Poetry Blog by branwell kent
If ever you're lonely and needing a man,
Just give me a call and I'll do what I can,
I'm fully efficient and ready to please:
(See the reverse for a list of my fees.)
Friday 4th October 2019 1:08 am
A clam is a bit like an oyster,
A clam is a bit like a whelk,
A clam is a bit like a cockle or mussel,
But nothing at all like an elk.
An elk is a bit like a bison,
An elk is a bit like a ram,
An elk is a bit like an eland or deer,
But nothing at all like a clam.
Saturday 28th September 2019 1:25 am
At Camelot, one dreadful day,
Arthur couldn't help but spot,
In a bedroom, hard at play,
Guinevere and Lancelot:
"Bloody Hell," the poor man swore,
"You might at least have shut the door."
Tuesday 24th September 2019 10:00 pm
There's hair on my feet and hair on my toes,
There's hair in my ears and hair up my nose,
There's hair on my back and it's starting to spread,
So why is there no longer hair on my head?
Tuesday 24th September 2019 1:19 am
While climbing in the Himalayas,
To my very great surprise,
I saw a huge and ugly Bigfoot
Standing there before my eyes.
"Hold on," I cried, "Are not you Bigfeet
Native to the USA?"
"We are," the monster answered calmly,
"This is just a holiday."
Saturday 21st September 2019 11:37 am
A winter's evening, thick with fog,
My wife went out to walk the dog.
Ten minutes, maybe more went by,
And then arose a monstrous cry.
It split the still and silent air,
It raged and echoed everywhere,
It sounded like the sound of doom,
It made me start and pace the room,
A greater dread I've never known...
And then the dog came home alone.
Wednesday 18th September 2019 1:19 pm
There was a funny incident in surgery today,
I chopped a patient's penis off in protest over pay.
I told him if he coughed up I would put it back of course,
He said, "If I pay double can I have one from a horse?"
Monday 16th September 2019 9:21 pm
She went away in winter when the leaves are hung with snow,
I searched for her and searched for her as I could not let go,
And finally when I found her after fifteen years of fret,
She looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm sorry, have we met?"
Sunday 8th September 2019 8:53 pm
Ben Travis woke one day to find
He had a boil on his behind,
Purple it was with specks of brown
And hurt like hell when he sat down.
And so he made a health appointment
To try and get himself some ointment,
The doctor, though, who had none in,
Instead picked up his javelin,
And aiming firmly, deeply, strongly,
-But oh so very very wrongly-
Speared poor Ben in such a w...
Friday 6th September 2019 7:05 pm
Two little hedgehogs travelling on a plane,
One full of fear twists around in her seat,
"Don't be so nervous," says her friend with disdain,
"You've more chance of dying while crossing the street."
Wednesday 4th September 2019 8:54 pm
Eye of newt and toe of frog
Wool of bat and tongue of dog...
Horse's hoof and monkey's thumb,
Bullock's ball and badger's bum,
Penguin's pee and snail's snot,
Boil them in a chamber pot,
Add some wine to give it punch,
That's a Frenchman's favourite lunch.
Wednesday 4th September 2019 1:00 am
I once had a 100,000 brain cells,
Now I've only got three;
I'm hoping to lose at least two more
And then become an MP.
Monday 2nd September 2019 5:07 pm
I can see nothing appealing
In hanging upside down from a ceiling,
Or flying around at the dead of night,
Trusting to sonar instead of to sight,
And as for sucking blood from cattle or sheep,
Or people's extremities while they're asleep,
I can't think of anything worse,
It's absolutely perverse.
No, the more I consider the evidence,
The more I speak w...
Thursday 29th August 2019 11:41 pm
A rabbit who thought he had myxomatosis
Checked into a hospital for diagnosis.
The vet who examined him gave the all clear,
"Of myxomatosis you've nothing to fear,
You're healthy," he said, "as a rabbit can be,
And that's why I'm taking you home for my tea."
Thursday 29th August 2019 12:24 am
Last week I skinned a thousand mice
And made myself some underpants,
They're very comfy, very nice,
I think of them as wonderpants:
The greatest pair there's ever been
And what is more they're squeaky clean.
Wednesday 28th August 2019 1:34 am
My shadow and I have decided to split
We're no longer getting along,
For several months now he's wanted to quit,
He says I'm a boring old stay-at-home git,
Without the ambition, the courage or wit
To ever do anything wrong.
He says when his servitude's over and done
He's gonna live life on a whim,
He wants to make most of his time in the sun,
Monday 26th August 2019 9:38 pm
A clever young monkey who lived in Malawi
Was watching a hunter who'd gone on safari.
A rhino was passing, the hunter took aim,
The monkey thought this is a terrible game,
And creeping behind, keeping well out of sight,
He bided his time till the moment was right,
Then just as the hunter was sure of his prize,
He jumped on his shoulders and scratched out his eyes.
Sunday 25th August 2019 9:31 pm
My first is in teapot but not in kettle
My second is in iron but not in metal
My third is in win but not in lose
My fourth is in sport but not in news
My fifth is in rhythm but not in tune
My sixth is in April but not in June
My seventh is in single but not in double
My eighth is in danger but not in trouble,
What am I?
Saturday 24th August 2019 9:32 pm
I once played strip-scrabble with a woman named Jude
It wasn't very revealing,
As at the end of the game she'd only removed
A shoe, a sock and an ear-ring.
I can't help believing it would've been greater
Had we worked the rules out properly,
But not to worry, we made up for it later,
During a game of Monopoly.
Friday 23rd August 2019 9:05 pm
She said she would always be true
And love me forever,
That she'd stick to my side like glue
Through all kinds of weather,
And there was nothing she wouldn't do
To keep us together.
She said this was love without doubt,
And not some silly phase,
For every minute I was not about
Seemed like a hundred days,
In the end I had to kick her out,
Cause I hate cliches.
Thursday 8th August 2019 2:48 pm
I can't find my fucking keys.
Where the fuck are my fucking keys?
Sunday 4th August 2019 2:32 pm
As our dad lay dying
He called us to his side:
"The money's in the...."
He said, and then he died.
My brothers broke out crying
And wailing fit to burst,
And then they started vying
To find the treasure first.
For days they kept on trying,
But little did they know,
I'd already been prying
And nabbed it weeks ago.
Thursday 1st August 2019 7:58 pm
I don't know if you've noticed and I don't know if you care,
But I've taken all my clothes off and am standing here bare.
It took a lot of confidence, it took a lot of drink,
Perhaps you'd like to have a look and tell me what you think.
Wednesday 31st July 2019 8:21 pm
I met her on Monday,
Again on Tuesday,
On Wednesday I asked her out;
Sunday I'm in prison.
Monday 29th July 2019 1:27 am
I nodded to show I understood,
And then told her I understood
In case she didn't understand
My nod of understanding.
She nodded back,
I had no idea what she meant.
Saturday 27th July 2019 6:36 pm
Are you a glass-half-empty type
Or a glass half full?
I'm a millionaire, mate,
I've got more than one fucking glass.
Thursday 25th July 2019 2:25 am
The second time you fall in love
Is so much better than the first,
Or so my wife said,
As she packed.
Wednesday 24th July 2019 1:24 am
Amidst all the panic on board the Titanic
One cool-headed man could be found:
He grabbed his wife Hilda, and ruthlessly killed her,
Then told everybody she'd drowned.
But life for him after was not one of laughter
He suffered the Widower's Curse:
Believing he missed her, he married her sister,
And she was a thousand times worse.
Monday 22nd July 2019 6:33 pm
Oh God, Puccini, where to start,
I know his operas off by heart,
I'd have to say that La Boheme
Is probably the best of them,
But Tosca, too, I like a lot,
And then, of course, there's Turandot,
Which always always makes me cry,
And as for Madame Butterfly,
I find its beauty almost numbing,
You cannot beat a bit of humming.
Sunday 21st July 2019 12:40 pm
It seems a little nasty but it's true,
Last night while I was making love to you,
I was thinking of another,
And that other was your mother,
Who I slept with back in 1992.
I think it's fair to say that I was mad,
And bonding with you bordered on the bad,
Yes, I cannot help confessing
Our caressing was distressing
As I'm pretty sure I'm probably your ...
Saturday 20th July 2019 12:23 am
My grandad was struck by a lightening bolt,
My grandma consumed by a whale,
My Great Uncle Barney died in a tsunami,
My Aunt Danielle in a gale.
My daddy was hit by a meteorite
My mummy went missing at sea,
My brother and sister were killed by a twister,
I wonder what's waiting for me.
An alien abducted my wife and her mother
And three or four first cousins too,
Thursday 18th July 2019 10:44 pm
My wife and I experiment
To keep that loving feeling,
Last night we did it upside down
While hanging from a ceiling.
My uncle came in halfway through
And caught us in flagrante,
"That looks like fun," he commented,
"I'll try it with your Auntie."
Wednesday 17th July 2019 10:49 am
One evening in winter we walked in the snow,
It seemed so romantic, but wouldn't you know,
The next day I found her confined to her bed,
With rheumatic fever and cold in the head.
For six weeks she lay on the threshold of death
A pale sickly figure all gasping for breath,
And though she recovered for me it was worse
For when she was better she married her nurse.
Tuesday 16th July 2019 11:22 am
Mummy, my leg hurts,
Can I have some sweets?
I don't want to go to grandma's house,
She smells of cupboards.
Why isn't Auntie May married,
Is it because of her nose?
Billy Jenkins has one,
And he's dyslexic.
I went in the bath yesterday
Go and look at the soap.
It was an accident,
I was trying to mend it.
He's not my real dad.
Sunday 14th July 2019 11:52 am
Last night the nightingale woke me,
Singing alone on a branch of a tree
In the garden so dark and so dim;
His heavenly voice seemed to come from up high,
And his message of love permeated the sky,
And I have to admit I'd a tear in my eye
When I shot him.
Saturday 13th July 2019 7:38 pm
I'm tired of being friendly
I'm tired of being polite
I'm tired of people liking me
And thinking I'm all right...
I wanna be a rottweiler.
I'm tired of being innocuous
I'm tired of being small
I'm tired of being frightening
To nobody at all...
I wanna be a rottweiler.
I'm tired of being an idiot
I'm tired of being a wuss
I'm tired of being some...
Friday 12th July 2019 10:37 pm
Her eyes are scary monsters
Gorging on my helplessness,
No matter where I run to
They're always right behind.
Others never see these beasts,
She hides them within shadows,
Then brings them out to taunt me
Whenever we're alone.
I can feel them when we kiss,
Rejoicing in their power,
Controlling me completely
As I once hoped they might.
Eyes I first...
Friday 12th July 2019 5:05 pm
Wam-bam, clatter-clatter, splish-splash, dong;
Ha-ha, oops-a-daisy, cling-clang-clong;
Wibble-wobble, wibble-wobble, more, more, more...
What in God's name are they doing next door?
Friday 12th July 2019 2:20 am
Thursday 11th July 2019 7:20 pm
Bloody, Dreadful, Shite.
Thursday 11th July 2019 12:46 am
Long for her aggressively
Think of her obsessively
Watch her possessively
Imagine her terrifically.
Search for her endlessly
Bump into her knowingly
Smile at her desperately
Leave her depressingly.
Gaze at her longingly
Stare at her fixatedly
Frown on her objectively
Dream of her disgustingly.
Know her only passingly
With her only fleetingly...
Wednesday 10th July 2019 4:28 pm
My father is the brother of my stepson,
My sister is my nephew's second wife,
My daughter is the auntie of my grandad,
I have a very complicated life.
My in-laws are the children of my cousin,
My grandson is the husband of my gran,
My uncle is the uncle of my uncle,
I think this means I'm married to my nan.
Tuesday 9th July 2019 9:49 pm
We never walked this way together,
We never sat down here to chat,
We never spoke of future plans,
Of hopes and dreams and things like that.
We never caught the last bus home,
We never shared a cigarette,
We never kissed at your front door...
In fact we never even met.
But if we had, oh if we had,
Who knows what things we could've done,
Monday 8th July 2019 7:53 pm
There are currently twenty-three men hitchhiking across America
Seventeen climbing Mount Everest
Twelve trekking to the South Pole
Nine doing missionary work in Papua New Guinea
Six sailing down the Orinoco river
Four living with undiscovered African tribes
Two hacking through the Brazilian rain forests
And one playing the piano in a Peruvian brothel,
All trying desperately...
Saturday 6th July 2019 10:14 pm