This has been a terrible year

   Who knows what's coming next,

But never mind about that now,

   It's Christmas, let's have sex.

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"Is it good then?" Mrs Nobel

     Asked when it had turned out right.

"Good?" replied her husband Alfred,

    "Good? It's bloody dynamite."

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A bright and breezy boy of four

  I started life at school,

They kicked me out aged seventeen

  A lazy, worthless fool.

I never had a BMX,

  I never had a chopper,

I never had a hope in hell

  With Arabella Hopper.

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Tonight is the night I go dancing
   Down at the local dancehall,
The women in there are entrancing,
   And not too expensive at all.

It's only a tenner a tango
   A samba is only a score,
For fifty you get a fandango...
   And sometimes a little bit more.

The best looking girl is called Timi
   A sweet senorita from Spain,
My god how that woman can shimmy
   And her salsa is simply...

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An alien spaceship landed in my garden yesterday

And three green men came running out and stole my wife away,

I've armed myself with rockets and I'm ready to attack,

Should ever they get bored of her and try to bring her back.

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The monster was magnificent, with armour-plated hide,

It kept advancing down the hill, no matter what we tried,

Our guns and bombs had no efffect, it looked like we were through,

Until a child of four went up and loudly shouted BOO!

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My girlfriend's always gossiping about something or other,

That's why I haven't told her that I'm sleeping with her mother,

She'd only go and spread it round till everybody knew

And her father would go crazy as I'm sleeping with him too.

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A woman approached me today in the street

And said for a tenner she'd give me a treat,

And as I was bored and had nothing to do

I coughed up the cash and we went to the zoo.

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There's a vandalised old bus stop

  At the top of Markham Street,

And there when we were seventeen,

  Louise and I would meet;

She'd sometimes let me hold her hand

  Or kiss her on the lips,

But never more than that unless

  I bought her fish and chips.

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"There are pandas in the parlour,
   There are spiders in the sink,
There are polecats in the pantry,
   And a terrifying stink;
There are wombats in the wardrobe,
   There are penguins in the bath,
There are monkeys in the shower
   And they look at me and laugh.

"There are cheetahs in the study,
    There are dodos on the stairs,
There are rhinos on the landing
    And a pair of pol...

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My giddy aunt is getting giddier and giddier,

  Her sillyness is simply incessant;

She's constantly sniggling and wriggling and giggling,

  What I need is an auntie-depressant.

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I once went to bed with a girl from Brazil

Who said I was clumsy and lacking in skill,

But after much practice I tried her again

And second time round I got ten out of ten.

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Tessa wears crocodile shoes,

Tessa wears crocodile shirts,

Tessa wears crocodile trousers and jackets

And crocodile stockings and skirts,

Yes, you can say what you like about Tessa,

But you have to admit she's a snappy dresser.

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When a hippo meets a hippo

   Coming through the swamp,

The other creatures stand well back

   In case they start to romp.

For when they do the mud and slime

   Go flying through the air,

When a hippo meets a hippo

   You're better off elsewhere.

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The grave was overgrown with grass, it lacked a single flower,

We tended it and tidied it, it took almost an hour.

We tarried then to think of him while he was still alive,

And then we did a salsa and a samba and a jive.

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My octopus didn't come home last night,

    I don't know where he could be;

He only popped out for a packet of fags

   And some kippers for his tea.

I'm sure there's a sensible reason for it,

   Something dull and banal,

Yet even so I've been to the police,

   And asked them to drag the canal.

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Hello Mary,

I've brought you this dead canary.

So Cilla,

Who's your favourite serial killer?

Look Devine,

I'm wearing the knickers I stole off your washing line.

Hey Jude,

Guess where I've had your name tattooed.

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We met in a nightclub, I bought her some whisky,

And asked if she'd like to come back to my boat.

She smiled and her answer was funny and frisky:

"All right, you can have me, I'll go get my coat."

We'd only just done when the cock started crowing,

And up jumped the woman and sadly did say:

"I love you, my dear, but I'll have to be going,

For like it or not it's my wedding...

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