodile shirts,

Tessa wears crocodile trousers and jackets

And crocodile stockings and skirts,

Yes, you can say what you like about Tessa,

But you have to admit she's a snappy dresser.

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When a hippo meets a hippo

   Coming through the swamp,

The other creatures stand well back

   In case they start to romp.

For when they do the mud and slime

   Go flying through the air,

When a hippo meets a hippo

   You're better off elsewhere.

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Tonight you and I are entirely alone,

I've unplugged the telly and switched off the phone,

We're nice and secluded away from the rabble...

So what do you say to some serious Scrabble?

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The grave was overgrown with grass, it lacked a single flower,

We tended it and tidied it, it took almost an hour.

We tarried then to think of him while he was still alive,

And then we did a salsa and a samba and a jive.

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My octopus didn't come home last night,

    I don't know where he could be;

He only popped out for a packet of fags

   And some kippers for his tea.

I'm sure there's a sensible reason for it,

   Something dull and banal,

Yet even so I've been to the police,

   And asked them to drag the canal.

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Once when I was younger,

I accidentally kicked my football

Through the bathroom winder.

My mother went ballistic,

And after slapping me about a bit,

Said if I ever did it again

She'd have my guts for garters.

I thought she was exaggerating,

Using the threat of extreme force as a deterrent;

But I was wrong;

For sure enough, the next time it happened,

She ripped...

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The Earth is slowly dying and we're the ones to blame,

We curse the politicians, but we're really all the same.

We need to stop polluting, we need to do it soon,

Either that or find a way of living on the moon.

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Hello Mary,

I've brought you this dead canary.

So Cilla,

Who's your favourite serial killer?

Look Devine,

I'm wearing the knickers I stole off your washing line.

Hey Jude,

Guess where I've had your name tattooed.

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Having broken both legs when he fell down the stairs

   He crawled his way back to the top of the flight,

Then fell down again in pretend unawares,

   And as he was hoping this made them all right.

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We met in a nightclub, I bought her some whisky,

And asked if she'd like to come back to my boat.

She smiled and her answer was funny and frisky:

"All right, you can have me, I'll go get my coat."

We'd only just done when the cock started crowing,

And up jumped the woman and sadly did say:

"I love you, my dear, but I'll have to be going,

For like it or not it's my wedding...

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