I watched it waddling through the woods,

   A feathered freak, a frump,

As proud as in the picture books,

   All pigeon-like and plump.

Aghast at such a sight I gasped,

   "I thought you were extinct."

"Precisely as we planned, my boy,"

   The dodo said and winked.

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You say you like a play on words, you say they make you laugh,

Then come on back to mine and let's get dirty in the bath.

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Nervous, awkward, ill-at-ease,

   Beset by cares and fears....

Mother said there'd be days like these

    But not whole fucking years.

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The penguin has been flightless

   Since 1152,

Upon which date they gathered round

   To work out what to do.

"If we can't fly," the leader sobbed,

  "Our futures will be grim."

"We have no choice," another said,

  "We'll have to learn to swim."

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I remember my eighteenth birthday

   The day I became a man,

I got a Playstation from my mum and dad

   And a Gameboy from my gran.

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I couldn't help but notice when we met the other day

You're absolutely horrible and vile in every way,

I cannot think of anyone less likeable than you,

But no one else will have me, so I guess you'll have to do.

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Marie thought I was wonderful,

   Romantic and quick-witted,

Oh how I wish her mum and dad

   Had not had her committed.

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Of all the made up monsters who have never walked the earth

My favourite is the minotaur, whom what's her name gave birth,

A woman driven mad by lust who when the moon was full

Went out into the woods one night and did it with a bull.

When I was young and innocent and liked to read about

The minotaur in story books they all missed that bit out,

They must have thought that ki...

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I have a psychic parrot

  The Priestess is her name

Her so called premonitions

  Have brought me wealth and fame

The people come to see her

  And for a modest price

She listens to their problems

  And offers them advice.

"Beware a tall dark stranger,

   Romance is on its way,

You need to see a doctor,

   Today's your lucky day,

Be careful what you wish for,

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What's going on, what can it mean,

   Is it some kind of sign?

Just now the church bells struck thirteen

  And it's only half past nine.

The hour hand twitched, the minute hand twirled

  The dial began to rock,

Is this the start of the end of the world...

  Or is something wrong with the clock?

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Behold the duck-billed platypus

He doesn't like to cause a fuss

He likes to live a quiet life

With his duck-billed platywife

But in his youth he had his fun

And when the working day was done

He'd go to town and get his kicks

With dirty duck-billed platychicks.

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I once spent a year in the slammer

Because I attacked with a hammer

   A silly old fart

  Who thought it was smart

To point out mistakes in my grammar.

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