Poetry Blog by branwell kent
The dreaded time has come again, there's nothing I can do,
The dentist is expecting me at twenty-five to two;
I've never been so terrified and nervous in my life,
I hope to god he doesn't know I'm sleeping with his wife.
Thursday 16th July 2020 10:45 pm
On wet afternoons when there's nothing to do
I get out my scrapbook and dream about you;
On hot afternoons when I've had a few gins
I sneak in your garden and go through your bins.
Wednesday 15th July 2020 10:42 pm
Her boss, while attempting to flirt,
Rubbed himself up the back of her skirt,
She cried to him: "Stop it,
Or else I will chop it
Off, which will certainly hurt."
Tuesday 14th July 2020 5:46 pm
The windows in this chapel date to 1367,
I think they give a good idea of medieval heaven,
The Lord and all his angels standing round and looking glum,
While down in Hell the devil pokes a sinner up the bum.
Sunday 12th July 2020 10:31 pm
The day of my birth, I remember it well,
The terrible journey, the doctor from hell,
I burst into tears when he gives me a smack,
It's my way of saying, "I want to go back."
Saturday 11th July 2020 11:11 pm
Asked if she knew anything about poetry;
Threw the complete works of Tennyson at me.
Now, had she chosen Eliot,
The blow would've been far less horrific,
For though Eliot was the better poet,
Tennyson was the more prolific.
Friday 10th July 2020 8:54 pm
"Why the long face?" I said to the horse,
"You look like you're down in the dumps."
"I'm not a horse I'm a camel," she said,
"But somebody's stolen my humps."
Friday 10th July 2020 1:41 am
Today I saw a killer shark
Playing in our local park,
Climbing up the climbing frame and sliding down the slide,
When bravely I approached with care
And asked what he was doing there,
He answered, "I'm just passing time while waiting for the tide."
Thursday 9th July 2020 12:19 am
Jane Austen died a spinster at the age of forty-one
Too busy writing novels to indulge in any fun,
If I had a time machine I know what I would do,
And maybe if I did it right she'd live to eighty-two.
Wednesday 8th July 2020 1:27 am
An alien spaceship landed in my garden yesterday
And three green men came running out and stole my wife away,
I've armed myself with rockets and I'm ready to attack,
Should ever they get bored of her and try to bring her back.
Monday 6th July 2020 11:49 pm
Dear Miss Jenkins,
I very much regret to say that on his recent stopover
at our home, Little Herbie, the class hamster, met with
an unforseen accident and unfortunately died. This was
in no way the fault of Michael and I fully accept
Monday 6th July 2020 11:16 pm
The monster was magnificent, with armour-plated hide,
It kept advancing down the hill, no matter what we tried,
Our guns and bombs had no efffect, it looked like we were through,
Until a child of four went up and loudly shouted BOO!
Saturday 4th July 2020 1:09 am
She caught my eye and stole my heart
With just a shake of her hips,
And when I asked if she wanted a drink
She nodded and licked her lips.
But later when I found the nerve
To speak of love and romance,
I could tell by the way she crossed her legs
That I didn't stand a chance.
Thursday 2nd July 2020 3:31 am
Oh my Amy, tender hearted, oh my Amy, mild and meek,
Could you lend me fifty quid, I'll pay you back on Wednesday week?
Lend you fifty quid? Get off it. Lend you fifty quid? Yeah right.
I'd not lend you fifty pence, you lazy, worthless, drunken shite.
Monday 29th June 2020 9:26 pm
My girlfriend's always gossiping about something or other,
That's why I haven't told her that I'm sleeping with her mother,
She'd only go and spread it round till everybody knew
And her father would go crazy as I'm sleeping with him too.
Monday 29th June 2020 2:22 am
A woman approached me today in the street
And said for a tenner she'd give me a treat,
And as I was bored and had nothing to do
I coughed up the cash and we went to the zoo.
Sunday 28th June 2020 2:48 am
Have you got any Stephen King?
-No, we don't do horror.
Have you got any Agatha Christie?
-No, we don't do crime.
Have you got any JK Rowling?
-No, we don't do children's.
Have you got any Danielle Steele?
-No, we don't do romance.
What do you do?
I'm a greengrocer, mate,
What do you...
Sunday 31st May 2020 6:29 pm
There's a vandalised old bus stop
At the top of Markham Street,
And there when we were seventeen,
Louise and I would meet;
She'd sometimes let me hold her hand
Or kiss her on the lips,
But never more than that unless
I bought her fish and chips.
Thursday 7th May 2020 9:09 pm
Some say Cleopatra was the most beautiful,
But I think not:
I saw a picture of Joan of Arc once,
She looked very hot.
Friday 17th April 2020 2:20 am
"There are pandas in the parlour,
There are spiders in the sink,
There are polecats in the pantry,
And a terrifying stink;
There are wombats in the wardrobe,
There are penguins in the bath,
There are monkeys in the shower
And they look at me and laugh.
"There are cheetahs in the study,
There are dodos on the stairs,
There are rhinos on the landing
And a pair of pol...
Tuesday 7th April 2020 3:07 am
Candy came from Kathmandu
Caught a cold and said achoo,
Mandy came from Mogadishu
Caught a cold and said atishoo
When you catch a cold are you
Katachoo or Mogatishoo?
Monday 30th March 2020 7:47 pm
My giddy aunt is getting giddier and giddier,
Her sillyness is simply incessant;
She's constantly sniggling and wriggling and giggling,
What I need is an auntie-depressant.
Thursday 26th March 2020 2:10 am
Today I'm going nowhere, today I'm staying in,
Today I'm going to dedicate to drinking lots of gin;
It may not make me happy, it may not make me wise,
And yet I'm going to drink it till it comes out of my eyes.
Tuesday 24th March 2020 11:47 pm
There must be something left to say,
Some little tale to tell,
About Miss Charlotte April May
And how she used to smell.
From fully fifty feet away
The stench was overpowering,
Because Miss Charlotte April May
Had never thought of showering.
And she was only eight as well,
A fact that made us sick,
She must've worked as hard as hell
Tuesday 24th March 2020 3:02 am
I once went to bed with a girl from Brazil
Who said I was clumsy and lacking in skill,
But after much practice I tried her again
And second time round I got ten out of ten.
Saturday 21st March 2020 2:37 am
I found a giant oyster and inside a giant pearl,
I had it made into a brooch and gave it to my girl,
She thanked me for it kindly, but by five o' clock that day
She'd pawned it at a pawn shop and had pissed off to LA.
Sunday 15th March 2020 10:45 pm
Tessa wears crocodile shoes,
Tessa wears crocodile shirts,
Tessa wears crocodile trousers and jackets
And crocodile stockings and skirts,
Yes, you can say what you like about Tessa,
But you have to admit she's a snappy dresser.
Thursday 12th March 2020 2:36 am
When a hippo meets a hippo
Coming through the swamp,
The other creatures stand well back
In case they start to romp.
For when they do the mud and slime
Go flying through the air,
When a hippo meets a hippo
You're better off elsewhere.
Wednesday 11th March 2020 1:18 am
Tonight you and I are entirely alone,
I've unplugged the telly and switched off the phone,
We're nice and secluded away from the rabble...
So what do you say to some serious Scrabble?
Monday 9th March 2020 2:08 am
The grave was overgrown with grass, it lacked a single flower,
We tended it and tidied it, it took almost an hour.
We tarried then to think of him while he was still alive,
And then we did a salsa and a samba and a jive.
Sunday 8th March 2020 12:24 am
My octopus didn't come home last night,
I don't know where he could be;
He only popped out for a packet of fags
And some kippers for his tea.
I'm sure there's a sensible reason for it,
Something dull and banal,
Yet even so I've been to the police,
And asked them to drag the canal.
Thursday 5th March 2020 11:20 pm
Once when I was younger,
I accidentally kicked my football
Through the bathroom winder.
My mother went ballistic,
And after slapping me about a bit,
Said if I ever did it again
She'd have my guts for garters.
I thought she was exaggerating,
Using the threat of extreme force as a deterrent;
But I was wrong;
For sure enough, the next time it happened,
Saturday 22nd February 2020 1:14 am
The Earth is slowly dying and we're the ones to blame,
We curse the politicians, but we're really all the same.
We need to stop polluting, we need to do it soon,
Either that or find a way of living on the moon.
Friday 21st February 2020 2:18 am
I've brought you this dead canary.
Who's your favourite serial killer?
I'm wearing the knickers I stole off your washing line.
Guess where I've had your name tattooed.
Sunday 16th February 2020 12:25 am
Having broken both legs when he fell down the stairs
He crawled his way back to the top of the flight,
Then fell down again in pretend unawares,
And as he was hoping this made them all right.
Friday 24th January 2020 12:42 am
We met in a nightclub, I bought her some whisky,
And asked if she'd like to come back to my boat.
She smiled and her answer was funny and frisky:
"All right, you can have me, I'll go get my coat."
We'd only just done when the cock started crowing,
And up jumped the woman and sadly did say:
"I love you, my dear, but I'll have to be going,
For like it or not it's my wedding...
Friday 10th January 2020 2:18 am