Alexandra K. Parapadakis

Outside of Herself

by Alexandra K. Parapadakis

Sunday 1st December 2019 1:02 pm

"Find yourself"

You can misplace your mind

But

You can't forfeit your mind

When you've built a fort for your mind

Mine is bulletproof,

Double-glazed,

Soundproof,

In here

I can stay outside of myself

I can step outside of the world

Oops

Yesterday,

I watched us having a conversation

From my window panes

Through the heavy glaze

It made me feel some type of way

Because I couldn't feel anything

Summon any ‘thing’

I was too far

Away

Out and about

Outside of myself

I wanted to give you something

Anything

Any ‘thing’

But when I reached out

My hand smacked against the glass

It wouldn't let me touch you

So, I screamed

And screamed again

But like I said,

My fort is soundproof

It serves to protect,

I guess

But, who?

Me or you?

I know people search my face

For reactions,

Expressions

But I lose the...

I lose...

Every time –

The words!

Maybe they're somewhere

Buried under my fort

Because I swallowed them

Like I bite my tongue to feel

What I should say

What should I say?

I seldom know

So, I act

- Jazz hands –

- Exclamation mark –

- Insert smile or laugh –

I act to react

And I hope you don't notice

Because I'd like to please you

- All of you!

I do,

Do I?

Or do you see through it,

That I'm see-through?

Should I not bother to confess?

Do I reek of emptiness?

🌷 (3)

paranoia anxiety being a person being human conformity depression dissociate emptiness empty expectations failure find yourself fort mind numb social social awkwardness struggle supressed hermit self protection

◄ Chit Chat

A Part ►

Comments

Emeka Collins

Mon 3rd Aug 2020 23:56

This conversation, I have it daily with my self. The words differ but the meaning same.

Don Matthews

Fri 6th Dec 2019 12:12

It takes a lot of courage Alexandra to open your inner self on the open stage to strangers. As said I have written openly about my bipolarity for a while now. I know the problem. What will others think of me? I was told by family it's personal Don, keep it to yourself. I think opposite. How can anyone understand bipolars if no-one talks about it? You can't. To me it's now education. As well as cathartic.

Don

Alexandra Parapadakis

Fri 6th Dec 2019 10:34

Very true, Don. It can take a lot out of a writer to be open about themselves being the subject of a personal and/or delicate poem - well, that has been the case for me anyway. But it is definitely rewarding.

Don Matthews

Tue 3rd Dec 2019 02:59

To me, you can only be certain the writer is the subject if they identify themselves in their piece. If not it could be about anyone......

I can write about bipolar disorder and have no qualms about making myself the obvious subject. As well as carthartic, it lets others know they are not alone. I hope it also encourages others to speak out. Remaining silent helps no-one.....

Yes Alexandra... writing and sharing is part of our healing....

Alexandra Parapadakis

Tue 3rd Dec 2019 01:21

Graham, thank you again for another thoughtful comment.

I have not been very open about whether my poetry is autobiographical or not but it is probably time that I start.

Most of my poems revolve around how I feel and stem from my own experiences. Sometimes, I write out of excitement and happiness. But writing tends to be something I turn to when I am feeling low. So, my poetry represents more of the negatives in my life than it does the positives. I like to explore themes that I am personally dealing with because it helps me to understand them e.g. my poems about struggling with mental health, and sexual assault. Writing is so therapeutic and makes me feel a lot better afterwards because I am turning my pain into something meaningful. I also feel better when I think I've explained myself to others... But I know that some of my poems can come across as very worrying to others, and people have told me this (especially my family). But like I said, my poems tend to work through my negative feelings rather than my positive ones - so, they capture one segment of my life. Also, a poem is a product; it stays in the dark moment that it was written in and it doesn't change. It solely captures the feeling that was behind the pen. Whereas, I am always changing and growing. And I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders after writing this. Writing is therapy!

Graham Sherwood

Mon 2nd Dec 2019 14:32

You always give us something to think about. This could be a conversation with us the reader or one with yourself. Once feisty, then self-detrimental. You've mentioned some of your insecurities before but you always somehow manage to rationalise them. I'm usually quite sceptical and do not immediately assume poems are autobiographical. If this is, when one views your associated tags, there is much to both be worried about and supportive of.

Whatever, you continue to weave incredible pictures Alexandra.

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