Poetry Blog by Nick (2018)
on Suicidal OCD. (Sat, 2 Nov 2019 01:09 pm)
You think that time would make it easier and maybe I'd just forget.
I still think about that day often but I'm starting to think about it less.
I don't know if I should feel guilty because you're not always on my mind.
Or maybe that's just what happens when you've been gone such a long time.
I do wonder if you'd be proud of me and the things that I've done.
Would you tell me that you're happy...
Saturday 29th December 2018 7:18 am
Clock out, start my car and check my phone.
I look down, see a text "Hey, you doing okay bro?"
Confused and realizing I missed about 12 calls.
Didn't know what was going on, nothing was clear,
*Incoming call from 'enter name here'*.
I answered "Hey what's up?" and then I heard the tears.
"What's going on? What did I miss? Are you alright?"
'You didn't hear? She was driving and passed away l...
Tuesday 11th December 2018 7:58 am
Rip off the band-aid, get it over with
I never thought it would come to this
Clear mind, clear eyes
Walking straight, no more lies
Don't rely on me and I won't let you down
You can't count on me, I'll only let you down
Don't reach out for me, I'll only let you drown
These feelings are getting harder to fight myself
Pulling teeth to admit I need some help
It's cutting deep on the webbings ...
Tuesday 27th November 2018 11:58 pm
I'm torn with regret
I can't just repent
I look in the mirror and see a face I resent
I dug myself in a hole of lies
All my sins, I'm crucified
Hang me, leave me stuck in time
Kill me, let me meet demise
Suffocating, no more breathing
There's no way to start this healing
Like telling a clepto to stop stealing
Spewing words with no meaning
Help me, drowning, no life support
No getting b...
Friday 16th November 2018 10:22 am
Tell me baby who's on your mind?
Who do you see when your lips are on mine?
Is it the guy you kissed?
Or your friend you miss?
Or somebody that I completely dismissed?
Anyway, I guess I deserve all of this.
I put you through hell when I promised you bliss.
I know i'm getting fat,
And my habits are pretty bad,
I need to trim my nails,
And I'm just always fucking sad.
What a drag.
Tuesday 6th November 2018 11:00 am
This bed it is a bridge
Of what is real and fantasy
I despise reality
I'd rather keep dreaming
Where I am free
To be alive
Where I will thrive
And my heart can be
Free from knives
I will not cry
I can not feel
I stay in bed to escape what is real
Monday 1st October 2018 1:58 pm
Tell me how am I supposed to end this?
This feeling in my stomach, is it endless?
I can't say that any of this makes sense,
but this has got me feeling apprehensive.
In my brain all I get is emotional feedback.
It always makes me take a few steps back.
I don't know what's wrong with my brain.
I can feel the static flow through my veins.
I'm trying to end the ringing in my ear.
A sound lik...
Wednesday 12th September 2018 2:23 pm
When I try to sleep, I remember all my fears,
And every mistake I've made in the past five years.
My heart feels heavy, alone in a crowded room.
Suffocating claustrophobia, will this be over soon?
This is exhausting, trying to win this fight.
Hand over mouth, nothing's felt so right.
I'm running out of breath, I can't make this climb.
Chasing down the clock, seems I'm out of time.
Tuesday 11th September 2018 2:13 pm
Tell me again how fire is dangerous
As you're standing there playing with matches
You strike the sulfur that would ultimately end us
You beg me not to leave but you push me away
I never know what you'll be feeling today
Tell me how you love me but cause me dismay
I know that you're trying I see it in your eyes
The first time I learned not only your mouth can tell lies
Say I give you life b...
Wednesday 8th August 2018 3:09 pm
You can say that I'm a little out of touch
I fell down but I can't climb back up
None of my friends give a fuck
I guess I'm shit out of luck.
If I'm not feeling blue I dont feel much
I know they'll tell me to suck it up
Moving on is just hard as fuck
I'm tired of being down on my luck.
Its like holding in the clutch
I press the gas but just rev up
Going nowhere fast my motor is fucked
Wednesday 8th August 2018 1:24 pm
I'm lying on the bathroom floor again
Heavy breathing, I got pills in my hand
Shaking and waiting for the sandman
To take me to sleep so you can understand
This is not a claim to fame
Only an attempt for you to remember my name
When you see me in the headlines saying "He wasn't okay"
Oh you miss me now? Ain't that a shame.
I'm not coming back, there is no replay
You can't take ba...
Wednesday 20th June 2018 1:59 pm
It's a tough pill to swallow.
I want to fucking puke.
This feeling in my stomach,
like I swallowed a live nuke.
They just give me pills to swallow
and run a lot of useless tests.
I tried so hard to keep it away,
to fight it off but it infests.
I hate these pills I swallow.
I feel the cancer in my veins.
It's consuming my body
and fucking with my brain.
It's not your pill to swallow.
Monday 18th June 2018 1:35 pm
I'm just a number,
Put me in the back.
One of these days,
I swear I'll fucking snap.
Always keeping it in,
Forever pushing it down.
One day I'll strike this match
And burn this place to the ground.
Empathy is a curse,
A color I wear well.
I'm sick of always wondering
How other people feel.
I don't take care of myself,
I just bury my own bone.
I'm always there for everyone
But I'm al...
Thursday 31st May 2018 1:57 pm
I finally figured it out
How to get up there pre-death.
I crawled my way up to you
Without leaving my own bed.
I tried to break you out
But they wouldn't let you leave.
I tried to break you out
To bring you home with me.
I got kicked out of heaven
No they won't let me back.
They said if I ever tried again
To prepare myself for attack.
I'll go back everyday
If I had the slightest cha...
Monday 28th May 2018 7:52 pm
I don't have very long,
Will you tell me that you need me?
There's something wrong,
I know you see right through me.
I try my best,
But those intentions were lost.
A burning flame,
On a candle wick that's been gone.
It's becoming clear,
That my simple words are useless.
If I just disappeared,
Would you say it's me that you miss?
Please lie to me,
Just to try and save face.
I know you...
Thursday 17th May 2018 1:56 pm
My last $20
What I got you.
The nicest ones there,
Wanted to show
That I was thinking bout you.
I know that,
Times have been
Tough for you,
Know that this
Wont make everything right.
But I've been thinking bout you.
Every petal that falls
I hope you
Know that it's
Every thought I have bout you.
Sunday 13th May 2018 2:40 am
I don't like my brain today.
It's bringing me down,
In more than one way.
It doesn't really matter
What anyone will say.
I really don't know why,
I always feel this way.
When it starts to get cold,
And the sky turns grey.
I don't want to be here today.
I tell my co-worker,
As he slowly walks away.
He agrees with me,
But knows not what I say
Please beg me to stay.
I need to feel want...
Friday 11th May 2018 5:08 pm
What can I say I'm a little fucking jaded.
Must be stemming from the lies that you stated.
Yesterday's punks should've been today's politicians.
At least then to my generation they would listen.
You're killing our planet and bankrupting your people.
You leave us dying in a ditch and swear that we're equal.
Call me a millenial and I'll wear that shit with pride.
Please don't confuse me with ...
Tuesday 8th May 2018 2:27 pm
If you're not careful you can get lost in the woods of your mind.
My piece of advice would be to bring with you a guide.
Someone to hold your hand and walk you through.
So that if something is lurking you have someone to hold onto.
Make sure the person you bring is trustworthy.
That they'll stick around when it starts to get scary.
Things go bump in the night and more-so in these woods.
Thursday 26th April 2018 2:59 pm
Best friends until the end
You know that will never change
Things might be different now
But they'll always be the same
Fourteen years old
Just two punk rock kids
Skateboarding and sneaking out
All the classes we would ditch
You know that I spent most of my nights with you
At your house there on Laredo Vista Avenue
Fast forward 10 years
There's no classes to ditch
I know if I didn't fi...
Monday 23rd April 2018 2:50 pm
Who am I to you?
Do you want me to stick around?
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
But you still don't hear a sound.
Hang me from your promises
As I choke on your words.
You said you want me forever
But you cut my heart in thirds.
Where the fuck were you
When I needed you the most?
My world was crashing down
You turned into a ghost.
You left me all alone
And I've been lost here eve...
Saturday 7th April 2018 1:44 pm
They don't tell you that when you start to get older
How hard it will be to let go and try to get sober
That no matter what steps you take you'll never get closure
Guilt, I'm just buried in so much fucking guilt
Like I had something to do with the loss of what we built
6 weeks in and I'm already surrounded by the blood I somehow spilt
I can't move on and it's impossible to fucking let go
Wednesday 28th March 2018 2:05 am
It's odd for me
To be down on my knees
Praying to a God
That I don't believe in
I asked him why
There's so much pain in my life
And the one bit of joy
Was cut off like a knife
I was angry and mad
Didn't expect a response
I was crying and yelling
In my little tiny house
I heard in my heart
The reason to be
That there wasn't a soul good enough
To fill the love that I need
He said "I ...
Monday 19th March 2018 5:53 pm
Today's the day where I don't feel like waking up
I'm struggling to do anything at all but refill this half empty cup
Today's the day that I relapse and pop this little white pill
It's supposed to make me numb when I'm feeling mentally ill
Today's the day that I burry myself in bed all alone
I'm hurting so damn bad, it aches me to the bone
Today's the day that I'm going to let everyone do...
Friday 16th March 2018 12:00 pm
Don't call it a comeback
My depressions been here for years
I still smoke myself to sleep
And calm my anxiety with 3 or more beers
It's just goes to show
That I should stay in my lane
I stare at the bottom of an empty bottle
Just to focus on something other than pain
I knew it'd come back
I knew it was too good to be true
Depression isn't a state of mind
It's something that controls you
Friday 2nd March 2018 3:12 pm
I only write when I'm sad
Cause I use my words to cope.
So what am I supposed to say
When I feel the slightest bit of hope?
Love poems and positive thoughts?
I've tried that but it's all been said
I start writing and all I can think about
Is the times I wanted a bullet in my head.
Pretty typical stanza coming from me
Everything I write is basically the same
Oh no, I broke down the fourth...
Tuesday 27th February 2018 1:37 pm
There's a ghost in my room
That sings me to sleep
Whispering in my ear
A sweet symphony
With a simple melody
That has a heart mending remedy
But the words that it sings
I can't remember for the life of me
The voice is familiar
But can't put it to a face
I remember something similar
When my mind was in a better state
All I can hope
Is that it never leaves
Because if it were to depart
Saturday 17th February 2018 1:13 pm
I'm afraid to have kids
What if they get my depression
Or fucking alcoholism?
What am I supposed to say to them?
Suck it up.
You'll soon find out,
Life just fucking sucks"
It's just not fair
To pass on an ongoing burden
To watch my kid suffer
Knowing that I can't relieve them
They're supposed to be protected
But I can't save them from themself
It just kill...
Friday 16th February 2018 5:22 pm
Boy just take it easy
Boy just take it slow
Please don't give up now
You have so much further to go
Put that gun down boy
Step away from the ledge
All the demons your fighting
Don't have to stay in your head
Let me help you boy
Let me be your light
You and I together boy
We'll give 'em a hell of a fight
This is it boy
It's time for war
With me by your side
It'll be easier than befor...
Thursday 15th February 2018 1:41 pm
Like the morning bird
You sing the stars away.
Just like that
My darkness burns to light.
Thursday 15th February 2018 12:58 pm
Put on my pants
Put on a show
Fake a smile
No one will know
Don't show weakness
Fake my emotions
Bury my anxiety
Just go with the motions
I gotta play fast
Need to sing out of tune
Because don't you know
Punk Rockers Don't Sing The Blues
Friday 2nd February 2018 2:43 pm
I'm sitting in purgatory
A deserving end
To my shitty story
You think you know who I am
But you don't know what I've done
Some call me the devil
Some call me his forgotten son
I'll take your heart at the start
And say you have mine
Once you realize I'm empty
I'll leave you all alone, crying
I've done a thing or two
That I can't say I regret
I'll dig into your memories
Make it impossi...
Wednesday 31st January 2018 2:23 pm
They say people don't hurt the same
And I wish that wasn't true
Because going through this alone
Is something I'm not sure I can do.
Tuesday 30th January 2018 1:57 pm
I've got me a best friend
His name is Jack
I put him on rocks
Then mix him with black
He and I hang
With a lady named Mary
Jane is her last name
Though I'm careful not to carry
When we're all together
My troubles slip away
I don't worry about anything
But I have to watch what I say
We get into some trouble
But most of the time we're
All alone in my room
With a twelve pack of beer
Thursday 25th January 2018 10:05 pm
I had that dream again
Same place different time
I asked Chris if we can have a minute so he exited, stage right
We were laying and I was holding you so damn tight like if I let go you'd float away.
Wood was falling from the roof and it was coming straight for your head
It probably would have killed you but I stopped it and saved you instead
You were so relieved we both started crying and I ...
Tuesday 23rd January 2018 3:14 pm
Your very first
My most important
You held it so tight
I couldn't hold my tears
To make sure you're fed
You in the middle
Across from your neglected crib
Your first steps
Corners were quickly covered
You're getting so big
I always did my very best
Friday 19th January 2018 2:46 pm
If I went to a professional they'd probably say it started when I was younger
Which begs the question why it didn't affect my older brother
Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired
I'm just so god damn sick and tired
Of being so damn sick and tired
Why am I always so fucking tired?
I just go through the motions
All the days just blend together
The only thing keeping me going
Is the hopes...
Monday 15th January 2018 9:52 pm
It's been a while since I've written
It may be 'cause it's been a while
Since I've really felt anything at all
One little white pill
"It'll take all the pain away"
But the dealer never told me
My new friend was here to stay
So before you say yes
There's something I need to say
You'll lie awake wishing for pain
At least then you'll feel something
But it'll never fucking come
Wednesday 10th January 2018 2:16 pm