They bought themselves the country house

    Of which they'd always dreamed,

A Tudor manor that in time

    Proved greater than it seemed,

For six years after moving in,

    Behind a hidden door,

They found another seven rooms

    They'd never seen before.

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He practises

On cactuses

And ferrets out the failures;

Then focuses

On crocuses,

Chrysanthemums and dahlias

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If I had a pet impala

I would either call it Carla

Or Alma, after Alma Mahler.

(Unless, of course, it turned out bad,

In which case I would call it Vlad.)

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Fifty-thousand pounds in debt,

   The bailiffs on my case;

I have enough for one last bet

   And to the bookie's race.

I pray to God to let me win,

   And with a sense of dread,

I back a horse called Anne Boleyn...

   It's beaten by a head.

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At fancy dress parties I always have fun

Last Tuesday I went to one dressed as a nun,

I drank too much drink and was dreadfully drunk

And woke up on Wednesday in bed with a munk.

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My girlfriend is a clever-clogs,

   A smarty-pants, a swot,

My girlfriend is a genius,

   But I, alas, am not.

Sometimes when she comes round at night

   I dumb her down with gin,

And then we play at Scrabble and...

   I still don't fucking win.

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I took Maria to see Macbeth,
She told me after she was bored to death.

The following day we went to Othello,
I could tell her brain was turning to Jell-o.

But even so there was no respite,
I made her watch Hamlet and Twelfth Night.

It was while we were at our fifth King Lear
That I knew for certain the end was near.

It came with Henry the Sixth part two,
She upped and cried: "That...

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I haven't had a single drink since 1992,

The year I first took heroin and started sniffing glue.

I haven't had a holiday since 1993,

The year I went to Brighton and caught typhus in the sea.

I haven't had a good night's sleep since 1994,

The year a fat Oasis fan moved in the house next door.

I haven't seen my mum and dad since 1995,

I locked them in the garden s...

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Two highwaymen on Hampstead Heath

   Compared their evening's lot:

"I robbed a royal," said the first,

   "And this is what I got:

A thousand pounds, a golden ring,

   An antique silver cup..."

To which the second smiled and said,

   "That's great...Now stick 'em up."

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