Well up to your usual high standard Deb. Yet again you are doing lovely things with words and having us feeling that the world is a mystical place that in strange ways interacts with us, especially with our deepest longings. As Francine and Janet have both said 'hauntingly beautiful'.

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

Hi Ann, lots of conflicting advice here, so I might as well add my 3 penn'orth. I try not to meddle around with mine too much or else you risk losing the original flow, ie you're too close to it to see it afresh. Sometimes you can get the perfect grammar/meaning/syntax - but at the expense of the original idea/sentiment. For what it's worth the second ending for me was perfect ie
I know we’re not perfect now
But then we never really were.
And I love you just the way you are.
You’re beautiful to me -
you always will be!
... but ONLY my humble opinion - the decision must always be yours alone.

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Intriguing, enjoyable and thought-provoking. The repetition of 'What happens if' works well for me - it is hard-wired into each of us and this is a great way to get it out and have a look at it.

Comment is about What happens if (blog)

wow! neat, clipped, understated: great poetry.
can I include this on my website under
"favourite poems by other authors"?

Comment is about Beach. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

Hi Ann,i've read this before and after the changes.I'm not going to confuse you even more by adding to them.Maybe if you leave it alone for a little while, something will pop into your head and you'll just know it's right for the poem and more importantly... yourself.It's great to get feedback, especially when you find it helpful but always make the changes your own. I'm no expert but been there and done that and over done it too several times.Sorry for the blurb, it's obvious you love the comments and rightly so.

Janet.x

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

i love the billions of pillows and sugar and violins and the whole rythym of the thing these are the best sorts of poems, they really touch your soul, did you tell her?

Comment is about NEW POEM: Seven Years (For R.B.) (blog)

number 1
reminds me of Portobello slot machines
tea in silver teapots
drawings in the sand
a fur handbag
photos of the old me
youthful face
innocent charm
no warmth to draw me into the
sea long walks you and me

Comment is about The antidote to boredom (article)

The town hall landed on the beach with an almighty bang.
The car spontaneously combusted with a whoomph and then a clang.
The alien with the orange head gave her the bite of death.
She lay apon the pavement and her jeans were in a mess.
But the shrinking powder antidote it really worked a treat
though she still needs her wheelchair as she trundles down the street.
So if you see a town hall go sailing through the sky
you'd better run for cover - but please don't ask me why!

Comment is about The antidote to boredom (article)

Changed the ending folks - but I don't suppose you chaps will come back and see it now, but if you do, let me know what you think. You've all been v helpful, love you lots!

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Good afternoon Ann-beautiful poem indeed,99.9%-but with all respect the last two lines died for me.prior to that,very very deep and steamingly sensuous-Stefan

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Like walking in a white winter wonder land.
Agreed. A very hauntingly beautiful piece.

Happy new year Debs, hope you are well.
Love Janet.x

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

I know i've said this before about your poetry but it really does stand out that you are very musical.
I love this, it's fun and rhythmic. My kind of performance poetry. Light and not too serious.
Very unlike much of mine. :-)

Janet.x

Comment is about Renovating Sputniks (blog)

Original item by Horace Thespider

Hiya Mark,
nice to see your real tag but i liked Horace the spider too.

Thanks for your comment on my latest poem. I do think i posted it a little too early though and i also think i've edited a little too much out of it and on top of all that i now want to change the title. hmmm...
we live and learn! :-)

Janet.x

Comment is about Horace Thespider (poet profile)

Original item by Horace Thespider

hi and thanks for your comments. This one was done after the Artist Talking to Artist one which was comissioned for an art gallery showing of Outsider and Insider Artists, there are other terms but mainly it was about the raw/natural talent of untrained or homeless, jailed etc having an exhibition with the art school grads and such like, without competition but working together via workshops...debating merits etc..you get the picture; and as I was known to someone involved they asked for a suitable poem. This one though was more my response from having been involve. The project was organised by Hannah Hull. Thanks again.

Comment is about As Is--.He Is As He He Is. (blog)

Original item by Beulah

Lovely sentiments expressed : )

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Hauntingly beautiful Poem Deb.

Powerful feelings of past recollections, and of their presence...

'You walk alone across white acres
with no footprints.'

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

happy new year all and to all a happy new year

Comment is about As Is--.He Is As He He Is. (blog)

Original item by Beulah

split it at"on an island of your own making."
two women-one taught you and one thought you...might
blame both blame one blame none that you though you knew; and rave on

Comment is about NEW POEM: Seven Years (For R.B.) (blog)

perfect all three. class is class.

Comment is about Why So Blue, Sweetheart? (blog)

Original item by Tom

the fate of inaction - almost as bad as being too hasty.

Comment is about Quick Sequence. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

good descriptive work.

Comment is about Beach. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

well done.

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

Take all on board and agree with all too. Two focus's (foci?) worried me too - will have a think!"I want soft images" maybe? Or "in and out of definition"? Oh no - I used definition before. Help! Not enough words in the english language! ;-)

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Hi Kealan... This one is outstanding for me amongst recent blog entries. It is complete, rounded and serves up an atmosphere to savour without too much searching. Win

Comment is about Beach. (blog)

Original item by Kealan Coady

I enjoyed this. I read it aloud and it sounded better. is there more? Seems like there should be.

Comment is about Christmas Message (blog)

Loved this Ann . Steves suggestions all work for me too. what about the repeat of the word 'focus' in the first part ? can there be an alternative?
We comment because we like! Win x

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

This is a heavenly poem. Sad and lovely, and spoke to me, who lost someone almost exactly two years ago.

Comment is about Villtur Augum (blog)

Original item by Deborah Jordan Bailey

Thanks for your comments on my HD poem. I agree with what you say. As so often, I rushed to put the poem on. Have turned breath into breathe, which is what it was meant to be. I think my problem is that my poems jump into my head then right onto the page without me thinking much about them! Nice to get such a lot of caring feedback! xx

Comment is about garside (poet profile)

Original item by garside

wah?

Comment is about Tommy Carroll (poet profile)

Original item by Tommy Carroll

Yes I like the new structure Steve suggests also - it adds. I hope you won't feel got at though Ann. Just so long as people don't do it to every poem you write, it can be a really worthwhile experience. I can remember having a lot of outside input into one of mine once and it was helpful - though I ended up just adding the different versions underneath - the important thing for me in every poem being the message in it rather than the dotting of Is and crossing of Ts. The message in this one is quite beautiful.

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Hi Ann

I like the idea of this poem of yours

i would consider loosing capital lettters unless used directly after a punctuation mark, and would consider three separate stanzas as opposed to one.

Don’t want a high definition kind of love
I want soft focus.
Breath on the lens for me
Smear butter on the glass
Let things slide gently
In and out of focus.

Don’t want a high definition kind of love
Let it fade.
Let a misty haze
Play on our bodies.
As the shadows deepen
And we move softly into
Our inner space.

I know we’re not perfect now
But then we never really were.
And I love you just the way you are.
You’re beautiful to me -
you always will be!


is it breath or breathe on the lens? breathe gives it much more 'feel' - as it is occurring in the mind of the reader as it is read - for me this allows a feel of connection with the world of the writer and such the potential for empathy and other such - makes it more real...

i agree with Isobel re the rhyming thing - it feels rushed - i get that the end bit is where you want to take off and thus the poem completes - however, while we all as readers sense the runway, it is the vehicle of words which predicts the quality of the 'lift-off' so to speak :-)

steve x

i like the idea you have here

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

this is a very good poem IMHO & in style & sentiment very reminiscent of "divorce" by kate bingham - worth a look on google.

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

brilliant ! I love the dog ate the appendix etc.
I've added my similar ramblings written a couple of years ago - "urban planning"

Comment is about Renovating Sputniks (blog)

Original item by Horace Thespider

Hi CBT ty!

Comment is about Cynthia Buell Thomas (poet profile)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

TY Andy!

Comment is about Andy N (poet profile)

Original item by Andy N

Ty K!

Comment is about Kealan Coady (poet profile)

Original item by Kealan Coady

Damnit! You're totally right about the sewed/sowed thing... I'm so used to writing cliched stuff "you'll reap what you sow" it just came off automatically. Nice one on the kind comments, cheers :)

Comment is about NEW POEM: Seven Years (For R.B.) (blog)

ps
you may like to change the "sowed" to "sewed" unless you meant your stitches to fall on the earth instead of unravel? One can never tell with poets these days!!

Comment is about NEW POEM: Seven Years (For R.B.) (blog)

Well Captain, this is a rant of the best sort. This will resonate with many readers for many reasons. Im not usually a ranty sort of person myself, but this touches so many nerves that I can forgive you the odd fuck or two.
Cate xx

Comment is about NEW POEM: Seven Years (For R.B.) (blog)

Thanks for agreeing Cynthia and for not being offended Ann. I very rarely suggest changes and only when I really like a poem enough to bother. The punch line is so important cos it's the last impression the reader takes away with them - worth taking time over. I think the change you made works. Thanks for your WOLOP vote also - I totally agree with your choice and it might well have been mine, had I been able to vote. x

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Not a silly poem Rach. It's funny how others see our stuff. I've written a poem in about 5 minutes, while watching TV and talking to my son all at the same time, and then find that others say it is the best thing I've done. Then there's maybe a poem I feel proud of that no-one notices. But the one you may write on the back of a fag packet, without even thinking about it, maybe the better poem. Where do they all come from? That's what I'd like to know - or maybe better not knowing! ;-) xx

Comment is about Snow (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

Cynthia, I take the point entirely. It had slipped my notice.It ought to be '....as a grey slush cadaver...'
I'll put it right
cheers and a happy new year,
Rachel
x

Comment is about Snow (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

It is good, Rachel. Nothing like one-on-one with creation, whether it be a snowflake or a bird or a flower; it is a very exhilarating existence to live like this.
Watch for grammar agreements (which I mention only because you are so good). If you went straight for: But doomed to end as grey slush cadavers... you'd have no hitch with singular and plural. You would also lose the intimacy of the individual flake that I think you want. Small, small point, but consider it.

Comment is about Snow (blog)

Original item by Rachel McGladdery

I totally agree with Isobel; it is now better. Punch lines are hard to formulate; they usually work best as irony, or a complete new thought. I think that recapitulation is rarely effective except in comedy. And what is 'weak' about hope expressed as conviction? Except the very essence of the idea, of course.

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

If anyone is still following this - a blue moon is the second full moon within one month - fairly rare - once every two-three years. Having the event coincide with our calendar's New Year's Eve must be incredible. It is possible to calculate but I'm not doing it. Those late evening walks sound incredible - so - quintessentially English!

Comment is about Blue Moon Tonight, People (blog)

Original item by Cynthia Buell Thomas

I changed it! It's a bit weak maybe, but more in keeping. (For anyone who cares, it DID end "but not in HD")

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

I agree Isobel, but couldn't resist the rhyme! It does cheapen it a bit, may change it. xx

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove

Hi Isobel - I totally agree about the last line, but I couldn't resist the rhyme! Might change it. Happy Noo Year!

Comment is about Isobel (poet profile)

Original item by Isobel

I adored Beautiful Girl, it had me in stitches. It also made my other half laugh too, no mean feat. The King is Dead had some fabulous ryhthms in it, I read it aloud (to the other half again) and the "son of a mother..."stanza in particular was just gorgeous to read.
Rachel
x

Comment is about Mab Jones (poet profile)

Original item by Mab Jones

Really like this Ann - particularly the first part. Breath on the lens - is a lovely image and all the other fuzzy images that go with it. I think the last line lets it down though - turns a very special poem into something ordinary. Just my opinion anyway.

Comment is about HD (blog)

Original item by Ann Foxglove