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No, I really don't care what Gail wrote on Facebook

“Ooh, have you seen what Gail's put on Facebook?”

“About Jade's Spanish lodger? Right made me giggle.”

“Bet you can guess what's underlined in her phrase book!”

“When I told our Kylie she fainted in Lidl.”

“She said, ‘well that explains the bar through her nipple! ‘“

“She definitely has. I've seen it full frontal.”

“So I guess the kids have another new uncle?”

“What has she be...

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There were only seven chicken meatballs in my pack of eight

This is my attempt at a true crime/romance/poetry crossover and it’s called “There were only seven chicken meatballs in my pack of eight”.


There were only seven chicken meatballs in my pack of eight

So I opened up my Macbook to send an email of complaint.


She said

    Look. You need to get a sense of perspective.

    It’s petty, it’s sad, and you sound like a git.


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Sandwich fillings: an elegy

Siberian kale with cherrystone clam

Bulgar, quinoa, and spicy brown mustard

Orange okra served with whiskey-roast ham

Red chard, leaf lard, and savoury custard


Avocado jam with relish of quince

Shaved black truffle with sourdough croutons

Sun dried tomatoes with guinea pig mince

Plantain wraps served on tiny oak futons


Sandwich menus leave me filled with remorse


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The Great Burger Stakes

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I went to my freezer – I fancied a scoff.



I opened the lid and the burgers – THEY’RE OFF!


And what would you like on your burger today?

Ah well, now you’re asking – a fiver each way!


I’ve has burgers from Asda,  but I can disclose

That the burgers from Tesco, they just won – by a nose!


To decrease burger fat is our serious ...

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Brief Encounters

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I feel there is far too much levity

Regarding men's size and longevity,

When the hormones are rife

Have a word with the wife,

With luck she will curtail this brevity.


Nick Clifton

16 June 2012

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Smoke A Joint...


I'd like to smoke a joint tonight,
but I just can't decide which kind,
I might choose a joint of gammon,
but does that come with a rind?

Perhaps that rind would impair 
the way the flavour matures
so perhaps there are other joints
that are a better for smoke cures

Of course I know that many fish
are smoked through and through,
I prefer the...

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Ebb & Flo


Ebb & Flo went to a show
up in the old West End.
It was about the trouble and strife
and a clear message it did send,
that ever will there be distress
as man will always make a mess
while women have to clean it all
'Now mind out, I've just washed the hall'
But while Flo laughed, old Ebb turned red
for just last night he'd bumped his head
as cr...

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Ready To Sail

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Ready to sail

Heavin' away

Succubi wail

Mizzen masts sway

Open yer mind

Bare me yer soul

Together we'll find

The treasure I stole

Ready to sail

Wi' ghosts of the dead

Scurrilous tales

Adventures ahead

We'll visit places

Both magic and strange

We shall meet faces

Unknown and deranged

What say ye mate?

Do we have an accord?

We're ready to sail

So jump ye aboard!


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