Poetry Blog by branwell kent

Candy came from Kathmandu

Caught a cold and said achoo,

Mandy came from Mogadishu

Caught a cold and said atishoo

Achoo Achoo

Atishoo atishoo

Kathmandu

Or Mogadishu?

When you catch a cold are you

Katachoo or Mogatishoo?

Read and leave comments (3)

Although her name is Lotty

I call my girlfriend Spotty

My pals all think I'm dotty

But they've not seen her botty.

Read and leave comments (3)

My giddy aunt is getting giddier and giddier,

  Her sillyness is simply incessant;

She's constantly sniggling and wriggling and giggling,

  What I need is an auntie-depressant.

Read and leave comments (4)

Today I'm going nowhere, today I'm staying in,

Today I'm going to dedicate to drinking lots of gin;

It may not make me happy, it may not make me wise,

And yet I'm going to drink it till it comes out of my eyes.

Read and leave comments (5)

There must be something left to say,

   Some little tale to tell,

About Miss Charlotte April May

   And how she used to smell.

From fully fifty feet away

   The stench was overpowering,

Because Miss Charlotte April May

   Had never thought of showering.

And she was only eight as well,

    A fact that made us sick,

She must've worked as hard as hell

    To...

Read and leave comments (0)

I once went to bed with a girl from Brazil

Who said I was clumsy and lacking in skill,

But after much practice I tried her again

And second time round I got ten out of ten.

Read and leave comments (3)

I found a giant oyster and inside a giant pearl,

I had it made into a brooch and gave it to my girl,

She thanked me for it kindly, but by five o' clock that day

She'd pawned it at a pawn shop and had pissed off to LA.

Read and leave comments (3)

Tessa wears crocodile shoes,

Tessa wears crocodile shirts,

Tessa wears crocodile trousers and jackets

And crocodile stockings and skirts,

Yes, you can say what you like about Tessa,

But you have to admit she's a snappy dresser.

Read and leave comments (0)

When a hippo meets a hippo

   Coming through the swamp,

The other creatures stand well back

   In case they start to romp.

For when they do the mud and slime

   Go flying through the air,

When a hippo meets a hippo

   You're better off elsewhere.

Read and leave comments (0)

Tonight you and I are entirely alone,

I've unplugged the telly and switched off the phone,

We're nice and secluded away from the rabble...

So what do you say to some serious Scrabble?

Read and leave comments (3)

The grave was overgrown with grass, it lacked a single flower,

We tended it and tidied it, it took almost an hour.

We tarried then to think of him while he was still alive,

And then we did a salsa and a samba and a jive.

Read and leave comments (1)

My octopus didn't come home last night,

    I don't know where he could be;

He only popped out for a packet of fags

   And some kippers for his tea.

I'm sure there's a sensible reason for it,

   Something dull and banal,

Yet even so I've been to the police,

   And asked them to drag the canal.

Read and leave comments (6)

Once when I was younger,

I accidentally kicked my football

Through the bathroom winder.

My mother went ballistic,

And after slapping me about a bit,

Said if I ever did it again

She'd have my guts for garters.

I thought she was exaggerating,

Using the threat of extreme force as a deterrent;

But I was wrong;

For sure enough, the next time it happened,

She ripped...

Read and leave comments (0)

The Earth is slowly dying and we're the ones to blame,

We curse the politicians, but we're really all the same.

We need to stop polluting, we need to do it soon,

Either that or find a way of living on the moon.

Read and leave comments (1)

Hello Mary,

I've brought you this dead canary.

So Cilla,

Who's your favourite serial killer?

Look Devine,

I'm wearing the knickers I stole off your washing line.

Hey Jude,

Guess where I've had your name tattooed.

Read and leave comments (1)

Having broken both legs when he fell down the stairs

   He crawled his way back to the top of the flight,

Then fell down again in pretend unawares,

   And as he was hoping this made them all right.

Read and leave comments (0)

We met in a nightclub, I bought her some whisky,

And asked if she'd like to come back to my boat.

She smiled and her answer was funny and frisky:

"All right, you can have me, I'll go get my coat."

We'd only just done when the cock started crowing,

And up jumped the woman and sadly did say:

"I love you, my dear, but I'll have to be going,

For like it or not it's my wedding...

Read and leave comments (0)